Holidays are coming

This will be our first major holiday without our lil cookie. The house is looking festive, tree up, stockings hung with care, yummy goodness baking in the kitchen, but you get that something is missing. 

We have had (almost) six months to grieve the loss of our lil one. Some of us are doing better than others, but getting the kids through this became priority one. 

Visiting Santa recently, was supposed to be fun, but she was missing. So I quickly made an excuse to get away from happy people. 

We went through her room, packed most of her things. We kept certain things out so as we walk past her room we see the happy stuff we loved. We are smiling a little. We are releasing balloons on Christmas so we can give her something to. We found all these toys, outfits, just fun things she would have loved, but the only thing we bought was a bear in her memory. 

The pain hasn’t quite subsided, but you finally learn how to hide it, and get through the day. 

As far as our lifestyle, well it’s been on hold. He’s still the head of our home, and due that respect, but we are just like everyone else right now. Don’t get me wrong, somedays the slave in me wants to kneel. I cannot ask for pain anymore as I think it would kill me, as pain used to get my head clear and help me not struggle. But the pain that’s in me now is awful, it’s like I’m bleeding inside and no one can see it or feel it. Months later I’m still asking myself, ” how did this happen, how did we get here?” 

In a few words, I guess I’m lost. I’m trying to be a good mom to our other children, a good woman to my man, and good slave to my Master. As we are going through such a tough time I find myself angry, most with my Master. Everything feels like it’s in my lap , at the moment. He wants to know how I’m doing (same as every other day, next question), I used to trust blindy, as we slaves are supposed to do. But in the face of tragedy I am filled with questions. I serve, but not with my whole heart at this moment. I have even yelled at him, much to his chagrin, but it just came out. It was more about Him causing me more pain, He didn’t know.

I needed Him to stop pushing me so hard, that wasn’t helping. Stop asking me to do more than I can. I even lost a really good job since I wasn’t holding it together as well as I hoped. Now I’ve tried a few jobs only to quit after a few weeks. What is my direction, what am I supposed to be doing… Yet, I don’t want Him to answer these questions, apparently I want to struggle. I absolutely have no idea what I want right now. I just know I don’t want to be pushed to hard, I feel as I could break, or leave. 

I’m working on as many things as I can in my head, but pain from Him would kill me, plus my trust has been shaken. He needs to do much work before I can be where I was before, and if He cannot understand this then I may have lost Him. 

Reality has been a butter sweet pill that I don’t enjoy. I ask myself that after all that has happened, is this truly where I belong. Only one person can answer that question, me. I am searching for the answer, more than anyone knows. It used to be so clear, now it’s not. Can it all be fixed? Hope is all I have. Will He feel my heart and show me that I still belong here. Will He make a life for us that is even more wonderful than we can both imagine.

Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. Thank you for being so kind. My Master, and I and our children hope you have the happiest holidays this season. 

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Life is so lonely

First off, thank you to several of you for asking me to keep writing,even through tragedy. I am really struggling with real life right now, and when I try to find the words,I’m at a complete loss. You’re going to hear about my REAL life, as a slave, going thru tragedy. 
As you are aware of, we lost our little girl about 2 months ago. Everyone can agree that if you don’t pull together, you pull apart thru something so awful. We are definitely trying to pull everyone together. We have four other kids, so it was very important to us to keep our family in tact, but then the unthinkable happened… My Master taken into custody since just one detective felt maybe that my Master should be held accountable for this accident. Are you kidding me? With proof it was an accident, they took him away, put him in jail. Anyone who has heard what has happened can’t believe that they did this. It was an accident, I’m not allowed to talk about the details of this case. Omg, it’s a case. My body and mind are numb. I’m a slave with my Master locked up. I am now unprepared on how to handle everything on my own. I have two jobs now to pay our bills, and I had to pick the important ones. I can only see my Master on a video call, we can’t see each other in real life. We haven’t touched, kissed, held hands, been intimate since that day. We weren’t given a moment to figure out how I’m supposed to do all of this on my own. 

How has it all been… Well as His slave, I’m lost. I have no real way to serve Him. So I do all I can. We still try to keep the lifestyle first and foremost, but I had to call Him something besides Daddy or Sir since everything is recorded and we don’t want anyone in our business. So calling babe, sweetheart, my love was approved really fast. 

Once bail was set we contacted our family and very close friends, we were pretty sure someone would help him, get him home so we still had an income and most importantly, our other kids needed him as much as I do. Much to our surprise, no one stepped up. It’s a secure bail. That means they could put up their home, they know he won’t hurt their trust and just run. He needs to get back to work and us save since it could be very real jail time for him. They now know it’s an accident, but feel he should be held responsible. We have come to the point that we must face that he may have some time behind bars. My Master is still his wonderful self, he’s making friends, he gives me info on how to help others inside. As His slave I gladly help. I found a way to serve! Be of use. My Master tells everyone that I’m the perfect ‘girlfriend’! He’s still the perfect Master. 

Our love for each other didn’t change at all. Our love for our kids hasn’t changed. I just now look at the kids when misbehaving, instead of saying “when your dad comes home” it’s now ” there’s a video call tonight, wait til then to talk to your dad”. It was an adjustment. My Master feels like a caged animal that I must be in charge of it all. I’ve never had to do that before. I’m tired more of the time, I’m stressed, a bit depressed. We are down to one car and that one is having a few problems. I am wanting,with my whole heart, to win the lottery get Him out, and go back to being the slave who’s NOT in charge. I’ve yet to just stop and try to process, I refuse to think about it. I lean on my friends and cry very little. I just stuff it. My friends point out that wasn’t this way before. Of course not, I had a Master who knows my every mood, still does. Only this isn’t about me. It’s about our child. It’s about my Master, our head of our home. 

One of the hardest things is, in our lifestyle we don’t prepare the submissive for something of this magnitude. Why not? Because we actually don’t think it will happen to us, that’s a normal response. I am actually trying my hardest to find my bearings. I may be going through this for a bit. His court date is set for March, it doesn’t look like he has a way out to come home and help out our family financially. I’m angry with that thought, there is no one else doing anything,but me. 

Good things that are happening… Believe it or not, there is some! We, our family, have remained close. I have told the kids to tell me when they need me to spend extra time with them. Each of our kids have spent extra time with me, whether it’s just to talk about their dad or ask me to pay for an extra video call to talk to their dad ,alone. There are less tears, that first month was just the hardest. I couldn’t fall apart, the kids looked to me. I wanted to give them confidence that I can do this. Our kids and the few friends who have remained by my side tell me how easy I make this look! The kids know that Mom and Dad are still very much in love and very much on the same page. Our kids have seen us pull together and have an attitude of ‘ this won’t break us’. I can tell our family is healing, we find ways to keep our lost daughter a part of our lives. My Master and I laugh and cry together. He’s a beautiful soul, always has been. I’m faithfully by His side, no matter how tough. And believe me that statement is saying a lot. 

There were no date nights, we will do a special video together and talk about where we would go, what we would be doing if we were out right now. He will tell me how proud He is of me. We both talk about all the reasons we love each other. It’s a different kind of date night! He will sing to me. We also do postcards, letters to each other. Our connection is still very much there. We have the kids and Master talking! All laughing at my phone screen! Tells me we are doing something right! This isn’t easy, it’s your worst nightmare. But we are happy people, and that part has been coming back out. My Master still runs this family. 

How does this slave cope: well the few friends that stuck by my side are females or gay. I get to snuggle with them , I get plenty of hugs, plenty of kisses. I need the closeness. I’m also a babygirl. My gay bff let’s me snuggle up next to him like I did my Master. My girls let me hug and kiss them. All are things I miss so much, but these are important things. My friends may not know just how much their closeness right now helps me. One of my friends knows I don’t eat, don’t sleep. She puts a pillow in her lap and she tells me to put my head on the pillow and one of us starts talking, getting it all out all the while she plays with my hair. I try hard not to fall asleep I want to enjoy my time with her, she knows once I’m out she reads, texts her Daddy, watches TV. She’s been moved up to family. I adore my friends, they will never know how much I love them. I couldn’t get through this without them. 

Recently my Master asked me a very important question! He asked if I’d marry Him when all this is done and over. 

Yes,Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!!!

We don’t do anything traditionally! We even had to pick out a ring in a much different way. We did a video call and the kids helped me pick it. It was a cheaper ring, more of a place holder til He’s home and can pick the ring! It’s more for me I think, so I know I’m completely His. Even though I don’t go to sleep with Him , I don’t wake up with Him. I don’t text Him thru the day. We have calls as He can. I schedule video calls, we do write! We know this isn’t going to be easy, but it’s completely doable. I will need my friends, oops I mean family! I will need our kids! I could use a better job cuz I’m exhausted for a lil bit of money. 

So, this is our life right now. It’s not pretty by any means. I wish I had more answers than questions. I’m hoping that everyone gets thru this easily. I’m hoping I can find a Pro Bono lawyer to take His case. I may need to keep writing, as I can, just in case there are more submissives going thru the same thing. 

Yes, I’m looking at wedding ideas! Yes, I’m happy in some areas which sounds crazy since there is so much heartache. Yes, once He’s home I will gladly relenquish control over our lives right back to Him. Now I have a great reason to lose 20 lbs. I want to be in a beautiful dress! Life will always be great, I’m with my soulmate, my best friend, my Master, my Daddy, my confidant, my guide, He’s absolutely my everything! One thing stands true, even in the face of all this ugliness in our life , the pain, I’m still true to who I have always been. My feelings for our kids and my Master have not changed, are not lies. You will know that part of me didn’t change. 

I miss our daughter, so much. I miss Him so much. I love our family! 

Happy 4th of July

Our family hopes you have a wonderful day to today celebrating Americas freedom.

Our family is having a rough time. Once she was gone, we were broken. Coming to terms with she won’t be back, has been a thought that doesn’t want to process.

We are trying to get back to normal, only for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was. What was I doing before all of this? Was I thankful everyday that I had such a great life? I find myself waking each morning I’m already in tears. If I close my eyes I see her, so why close my eyes…

I’m having a hard time eating. I go to the fridge and look around, my thoughts are “what do I want?” I know what I want, to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. She’s not in the fridge, so I close the door. I realize I’m not eating much. Food lost it’s flavor. Except BBQ.

My house is staying clean. I actually hate it now. I used to gripe each day. Toys everywhere, piles of stuff, looked like the Tasmanian devil went thru our home. If I could just have that one more day, I promise I won’t be irritated by it anymore, ever again. 

All the challenges of toddlerhood, learning to potty, the accidents, baths cuz that baby is a mess, will you please just eat, no you’re not getting candy, taking my iced tea, bedtime! You’re exhausted at the end of the day, but you smile cuz Mini me is so much fun. Damn that energy is definitely wasted on the youth!

No more seeing her dad be the human jungle gym. No more her sit by dad, put her legs up for him, say”get’em”wanting him to grab her legs, and pick her up and toss her around. When she’s sick or can’t sleep wants to snuggle up to her dad, cause she’s a total Daddy’s girl!

No more build a bear, celebrating holidays, birthdays with her. How do we get thru them? 

What’s the timeframe for moving on…I don’t want her forget her, but I’d the pain in my heart to calm down. 

I went to the store the other day, Everytime I heard a little girl laugh or cry, I had to look. What if it was her? What if this never really happened, we wake up it just felt real. 

What happens when this happens and you don’t get to say goodbye? Does she know how much we love and miss her? Does she feel gone, wonder where we are? It feels so final, it’s just over. Why couldn’t I be warned that it was coming and I needed to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her one more time. Do I have enough pictures in my phone of her.

I feel now all things we will miss. First day of school. Missing teeth. Babydolls and Barbie’s. Learning to ride a bike. Makeup. Girls night with both my daughters. Sleepovers with friends. Driving. College. Day she gets married. It’s just all gone. What would she look like? Would she still be a Daddy’s girl? 

I know I’m rambling here, but I don’t know how to say these things. We have other kids to get thru this time. Wow is this tough. People keep asking me how I’m doing, I’m numb. I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I just want to stay in bed. I have to work, the bills didn’t stop. 

I miss her ❤️

A moment of silence

I needed a moment of silence, to clear my thoughts, concentrate on whats important here. 

What’s important? Well, I am first and foremost His slave. I will find a way to be of use at this time. I will grieve but not let it stop me. That’s not what He would want. He would want us to not stuff our feelings, but also not let it stop our life. Balance.

Emotions are a tricky thing. We tend to not let go of them, let them control us. 

How will I do my day in His absence… Like I always do. Kids will have their list of chores to get done. I will be at work. I will find out what my Master needs from me, and get it done quickly as I can. Be His strength right now. He will need me in this very rough time. I know my place. By His side. 

I will fight my inner urge to stay in bed and be depressed, as it will not help anyone right now. And at some point He will bring it up and I would have to pay for that. This is not the time to push my own agenda. 

Doesn’t all of this affect me to? Of course it does, I’m only human. But perspective is key. As I needed to talk to a friend of mine, she’s a wonderful slave, she gave me that moment, and then put things in perspective for me. She walked me thru some things, showed me the slave that I am. What really matters here. I love her dearly, as most don’t know the life of a slave. 

There are no books written,’how a slaves to behave in the face of tragedy’.  If you’re a slave have some slave friends, so when you go thru the hardest time of your life,you can draw on their strength to renew your own. I have needed her so much. In the one small moment she helped me! I’m so grateful.

I have some great friends, but they are not slaves, that was obvious. I have been confused with Him not right here to guide me, comfort me, give me strength. Yet, I know deep down He will need me to be fine right now, His plate is so full. We will get thru this to, together. Be stronger than ever. 

It will take lots of time to move on from this. It has been horrific. One thing will always remain our love for each other, and our children. 
My Master has my heart, He knows that. I’m His forever 💓
I love you Daddy. Now, more than ever!

As I take this moment of silence, I realize it’s really happening, it wasn’t a bad dream, it’s completely real. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. She was just gone. Now to get Him back on track to. 
Life finds a way.. 

RIP our little cookie

She was only 3, cutest lil thing you’ve ever seen. I adored her the moment I saw her. How could I not, she’s just like him. 

I’ll always remember her making goofy faces with her dad, and her sister. Just being her very busy self. Putting on tons of lip gloss or chapstick,she looked beautiful! No matter what she was doing she involved you. Whether coloring, trying to read, loved stuffed animals. 

My heart aches, I seek for an answer I’ll never find. Why did she have to go so soon. We will all miss you 🍪 cookie. We love you so much! We know you are in heaven playing up there. Eating all the food, playing with balls and swim noodles,and babies.

We have all cried and cried tonight, it just doesn’t feel real yet. We love you cookie, and no matter how much we miss you, your daddy misses you like a bajillion times over. We will never forget you. We will never be the same without you babygirl. 

He’s a worthy King indeed

How in the world,in our lifestyle can you tell when one has earned the title, ‘King’?

First of all, I’m not new. Any man in the lifestyle, that refers to himself as royalty, is usually one I don’t give the time of day to, never have. A dominant should exude confidence, not arrogance. There’s a huge difference. 

The dominant who can juggle all aspects of His life (work,family,play) has my respect. Pay attention to the wording, I said juggle , not has all the answers. He’s still human. 

If He is kind to children, and animals, except snakes hates those. Can He be gallant? We all know that men want a lady on their arm in public, and a freak in the sheets. No problem there. But I want the same from my dominant. Will He be the gentleman who opens the car door, and grabs my ass too?! He does!

I want a man who worries about me, will be funny and silly with me. Who can make it a night of bdsm, or just something sexy and hot, Both make me cum, it’s about effort. Can He cook? Cuz I will clean. When I’m sick, am I a priority.

I see Him, as He is. He’s strong, but He needs a woman by His side with strength too, a partner in His life. Someone He can talk to, share His secrets with and knows that no one will ever hear it. 

He needs to know that she has His back. That she’s close to Him, clings to Him but that they can go there own ways and still be 100% committed. She His ‘ ride or die’, cuz He would be hers if He has to. Care for Him when He’s sick. His goals are her goals, and vice versa. He can make someone else a priority at times, she doesn’t blink, she knows it’s for the moment. 

She can tell when He just needs some time to Himself, she doesn’t take it personal, but pushes Him to rest and put Himself first every now and then. They make their relationship a priority, but know it takes both to work at it. Any holidays and she will go pick a gift, she knows He has more important things to do. 

If He’s off with friends, family, or His club she knows she is still on His mind. And He’s on hers!

He makes her talk so He knows what’s on her mind, what she’s stressing about. He wants to guide her, encourage her, help her. They are always there for each other.

They know the goals they have set for themselves,kids, etc… And they both work together as a team. When one succeeds, they both do! 

This is how I know He’s my king. He never insisted I call Him that, He’s to humble. But He deserves the title, it’s been earned a million times over. 

When I look at Him, really look. I see a man with lots of friends, family, and His club but still really lonely. My job is to fill that void, to become everything He needs. Be His partner, His lover, His babygirl, His slave. Cuz I’m just like Him! We have all the stuff ( job, family, friends, kids) but to grow old with someone, cherish the love they give you, take care of their heart. Then you have found someone worthy , someone who should be treated like a king, called ‘ My King’. For He is everything to me! 

In need of my Master

Yesterday He had enough of my attitude, I heard every word He said. I was listening. I had been preoccupied with my life, and I had not been putting Him first. I was guilty. We both knew it. As He beat my ass, with every hit, the pain felt cleansing. He knows how to put me back to square one,peg one. It’s very humbling. I hadn’t realized how far I’d fallen. After He was done, it was very clear.

The tears that flowed were all about how I must have hurt Him, by not trusting Him. I do trust Him, but actions speak louder than words. Where did I lose my way?

I realized all the time we have together, things were starting to change, we have plans, we talk about the future. So, I decided, on my own, to just come up with a backup plan , but I felt I had good reason. Ill be sharing it. I didn’t say anything to my Master. I was wrong. On the other hand I felt like I needed to stop bothering Him, He’s been so busy. I can deal with my life and get my direction, on my own.

Where did this come from? For me, I  go back a few weeks. First part of the  month. Granted some things had been going on for months. Recently I asked Him, ” what do you want me to write in the card?”  He let me know, so I asked Him if He was really ready for this. He replied with, ” No, but I guess I will have to be”. This crushed me, and all my confidence in the future plans we had. In my mind I felt like I needed a plan B.  So, without asking Him any questions, I came up with plan B. It was not meant to hurt Him. But I’d been afraid of what His words meant. I wanted to believe everything He’s planned for our future, but now I was scared. What if His words meant He didn’t want anything between us to change. Did He change His mind? Did He want anything in the future? 

I’m guilty, I never asked for clarification. My reason was because if He really changed His mind about me, us, I would be devastated. I wasn’t ready to hear it. 

This only happened a few weeks ago. I started feeling like,’ get a plan together for your life, kids lives’. 

I felt very lost, not like a slave at all. I felt lonely in my thoughts, I wanted to talk to Him. I kept up making sure I was serving Him His breakfast, it makes me happy. 

Then some health problems rose up, I didn’t tell Him again, how scared I was. How much I didn’t want to feel lonely. I kept it all to myself.

I met with a lawyer so I could look into a bankruptcy. I need a break from the mounting debt. All this I shared with Him. I am more scared than ever.

I have an ex I need to ask for some help with our son. I’m to afraid to ask. I’m already stuck in my head that my ex will say ‘no’. Master did discuss this issue with me. I feel less alone, I felt better. I need direction, I need Him. 

I’ve had plenty on my plate, as per usual. He hasn’t made me feel alone, He’s just had plenty on His own plate. But as He was beating my ass, telling me what He expects from me. I felt love in that moment. His words a few weeks ago made me feel a million miles away from Him. It wasn’t until that moment that I realize I only want what He wants. I do want a life with Him. I can and will discuss everything with Him.

I love being His slave, I need Him, His guidance. I need to talk with Him, make sure I understand. We are both only human. No one is perfect. In our lifestyle communication is key. I will need Him to show me the way. 

I love you my sweet Master. I hope we can talk about all this stuff. I cherish my Masters time. I needed what He gave me. I lost my way, and lost my place. I’ve been scared.  Plus my list seems to be growing. I need direction, and care from only one person, Him.