Can you think of the worst thing that could ever happen to you, to your relationship, to your family. Could you live through it… Well we did.
It would be to difficult to describe the pain we have been in. All the loneliness. How do you get out of the hell you’re in when you don’t even know how you got there.
The pain was horrendous. We lost someone so close to us. My Master had been away for 7 months. Theres a reason,but its not relevant right now.
The facts are still the facts, in a moment our lives changed forever… Now we had to figure out how to get through this time, and remain strong. The road before us wouldn’t be easy, but hopefully we were as strong as we claimed.
First, I would be taking the lead in our lives. I was expected to make more decisions than i have ever had to. Most of them would be without His guidance or support. But we talked nearly everyday, as His I needed guidance, now more than ever. While i love Him, i was harboring anger against Him. I felt lonely, abandoned, sad, hate, anger, love, care, respect. As you can tell I was all over the place. I got used to feeling every emotion all day long, driving myself crazy. My love for Him unwavering. I’d go to the ends of the earth for the one I love,serve. Granted some days were easier than others.
We worked hard to get through it together. This was something we had done for years already. We always reminded each other that all the little things that pushed our relationship, that we could get through it all together, and we always did! Part of me would give anything to go back to a simpler time. The easy stuff we got through just seems like nothing now.
Maybe the universe, something bigger than ourselves, was putting us together and making us stronger. Maybe it knew something was coming that would put us to the ultimate test. One thing i will add, i hope life is finished pushing so hard. We are only human, and it already feels like we are hollow shells of our former selves.
Once He was home we had to figure out how to be people again, how to be ‘us’ again. How to be a family again. What do we do with the lifestyle. So many questions, not enough answers. We all needed to heal too, not forget, but not live in the lonliness of missing that part of your heart. The fact is two people left in a blink of an eye, but only 1 came back. Reality set in. This would not be easy, but was it doable…
While He was gone there were many lonely days/nights for both of us. Staying connected was hard work, but worth it. That took real commitment on both parts. We had these very real, raw conversations, something that was like no other conversation i had ever had with anyone before. We said how we were feeling in the moment, let each other have that moment and not hold it against them. We still kept ‘US’ alive! I needed this, and loved Him for it. He worked harder than any man on earth to keep what we have. I was the most important thing in His life, still am. The trust that we had to give each other to remain faithful to one another though hell was all around us. For some people this might have been tough, but for us we didn’t blink an eye. To be faithful was just expected.
Since the lifestyle took a backseat right now we must figure out our own way right now. We didn’t do pet names. One thing was for sure, vanilla world or lifestyle, no one would have been prepared for what we had to go through. Our lifestyle doesnt teach what to do when life kicks your ass. No, we were completely on our own. Trial and error. Our relationship would be put through the ultimate test and we had to know we would survive it together. We definitely did! I’ve never been so happy or thankful for anything in my life, except the children.
Once He was home real life needed to resume, but how? He was the one supposed to be in charge, but He wasnt 100% ready, which I understood. Our society acts like men are super humans and can get through anything. Except the man before me did get through more than anyone should have to. The loss was to great, His sad heart broken, His soul cracked forever. Yet in that moment I saw something i had never seen before, I saw the strongest man i ever knew. He was showing us that emotions are fine to have. He was showing us how to move through life even when you feel incredible pain. I fell more in love with Him for being vulnerable in front of us. I had a much deeper respect for Him to. But it scared me, not only could i not think of a way to describe how i was feeling, but never having these feelings before i didn’t understand them, or know what to do with them. I was pushing Him away and I didn’t even notice at first. We were lifestyle 30% if that, vanilla the rest of the time. Again i was lost since that was reversed before all this. But right now I had to know what the hell I wanted.
I started thinking about this non-stop. He couldn’t do this for me. For the first time I felt lost and the only one who could save me, was me. He was standing in front of me ready to take my hand, but I’m as stubborn as they come. I wanted Him to make the decision, He’s the Master. But He wouldn’t. This made me so angry with Him. All that we had just been through and now I must prove myself? But as usual, i got His message wrong. He wasnt asking me to prove anything. He was wanting reassurance from me that this is where I belonged, where i wanted to be, at His side… He had gone through so much in a short period of time. He even found out who truly cared about Him. Now He was asking me. I felt like i had been through thick and thin so He should know the answer. He just kept pushing me to make one more decision. Then in the midst of all this my own family problems arose, He stood by my side listening to me. He always helped solve problems, yet now i was defensive.
One morning I woke up, and i just saw what the hell He was trying to do. Why He was pushing me harder. He needs to know if I can stand more pressure in our lives, because it’s not done. He is a strong man, so this time He’s preparing me. He doesn’t want me to crumble. He doesn’t want me in so much pain. But could I be the strong woman He knows is inside me, will I bow to Him as I had before. Will I respect Him enough to back down. He wasn’t asking me to stop being strong, just stop trying to dom Him. In all reality, I’ve been in the lifestyle a long time, Him to. But we have never been through anything like this. He was learning as He goes too. He wants me to have a good job, take care of myself so i can take care of our family too. For the first time I was on my knees before Him since He had been home. Fuck it felt good to hand over the reigns. Just be His! There was time to be taught. But right now it was about getting back to normal, connecting again.
Life has been so much better since I have been on my knees before Him. We still aren’t lifestyle all the time, but He’s in charge. We are connected like we used to be. That feels so good! The sex is incredible! He’s been more in charge as He should be. He still has days when He seems like He wants to feel normal, and for the kids, He is, but i can’t be fooled. I know when He’s fine and when He’s not. I know when He needs time to process. When He needs time alone. I wish with everything in me I could unbreak His heart, but I can’t. But I will be by His side, be everything He needs. Whether its our honest, off the cuff conversation, dancing in the kitchen to our favorite song, or crying together.
The only thing I do know is that I’m more in love with Him now than I was before. I think it’s wonderful that in a world full of people He chose me as the one who will get to share life with Him. I love that He can breakdown in front of me, and the next day be spanking my ass! What a man! I see the good things now, like I always felt close to Him, but I think we are closer now. I have more respect for Him now than I ever have. What He sees as not manly the woman in me sees as great strength.
I look forward to being His forever!