How did He know…

One thing I’m not is a great communicator. I can write, text, but talk… Not really. I’m just not a big talker. 

Even though I’m like this, He makes me talk. It’s been a long road together, He says “what’s wrong?”, ” What’s on your mind?” Sometimes, honestly I’m not ready to talk, or I’m trying to figure out on my own thoughts ,if this is a big deal or not, what made me change? However, if He’s nearby He notices right away and wants me back to my happy self. I’m usually thinking, ‘ please give me a minute’. With Him, there are no minutes, it’s now. Wow, that’s hard. I have to quickly figure out what changed, why it changed. Some things in my head make no sense to me, so why share them. But I had no idea He was at work! Within me! He knows the abuse I suffered with my ex, thru my childhood. I didn’t even know He was paying attention. He’s been helping me this whole time. Wow. I respect Him so much for that, which adds to the love I feel for Him.

I can’t see the bigger picture here. I never do. Where I think I’m doing fine, He is trying to do His job as my Master. To be perfectly honest, no one before Him ever gave a shit that I was so quiet. In fact, I was judging my exes and past Dom’s for that, now that I think about it. It’s really the reason I knew it was never going to work with any of them. They only wanted sex, not the real me. How can you base any relationship on just sex, not even great sex. Well it wasn’t for me. Daddy will tell me it’s ok if I cared for them, or loved them ,it’s in the past. But to me those feelings weren’t there. I didn’t respect them, they didn’t respect me. I didn’t love them, none treated me with love. They cheated on me, I was crushed one more time and thinking there was something wrong with me. So, how could I ever love any of them. Love is something that I’ve been searching for , and didn’t seem to find. I didn’t tell these men that I loved them, it would have been a lie. I slightly cared about a few, but I knew in my heart it was nothing that was going to last forever. How did I know? I didn’t think about them all day, I didn’t miss them, barely texted, never called them. I didn’t even take any pics with them.  All of these things were different with Daddy! I know myself, I’m real with myself. I hope Daddy understands this better. 

I love sex, but if you can really reach me on a personal level, most haven’t, then what’s the point of having them in my life. I never understood how any of them thought I was enjoying the relationship. They knew nothing about me, nor cared to learn. What’s my favorite color, car, movie,etc… Daddy knows these answers! 

Right off the bat, my Daddy was different. He’s fun, adventurous, and expected me to talk. Now I was alert, omg, I have to talk finally. This has been so different, scary even. What if He doesn’t like what I have to say, or how I think. This kind of connection with Him made things very different between us from the start, and the sex has been mind blowing for me. I even have my orgasms back! I am multi orgasmic, always have been. But once I was married it disappeared in the first few months. Neither separation, nor divorce, or dating brought it back. But this one morning with Daddy OMG! It just happened! He stopped what He was doing, looked at me and said, ” Are you ok? What was that?” I politely smiled at Him, let Him know I was fine and that I’m multi orgasmic and hadn’t done that in a very loooooong time. It was true! I didn’t think I could do that anymore. I remember after Daddy left that morning, thinking to myself, ” I’m back, I’m me again!” I was hooked. I had no idea how this man brought that out in me again, but something was different and I was on a quest to figure it out. 

2 years later, I still can’t tell you why or how my body responds to Him, it just does! And damn it feels good! He loves it! I’m truly with the right person. I get to be with Him forever, I think my body enjoys that as well. Life is Good! And this is exactly how I judge men from my past. 

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Here’s to us

As we began this journey ahead of us, I can’t help but notice everything is about to change again. I’m very excited, I’m ready.  I know you will push me to change, to grow, to learn all ways to please you. And you know I’m fine as long as you feed me bbq.

Everyday will be us ,Together in this thing called life. Learning more about each other , more than we have the last few years. 

I fear I will never be all that you want or need. I’m just not enough, but you’re still standing here. You try to tell me I am, but I don’t listen very well at times. Then the other night when you told me why you love me, why you picked me, how much I matter to you. It was beautiful, I was just blown away. No one has ever loved me so much. Thank you❤️

Recently, we toasted, to us. I felt something I hadn’t before.  Like my life is right where it should. I felt happy, peaceful. Sex was beyond perfect, omg!! Laughing together like I do with friends, I realize you really are my best friend, my lover, my Daddy, my Master, my King, Everything I need all rolled into one!

I wonder what the future holds. How many years we get? I’m thankful for each day with you. I’m happy to be taking this step with you. I honestly never saw you coming. I start to think to myself of all we’ve gone thru these 2 years. Honestly, if we hadn’t taken our time to grow together most of this crap could have torn us apart. I’m truly glad that we went slow, and now look at us! Going thru some very stressful stuff and as we needed a moment to take it all in, and process. Once the dust settled, look at us! Standing here, side by side, stronger than ever!  

All that we will go thru as we spend our lives together. I’m excited to see our family grow together.  As we raise the kids, have time together,making memories . Life can only be summed up in one word:

Happiness

The long road ahead

As my bff has found the Dom of her dreams, things are heading full steam ahead. She’s now at the very crucial point, becoming fully His.

He is starting to break her. For those in our lifestyle you know what I’m talking about. Each Dom will shake is head in accordance, as they have each broken someone who means something to them. Each submissive smiles and has that moment of ‘ oh dear God , the pain. But it’s all worth it.

Was it really worth the pain? When it’s the right Dom, yes. I’ve known some that would help break any sub or slave, no relationship was needed. Just your time, and respect for the Dom. No sex involved. It was just to free her from all the pain of the past, set her free. Help her grow in each area of her life to be the best she can be. I’ve met fake Dom’s who took this breaking very wrong. Used the women for sex, no real training. I’ve been here a long time, even my first Master who helped train me to a point, knew it would not be sexual, never was. It was about protocol, rules, expectations, how to serve with your whole heart. Once he was done we were released. He let us know he’s gone as far as he was able, training would be accomplished by the one who picked us for their own. He was right. I learned plenty. I was happy, peaceful, young, and now searching for my other half of the puzzle. I now look at all exes as life showing me what I don’t want. If I think about this any other way, my self talk really goes badly, ‘ how could you be so stupid’, ‘ what were you thinking’, ‘ were you on drugs for that whole relationship’. Shit like this, unhealthy.

Granted I still have my good days, and my bad days. But most are good! I’m happier now that my Master has shown me how He wants me to serve Him. How to think, how to behave. He’s made room for my babygirl side, not much room for the brat in me. My friend did ask, ‘ how will I know when training is done?’ that’s a fair question, ‘ never’. As people we are always evolving and changing, He will know the way, so follow Him. 

When you’ve been single a long time, how do you just let someone take over your life? One step at a time! Rome wasn’t built in a day, neither will you be. Believe me, she doesn’t always like my answers. Each sub or slave will have their own breakdown and rebuild, no two are alike. 

She is cautious if he will read her and know what she needs, doesn’t need. On this, I giggled alittle. They are born dominant, they think dominant, they sleep dominant, they react dominant in this world. We, however, are submissive so we can only understand our side of things. This is where trust will take you further. Just let go… Yes, easier said,than done. But we submissives all go through this fire.

Why must I be broken? Aren’t I fine the way I am? This gave her cause for concern, does he want a perfect woman and she is his willing victim. To the untrained eye it might appear this way. I had to find an analogy she could relate to. Her children and gardening. I started, ” if your child was full of unhappiness,sadness, pent up emotions, not living life to the fullest would you leave your child there? If any of your plants were not doing well would you let it die, or work on bringing it back?” Her response, ” I’m not heartless I would guide my child with love ,listen to them, help them thru, do what was necessary. The plant too”. I smiled at her, she looked puzzled.

Let me explain! He sees you not living at your full potential, pent up crap from the past, things that need to go. He will show you how to release it all. Then he will fill those empty spaces with things you actually need. And show you who you really are, the real YOU that you were meant to be before life happened to you. Plus, you’re his so you will learn how to please him. Think of his needs before he speaks of them. Put him first in all things. This is what Dom’s do, when he’s done you will be an amazing woman, the woman you were always meant to be. And since he’s the one doing the work, he reaps all the benefits. I can hardly wait to see you six months from now, a year from now. 

She wondered if this is what makes me love my Master more? Yes, it does. Plenty of men before Him saw my pain, and made more, whether intentional or not. He saw my worth, what I can become. Even the things He puts me in charge over in my life, He still watches those. He still pushes me, even out of my comfort zones. The only thing is I don’t fight near as much. I will occasionally ask if this one area can be untouched, the answer is usually, ”No, I expect it to be done, no more questioning me”. Believe me I know how to grit my teeth and bare it really well. But once I get through it I’m very happy, I grew again. 

My Master knows me like a book. He’s knows when to push, and when to leave something alone and maybe try it again at a later date. For instance, humiliation, my ex robbed me of all my emotions. My Master could hardly say anything to me that I didn’t take it like a personal hit to mean He must hate me as much as my ex. Years later, my Master can look at me and ask, ” who’s Daddy’s lil whore?” I’m smiling like an idiot! And my babygirl side is bouncy and giggling, ” me Daddy!!” I’ve changed so much. He, my Master, knows my past, knows me so well that with only words He could kill me if He wanted. A few times, in the heat of an argument, He has cut me and I’m bleeding out. Only He didn’t leave me like that, lifestyle or not, we are still only human. He has had to fix me up again, and send me on my way. I’m good again. But there’s a difference, what other men meant for harm, my Master had no intention of harming me and leaving. It’s fixable. 

The vanilla world knows nothing of this kind of thing. Vanilla women are not allowed to let vanilla men break them down and build them up again, but better. Most vanilla men wouldn’t know where to begin. This is where I have always felt like our lifestyle is far superior than our vanilla counterpart. We choose to be an open book, they hide their true feelings. 

If you are so unhappy in your own world that you cannot see the beauty in this breaking down do NOT mssg me, I will not be kind. I have seen tv and many about females letting men deconstruct you, or take your identity. The commercial that comes to mind is a woman being  led around by a man, she’s on a collar and leash. He leaves her outside a store, the commercial sees her the same as a common house pet. I see the beauty in the collar and leash. As you wouldn’t want your dog to go to far from you, safety reasons, how would you let your woman go to far from you? But this particular commercial is made by feminists movement, and infringes my rights. They do NOT decide for me, my Master will. He has only my good in mind. For those small minded people, you make me sick 

The road ahead is a long one for bff, reason being, does she have a submissive side that she’s denied for years? If there is her Dom will be bringing it out. She’s never been trained before so everything is a surprise. I’m trying to show her how to respectfully ask for clarification. She did however not listen to me, and he stopped his process once she questioned and then told him what she can’t handle. But then asked him to explain what he’s doing, after he already did. I was shaking my damn head. Yikes! If this had been me and my Master, let’s just say I’d be lucky to be alive. This is where my bff says, ” I will not be in fear of any man”.  Wanna bet?

I calmly say, ” I never said fear, I said reverence”. I did try to explain to stop fighting the process. She let me know that he’s aware of how far he can push her and things that are hard limits and will stay that way. Again, I’m shaking my damn head, and I’m thinking” just shut up”.  

I had to explain why when she starts telling him she’s doing her best, that he gets up and leaves. Always a hard one! I explained it’s several reasons. 1. He knows it’s not your best, but you’ll get there how he wants you to be, he must push to see what that is. 2. How submissive are you. 3. Only one of you will be in charge and he leaves to remind you he chooses to be in your life and feel the pain of his empty presence. 4. You need to stop talking, this is his job. 5. Once you said, Yes , you lost all rights, you’re his.

She did let me know that breaking hurt like a son of a bitch. ” You don’t say?” Was my come back! She’s not sure she can continue. I ask, ” do you love him? Do you trust him? If not, don’t go thru the fire for him. It gets worse before it gets better, but it’s worth it”. We submissives know that ONE DAY when you look in the mirror, you finally see the person looking back. You wonder WTH is going on. Oh my god, he broke me. The only person you have to thank is him. The only person you want is him. You have value because of him. You now know all that pain was worth it! 

I gave her a hug as I left, I wished her the best. I hope she sticks with the breaking down, she needs it. She deserves to let go of all the crap from her past. She hugged me again, and said she was sorry for never paying attention to things I said. Or seeing the slave I am for my Master. She always thought the things I do to show my Master love and respect were mundane. Now she sees for herself! No apology was necessary, but I do get the added joy of when we go somewhere she MUST ask, and wait for the response. Paybacks a bitch! 

I’m still very thankful for my Master seeing potential in me. I don’t always see it. But I like me more now, than ever! All because of Him. Is His work done in me? Nope, it never ends. Thank you Daddy!

Do I want these things?

As Daddy and I were recently talking ,He wondered if I wanted these things:

I’ll admit when I got married the first time I  didn’t get most of these things. No ring, no beautiful wedding, no honeymoon. But I also didn’t get married for love. Things with Daddy are much different, I took my time to make sure He is the person I really wanted in my life. I didn’t rush into anything. I do want a future with Him. Question is, do I really need all those things, or just exist peacefully under the same roof with the man I love and that would be enough?

I gotta say, I never saw myself getting married again. But the idea of marrying someone who loves me, wants me in their life for more than just sex is wonderful! We have tons in common. I want to serve Him. I love our family. We just fit together perfectly. It works so well without the ring,wedding, marriage now…

Ahh , but the romantic in my soul sees all the things I’ve never had and wants them! As long as He does! It would be nice to have something wonderful with Him, as long as He feels the same way!

So there’s your answer Daddy❤️

As my mind wanders

The drive was a long one, but worth it. I found something for Daddy’s birthday and I really wanted it! The store near me didn’t have it, so they gave me the closest store, it was far, but I know I’m going! Took the boys with me! girls were doing other things, Daddy was busy, so off we go…

As we drive thru a part of the next town, we were in the area of 4 homes we had lived in. My mind started going fast like a movie, it was scenes in each home and how violent our lives were back then. It was my ex, the monster. He hides it so well from the world, but underneath he’s really a big piece of shit, as far as human beings go. No one who meets him thinks he’s capable of all he put us through, but we aren’t crazy, and we did survive.

The fighting, yelling, hitting, bruises, screaming, and tears. How each of us suffered ( me and 3 kids). We were lost, and never thought it would stop. But I didn’t know the memories were still there, not all of them. Plenty were blocked. My boys started remembering how bad our lives had been. If you ever believed in zombies, well that was the four of us once separation set in. I will never know how I got out, I just knew I needed out. I’m still alive!

None of us had any idea how to do this life, figure out this world. I was the leader, so it felt up to me to make the first move. 

* Side note* when you are trying to get free from a sociopath narcissist nothing is easy, after 8 years we all still have some fear of his wrath. We know what he’s capable of, you have no idea.

Today is a new and wonderful time in our lives. We made it out of hell. Well most of us, three of us to be exact. One is still stuck by a parenting plan, but plz sweet girl hang on, I’m trying to save you. I really am. I need some hope, so does she.

The only hope we have really have, has been since my Daddy started taking over my life. I was this shell of a person, He showed me things I’ve never seen before. He treats me as I’ve never been treated before. I’m always grateful that even if we disagree He still loves me, He doesn’t hurt me mentally, emotionally, physically.He wants me to be fine. But I don’t think He has any idea how days like today make me happy that He’s here for me and the kids. We aren’t scared. Well a little maybe, but my ex is to scared himself to hurt anyone of us, since Daddy is the first man that ever wanted to stay. I feel protected,safe. We all have someone to go to now, cops never did a good damned thing to save any of us, neither did the courts.

I remember the first time Daddy stayed the night, actually for the first so many months I wouldn’t sleep much. I was so afraid He might try to kill me in my sleep, as my ex had tried so many times. I learned to not sleep, so I could stay alive. Now I sleep better when Daddy is in bed next to me, it’s the best sleep I’ve ever had! Thank you Daddy! You will never know what this means to me, that I can trust you so deeply. No one ever spent the night in my bed before, because of fear. They weren’t allowed in my home, cuz of fear. No guy near my kids , again cuz of fear. 

We were very fucked up, maybe we still are to some degree. Once Daddy arrived, I think He saw the damage, but I don’t think even now He fully gets the extent of the violence, maybe He does. I’m thankful that He doesn’t want to talk about it. He knows some, enough to know we are thankful He is in our lives. Weird thing is, we had cried to Him ” please don’t let the asshole hurt us”. I’m not sure what this does to Him when He hears our pleas. 

How does He feel about our pleas? Does He feel keeping us safe could get dangerous? How does He process all the violence we have all been thru? Does He even realize how much we owe Him for the safe feeling we have now? 

This family finally feels complete. We have a protector in our lives. If you’ve never been thru abusive hell than you won’t understand that kind of joy. 

Never easy, but always worth it!

As I talk to a friend of mine today, she’s excited about her new Dom. I’m excited for her. She’s got her new rules! Knows what he wants and expects from her, she’s happy as a clam! That’s great!

She did ask me if that happiness ever wears off? That’s a tricky one to answer. If it’s the right Dom for you, then no. If he’s not, then it will be short lived. I gave her honesty, it’s best to swallow that pill now.

Shes asking me a ton of questions. She’s so happy! She wants to know why she feels like a school girl. Dominants give us a gift. The gift of freedom! The gift of being our true self. The gift of service to them. He could have picked any female for this job, but it’s mine! It comes with no paycheck, no vacation time, but the perks are plenty!

Freedom just from Him taking over your life! How’s that possible? It’s hard to explain to the vanilla world, but those of us who get it, it’s the most wonderful feeling any submissive, man or woman, can have. My choices are what He allows. I go places, only He allows. I meet up with friends, only He allows. I eat, only what He allows. I drink, only when He allows. I dress how He allows. I cum, only when He allows. I speak, only when He allows. I serve, All the time! I am actually serving in each example listed, by obeying Him. It’s an easy concept, but delivery can be hard as fuck somedays. 

I shall be her support on days when she’s tired of giving, and doing. Forgets why this was such a wonderful life. Trust me, you have those days. But we always get back on track, a great Master knows your human. That you might need a moment to just be you. They watch, observe, and then help you get back to being submissive you, it’s never forced. If it was forced you’d never find joy in it.

Vanilla people serve too. A wife who makes dinner, cleans the home, does laundry, chauffeurs the kids, is her man’s support. Umm hello that’s serving! 

My life is happy! I can understand my friends happiness, because my life rocks too! I have the love of a wonderful man, who’s also my Master. He’s my Daddy, my King, the only man who owns my heart and soul. But He’s also my friend, the one I go to when I’m falling apart, He listens then points out how to find what I’m looking for, makes me laugh! He sings to me! I love our conversations, ok when they aren’t about me being blonde. Yeah, I said it! I won’t remember it in 30 seconds! He encourages me, helps me, believes in me, wants me. I have the most amazing life! Of course we all have our good days and bad days. Make sure the good out number the bad. 

What about Him? Does He feel your love in word and deed? Hopefully so. Does He always want to be in charge? He was born dominant, as I’m born submissive. But He will have good days and bad, He’s human as well. Don’t be so selfish as to think you are the only one who has needs here, they are just different from His own. Men need to feel loved, cherished, women need to feel wanted. Always give your best to your dominant, the rate of return is great. This is where vanilla people get lost. When you communicate, on the same page, roles identified, rules established you can’t help but feel safe, happy. It’s all spelled out before you. You know what’s expected, what will happen, how it will happen. There are no grey areas. But if something is not clear, just ask , your dominant wants you to understand. You won’t be set up to fail, ever. This concept is most definitely lost on vanilla people. 

So, what did we learn today? Lifestyle is pretty easy, we make it harder than it is, we will have some challenges, but it’s always worth it! Live with no (regerts)!!! Yeah I did that on purpose, not cuz I’m blonde, but I am blonde, but cuz  it’s funny. I think I’m funny, Daddy doesn’t! But I am!  Oh forget it!