Happy 4th of July

Our family hopes you have a wonderful day to today celebrating Americas freedom.

Our family is having a rough time. Once she was gone, we were broken. Coming to terms with she won’t be back, has been a thought that doesn’t want to process.

We are trying to get back to normal, only for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was. What was I doing before all of this? Was I thankful everyday that I had such a great life? I find myself waking each morning I’m already in tears. If I close my eyes I see her, so why close my eyes…

I’m having a hard time eating. I go to the fridge and look around, my thoughts are “what do I want?” I know what I want, to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. She’s not in the fridge, so I close the door. I realize I’m not eating much. Food lost it’s flavor. Except BBQ.

My house is staying clean. I actually hate it now. I used to gripe each day. Toys everywhere, piles of stuff, looked like the Tasmanian devil went thru our home. If I could just have that one more day, I promise I won’t be irritated by it anymore, ever again. 

All the challenges of toddlerhood, learning to potty, the accidents, baths cuz that baby is a mess, will you please just eat, no you’re not getting candy, taking my iced tea, bedtime! You’re exhausted at the end of the day, but you smile cuz Mini me is so much fun. Damn that energy is definitely wasted on the youth!

No more seeing her dad be the human jungle gym. No more her sit by dad, put her legs up for him, say”get’em”wanting him to grab her legs, and pick her up and toss her around. When she’s sick or can’t sleep wants to snuggle up to her dad, cause she’s a total Daddy’s girl!

No more build a bear, celebrating holidays, birthdays with her. How do we get thru them? 

What’s the timeframe for moving on…I don’t want her forget her, but I’d the pain in my heart to calm down. 

I went to the store the other day, Everytime I heard a little girl laugh or cry, I had to look. What if it was her? What if this never really happened, we wake up it just felt real. 

What happens when this happens and you don’t get to say goodbye? Does she know how much we love and miss her? Does she feel gone, wonder where we are? It feels so final, it’s just over. Why couldn’t I be warned that it was coming and I needed to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her one more time. Do I have enough pictures in my phone of her.

I feel now all things we will miss. First day of school. Missing teeth. Babydolls and Barbie’s. Learning to ride a bike. Makeup. Girls night with both my daughters. Sleepovers with friends. Driving. College. Day she gets married. It’s just all gone. What would she look like? Would she still be a Daddy’s girl? 

I know I’m rambling here, but I don’t know how to say these things. We have other kids to get thru this time. Wow is this tough. People keep asking me how I’m doing, I’m numb. I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I just want to stay in bed. I have to work, the bills didn’t stop. 

I miss her ❤️


The fucking Brady bunch

Here’s the story,  of a tattooed lady, with 3 very lovely kiddos of her own. Each of them was searching for something better, that’s when He came along.

Here’s the story , of a tattooed man who seemed crazy. He was busy with 3 kids of His own. The four of them,  living altogether. Yet they were all alone. 

Then this one day the lady met this Master,

 they just knew it clicked, it was much more than a hunch. That this group will somehow form a dysfunctional family, that’s the way they all became the fucking Brady bunch! 

What love feels like

I had to try to figure out what love feels like,  what it really is. I have it for my kids, some for my family even though they aren’t a part of my life any longer. But for the first time in my life, a man! I cared about people in the past , but never had this feeling about any of them , that no matter what ,I want you in my life. 

Recently, I had been more unhappy , but only with myself, my actions. I had made my mind up that I felt i might need to leave our relationship, all because things got tough over a situation from His past. It’s not really what I wanted. I should have just gone to Him to talk it out. Plus I forget, that as much as I hate drama, now I was causing some. I was  so unhappy with myself. 

I had let Him know that if the situation didn’t go my way, I would need to go on my way. That’s not what I wanted to do either. The people around me kept telling me I was doing the wrong thing. I think I knew they were right, but refused to acknowledge it. Then I was making Him miserable over things He had no control of. I didn’t look at things from His point of view. How does a dominant deal with a situation they have no control over, I don’t know, I never asked. I was so focused on my own point of view, my own feelings, my anger.

I had to think hard about how to get happy again. All I could think of was ,apologize to Him, and accept I had no control over the situation but only myself.  I truly have a slave heart, I hardly ever put myself on ‘ The List’. But how do I survive something that feels like it’s killing me? I don’t know, so  I thought, ” if the situation won’t change, I felt I had the right to think about leaving our relationship”. That became my only thought. I knew it would hurt Him, I knew it would kill me. But I didn’t see any other choices, nor did I talk to Him. I was so wrong. There are two people in this relationship, He deals with my crap. But He also has to trust that He’s as important to me, as I am to Him. How is He to do that when I’ve let Him know I wanted out if this situation gets to be to much for me.

I needed time to reflect, and I did that recently. If I wasn’t  leaving over some stupid crap then how could I deal with  it? At first, i felt sad that I could hurt the people I love so much. My kids have come to love and respect Him. I’ve bonded with His daughter, and how could I be without Him?? Was this situation so bad that it was worth so much damage. Could I ever apologize to all these people in my life over something that felt was so damn important?I knew I had to apologize to Him. I finally got the strength to say the words. Did I expect Him to be happy with me? Not really. I’m reminding Him that I almost hurt Him over my irritation. 

After lots of reflection of our situation, I finally found answers I was looking for, they were in me the whole time, who knew…I couldn’t leave, I’m a strong woman, and it’s not like my own life is without drama. Plus it’s not drama He caused. It’s that He’s stuck, but He has said He’s working on it, I trust that He is. but this situation is not fun to be stuck in. He keeps saying we have a future,  like the sound of that, it’s great, but it won’t happen if I can’t deal with this situation.

The time I’ve spent on my own over the past few weeks, just wondering how to make things right with Him. I decided I should let Him know I was truly sorry for any unkind words, for letting this situation drive me up a wall, for even saying I might need to leave , that’s not what I want at all.

I processed the situation all by myself. I thought about what parts hurt me, made me angry, and was honest with myself about “what was my real problem”, this was not easy, but for the first time I released all my anger. I saw His side, if I thought I had it bad , He had to deal with situation everyday, no matter what. I admired Him for that. He has such patience, doesn’t let this situation get to Him so much. I knew I had to let Him know that I love Him, and how could I mean that if I thought it was ok to leave and hurt Him. I couldn’t. I had to make sure He knows I can’t go. This situation after processing wasn’t difficult as I had made it out to be. I came to the point of no matter what, this situation will be around for a long time, if I couldn’t deal with it now, how would I get stronger later. I needed to be strong now. It was my decision. 

I’m sure this subject wasn’t fun for Him. But I really am sorry for what I said. How I got to caught up in my anger to see the other persons side.

As we spent our anniversary together last night, it was a beautiful night together. Wish we could do that more often. As I looked at the man in front of me I realized I want more with Him, for real. Running away when things get complicated is not what I want. When I thought about our situation I am much calmer than I have ever been. I accepted that nothing is ever perfect. I feel really good now. I processed my anger.Even others have noticed! Saying you seem better about all this. I love that ppl notice.  I am owning the bad stuff too, I hurt Him. I don’t like that, the past few weeks have been good for me. I’m seeing things differently. I’m seeing His side of things. I’m trying to be understanding that He can’t control the world, He only controls me. He’s a very patient man. He’s a good man. He loves me! I hope He knows how important He is to me, that it was super important to me that I accept His life ( good and bad), as He has accepted mine. 

Now you know what love feels like, it’s doing the right thing no matter how hard, like apologizing to Daddy.

I love you Daddy, I hope you know that

Hold onto me

Our story begins like any other, boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, they talk, they text, send naked selfies,  they get it on! From the moment we met I knew something was different about this man. I just didn’t know exactly what, but trust me I was gonna find out! Two yrs later , I’m still surprised, of course happy.  He makes me feel special. My life will never be the same. He’s one of those ‘ once in a lifetime’ kind of men.

I can say, I’m still excited to be here in this relationship with Him. We have gotten much closer, we have formed bonds with all the kids. I’d say things came together very nicely. I get my romantic Daddy. The Master I serve. My badass biker. Could life be any better? 

I know I go slow. My friends, the ones who have remained in my life, have reminded me how slow I go! But then what was the rush. I want it to be right. We both still arrived at the point where we are now. I’m glad I took my time. The ‘what ifs’ aren’t so many. We have built that trust, and communication slowly. I am so happy about that. I needed to know that when life happens we won’t crumble like a piece of paper. That we work together. That He talks to me and listens. He waits for me to process, so I can find the words to express how I’m feeling. I notice at times it might not be a subject He wants to talk about, or He maybe temporarily pissed with me for how I said something, but He’s not pushed me away, not left me. He will talk, even about the tough stuff. He will be honest with me even if it’s hard for me to take. He used to want to sugar coat things, but I showed Him I don’t need that, I know He cares about me. 

We’ve been through plenty of tough things together, and have come out stronger, that to me is a true testament to how much we belong together. I’m glad we have had the time to get to know one another so well. If not, who knows how this would have gone. But He did the same for me. He had thanked me for that too, He was used to rushing into prior relationships​, only for them to end quickly. 

Two years! That’s a new one for me! He’s been reminding me that there are future plans. That definitely sounds like something I want. I like the idea of waking up to Him each morning. I like idea of being together under the same roof. I won’t lie, I’m rather happy and nervous at the same time about these future plans. Will we be able to live together? Or will our daily quirks be to much for either one of us to survive this relationship. Ok, I may be thinking to much about all things that could go wrong, but that’s what I’m like, that’s what I do. 

There is still one obstacle for us to get through. This one could push us together to be even stronger or really pull us apart. I’m prepared for either way it could go. My mind is set to ‘ I’m doing my best to stay here and be strong’. The other part of me sees the obstacle as something immovable, and I worry that all we’ve built will gone soon. This is starting to hurt more and more, when I think of everything we have gotten through together, that this one last thing could be our breaking point, for which we may be changed forever. Self preservation. I know what I want, but neither of us can foresee the outcome, so we are struggling against each other, while holding on tight. I want to scream to the universe, ‘ how dare you test the strength of our relationship,what we’ve built’. But then part of me is curious as to how this will go. As I look at Him, I see He’s trying His very best as well, there’s no one to blame. Hardest part for me is if this goes badly at this eleventh hour feeling, we’ve made plans. We’ve bonded with all the kids. We act like a family, which is everything we have both wanted. He knows me better than anyone. I can read Him like a book as well. I love taking care of Him. Will we still be standing here, hand in hand. Or will it be over… My heart aches, as I know the answer will come soon enough, I just want to know which way it will go.

So, goes without saying, our anniversary is sort of bittersweet. I’m so happy with how things are. But my mind reminds me this could be the last time for anything… 

Time will tell… 

In the meantime, we are still very much together. I’m so thankful that I’m here with Him. Our lives have gotten busier, crazier. But we have rolled with all these punches! There are moments when I need Him, a strong connection. He stops Everything, He’s right there. He’s right fucking there. Holding me, tickling me, talking to me, kissing me, making love to me. I don’t ever want to let go of Him. I can’t imagine my life without Him. I love those texts that tell me everything! It will come across my phone, ” why am I here in this meeting?” ” Missing you” ” I’m horny” ” I love you” ” I need a threesome”. I’m as close to Him as He is to me. It’s a beautiful place to be. He IS my best friend. Am I His to? Lol

When I say He’s my everything, I mean it. He just fits into my life so well, into every little nook and cranny in my soul. He and His love are coursing through my veins. Now maybe you can imagine my pain at the thought of this possibly ending soon, or even at all. 

I had a difficult time writing. I can hardly write at all. My thoughts are way to jumbled. My soul is not at rest. My heart is weeping as my emotions are so unsettled. My blood pressure is thru the roof. How does one prepare yourself for something you don’t want to happen. How will we survive, will we.

As I will be happy for these 2 years with my King, my Master, my Daddy, the love of my life, my best friend, my confidant, fuck He’s my everything. I need Him. I want Him. I love taking care of Him as He does me. Feeling His head on my chest at times, breathing life back into Him. Preparing Him to face the world again when it’s kicked His ass. He’s beautiful to me, because it’s His soul that I see. He’s given me every part of Himself, and i gave that to Him, as He gave to me. I’m trying to hold on, only my grip isn’t as tight anymore, I can tell. Life has a funny way of giving you everything you had ever wanted, needed, desired, only to feel that in one breathe it can be gone, as fast as the blink of an eye. 

Hold onto me my love, I’m alittle unsteady at the moment. I’d ask for help, but you can’t give it. I’m hoping its all a bad dream and I’ll wake soon. Nothing is wrong, nothing will change, nothing in our way. Could it be, that just once, maybe, I get everything I ever wanted and more…  Time will tell…

Ready,set, fall in love

From the moment we met, we had this amazing connection, an unspeakable bond. This was something new, unlike anyone before we were together. It was hard to put into words, yet it was almost like we needed each other to be able to breathe. 

From the start we seemed oddly familiar together, yet at the same learning about one another. Isn’t that what they refer to as your ‘ soulmate’. Who found who? Was the search over? I heard this old Chinese proverb about finding your soulmate, how you spend your life looking for that one person. But when it’s the right person, you’re soul seems settled. I could identify with that.

This magnetic pull that doesn’t let up. Drawn to one another in person, in text, even on the phone. When together the mind races over all the hot and steamy ideas of what could happen, what we want to happen. We wonder how long this could last. Isn’t it just infatuation… But the more time passes, the feeling gets stronger for us both. The thought being either this is the person I exactly need in my life, or you’re the one my mother warned me about.

Sex drive, passion, impure thoughts… But even in normal moments it’s still there, moments of no sex, just being together. Could we do it? We have, Many times! We needed to know it wasn’t lust. But a real love we felt for each other. 

There’s no way to pinpoint where it started, it’s like it was just there. I think for both of us it was hard to accept, because it just felt so easy, to easy. I knew it was never like that before, not with anyone.

As we are getting closer to the two year mark, I’m just so excited. To care about someone so much, day after day, my mind asks, ” will that ever stop, hope not”. 

I asked my kids, “did you ever think I’d find exactly who I wanted in this life?” They knew I was planning my life alone, I was settled with that thought. I really never saw him coming, blindsided. Now that He’s such a big part of my life, He’s ruined me for all other men. There is no one like Him, and never will be again. He’s that ‘once in a lifetime’ kind of person.

He’s changed my life, in so many ways. I finally trust a man again. I love again. I can be me around Him. He is the first Dom to ever, I mean ever, ask for my opinions on things in our lives. He worries about me, encourages me, gets mad at me but doesn’t stop loving me or pushes me away. He talks with me, not to me except when it’s something important going on ( with His business or His club there’s a certain way I need to be to please Him) which I completely understand. I do listen, I never embarrass Him. I know when I can stay near Him, when to walk away but stay in sight. I have passed each and every test He’s thrown at me! I had no idea testing was going on, but He said He’s been pleased that I’ve passed all! No woman had passed certain tests before. I must say I’ve never even been tempted to do things behind His back, to snoop or hurt the trust He’s placed in me. Granted I don’t test Him, I just trust He won’t harm me in any way shape or form. He saw the damage path before Him when we started, so I think He gets that the hurt was there, but I love this man so much that if He did hurt/betray me it would kill me. If He decided to go I’d not ever be whole again. There’s no way to go back to being just me, not now that I’ve had my soulmate in my life. I would just exist.

What I want is for us to be together for as long as we get on this Earth. I’m hoping for 50 years or more! But He’s really the last man who will ever be in my life. There is none after Him should He just go or die. I could never make more room in my heart, He took the whole thing! Only room enough for Him and the kids! But who’s complaining, not me. 
There’s so much I could tell about Him: how He saves things from our dates so He remembers. He will just surprise me! He makes me feel special. He even cares about my kids, and has a unique relationship with each one. Yes touched all our lives, we won’t ever be able to look over our lives and deny His handiwork in each of us, we’d be lying. 

My kids are all sure that this is the man for me, not that I needed their approval, but it’s nice to see that they care about Him, like He cares about all of us. 

He keeps saying, when we live together… When you move in… So, I think it’s safe to say there are future plans! I’m so happy there is, I’m nervous too. I haven’t lived with anyone since divorce,kids don’t count, neither do roommates. I have this feeling that He’s ready for the next step, and getting me ready to, that’s what He does with me, He has every step of the way. 

Where do I see myself in 2 years, 5 years? By His side, happy, living life together! Life is good! 

Hes my everything!

As He left Friday to go out of town on business, I didn’t expect Him back til late Sunday night, early Monday. I knew He’d be back for work, He doesn’t miss that. Well, He did for me one day! But I know His work ethics. We work hard, then we play harder! 

I was at home Friday night,missing Him. Hoping He would get to His destination as safe as possible, He’s my everything! We texted alittle Saturday morning. I knew He’d be busy, I keep texts to a minimum when He’s busy. I know my rules, how our life goes. If I’m really stuck or just have to show Him something I text,. I know He’ll answer when He can. 

As His slave, my life is not easy. I never asked for easy. I asked for His love, which He gives so much of. I ask for His attention which He does. I ask for Him to use me He does! He’s so busy so I know none of the things I really want from Him are easy. He makes it look that way though. I’m so grateful I’m the one He picked! I love Him so much

I get home from work our daughter is passed out, long day! But one of the older kids needs to go to work soon. There’s a knock on the door. We aren’t expecting anyone, so we approach with caution. I finally open the door. “Daddy!!” ” You’re home early Sir? Everything OK?”

” Everything is fine babygirl, meeting got done quicker than I thought. No reason to stay out of town, I needed my babygirl” 

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realize no one has ever loved me like this, and no one will ever love me more than He does. I’m in awe of Him the rest of the evening. I was sort of quiet, but I knew I needed to serve Him. Be in position before Him, to show Him honor! He’s my everything! 

As the night went on, we spent time with most of our kids, our grandkids too. We aren’t old enough for those, the oldest child is still in trouble for that,lol. Lots of fun, lots of laughter. Exactly everything I have always wanted. There’s a few more things I’d like in my life, but it’s pretty close to perfect!

I got lots of Daddy’s attention! My ass is sore😥. I woke to Daddy next to me! Best thing in the world, not sure if I will ever get used to that. But I’m looking forward to doing that everyday. 

Can life really be this good, can you really get everything you want? It’s never happened to me before, but I guess that’s what makes it so special! 

To care or not to care, it’s all up to you

Recently, listening to a few friends about their relationships,they want my advice. Me? I am divorced, I dated some assholes, but Daddy was a complete surprise! I got it right this time, and I don’t know how, I’m just thankful each and every day. 

I’m listening to these two go on and on. For the life in me I don’t like hearing the negative, go figure.lol.  I like things that are positive, uplifting. Neither can tell me why they chose the person in their lives. But they want me to be judge/jury of the male in their lives. In all fairness, I can’t help I’ve never met either man. How do I know they really did anything wrong? How do I know these females are just being female? Maybe their time of the month? Maybe they forget their place( both in the lifestyle) 

I try to reiterate to both I’m not a therapist, I’m not qualified to give advice. I’ll listen but that’s it, they must form their own thoughts and opinions in their lives. Look at me, I stayed to long with an abusive ex, my REAL friends couldn’t make up my mind for me, but they all congratulated me on getting out, ALIVE. I have scars, fears, but I got out! These two aren’t being abused, I see the biggest problem is no communication. That’s a relationship killer, even with our lifestyle.

I could only tell them both how I do my own relationship, how I think/ feel. Then I sent them off to their lives to hopefully really think.

I told them both I’m a Libra, we are very caring, supportive, need balance, need the other person to be fair, and we will be fair, Libras are not self centered, I’m a giver, I need love but will show immense love. But there’s the other side to me. 

The dark side. I’m emotional, I have never been jealous in my life but with Daddy I’m crazy, off the charts jealous. My kids and my friends who have known me a long time laugh and let me know it’s cute, I don’t feel cute. But I know me, once I stop caring , arguing, expressing my ideas, thoughts,opinions, I cut communication I’m pretty much done. It usually means I know there’s an expiration date. With both women I could only share who I am, how I deal with things. 

Even as they both read this blog, you know who you are! I still have no opinion. I do see your sides, but there should be balance, the men in your life should hear how you feel. And I hope you listen to them as well. You fell in love for some reason so dig deep. If there is no abuse then find out how to work on things. I do hope you find a good way to communicate instead of blame. 

Both asked me how I deal with my emotions when I’m upset. I do try to go to my Daddy as soon as I can, but I am great at stuffing things and not dealing with it, Daddy hates that. I do try to talk to Him like in a regular conversation, the past taught me that screaming and tears are not good for females when you want to be listened to. Yes, there are times when I forget my place as His slave and I’m not nice , He does get that back in His control quickly. He still listens, but no amount of me being nice at that moment  will stop the inevitable. Even in the lifestyle I’m human, Daddy knows this. Sometimes we all get angry, argumentative, not so fun to be around. Thank goodness it’s only moments. 

I’m not sure I answered any questions. But I let you know me. How I think. How I feel. How I try to handle things in my own life, and when I know it’s time to walk away, or time to work shit out. You must be OK with yourself as a person to know you made the best decision whether you stay or go. And no one, not even me can do that for you. I see both situations and I promise you this I can tell which one should stay and work it out, and which one should call it a day. Now it’s up to you both to figure it out for yourselves. I do care about you both and I see that you will both make the right decision. It’s not easy to do what’s right in life sometimes, or to become a single parent. I’m here for that too. I’ve been doing it for quite a while. I make it look easy as someone told me,lol. It’s not, but it can be done. 

Just don’t replace one man with a different man. I will voice my opinions on that. If anyone leaves, then learn who you are as a person. Learn to like yourself as you are, make changes as needed before you add someone into your or your kids lives. Learn to just be you! Once you do that, and you accept yourself you are ready to move on. 

Good luck with the big decisions, all the talks that need to take place. Remember, I’m always up for listening! It’s up to you both to figure out if you still care, or you don’t care anymore.