To hell and back… Almost back

Can you think of the worst thing that could ever happen to you, to your relationship, to your family. Could you live through it… Well we did.

It would be to difficult to describe the pain we have been in. All the loneliness. How do you get out of the hell you’re in when you don’t even know how you got there.

The pain was horrendous. We lost someone so close to us. My Master had been away for 7 months. Theres a reason,but its not relevant right now.

The facts are still the facts, in a moment our lives changed forever… Now we had to figure out how to get through this time, and remain strong. The road before us wouldn’t be easy, but hopefully we were as strong as we claimed.

First, I would be taking the lead in our lives. I was expected to make more decisions than i have ever had to. Most of them would be without His guidance or support. But we talked nearly everyday, as His I needed guidance, now more than ever. While i love Him, i was harboring anger against Him. I felt lonely, abandoned, sad, hate, anger, love, care, respect. As you can tell I was all over the place. I got used to feeling every emotion all day long, driving myself crazy. My love for Him unwavering. I’d go to the ends of the earth for the one I love,serve. Granted some days were easier than others.

We worked hard to get through it together. This was something we had done for years already. We always reminded each other that all the little things that pushed our relationship, that we could get through it all together, and we always did! Part of me would give anything to go back to a simpler time. The easy stuff we got through just seems like nothing now.

Maybe the universe, something bigger than ourselves, was putting us together and making us stronger. Maybe it knew something was coming that would put us to the ultimate test. One thing i will add, i hope life is finished pushing so hard. We are only human, and it already feels like we are hollow shells of our former selves.

Once He was home we had to figure out how to be people again, how to be ‘us’ again. How to be a family again. What do we do with the lifestyle. So many questions, not enough answers. We all needed to heal too, not forget, but not live in the lonliness of missing that part of your heart. The fact is two people left in a blink of an eye, but only 1 came back. Reality set in. This would not be easy, but was it doable…

While He was gone there were many lonely days/nights for both of us. Staying connected was hard work, but worth it. That took real commitment on both parts. We had these very real, raw conversations, something that was like no other conversation i had ever had with anyone before. We said how we were feeling in the moment, let each other have that moment and not hold it against them. We still kept ‘US’ alive! I needed this, and loved Him for it. He worked harder than any man on earth to keep what we have. I was the most important thing in His life, still am. The trust that we had to give each other to remain faithful to one another though hell was all around us. For some people this might have been tough, but for us we didn’t blink an eye. To be faithful was just expected.

Since the lifestyle took a backseat right now we must figure out our own way right now. We didn’t do pet names. One thing was for sure, vanilla world or lifestyle, no one would have been prepared for what we had to go through. Our lifestyle doesnt teach what to do when life kicks your ass. No, we were completely on our own. Trial and error. Our relationship would be put through the ultimate test and we had to know we would survive it together. We definitely did! I’ve never been so happy or thankful for anything in my life, except the children.

Once He was home real life needed to resume, but how? He was the one supposed to be in charge, but He wasnt 100% ready, which I understood. Our society acts like men are super humans and can get through anything. Except the man before me did get through more than anyone should have to. The loss was to great, His sad heart broken, His soul cracked forever. Yet in that moment I saw something i had never seen before, I saw the strongest man i ever knew. He was showing us that emotions are fine to have. He was showing us how to move through life even when you feel incredible pain. I fell more in love with Him for being vulnerable in front of us. I had a much deeper respect for Him to. But it scared me, not only could i not think of a way to describe how i was feeling, but never having these feelings before i didn’t understand them, or know what to do with them. I was pushing Him away and I didn’t even notice at first. We were lifestyle 30% if that, vanilla the rest of the time. Again i was lost since that was reversed before all this. But right now I had to know what the hell I wanted.

I started thinking about this non-stop. He couldn’t do this for me. For the first time I felt lost and the only one who could save me, was me. He was standing in front of me ready to take my hand, but I’m as stubborn as they come. I wanted Him to make the decision, He’s the Master. But He wouldn’t. This made me so angry with Him. All that we had just been through and now I must prove myself? But as usual, i got His message wrong. He wasnt asking me to prove anything. He was wanting reassurance from me that this is where I belonged, where i wanted to be, at His side… He had gone through so much in a short period of time. He even found out who truly cared about Him. Now He was asking me. I felt like i had been through thick and thin so He should know the answer. He just kept pushing me to make one more decision. Then in the midst of all this my own family problems arose, He stood by my side listening to me. He always helped solve problems, yet now i was defensive.

One morning I woke up, and i just saw what the hell He was trying to do. Why He was pushing me harder. He needs to know if I can stand more pressure in our lives, because it’s not done. He is a strong man, so this time He’s preparing me. He doesn’t want me to crumble. He doesn’t want me in so much pain. But could I be the strong woman He knows is inside me, will I bow to Him as I had before. Will I respect Him enough to back down. He wasn’t asking me to stop being strong, just stop trying to dom Him. In all reality, I’ve been in the lifestyle a long time, Him to. But we have never been through anything like this. He was learning as He goes too. He wants me to have a good job, take care of myself so i can take care of our family too. For the first time I was on my knees before Him since He had been home. Fuck it felt good to hand over the reigns. Just be His! There was time to be taught. But right now it was about getting back to normal, connecting again.

Life has been so much better since I have been on my knees before Him. We still aren’t lifestyle all the time, but He’s in charge. We are connected like we used to be. That feels so good! The sex is incredible! He’s been more in charge as He should be. He still has days when He seems like He wants to feel normal, and for the kids, He is, but i can’t be fooled. I know when He’s fine and when He’s not. I know when He needs time to process. When He needs time alone. I wish with everything in me I could unbreak His heart, but I can’t. But I will be by His side, be everything He needs. Whether its our honest, off the cuff conversation, dancing in the kitchen to our favorite song, or crying together.

The only thing I do know is that I’m more in love with Him now than I was before. I think it’s wonderful that in a world full of people He chose me as the one who will get to share life with Him. I love that He can breakdown in front of me, and the next day be spanking my ass! What a man! I see the good things now, like I always felt close to Him, but I think we are closer now. I have more respect for Him now than I ever have. What He sees as not manly the woman in me sees as great strength.

I look forward to being His forever!



Becoming an ‘us’, and a family.

We have been together for quite a while now. In fact next month is our anniversary! Yay Daddy and me!

I always felt before living together, that we were becoming an ‘us’. But definitely once you live together you are right there. All the quirks, attitudes, anything that makes you wonder, things that bug you. Well you must deal with things. Learn to be around each other in a whole new way. Deal with who is the messy one: Daddy! Who is the clean one: babygirl! You will find out real fast how great you are together. If its not great, then compromise. This is a big step of course, it is worth the compromise. We are still getting used to everything and then we aren’t just a couple, we are a family now as well. What a combination.

Daddy and i didn’t rush living together. We waited a while, no need to rush, but the right time just came along. He asked! I said, Yes! So waiting for the right time can be crucial. Plus Daddy and i were as ready as we could get.

Living together has been different. Since divorce I’ve had roommates, but Daddy isn’t my roommate. I’ve lived with my children, but Daddy isn’t my kid. Daddy is my Daddy! It hit me recently that i was definitely walking into new tertitory. He will shop with me, help around the house, help with the kids, He will even cook! OMG! I’ve never had that in my whole life, never. I wonder how I could get so lucky, but He picked me! I have even taken pictures of this. I look at them in the morning , it reminds me how lucky i am. Not that i needed to be reminded. I just never want to forget!

There have been a few mornings of happy tears. My only question is: ” how the hell do i show Him how much He means to me everyday?” I don’t know the answer to that, but I’m trying hard to show Him.

He has guided me so much in the past. When He was away i wasn’t sure things could be the same. They are getting there! But there are many things I’ve never had in a relationship, like love,care,guidance,loyalty, trust,and great sex, oh and food! I have given these things, but I’ve not had someome give them back,til now.

He makes me think, talk, and react. I’m trying to catch up to realize this is my life now. I’m so happy. I was thinking recently, i haven’t had family in so long, so when He mentions His i push that idea away. I tell Him i dont need it. How would i know? I do know once the kids are all grown and move on with their lives, it’s just He and I. I really like where life seems to be headed. Im not alone anymore. I knew it years ago, but with Him gone that feeling snuck back in. It’s time for it to go.

I have a life to live, heal from some tough things, figure out where the future will put us. Plenty of questions, not enough answers, but thats ok. Just go with the flow! Trying for no stress, no worry, stay in the moment.

Life is to short

We’ve been super busy lately. So when we get time together, or as a family , we really enjoy that!

I look at our lives and i realize that life really is to short. I’m excited to be living together, we finally got to take the next step in our lives. I’m really liking living together, i was worried. Were we really compatible whether vanilla moments or lifestyle. Are we good for one another.

These are great questions, but there was only one way to get the answer. That was to just go for it and live together. I’m an overthinker so i can think myself in and out of every situation. He knows it, He’s great at handling me and helping through most anything. I say ‘most’ only because He can’t be home 24/7 and help me when my mind goes off on a tangent. Both of us dealing with the things that drive us crazy about the other! It’s par for the course. So far we are both great at compromise, trying to keep communication going so we don’t hurt what we have. I have to say that we really are great together. I think i already knew it! Lol.

As I start to think about how short life is, i wonder how many wonderful years we will get together. I wonder if we will get to have more children. I wonder what it will be like to be married again, at least this time I’m in love, He’s my best friend, everything I’ve always wanted. Im not sure how i got so lucky. I think about all the sex we are gonna have! Im excited about our life together.

I do remind myself that life is short. So i need to move on from the old me. No more thinking of the past and worrying about it.

Life is short, but life is good! Thanks Daddy

– babygirl

Seems like old times

Today was great. It reminded me of the old us! It was fantastic! I enjoyed every minute with Him. Time with no kids- miracle!

When i had to get to work I hated leaving. I missed Him the moment i left. The sex was hot, conversation was great, just us together. Time together that reminded me of the old us, priceless.

Still get butterflies

We are getting closer to our anniversary. Things are going great! I’m so excited to look at the man in my life and say, ” We made it!” I can say we have been through things that could tear weaker couples apart. But we are right here, hand in hand, getting through shit TOGETHER. It will take time to get through it all, but one thing for sure is that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt i belong by His side. Its my safe place, it’s just where I belong.

Granted I’ve been working on me before He got home. Trying to process shit i had no idea what the hell to do. He wasn’t able to help me, He did as much as He could though. The rest would be up to me.

I was standing there by the street, His breakfast in my hands. I’m just watching Him do His thing, fix big trucks. He gives 100% of himself to His job. He gives even more to us, to me! He works hard, He plays hard. I am just smiling because for the first time i realize i have everything i have ever wanted in my life. The love of a great man, great kids, a home. What more could anyone ask for? Lottery! Yeah hitting the lotto would be nice. This man is standing nearby and says, ” So, you must be his other half?” I say with a big grin on my face, “Yes I am!”

I love my life. In that moment of watching Him it hits me,I loved our life before all of this but, i used to feel like something was missing, that feeling is gone now. On my drive home i went over the past, what used to go on in my head… Oh yeah, i hated that we slept in the same bed only 1-2 nights a week. I hated other nights when it was such a great night, but here it comes… ” i have to go home babygirl”. I would get teary or sometimes they would fall. I just always wanted more with Him. It didn’t seem like it would ever work out, He would ask me to be patient a while longer. I felt if He said ‘soon’ one more time i might strangle Him. I didn’t. But i thought about it.

But now, everything is different. We finally live together! I wake up every morning to my Daddy beside me. If we are horny, usually we both are, we are right there and can fuck or play! Omg! It’s hot! I was so scared about living together at first, but now i can tell i had nothing to fear.

Yesterday He cooked! Do you have any idea how much i love that? Oh yeah , you don’t. Lol. Well i fucking love it! He helped clean before guests arrived. I have never had help before, but god damn it was sexy! A man put me first. Wow. Hold on, I’ve got to repeat that! MY man , my Daddy put me first! Now all i can think of is Daddy in very sexy scenarios with me, and other women! My mind is dirty AF! And sex in a truck!

Life is good. Sex is great! Daddy and i recently had clothes flying everywhere, pillows being tossed, we were all over that bed, mmmmmm. It got so physical and so hot thst we actually accidentally hit a glass cup and as it hit the ground it shattered, we looked at each other , giggled, went right back to fucking! It was so hot! Sex was always great between us, but before it always felt like something was off for me. But now, nope, not getting those old geelings anymore. I thought about this to on the way home. What changed? We live together, under one roof, i dont have to wait for Him. Ok, well i still wait, but now He will text and say, “coming home”. I love that!

So, as I’m watching Him work I’m feeling some of the same things i used to. I still get butterflies. I still get turned on. I still get images going through my mind of SEX! Things He and I could do, hope we get to do! We’re busy… I get it… But i feel closer to Him now than i ever have before. Maybe because we had to be more determined to get through much hsrder shit, together? I really don’t know, all i can say is I’m the luckiest babygirl in the world.

Even when He works into the night, i get a text saying He will be home when He can. I feel so important to Him. But we know life kicked us in the balls , we are trying to get back to where we were, or some version of that. We have a ways to go, but I’m sure we will get there TOGETHER!!

One day we will get to say it was worth every struggle, every tear, every worry, every fear. Why? Because I’m in love and live with my best friend. He just happens to also be: my Master, my Daddy, my rock, my King, my everything!

The forest through the trees

Hes been home fulltime, 24/7 for alittle over a month. Life is settling down, we are figuring out our routine in daily life. This was more difficult than expected. We moved right in together in the middle of a storm, emotional storm. I was worried if this was gonna work. I wanted it to, i know He did to.

Life together was way different than sweet songs on the radio, or some cute lil couple meme. It was so much more. Reality slapped you right across the face. There was so much new stuff at one time. I had slept in a bed with Him a million times, but once we were officially moved in together it was somehow different. He has always been my Master, my Daddy, but something was deeper now. Its forever… Its hard work…

He hasn’t put a lot of rules on me. He knew i was in pain so hitting my ass was going to have to wait. He did take charge from the first day. It was quite an adjustment for me. I was the head of my home, my kids, Daddy was over my life but i was in charge of everything else. I hadn’t had to share that position in a long time. There were times i could tell He wanted me to just give Him the lead. It was so hard. I would have to trust that He could lead this family.

I got frustrated a few times, so i would need some time to think. I would leave so i could figure out all that was in my head, how do i do this? How do we do this together?It was tough. For the first time ever we felt rocky. That was not a great feeling, especially since all time we spent together, before all that has happened, was fantastic. I wondered if we would get back to the way we were, or was this it?

I called my girlfriends. They told me they could tell that all was not perfect in relationshipland. I needed help. How did it go off track? Both of my girls told me it was all me. Thanks for the support girls. They reminded me how much He has on His plate. I know. So, lifestyle isn’t first right now, but He still needs reassurance from me. After listening to them, i had a new reality to process.

My friends said nothing was new except the situation we were currently in. Which was: that He is home, we are all under one roof, He is needing me to pull close to Him. As much as He is my safe place, I am His safe place,and i was defying authority. My friends were trying to be supportive, but it hit me hard. I didn’t know how to go to Him and ask what was going on. I probably should have in retrospect, but i was going through so much in a very short time frame, but so is He, He wanted me to yield to His authority. I wanted to know if He was staying, but i didn’t ask. I wanted to know if I could trust Him, but i didn’t ask. I did argue, a lot. I wanted Him to know that He hurt me, He left me, I had felt so alone. There was no bdsm class on ‘ what to do when your Master is gone, and you are lost’. Although in hindsight there should be contingency plans for real life when you are in the lifestyle.

The thoughts i clung to let me keep my anger and bitterness. He left a slave all alone, in charge, with no idea how He wanted it all taken care of. A 15 minute call each day wasn’t much to go on. Once He was home i think He could tell i was barely hanging on. I needed direction, but then i fought Him. He was gracious enough to realize i shouldn’t keep it all in. He wanted me to talk so I’d just yell at Him. It hurt me to yell at Him, but once i said what i needed to say i could let it go. Then i was worried I’d pay for it later. Only He seemed gracious enough to realize i was raw inside, i needed to heal. His way is to let’s get this out in the open and then it’s done. I could only do pieces at a time. I finally heard Him, i listen,but i actually needed to hear Him, i knew He was listening to me. He told me to get all the crap out and stop holding it in. But it wasn’t all about Him. I was mad at myself for plenty of things, like i felt like i failed because it was so hard on me during this time. Was i being a good slave, i had no idea. He never said, “good girl” anymore. Which was a way He let me know He was proud of me. I lost my job, i felt like i failed again. Then my mother somehow worked her way back into my life. I hadn’t seen or heard from her in over 10 years. That was a sore subject, i had no idea how to feel. He wanted me to figure it out, sooner rather than later.

He pushed me hard. I pushed right back. I had never done that before. It felt wrong, but i wasn’t ready to let go of my feelings and emotions yet. He had other ideas, like always. He wanted the balance back. I was scared, stressed and i felt very alone at the moment. Like we were strangers for the moment, only i know Him and everything about Him.

Talking to my girls helped. One of them reminded me that i wasn’t just His girlfriend, i was first and foremost His slave. Only we are adjusting to so much that the slave part of me wasn’t coming out. I knew what i had to do. Yield to Him. It had always been my safe place. It was ‘Ours’. The first thing He did when He saw me in slave position was make me feel safe again. I felt love pouring out of Him. I felt like His again. There was balance. I felt so much better. My anger melted away, i realized in that moment i could keep my anger and push Him away and lose everything I’ve wanted, or let Him show me the way, He has already said He will fix all of this between us. I’m giving Him that trust that He can process all He’s going through ,and pull He and i together, and make this into a family. Even though a part of all of us will always be missing.

I can finally see the forest through the trees. That doesn’t mean i haven’t lost my path, but He’s right there reminding me to trust Him, trust His way. He puts me back on the path. He still has just let us remain mostly vanilla for now, not much pressure. I think He sees the bigger picture. I don’t really ask. I’m trying to become more verbal, trust more, really listen.

Things are so much better without my anger! I love you Daddy

Honey, I’m home…

It was a long wait til he got home, felt like forever in babygirl timeframe. I was trying my hardest to listen we spoke, which wasn’t as often as I needed, but we tried hard to make it work, stay connected. There were plenty of times I had to make decisions without him, this was always the hardest. I have loved Him since the first time we met, I have never wanted anyone like this so much in my life. But now I was angry, bitter and had no idea how to let those feelings go. I wondered if we’d be like strangers next time we were together.

When our moment finally happened, we would be together again, I was scared to death, but then nothing was gonna stop me from getting to him.

Once I saw Him, I threw the car in park and ran into His arms. It felt so good to have His arms around me again, smell him, taste His kiss. I was in heaven. We were finally home, about to walk thru the door i knew this would never be the same again for him. He is definitely the strong one. All that we have been through, him way more than me, and He is able to pull himself together, and the rest of our family as well.

I was keeping my anger for to long. It can and will destroy anything in it’s path, and I was set on being right that He abandoned me. He expected me to pull our lives together and carry on in His place. He wanted communication from me so He knew all going on at home, and Him help with everything. I felt He expected to much from me, more than I could do. I would break down, He would expect me to pull it together and break down at a better time. He would be there from a distance and finally let me break down. He’d put me back together in the only way He could, thru words, and listening. I felt like He let me get hurt, only He tried everything to not let that happen before our lives were turned upside down. I think I just wanted to be angry and bitter, so He let me. He refused to give me my way, which gave me more temper tantrums. He was as patient as a saint since He got home. It’s only been a month, my trust needed to build. I needed to get laid,plenty. I wanted food, His attention, Him to talk to me I just refused to budge on letting my anger go. He knew it, He’s smarter than me. He’s always one step ahead. I couldn’t handle the thought of being spanked by Him, not yet. I had so much pain in my heart, in my soul, He needed to help me before I needed the full lifestyle. He knew it. He let me have space to come to Him slowly. I did. He’s not happy that my communication is way off,but I’m working on it and fast! Why? Because Daddy is back home. He gave me time, but time is almost up.

I had a test recently, I passed with 95%, only 1 question wrong, best grade in my class! Was that good enough for Him? Probably, but I opened my big mouth. He used to tell me I better pass my tests at 100%, or I’m in trouble. He was being sweet on the phone, I thought ” He must have forgotten that I was always under rules about this”. I was wrong,He didn’t forget. In fact I have spankings coming, yeah me? Not. But in that moment He seemed more Daddy like. I couldn’t have my way. He had been letting me have my way, til things seemed normal again.

What does normal look like now? It’s definitely different. There is some of us from the past that was brought through to the present, and then the rest we figure out as we go. So, the lifestyle will be something we figure out too. He deserves my respect, and I need His too. We both need to trust again. We need to feel connected all the time like we used to. Sex, sex, and more sex! Cuz I’m the horniest babygirl, and months of Him long distance was more than I could do.

I did have to be honest with myself, I was fucking things up. Ok, so He let me hold on tight to being angry, but do I really want it to drive Him away? Fuck no. He’s all I want, ever wanted, In this big world He’s all I’ve got too. We have future plans! I want them all. I want to get back to 3somes, I have a few fears here but I’m sure He will help me find my way, He always did before.

See, I’m starting to feel normal again too. I knew I did when I felt so strongly about being in slave position for Him. I adore Him, He’s my one true love, My King, My Master, My Daddy, my best friend, my everything! For He and I there was only one way to convey that message with no words, let the slave in me show the way!

I can now see a great future ahead of us. I’m still afraid of will He have to leave again. We have lots to let heal, we will always miss “B”. She’s never off my mind. I want our future plans, now more than ever! I’m a strong believer that we have been through everything now, and still we are doing this together. That has always been a promise we made each other that we will get through everything and anything TOGETHER! Some things have been easier than others, But that’s life. The fact that we have been through so much and we’re still standing is a miracle in itself, one I’m thankful for and I won’t take my life for granted.

Life is getting back to normal. My anger has subsided. Daddy is back to himself! That’s a good and bad thing, He’s just itching to beat my ass. Now that we live together I’ve got no way to save it. He used to go If I was a praying person I’d ask for some kind of miracle there too, like my ass fall off, his hand can’t hit my ass for a good reason, can’t think of one. How the fuck does He always know what I need. I think everything is gonna be good!

I love you Daddy❤️