Happy 4th of July

Our family hopes you have a wonderful day to today celebrating Americas freedom.

Our family is having a rough time. Once she was gone, we were broken. Coming to terms with she won’t be back, has been a thought that doesn’t want to process.

We are trying to get back to normal, only for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was. What was I doing before all of this? Was I thankful everyday that I had such a great life? I find myself waking each morning I’m already in tears. If I close my eyes I see her, so why close my eyes…

I’m having a hard time eating. I go to the fridge and look around, my thoughts are “what do I want?” I know what I want, to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. She’s not in the fridge, so I close the door. I realize I’m not eating much. Food lost it’s flavor. Except BBQ.

My house is staying clean. I actually hate it now. I used to gripe each day. Toys everywhere, piles of stuff, looked like the Tasmanian devil went thru our home. If I could just have that one more day, I promise I won’t be irritated by it anymore, ever again. 

All the challenges of toddlerhood, learning to potty, the accidents, baths cuz that baby is a mess, will you please just eat, no you’re not getting candy, taking my iced tea, bedtime! You’re exhausted at the end of the day, but you smile cuz Mini me is so much fun. Damn that energy is definitely wasted on the youth!

No more seeing her dad be the human jungle gym. No more her sit by dad, put her legs up for him, say”get’em”wanting him to grab her legs, and pick her up and toss her around. When she’s sick or can’t sleep wants to snuggle up to her dad, cause she’s a total Daddy’s girl!

No more build a bear, celebrating holidays, birthdays with her. How do we get thru them? 

What’s the timeframe for moving on…I don’t want her forget her, but I’d the pain in my heart to calm down. 

I went to the store the other day, Everytime I heard a little girl laugh or cry, I had to look. What if it was her? What if this never really happened, we wake up it just felt real. 

What happens when this happens and you don’t get to say goodbye? Does she know how much we love and miss her? Does she feel gone, wonder where we are? It feels so final, it’s just over. Why couldn’t I be warned that it was coming and I needed to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her one more time. Do I have enough pictures in my phone of her.

I feel now all things we will miss. First day of school. Missing teeth. Babydolls and Barbie’s. Learning to ride a bike. Makeup. Girls night with both my daughters. Sleepovers with friends. Driving. College. Day she gets married. It’s just all gone. What would she look like? Would she still be a Daddy’s girl? 

I know I’m rambling here, but I don’t know how to say these things. We have other kids to get thru this time. Wow is this tough. People keep asking me how I’m doing, I’m numb. I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I just want to stay in bed. I have to work, the bills didn’t stop. 

I miss her ❤️

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A moment of silence

I needed a moment of silence, to clear my thoughts, concentrate on whats important here. 

What’s important? Well, I am first and foremost His slave. I will find a way to be of use at this time. I will grieve but not let it stop me. That’s not what He would want. He would want us to not stuff our feelings, but also not let it stop our life. Balance.

Emotions are a tricky thing. We tend to not let go of them, let them control us. 

How will I do my day in His absence… Like I always do. Kids will have their list of chores to get done. I will be at work. I will find out what my Master needs from me, and get it done quickly as I can. Be His strength right now. He will need me in this very rough time. I know my place. By His side. 

I will fight my inner urge to stay in bed and be depressed, as it will not help anyone right now. And at some point He will bring it up and I would have to pay for that. This is not the time to push my own agenda. 

Doesn’t all of this affect me to? Of course it does, I’m only human. But perspective is key. As I needed to talk to a friend of mine, she’s a wonderful slave, she gave me that moment, and then put things in perspective for me. She walked me thru some things, showed me the slave that I am. What really matters here. I love her dearly, as most don’t know the life of a slave. 

There are no books written,’how a slaves to behave in the face of tragedy’.  If you’re a slave have some slave friends, so when you go thru the hardest time of your life,you can draw on their strength to renew your own. I have needed her so much. In the one small moment she helped me! I’m so grateful.

I have some great friends, but they are not slaves, that was obvious. I have been confused with Him not right here to guide me, comfort me, give me strength. Yet, I know deep down He will need me to be fine right now, His plate is so full. We will get thru this to, together. Be stronger than ever. 

It will take lots of time to move on from this. It has been horrific. One thing will always remain our love for each other, and our children. 
My Master has my heart, He knows that. I’m His forever 💓
I love you Daddy. Now, more than ever!

As I take this moment of silence, I realize it’s really happening, it wasn’t a bad dream, it’s completely real. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. She was just gone. Now to get Him back on track to. 
Life finds a way.. 

RIP our little cookie

She was only 3, cutest lil thing you’ve ever seen. I adored her the moment I saw her. How could I not, she’s just like him. 

I’ll always remember her making goofy faces with her dad, and her sister. Just being her very busy self. Putting on tons of lip gloss or chapstick,she looked beautiful! No matter what she was doing she involved you. Whether coloring, trying to read, loved stuffed animals. 

My heart aches, I seek for an answer I’ll never find. Why did she have to go so soon. We will all miss you 🍪 cookie. We love you so much! We know you are in heaven playing up there. Eating all the food, playing with balls and swim noodles,and babies.

We have all cried and cried tonight, it just doesn’t feel real yet. We love you cookie, and no matter how much we miss you, your daddy misses you like a bajillion times over. We will never forget you. We will never be the same without you babygirl. 

The big plan

I have surgery soon,tomorrow. We’ve all been waiting months for this to be over. No more old pain! It looks promising that all will go well. That’s what I need. As of the last few days I hug them all tighter, kiss them more.

I had this idea in my head that just in case it all go wrong, maybe I should write a good bye letter to each one. I sat there with pen in hand, nothing came to me. I then thought about making a video for them, I didn’t. I realized saying good bye was to hard. It would be leaving my life and everyone I love behind, and I’m just not ready for that.

How dare I leave my Master slaveless, my children motherless, my friends friendless. I have a life to live. There are people who need me, counting on me. But then theres me. I’m really not done. I want to see how my story ends. I still have so much to do!

As I thought about all the people who touch my life, Daddy is my first thought. How could my story be done when I just found the love of my life? The man who has brought me life, a good life. He got me to see things differently, feel differently. He reached deep in me and pulled the slave back out in me, put that front and center. He has been so loving and patient, while I learn that He won’t hurt me like the past has. We are planning a life together! I’m excited to belong to Him in every sense of the word.

My children. Oh the places my thoughts take me.I have 3 kids health issues, 2 have special needs. My kids have looked at me, said; ” no one would ever want to change places with you mom, your life is so hard, but you make it look easy”. I guess I do, my oldest tries to help me while I’m at work and he is so happy when my day is done and I get my life back. He lets me know he’s not sure how I get so much done for his siblings. He gets why is father didn’t ask for time in the divorce. 

I would miss my kids so much, it has been my most favorite thing in the world ,to be their mother. All the ups and downs, smiles and tears. Being a mom to three is more like being a referee then anything. I can call a penalty when I need! Kick them out of the game, I mean life til they are done being benched. Football just works here! I call the plays each day, they do the work. We all walk away in victory that we survived again. 

As I spent some time yesterday talking with this wonderful lady, I need her help and she offered to help me, she and her sister. One will get my kids to school, the other will get them home, or to my ex. I nearly cried. How did I get so lucky to find such wonderful women. I bust my butt each day to come up answers ,I don’t have any. I’m just so happy. Things have really come together. I don’t know how that happened. I’m trying to get back to work so fast, the lady yesterday had a similar surgery, she was off for 6 weeks.I let her know I don’t have 6 weeks. If I don’t heal quickly I lose everything. I will have no place to live. My kids and I will figure it out, we have before. Life could be hard for a bit. I’m prepared for this road. Our stuff in storage, living in a hotel, doing our lives. We’ve been there before. We always manage to make the best of it. This time on less money. This time will be different, as I have my Master. The thought of Him seeing me lose everything is not a good thought in my head. I’ve wondered if I needed to ask for some space to go what I need to go through. I feel shame in a way that I failed my family and they everything beause I didn’t save enough money. There is nothing extra. I’ve lost so much already. I’m still trying not to fall apart over that. I know He’s watching, but how much can one person go through. I don’t know that this slave could lose more right now and be able to hold my head up. Life won, it kicked my ass royally this time and I lost the fight in me, that’s the thought where I hang my head in shame. I can’t lose my kids too. I run that risk right now. I always do what I need to do to survive, but this time is different, He’s right there, always watching. I cannot stand up to Him, but the rest of the world I’ve got both middle fingers up! I will do what I need to survive. If I can survive a horrible childhood, and an abusive ex I can survive this too. 

My middle son asked me recently, ” are you scared?” I had to admit I am just a little, I’m only human. But I plan on living a very long time. Its just how do we get thru the healing part of this, I wish I was more prepared. I let him know I don’t expect anything from anyone,ever. I’ve always got some kind of plan. We looked at each other and smiled, my son hugged me for the longest time. He just needed to know he wasn’t going to have to go to his dad , not if I can help it! 

How do you plan for natural disasters within your life when you do this lifestyle? I have no idea. I actually have never been here before. How do I fall from grace and lick my wounds while being owned? Does He give me this time or stay right by my side? Do I ask to take a step back for a bit, never done that either? I’m either all in or I’m out. I may need to learn of the middle ground here. I might need to talk more, listen more, ask for guidance. I just don’t know. What will He require from me at this time? My mind is going a mile a minute right now. I didn’t think He may have His own ideas right now. He may have had to figure all these things out just as I have. I can’t focus right now, I don’t really want to talk about any of this, but writing it here might make that happen, He’s always paying attention, always listening to everything I say or don’t say, its really unnerving. 

I get I will learn from this too. I hope everything will go well. Right now I’m getting everything in order for it going either way. I didn’t want to leave them all hanging. I love them all so much, I love my life! Everyone in it! 

– His babygirl

In the blink of an eye

This is not a reg post. This is for one of Daddy’s brothers( best friend). He was in an accident last night, and his life was cut short. He leaves behind his wife and brothers. He will be missed very much so. This is Daddy’s extended family, they mean the world to him, just as me and the kids do. 

Life is never fair, so be sure you live life to the fullest each day. Enjoy your loved ones. Tell those important to you that you love them. For you may not get the chance ever again. 

Death is the most unexplainable thing we ever go through, deal with. There is no way for us to understand the universes infinite ways, therefore its something we question and must accept. We know things happen for a reason, even if we never understand that reason. For those of us left here to sort out feelings, go through memories, we are usually left with more questions than answers. It takes time to heal, but we never forget…

R. You leave behind your family and your extended family. All feel the pain of the loss of you in their lives, Not one left untouched by your passing. Just know you were loved, may that give you everlasting peace.

My sympathy ,for all who are mourning the loss of R. My heart goes out to you, especially my very own Daddy. I’m not sure how to get you through such a loss, but I’m here for you. All of you. If he was Daddy’s family, he was my family too. 

– babygirl

R.I.P. Elie Wiesel 2016

Today we lost a most respected member in the Jewish community.  Mr. Wiesel  was Nobel laureate for his book ‘Night’. Which depicted his history of being a young man in a concentration camp. It’s a most touching story. He died at 87 years old. 

Mr. Wiesel you will be missed. As shabbat has ended I can now, by Jewish standards, send this message. I am truly heart broken. 

“Hamakom yenachem etched b’toch she’ar avelai Tzyion Vi’jerushalayim”  jewish condolences during shiva. 

A brats prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I hope that Daddy’s slow to creep.
By my bed to spank me good,
Like I already know He should.

If I’m bruised as I wake,
I hope I can still work, even if late.
I’ll be moving slow from all the bruises,
It always goes as He chooses.

I’m not saying the word that makes it all worse,
It somehow always makes me curse.
It’s not good, it’s not fun,
It’s usually makes me want to run.

Daddys fierce and quite evil,
The very reason He’s nicknamed ‘The Devil’
He’s sadistic, more than most
But before He will spank, there will be a toast.

If I dont live thru His awful beating,
Guess I know who I’ll be meeting.
It’s either pearly gates, or a fiery pit,
Here He comes ,’Oh fucking  shit’.

So long world, my ass is cooked
Cuz He doesn’t like my attitude.
If I die from Him beating me
Just know I’m now set free.

No more beatings,No more lectures
Unless He really is the HEAD devil.
I’m worried that it might be,
Beatings for all eternity.

I promise I won’t be bratty ever again,
Oh Fucking hell, whom I kiddin’
Rest in peace won’t be what I’m dealt
As long as Daddy has a belt.

So long, it’s been fun
This is where I need to run.
Faraway from this place,
Hoping that I leave no trace.

I’m a brat I don’t know why
I don’t even have to try.
But if this is the last you ever hear from me,
Then this was my fucking eulogy

*hope I live thru what’s coming*

– babygirl