The long road ahead

As my bff has found the Dom of her dreams, things are heading full steam ahead. She’s now at the very crucial point, becoming fully His.

He is starting to break her. For those in our lifestyle you know what I’m talking about. Each Dom will shake is head in accordance, as they have each broken someone who means something to them. Each submissive smiles and has that moment of ‘ oh dear God , the pain. But it’s all worth it.

Was it really worth the pain? When it’s the right Dom, yes. I’ve known some that would help break any sub or slave, no relationship was needed. Just your time, and respect for the Dom. No sex involved. It was just to free her from all the pain of the past, set her free. Help her grow in each area of her life to be the best she can be. I’ve met fake Dom’s who took this breaking very wrong. Used the women for sex, no real training. I’ve been here a long time, even my first Master who helped train me to a point, knew it would not be sexual, never was. It was about protocol, rules, expectations, how to serve with your whole heart. Once he was done we were released. He let us know he’s gone as far as he was able, training would be accomplished by the one who picked us for their own. He was right. I learned plenty. I was happy, peaceful, young, and now searching for my other half of the puzzle. I now look at all exes as life showing me what I don’t want. If I think about this any other way, my self talk really goes badly, ‘ how could you be so stupid’, ‘ what were you thinking’, ‘ were you on drugs for that whole relationship’. Shit like this, unhealthy.

Granted I still have my good days, and my bad days. But most are good! I’m happier now that my Master has shown me how He wants me to serve Him. How to think, how to behave. He’s made room for my babygirl side, not much room for the brat in me. My friend did ask, ‘ how will I know when training is done?’ that’s a fair question, ‘ never’. As people we are always evolving and changing, He will know the way, so follow Him. 

When you’ve been single a long time, how do you just let someone take over your life? One step at a time! Rome wasn’t built in a day, neither will you be. Believe me, she doesn’t always like my answers. Each sub or slave will have their own breakdown and rebuild, no two are alike. 

She is cautious if he will read her and know what she needs, doesn’t need. On this, I giggled alittle. They are born dominant, they think dominant, they sleep dominant, they react dominant in this world. We, however, are submissive so we can only understand our side of things. This is where trust will take you further. Just let go… Yes, easier said,than done. But we submissives all go through this fire.

Why must I be broken? Aren’t I fine the way I am? This gave her cause for concern, does he want a perfect woman and she is his willing victim. To the untrained eye it might appear this way. I had to find an analogy she could relate to. Her children and gardening. I started, ” if your child was full of unhappiness,sadness, pent up emotions, not living life to the fullest would you leave your child there? If any of your plants were not doing well would you let it die, or work on bringing it back?” Her response, ” I’m not heartless I would guide my child with love ,listen to them, help them thru, do what was necessary. The plant too”. I smiled at her, she looked puzzled.

Let me explain! He sees you not living at your full potential, pent up crap from the past, things that need to go. He will show you how to release it all. Then he will fill those empty spaces with things you actually need. And show you who you really are, the real YOU that you were meant to be before life happened to you. Plus, you’re his so you will learn how to please him. Think of his needs before he speaks of them. Put him first in all things. This is what Dom’s do, when he’s done you will be an amazing woman, the woman you were always meant to be. And since he’s the one doing the work, he reaps all the benefits. I can hardly wait to see you six months from now, a year from now. 

She wondered if this is what makes me love my Master more? Yes, it does. Plenty of men before Him saw my pain, and made more, whether intentional or not. He saw my worth, what I can become. Even the things He puts me in charge over in my life, He still watches those. He still pushes me, even out of my comfort zones. The only thing is I don’t fight near as much. I will occasionally ask if this one area can be untouched, the answer is usually, ”No, I expect it to be done, no more questioning me”. Believe me I know how to grit my teeth and bare it really well. But once I get through it I’m very happy, I grew again. 

My Master knows me like a book. He’s knows when to push, and when to leave something alone and maybe try it again at a later date. For instance, humiliation, my ex robbed me of all my emotions. My Master could hardly say anything to me that I didn’t take it like a personal hit to mean He must hate me as much as my ex. Years later, my Master can look at me and ask, ” who’s Daddy’s lil whore?” I’m smiling like an idiot! And my babygirl side is bouncy and giggling, ” me Daddy!!” I’ve changed so much. He, my Master, knows my past, knows me so well that with only words He could kill me if He wanted. A few times, in the heat of an argument, He has cut me and I’m bleeding out. Only He didn’t leave me like that, lifestyle or not, we are still only human. He has had to fix me up again, and send me on my way. I’m good again. But there’s a difference, what other men meant for harm, my Master had no intention of harming me and leaving. It’s fixable. 

The vanilla world knows nothing of this kind of thing. Vanilla women are not allowed to let vanilla men break them down and build them up again, but better. Most vanilla men wouldn’t know where to begin. This is where I have always felt like our lifestyle is far superior than our vanilla counterpart. We choose to be an open book, they hide their true feelings. 

If you are so unhappy in your own world that you cannot see the beauty in this breaking down do NOT mssg me, I will not be kind. I have seen tv and many about females letting men deconstruct you, or take your identity. The commercial that comes to mind is a woman being  led around by a man, she’s on a collar and leash. He leaves her outside a store, the commercial sees her the same as a common house pet. I see the beauty in the collar and leash. As you wouldn’t want your dog to go to far from you, safety reasons, how would you let your woman go to far from you? But this particular commercial is made by feminists movement, and infringes my rights. They do NOT decide for me, my Master will. He has only my good in mind. For those small minded people, you make me sick 

The road ahead is a long one for bff, reason being, does she have a submissive side that she’s denied for years? If there is her Dom will be bringing it out. She’s never been trained before so everything is a surprise. I’m trying to show her how to respectfully ask for clarification. She did however not listen to me, and he stopped his process once she questioned and then told him what she can’t handle. But then asked him to explain what he’s doing, after he already did. I was shaking my damn head. Yikes! If this had been me and my Master, let’s just say I’d be lucky to be alive. This is where my bff says, ” I will not be in fear of any man”.  Wanna bet?

I calmly say, ” I never said fear, I said reverence”. I did try to explain to stop fighting the process. She let me know that he’s aware of how far he can push her and things that are hard limits and will stay that way. Again, I’m shaking my damn head, and I’m thinking” just shut up”.  

I had to explain why when she starts telling him she’s doing her best, that he gets up and leaves. Always a hard one! I explained it’s several reasons. 1. He knows it’s not your best, but you’ll get there how he wants you to be, he must push to see what that is. 2. How submissive are you. 3. Only one of you will be in charge and he leaves to remind you he chooses to be in your life and feel the pain of his empty presence. 4. You need to stop talking, this is his job. 5. Once you said, Yes , you lost all rights, you’re his.

She did let me know that breaking hurt like a son of a bitch. ” You don’t say?” Was my come back! She’s not sure she can continue. I ask, ” do you love him? Do you trust him? If not, don’t go thru the fire for him. It gets worse before it gets better, but it’s worth it”. We submissives know that ONE DAY when you look in the mirror, you finally see the person looking back. You wonder WTH is going on. Oh my god, he broke me. The only person you have to thank is him. The only person you want is him. You have value because of him. You now know all that pain was worth it! 

I gave her a hug as I left, I wished her the best. I hope she sticks with the breaking down, she needs it. She deserves to let go of all the crap from her past. She hugged me again, and said she was sorry for never paying attention to things I said. Or seeing the slave I am for my Master. She always thought the things I do to show my Master love and respect were mundane. Now she sees for herself! No apology was necessary, but I do get the added joy of when we go somewhere she MUST ask, and wait for the response. Paybacks a bitch! 

I’m still very thankful for my Master seeing potential in me. I don’t always see it. But I like me more now, than ever! All because of Him. Is His work done in me? Nope, it never ends. Thank you Daddy!

Whatta mighty good man

Mix – Salt ‘N’ Pepa – Whatta Man 1994 (feat. En Vogue): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-WFNbMohTQ&list=RD8-WFNbMohTQ

Oh yes! He certainly is. Yesterday had a key point to it, that I find it hard to explain but I needed the validation. It could only come from Him. I love when He is raw and honest with me. Sometimes it’s hard to hear but my feelings and respect for Him go even deeper. I love this man beyond words. I do give Him my heart, soul, and anything else He might want from me. 

I have not seen anyone like Him. He pulled me and my kids together after a tough time we all had, He didn’t bail us out, but He made us face one another. He took control, something kids wanted to fight. They didn’t know what to do once He said, ” this is how this is” even to me. We all had to process. 

Daddy spent some letting me state my feelings clearly to Him, respectfully. I got to say what had been pent up for months. He listened. I needed to be able to say a few things about a person who is not directly in my life, but will be on the sidelines. For the first time really , yesterday, I listened to Him too rather than just get defensive. I saw this person in a new light. I let my hate go. It was no longer valid. But I still want this person to move on, but I can give you a break. I don’t hate you any longer. I do feel a bit sorry for you. Being a single mother too I get it, it’s scary. You could try to give me a break to, I hope you do. But even as I’m not promised that you will, just know I get it now, I’m not saying I agree with anything. But I can release my anger ,it’s just not needed anymore. You know, if you gave me a chance you might find I can be a great friend. But that ball is in your court. 
Thank you Daddy! You will never understand this thank you, but you deserve it!! I love you so much. I love you more! What I’m writing about is the ‘more’ part!
– His kitten

Dirty dreams

I woke up so horny. He would only let me touch but I couldn’t cum.  I figured it was best to not touch at all, cuz I needed to cum. 

It begins like this… several ppl getting ready for a party.  Daddy is talking it up with some guys. I arrive with 2 females and lots of food. We start bringing stuff in to this home where people are, but the party doesn’t start til later. My eyes meet with Daddy’s,  and we make our way to each other, it was the first time we had seen each other that day and I needed His attention in this moment. He is standing before me, reaches in to kiss me like He does, He is running His hands over my body and when He gets to my ass He is running His hands over my ass and just stops.

“Babygirl, are you wearing panties?” He growls to me in a deep voice. 

I can’t look Him in the eye, cuz I know what He expects, ‘no panties’. Without looking at Him i nod my head ‘yes’. He puts His hand up to my chin and makes my face look up at Him. I know not to move til I’m released. 

‘Im sorry Sir, I forgot I will go take them off now’. He has look of deep anger on His face. His eyes burning into me. I move my eyes away from His. I wait for His instruction. 

“turn around.” He says as He’s pulling me to Him. Everyone is looking our direction. I am facing away from Him now.  He yanks my jeans down in front of a room full of people,I just close my eyes. I know He doesn’t care who’s watching when He corrects me. I feel cold steel on my skin, near my hip. He cuts thru the side of my panties, then does it to the other side, pulls them thru the back. He has them in His hands now.

“Pull your jeans up now”. I can sense how angry He is. He turns me around to look at Him as I’m pulling my jeans up, and says,

” We will continue this at home”. 

All I say is, “Yes Sir”

The party is on, it’s going great all night long. In my dream I’m hoping it never ends. I don’t want to face Daddy, but I know it’s inevitable. He keeps an eye on me all night long. I make sure I get whatever He needs, but I’m dreading later. He still has that look on His face. 

He lets me know that He’s saying bye to His friends, I should go clean up quickly, we will be leaving in 20 minutes. I do as I’m told. I help clean up. As I’m still busy helping the other girls,  He walks up behind me and says, “let’s go now”. I look at my friends, give a half smile and I’m at His side heading to my car, He lets me know He expects me to go straight Home and wait for Him since He will be right behind me. “Yes Sir” , He closes my door and walks to His bike. I pull out of the spot, head home. As I’m driving home, I am wondering where this will lead . How bad can this get. Considering Daddy is a complete sadist I know I’m in big trouble. I can see Him in my rearview mirror behind me a ways.  

I pull into our home, Within minutes He’s right behind me. He is walking fast up to me, I don’t know what to do, He grabs me by the hair and pulls me thru the door, the dogs can feel His anger and they just move out of the way.  He’s guiding down the hall, by my hair to our bedroom. He finally let’s go of my hair but with a push, I land in our bed. He’s standing there, ” strip “. I go to speak, “say nothing, not one word unless I tell you to answer” 

I get up off the bed, start taking off my clothes,  He’s just watching. I’m not sure what His thoughts are, but this can’t be good. I see Him unbuckle His belt, tears start to well up in my eyes. I hear the leather as it’s pulling out from each belt loop.  It’s my least favorite sound. He motions for me . I go to Him. He grabs my arm pushes me to our bed, bends me over. I’m waiting to feel His wrath on my ass. Tears are already in my eyes, I had no idea He’d be so upset. I wasn’t trying to anger Him. 
He comes up behind me, tells me to sit on the bed. I do. He lets me know He’s angry, but with never hit me out of anger. I’m listening intently. He lets me know that now we are together,  I have not much room for error.  I know my rules.  I’d better adhere to them. He lets me know the fear I felt all night was real, next time. He has other plans for me tonight. He strips down and I see he’s ready to go. He pushes me to the ground carefully, I know what to do. I give Him what He wants. 
As soon as I feel Him stop, I wait for His direction. He puts His hands out to me, helps me up. He pulls me close says, “let’s have some fun”. He wants me on the bed, I obey. He is on me in mins. Inside me, making me moan. I am not sure how to feel this moment. He’s got my body going crazy for Him, like only He can do. I can tell my body needs release, I ask, “Daddy can I cum plz?”  Daddy is smiling now, He has a plan to make me pay for not following the rules. I’m thinking I know where this is going. He starts to speak, “Babygirl, you may NOT cum, not til I say. You didn’t follow the rules, there has to be consequences. Now that we are together full time, I don’t see you getting away with anything, do you? It goes my way Babygirl, only my way,  it’s not negotiable. Do you understand?” I shake my head ‘Yes’, tears flow, this is a way worse punishment then spanking. I know what’s coming.

“Now open those legs for Daddy ” I know I don’t get a choice, I open them up wide for Him. I can’t fight him, I signed up for this, but I won’t forget my rules again after this night.
Now you see how I woke up horny,  but all alone in my bed. No Daddy next to me.

-babygirl

Complaint department. Complain here.

I don’t think of myself as much of a complainer. I do try to let lots of things slide. I must say the more I analyze what happened to me the other to just lose it. Well, let’s just say I’ve got a list going.  So far my oldest child ranks #1. A state agency, no matter how many times I give them papers they lose them. My friends. 

I shall take the time to complain. All those feelings I’ve stuffed, shit I havent said but I’m not holding back now. This is one of the hardest things.  While, 1. This is my child, 2. He’s no longer a child, but has a child. My son has not been held accountable for his life choices, but he’s about to. He had an agreement with his ex, ‘ take care of our son, I won’t go after child support ‘. Why he trusted her is beyond me. I never trusted this girl as far as I could throw her, believe me I would love to throw her. I know we are all on this ‘ all lives matter’ bandwagon,  but this cunt doesn’t deserve that. She’s whiny, has to have her way at everyone’s expense, a liar, a cheater, a thief  (she has stolen from me), a lowlife. Never had a job since I’ve known her and probably never will, but she will find the time to live off the state.  Hey wait,  this was supposed to be complaining about my son. I had to give a bit of background so you know what we are dealing with here. 

My son, has lived with me almost a year now. He finally came up with a 6 month plan. Which for me can’t go fast enough. I love my grandson, he’s the cutest 2 yr old, next to my Masters 2 yr old ( shes adorbs!) But that’s not the problem. I’m tired of my youngest child (shes 15) and myself feeling like built in babysitters. My son might, might, might cook once a week. Hardly does dishes. Hardly takes out the trash. Refuses to clean up after himself. This is only allowed if you’re in a relationship with someone. We are not , we are mother and son. I ask that sense he’s sleeping on my couch, fold blankets, put pillows back each morning. This happens 75% of the time. Yesterday I was just going to drop off my kids to my ex. He wanted to go with me. I had no idea he had an agenda. I was quite angry. But the time I texted my Master to let him know how things were going. My Master had no idea how angry I was. My son hardly does laundry.  Then once we’ve done it all, it stays in God damn piles everywhere. Sink full of dishes but you can’t do anything about it. He will say things like, ‘I’ll get to it.’ But then never does. My Master will wonder why I need to escape to my bff’s home for hours. I don’t complain about it. Why should I , it won’t change.  My son gives me rent money late, with this new job I’m supposed to get it on time. Ok. Not much faith. He was supposed to help but groceries. Has only done that once. Has never cleaned anything. Vacuumed , I think twice. I pay for the water, city is to gross. If we go to the store, he buys his stuff, his sons stuff , and I buy for everyone. How is this fair? If I say anything to him, HE SOUNDS JUST LIKE HIS FATHER, which I hate, hate, hate, hate more than words can express. So I say nothing. If my Master has taled to him he will say something once he’s gone. My son doesn’t like my friends. Ditto. 

My son knows I like playing the lottery. But he will add his 2 cents in. Like well if you win that jackpot there’s enough for all of us. Us? There’s plenty for my Master and i junior. But when did you become ‘us’. Where is it written, ‘parents thou shall doest all for thine children, til death do you part’.  Umm no you fucker. I have a plan when I hit the big jackpot.my Master and I will take a long long vacation, much needed vacation. One with the kids, then one without! I will buy a modest home for my son as a gift, I would but one for (S) as well. That’s as generous as I feel. The kids will go to college (T, R, R, B) they will have some money to live on, and a car. But that education is more important. My Master, well He’s had a business stuck in His head for a while,  so seeing it come into fruition would make me happy. I will help a few ppl in my life. They would be gracious I know, cuz they never ask for anything. Plus a few organizations that have really been there. Other than that start a business I want, plus one with my daughter. My Master and I buy a decent home. One where he has room to make His own clubhouse.  It’s pretty simple.  But the few leeches in our life you will be on short leashes. Expect nothing, cause you give nothing.  

I guess if I saw my son going out of his way all the time, beat me to making dinner, start some laundry, do something without being asked. 

Yesterday, I knew He was home, said can I save money and you take the kids to your dad. All he said was, “I guess”. I proceeded to say “maybe you can help me on your day off with some stuff”, all I got was attitude and him saying, “we will have to see, it is my day off”. 

Well fuck face jr., it’s only my food, my couch, my apartment, mine,mine, mine. You ungrateful little fuck. Yes, every once in a while my son will do/say something nice. I have noticed he will suggest,”let’s go eat” and it seems to be my treat, a few times he paid his part. I’m not sure how long I can do this. My son is so much like his father, I divorced his father. Are there divorce proceedings for your own kids?

I had a friend who was talking recently about they got their kid out of there home finally. My son was listening, shared his own thoughts. He let my friend know that he stays with me cause he can’t afford to go. I haven’t seen him save. If he uses all his money he comes to me.granted when I first moved and started the job I have now, I didn’t think about all the expense. He did help me, that was this one time, how long ago was that?

This is a huge source of anger for me. I hate ungrateful ppl. I do think my son should be doing more, WITHOUT ME ASKING, he’s lived on his own before, said he loved it. I think the problem is: he doesn’t want to go, he might be lonely. He doesn’t want all the expense on him (welcome to the club, but you do what you have to do). He has heard my Master speak about us living together, which he then asks me later, “when is that hsppening?” I don’t care when, just know that I’m not gonna be concerned about you. You’re an adult.  There are plenty of shelters, you have friends,  you have another parent.  There are always answers. I think it’s easier for him to do this in my life cuz he knows I care about him, I do. But boundaries are needed, but not adhered to.

So to my Master: here’s my problem. Just when my ex gets 2 kids ,I go back home to 2 more kids. I never get a break. My son is always trying to get me to know how to do his life. There is tension between us. I can’t say anything to him cuz the moment you leave we start fighting. If you say anything to him, we start fighting. Now that his ex is taking him to court he’s angry and taking it out on me. I give it right back. Yesterday I thought he was just going with me when I dropped off the kids but he had other things gs to go do. I was so pissed off, by the time I saw you I could hardly think. I’m tired of his son coming to my home sick. Yesterday I yelled it at him, NO MORE, which my son asked. “Where are we supposed to go?” Exactly, no one would take in a sick kid. That’s like asking someone to watch this atomic bomb. I’m tired Sir. Quite frankly, I don’t want to be mommy to my adult son. I just want to run away from the stress. Now that this moron exposed my protected address I’m supposed to just sit back,  twiddle my thumbs and tell him it’s ok. IT’S NOT OK.now that he’s going to court I will see a court take money from him, so he has less, he was already doing everything for his child. I have even said to my friends , I’ll do anything for my Master, now that he’s busier if he needs anything for His daughter, I’m there. My son, stopped what he was doing to take the tI’m to tell me that I don’t do that for him. So. I did yell back at him, ” when I decided be in a relationship I signed for everything.  His children are important to me,  they are part of him, even when we live together the kids will be important. If my Master needs me to watch them, do something for them it is my duty to back Him up” My son ws not happy listening to that , I guess he feels he ranks higher than anyone. Well, I say, “fuck that you ungrateful little fuck” why should I bend over backwards for my son, he’s not my dominant, I owe him nothing. He has even expressed his unhappiness over Hawaii. I can’t keep this up. I feel sort of better letting it out . Maybe I needed to tell you that I feel it under the surface all the time as I live with him. Him doing what he wants as he chooses is difficult for me when it’s my space.  Each time he needs money and I’m expected to give it right then, but then I must wait weeks before being paid back, or if at all. When you tell me to talk to him, we fight and argue. When he recently changed jobs he didn’t ask me, just did it. No thought I guess if he can cover everything . 

Can anyone see my anger? I feel trapped. I feel used. I feel angry. I’m tired. 

Granted there was more stuff going on that day, true. But this is the source of most of my anger and irritation. 

Him picking up his son, to fall asleep cuz He’s worked all day. I do the same job, I’m awake, and now it’s assumed I want to watch a toddler, I dont. Wait, let me clarify! The only toddler I would watch  while a man sleeps is that of my Master, I will do it willingly, with joy. But not for him. I don’t have a relationship with him, gross, but you understand. The man I fuck, my Master, is the one I will do anything for.

I usually want to hit him when he sounds like his father.  I can’t do that much longer, it’s like dealing with my ex. Does he have a plan for his life? He says yes, but I don’t see it. Him giving his son food to walk around with , all over my furniture,  the floor. He doesn’t always clean it up. I need him to clean it up, I can’t live in filth. I shouldn’t have to.

I’m not sure I’ll be done complaining about this.  Nothing changes. I need it to, soon.

-babygirl

Handle with care.

Yes, this is how to handle things, all things, with care. Actually with great care.

In a relationship,  vanilla or kink, handling everything with care is necessary. As there are 2 people involved, and any problems, concerns should be addressed properly, with care.
Always mindful of respect. But dealing with issues at hand will be the result you look for. Let anger go, it’s useless.

I have a few things I need to handle with care.  I am feeling clear headed, but understood that the stress that was building wasn’t my own. So ,now to deal with it head on. I am mindful of my words, not wanting to harm, but answers will be expected.  There is no right or wrong answer either, only an answer. I deserve to have balance back in my life, but to achieve that, I need to make some tough decisions. 

I am not a decision type person, until I feel backed into a corner. Which is where I’m at. If necessary I can claw my way out of the corner. I was pissed off yesterday. I think I had great reason. But now I’m done with being pissed, I want clarity.i want peace. I want balance.  I’m not done, yet.

I’m worth clarity. So, in all the areas of my life, where there hasn’t been any, I am seeking that. As refuge to stand and survive. I won’t settle for less.

Two of my children felt my wrath. One seems to think I owe more. I do not. There is no more requirement on my part, but the money you owe, it’s up there, repayment before I feel not so nice. To the other, stop being sneaky, I see it all. But to take advantage because I get overwhelmed,  tsk.tsk. I’m still the mother.

A demon I’ve been some moments,  shall I let it stay. I think I see an auto place that should be ripped to shreds, maybe an ex, Hmm. A few people that have caused me pain, yet I act like it’s nothing. No more. No, that is not me. I don’t want to be the demon. But I processed quickly, and those in my path when I woke up… Well , the word ‘shock” came to mind.

I noticed everything,  I have a mental list of it all. The fog is gone, there are clear blue skies,  and I’m done with certain things. To handle this with care, is what I want.  Just don’t mistake my niceness for weakness. I don’t need you, you need me. So don’t confuse the two.

What was in those bruises…lol.  It shook something up in me. Good/bad. Now to get me back to where I belong, and do it with care, yes I need that too. But momma didn’t raise a fool,  you get more kindness from others, when you show it. I don’t mind treating others nicer than they treated me. Just don’t mistake my niceness for weakness. Never make that mistake.

My great grandmother,  a rare gem I had for only a short time. Would say,
‘Pretty is, as pretty does’.   If you don’t understand those words, then you might need a course in what true beauty is, but that’s another day.

-babygirl

Lost, somewhere in Arizona

( This writing is for friend of mine, he just broke up with his fiance of 2 years)
Love ya big kid. Here if you need me!

How did I get here? I just keep asking myself the same question over and over. The answer never comes. I’m a man, but where is it written that I have no emotions.  I feel. Right now I feel them all, anger, hate, love, rage, sadness, jealousy, envy.

You have made me into this mess of a man. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone. I cannot even fathom the thought of another woman in my life, I’m sure that will come in time.

I woke up this morning, elated. I’m not your whipping boy any longer. I don’t have to listen to you bark commands, see you mistreat our own son since you never appreciated  being a mother. I won’t have to listen to you bitch about either of our friends or family members again. Just for the record, make sure you understand  princess that you drove us apart, not anyone else. With your incessant jealousy, at least now I get why. Because how many guys did you have behind my back?  It makes furious to no end that I gave up talking to my friends that were girls. But you never had to give up guys. Why the double standard?

Now I have put you on your merry little way,  go ahead replace me. I will gladly open the door for you, as I am a gentleman,  but you won’t be walking back through it darlin. You made your choice. Go get him tiger. I did love the irony of the situation. It was quite amusing to me. That the very man that you cheated with is not the one you will find solace with. You can imagine my smile over that one. You think it would hurt, but I was numb for so long as you dug those knives in my back. Now to get them removed permanently.  As you go with them. I would say I wish you well, but I cannot. I was willing to live my life with you, give you my name, have a family. You acted like that was the dream we shared, only to smash it on the ground as it was nothing.

So you know, now it is nothing. I can walk away too. Find a new dream, new path. It’s going to take time to heal. I expect that. But once I am me again, you will still be the same cheating asshole bitch who started all this. Fuck you and all your pathetic attempts to get me to forgive you, again.

How does the saying go. Fuck me over once, shame on you. Fuck me over twice, shame on me. Fuck me over the third time, oh yeah there shouldn’t have  been a third time. You fucking whore.

I may have to share my son with you. But don’t mistake my niceness for weakness you cold hearted bitch.

It’s seriously to late,  buying pop won’t do it. Making favorite  dinner won’t do it. Cleaning our home won’t do it. Trying to make pleasant  conversation  won’t do it. Even taking your clothes off near me, that really didn’t do it. All I did was pack a bag and left. There’s no more going back you ungrateful  piece of shit. I loved with all I had. Hopefully I grow from this and find the one who appreciates me.i am sure I will. I’m in no hurry. I have my life to live and a path before me. This is an exciting time. You have to watch me live my life, be successful , and you will still probably be a piece of shit when I’m done. You do understand that im still wondering how you call him a friend, when he so clearly wants to fuck you. What guy calls his friend ‘ babe’, ‘ love’, reminds you to get rid of mssgs, calls himself your secret, you made plans to meet in secret. Bet you thought I would never find out. Sort of have your cake and eat it too. No way princess. Karma kicked your ass, I kicked it to the curb. Buh-bye.

Good luck with you life, stay out of mine, unless my son needs me.

I noticed today, the sky is bluer, the birds are singing, air I breathe is sweeter. I’m going to be ok!!

Rant over-