As my mind wanders

The drive was a long one, but worth it. I found something for Daddy’s birthday and I really wanted it! The store near me didn’t have it, so they gave me the closest store, it was far, but I know I’m going! Took the boys with me! girls were doing other things, Daddy was busy, so off we go…

As we drive thru a part of the next town, we were in the area of 4 homes we had lived in. My mind started going fast like a movie, it was scenes in each home and how violent our lives were back then. It was my ex, the monster. He hides it so well from the world, but underneath he’s really a big piece of shit, as far as human beings go. No one who meets him thinks he’s capable of all he put us through, but we aren’t crazy, and we did survive.

The fighting, yelling, hitting, bruises, screaming, and tears. How each of us suffered ( me and 3 kids). We were lost, and never thought it would stop. But I didn’t know the memories were still there, not all of them. Plenty were blocked. My boys started remembering how bad our lives had been. If you ever believed in zombies, well that was the four of us once separation set in. I will never know how I got out, I just knew I needed out. I’m still alive!

None of us had any idea how to do this life, figure out this world. I was the leader, so it felt up to me to make the first move. 

* Side note* when you are trying to get free from a sociopath narcissist nothing is easy, after 8 years we all still have some fear of his wrath. We know what he’s capable of, you have no idea.

Today is a new and wonderful time in our lives. We made it out of hell. Well most of us, three of us to be exact. One is still stuck by a parenting plan, but plz sweet girl hang on, I’m trying to save you. I really am. I need some hope, so does she.

The only hope we have really have, has been since my Daddy started taking over my life. I was this shell of a person, He showed me things I’ve never seen before. He treats me as I’ve never been treated before. I’m always grateful that even if we disagree He still loves me, He doesn’t hurt me mentally, emotionally, physically.He wants me to be fine. But I don’t think He has any idea how days like today make me happy that He’s here for me and the kids. We aren’t scared. Well a little maybe, but my ex is to scared himself to hurt anyone of us, since Daddy is the first man that ever wanted to stay. I feel protected,safe. We all have someone to go to now, cops never did a good damned thing to save any of us, neither did the courts.

I remember the first time Daddy stayed the night, actually for the first so many months I wouldn’t sleep much. I was so afraid He might try to kill me in my sleep, as my ex had tried so many times. I learned to not sleep, so I could stay alive. Now I sleep better when Daddy is in bed next to me, it’s the best sleep I’ve ever had! Thank you Daddy! You will never know what this means to me, that I can trust you so deeply. No one ever spent the night in my bed before, because of fear. They weren’t allowed in my home, cuz of fear. No guy near my kids , again cuz of fear. 

We were very fucked up, maybe we still are to some degree. Once Daddy arrived, I think He saw the damage, but I don’t think even now He fully gets the extent of the violence, maybe He does. I’m thankful that He doesn’t want to talk about it. He knows some, enough to know we are thankful He is in our lives. Weird thing is, we had cried to Him ” please don’t let the asshole hurt us”. I’m not sure what this does to Him when He hears our pleas. 

How does He feel about our pleas? Does He feel keeping us safe could get dangerous? How does He process all the violence we have all been thru? Does He even realize how much we owe Him for the safe feeling we have now? 

This family finally feels complete. We have a protector in our lives. If you’ve never been thru abusive hell than you won’t understand that kind of joy. 

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Evolution of a relationship

We met online, a dating site. It sounds so cliche, but that’s how it really happened.

We got to know each other first, before we started dating, but it didn’t take long to know we felt something different

This wild boy from Cali, and this sweet girl from Jersey just fit perfectly together!

Soon spending time together, learning about each other, likes/dislikes. Hoping we both felt this magic that happens between us!

From the start we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. In two years we’ve had one night of sex that didn’t wake the neighbors, sound like He was killing me! We have an incredible sex life, keeps getting better! So does all aspects of our relationship.

He’s my everything!

Even things I didn’t know I wanted, or craved. How could I not fall in love with this man.

Romantic times together

Watching TV together

On our phones together

Even when we have fights or disagreements, which I’m glad we do, we can tell how well we still love each other, and we don’t stay mad, don’t try to hurt each other. We say it, deal with it, move on. 

He is my King! How He’s changed my life, my children’s lives, He most definitely deserved an upgrade! He’s the most wonderful man in the world! I would shout that from any mountain top. 

Love it when we cook together! Damn, He can cook!! Is there anything He can’t do! Haven’t seen it yet, He’s my hero! He’s just there when you need Him, me/kids/family/friends/His club/strangers

One of His favorite toys! My ass!

We have this wonderful blended family coming together very nicely. There is one us that I hope gets to be a part of our lives in the future,(R). 

Thats us!! Five kids!! Daddy and me!! And a grandson!

One day soon put our stuff together!

Let’s!!!

Daddy, you are my life! You’re everything I want, could wish or hope for. Our life is crazy but I doubt we care, it’s our kind of perfect ❤️ love you Daddy!

Love, babygirl 

Love me, feed me, never leave me!

Thinking about life, about me.

It hit me recently, I should be asking myself the hard questions. We aren’t getting any younger, no one gets out of here alive. 

With that statement being said, it hits me that everyone on the face of the earth gets one shot at life, so how are you spending it? Well, hopefully you’re happy. I thought about each and every area of my life and I realize some areas I’m happy, some not so much. I figure I should be coming up with a plan to change some things , so I can try to be happy in more areas of my life. Hoping for all areas, I’d rather not live with regret. 

Also, there is a list of things I’d like to do, try. With my list of friends that got shorter and shorter, to non-existent. I looked at myself carefully, realized I may need to figure how to knock out my list alone, or start finding some new friends. Where does one go to find new friends… Question of the day. So, alone it is. It’s a good thing I like myself, don’t mind being alone. With my male bff going out of state for his job soon, that’s gonna be tough. No girlfriends to hang out with, get into trouble with.  I’m slowly becoming very boring. I love my Daddy, but He’s most definitely not one of my girlfriend’s, plus He has His own set of friends when we aren’t together. And I’m definitely not going to ask Him to change His life so I’m not alone so much. I don’t depend on Him for MY happiness. 

I know me, doing everything alone right now, is making me a little less happy. This is when the past dictates my path, I like to curl up at the bottom of a bottle or two. When my mouth waters from the sheer thought of drinking, bad things are ahead. The craving has started…

I’m a Libra, we need balance, we love being around people, but then we also need our time alone. To much time alone, we will push everyone away, even those we love most. Libras can be compared to cats, literally! We like love and attention, but afterwards I’m gonna need to find a place to curl up and relax from everyone/ everything. I need alittle food, some hot sex with Daddy. And start process all over again!

Funny thing, I just don’t choose to tell anyone how much I’m suffering from this. How I wish I could change it, but don’t know how this moment. I keep hearing these questions go thru my mind: am I really that unlovable? Do I really want to drink again? When I get bored , yes. This girl needs some fun, craves it with others. 

My new plan, wait til kids are busy and go on my way and have fun, do the things on my list, just by myself. I like me! I plan on having lots of fun, who knows, maybe I’ll make some friends…

This babygirl is a little down at the moment. I haven’t felt like talking, or sharing. But I did wonder how many others go thru this? Or am I really alone?
My list:

Road trip to Vegas

Road trip to Cali

Museums!

See some dinosaurs, not alive ones,lol

Indoor skydiving

This new fun thing- escape rooms

Laser tag

Bowling

Back into photography

Editing my photography

Read some books

Cook more

Bake again

Shooting

Movies

Zoo

There’s more, my list grows each time I get excited about something, since I’m a babygirl, that happens about every 2.2 seconds!

Slave alone, no more, I have the will

I know He’s told me a million times, I needed them all.Hopefully He will know how He saved me from myself. 

Right now I’m going thru a very tough time in my personal life. I was going thru something not much different when He found me in 2014. I was to afraid to let Him in at that time. I thought He’d run if He saw me fall apart. Once He came into my life the second time I gave Him my submission, I was hooked. I needed Him on so many levels, I refused to admit it to myself. I had been let down so many times before. I’ve been alone for most of life. How was I to really know that this time would change my life. Change me as a slave, as a person. I kept half expecting Him to be tired of me and just leave me behind. I’m used to that, I don’t like it, just used to it. I’ve wondered if I’d ever find that true love that helps me navigate thru life, encourage me, be excited when I’m winning, knows when it’s to much to keep going and stays by my side. I know I don’t have all the answers, but we are getting thru this together. My hard work is paying off. He has watched me, I can kick my own ass in gear, which I think He’s happy about. He knows I don’t stay down long. I know that no one is going to bail me out, just me. I must find the strength,even when I’m scared to death. I try to never let my fear show. I am being completely honest with Him about that fear. I waited to see if He’d tease me, tear me down. He never did. He added to my strength! Gave me more! He would ask how I’m doing. I was talking! That’s new for me, I do like to bottle my emotions/feelings,but not right now. I know finding myself at the bottom of a bottle is what can happen. I haven’t touched any, I don’t even feel thirsty. Once I talk to Him I’m balanced again. 

I’m in thought this last week. He reads me so well. Almost as if He knows what I’m thinking. When life has kicked my ass, He lets me talk to say the words, the way He looks at me like He understands me. He makes me laugh it off. He makes me think. Somehow He knows I have the will to be stronger, to be more complete, to reach deep inside to be me the slave He can see in me. I think I really needed my life to fall apart to show me. Show what? The true measure of the man! I honestly needed to know how strong He is. I needed to see what a real man is like when He can’t have control over things that just happen in life. Surprisingly He still keeps going, which kept me going. He is EVERYTHING I’ve been waiting for! 

I think of the ways He’s changed me. I didn’t even notice to be honest. But when something happened recently,beyond our control, I had a few friends with opinions that didn’t match mine. It was either listen to their bullshit or take a stand. So, I did what no one expected, I took a stand. I’m less two more friends. That part hurt,but how much can I take? If they don’t believe in me, how shall I believe in them. Plus I don’t remember getting deeply involved in their lives, like they do mine. The old adage of “treat others how you want to be treated” doesn’t seem to apply to some people in my life. Before you think I don’t have the balls to leave you behind, think again. I hate doing it, I’ve lost more ppl than I’ve kept. For me that’s hurtful, I try not to give up on others. Especially over something so petty, but I’ve asked you to give me a break, and you hand me more drama and try to takeover my life. I can’t let that happen. 

So, I’ve had an excellent time. Of course I know my life is still not where I need it to be. But for once I’m not worried if Daddy and I can get thru everything life will throw at us. That means more to me than all the jobs,money, luxury in the world. When one of us is down, we are down together. One of us will have the strength to pick the other back up to keep going. When one of us succeeds, we succeed together! I’m so loving my life! I really have waited for this to be how my life goes. I know all things will work out, I’m not out of answers. I will find the job! And He is right there cheering me on! How many can say that? I never could before. 

I do wonder if He’s feeling the same. Does He get that I’m there for Him as well. He can tell me anything, I won’t judge Him. I’m His safe place in this world. I’ll be there ,standing , when life has kicked His ass too. Pick Him up and not let anything hurt Him. I may not have His strength, but heaven help the person who tries to harm Him. Bitch mode: activated.  It has recently. But I’m not afraid, I see us getting thru anything together. 

It’s hard to believe that I get everything I’ve waited for ,for so long. It really is like a dream. I never knew it could really happen. I knew we seemed perfect together. But secretly I’ve been waiting for big things to sort of ‘test’ us. I truly wanted to see He and I pull together or pull apart. I needed to know. Is that wrong? It doesn’t feel wrong. I had no idea we would be tested. But I don’t feel sorry for myself. He does remind me that things always work out. And He’s right! 

I can be patient for a bit longer, I hate not waking up to Him each morning. I long for Him to be the first person I see when my eyes open each new day. I miss Him like crazy, I miss His laugh, I miss the sound of His voice, I miss His touch. I’m glad I don’t get complacent, I never expect anything, so all He does surprises me, I feel thankful each day that He’s in my life. I think back to how much I loved Him in those first few months, it’s nothing like it is now. How did I get so lucky?!

Questions that can’t be answered. So I’ll just stay thankful and serve Him always. Live my happy life by His side. I can’t think of anything better! This slave will never be alone. That is music to my ears, makes me heart happy, my soul wants to dance. 

His babygirl❤

Problems? We ain’t got no stinkin problems.

Today is about problems within your bdsm relationship and how we deal with them. My girlfriend’s each have a different area of their lives that is challenging right now. That’s reality. Even those crazy vanilla people have problems to. But within bdsm we are supposed to be more connected, deepen our communication, make the Dom, or sub more important so we can avoid problems.

Funny thing, no matter what, life hands you lemons. It’s what you do with them that counts. OK, so vetting is one thing, and in bdsm we definitely encourage it. Take the time to see if this is the person for you. Can you be in charge of this sub/slave? Can you submit to this Dom? These are great questions, but many only see the sex side, and forget that a real relationship is forming. Put sex aside, if you can’t ,at least in your mind so you can be real with yourself. Do you really belong with this person? My true thoughts here : is that you will need 3-6months to truly answer that question. No one can hide their true self forever, and don’t lie to yourself. Some of you knew it was wrong from the start(anyone can tell, you’re in denial). 

I know in the wonderful world of bdsm, it’s damn hard to wait for “the one”. But I’m gonna say it! Yep, it’s so worth it! My Daddy is “the one”. A bit of advice, you CAN find ‘ the one’ , and still fuck it up. So take your time. If you’re planning long term, then taking your time just makes sense. I’ve trained subs/slaves for a long time. The hardest part was telling them everything I’m writing here, to have it fall on deaf ears. They would be collared in weeks, maybe a month. Yes, I have a problem with that. It’s the equivalent to an engagement ring, would you get engaged after weeks with someone, I’m hoping the answer is no. These same women come crying to me pretty fast, that it didn’t work out and I trained them wrong. Nope, I’m not responsible for your victim shit.

What went wrong so fast? Well, do you really know each other. Did you accept that person and all their baggage? If you want any relationship, you must realize we ALL have baggage. Unless your Dom/sub has been on a deserted island for many years , highly unlikely, then we all come with baggage. For the relationship to work, you must be comfortable enough to unpack that baggage, and both sort it all out. First, get past the honeymoon phase, usually 3-6 months. If you can get to that point and you still respect each other, the passion is alive and burning, you have a chance.

This is no ordinary relationship. If you have or are a Dom, you’re in charge of this crazy train. Hopefully you’ve weighed it all and feel you want the sub before you, her baggage too. As his/her Dom you will require him/her unpack and start moving on from the past. Set her up to be the best she can be. The Dom sets the tone , rules, structure, boundaries within this relationship. So it’s up to the Dom to present to you have He/She wants the relationship. Yeah subbies, you might get many choices, or any at all.  If He is kind ,He will want to know your thoughts on how you feel. He still has final say. My own Daddy will ask for my real thoughts, so if I’m questioning anything, confused, or feel I’m not wanting something in my life well ,we talk. I usually ask for time to think, He has granted that each time, He knows I’m a thinker. He knows when I’m ready I will ask to talk soon. I always know He is listening to me. I also know His word is final say. If at any point I can no longer serve Him, I’m free to walk away, but He would rather I communicate first. Since I suck at communication I do try my best to respectfully say what I need to say, in hopes that He’s listening and can guide me if I’m not correct in how I see things,Which is my turn to listen. We aren’t perfect, but we’ve come a long way!

As the sub, remember you serve. Can you serve on your good days and bad days too. There is no difference to the Dom in your life. He will want to know why you’re not yourself, Dom/sub, we are all human, but you still serve Him. I can only think of a few times you’d be excused from serving, at least for a bit. 

1. You died, jk. A family/friend died

2. You had a baby

3. You’re sick as a dog

4. There could be a few more, but nothing comes to mind.

Can a sub really deal with serving even when it feels the world is against you. Because that’s what you’re signing up for. I get to hear subs complain, “He treats me like I’m His indentured servant”. My first thought , ‘ I’m not surprised’, but you are,why? We made it clear what a submissive is/does. If you romanticized it, or thought it wasn’t really like that, who’s problem is that?

In the lifestyle, we have vanilla times/ moments. But we are still fully lifestyle. Even after my surgery, my Master wanted to know how I was doing, when would I be myself again. Was He being selfish,No,I am His. We are not vanilla, although while I healed we had some vanilla moments. His actions before/ after surgery showed me how much He loves me, His property. And I was focused on getting better quickly, I love to serve, it gives me purpose. I am happy when I can do for Him. He can count on me. Are we perfect, not by a long shot, but we are very good together, we balance each other very well. And after all this time together, that’s promising. We couldn’t fake it this long, OK a complete psycho could, but we are normal kinky ppl.

When I hear issues from friends, my first thought is, ‘ go talk to your dominant’. I do listen, but I will want you to do the work that our lifestyle requires. ‘ is this the real problem?’ , ‘ is there something underlying going on instead?’ ‘what is your struggle really about?’. I don’t like excuses, I like working on it. I like to think first, especially in my own life. I ask myself if this is why I’m really upset. Think it through. 

I do like the concept of living together first before anything to permanent. Do you really belong together? Where do squeeze the toothpaste from? Do you talk or fight? Can you clean up after your dominant day after day? ( Even after a hard day at work). How will you balance Dom/work/kids? ( Or is calgon just gonna take you away each night). It’s hard to get upset with your dominant when you signed up for this life. You knew what you were getting into, now you’re trying to act like a victim. Nope. Can you imagine if you got married to quickly? You would have to stick it out, or go get divorced, but there were answers right before your eyes, you ignored them. 

I guess you lied to yourself. You lied to your SO. You don’t have follow thru, or you watched 50 shades. Sorry subbies not every Dom is a millionaire, or gonna let you call the shots. You really will be serving Him, cleaning/dusting/vacuuming/ doing laundry/dishes/cooking/ entertaining/ raising kids , in His castle. 

In our lifestyle it’s not up for debate, it’s not a democracy, it’s the Dom’s way or no way. Now hopefully you took your time and got the right Dom for you. Not a fake or phony. Someone looking for a victim, or  He’s an abuser. This is your life, plan it well. Keep in mind, we all have our way of doing things, we all have problems. In the lifestyle we should be working on those problems, and any that come up in the relationship. How you communicate and work things out, should tell you a lot. Will you and your dominant last a long time? I hope you can honestly say yes. 

Problems will show up from time to time. It’s how you and your dominant tackle them together that counts. Just keep in mind, no one is perfect. But two ppl who want the same things, grow together, listen, and find their balance in our lifestyle have a great chance at succeeding. 

Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah ( Starts tonight!).

– His babygirl

Rings, rings, and more rings!

I decided to go look at rings. They are so pretty, there is so much to choose from, wow! Colored diamonds, colorless diamonds, to different shapes and sizes. I honestly wish Him luck when picking cuz I am indecisive and if I was picking a ring, that person would be upset with the fact that I could not narrow it down,lol.

I guess I’m excited,  I’m trying to stay neutral. I don’t want Him to think I expect this.  I also don’t think He should go broke over a ring, wedding,etc… these are just things. I never had an engagement ring before, so this would definitely be the first time. I don’t care if He was to get it from a pawn shop, bubble gum machine. I just want Him to pick what His heart tells Him. I will show pics of the pretty things I was looking at, but again, I don’t know how important is a ring. 

I truly feel the bigger deal here: marriage. The rest of the stuff is just that, stuff. But for marriage, it will be the rest of our lives. Are we meant to be, He’s completely sure? Does He feel , beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am definitely the ‘One’? I want Him to be honest with Himself, and with me. I refuse to let either of us waste our lives. Yes I love Him that much! We both deserve to be happy, very happy.  We both did the opposite of that with our first marriages. I don’t think either of us wants a repeat.  This part is way more important to me than all the diamonds in the world. To be with someone who truly loves me, unconditionally. Wants only good for me. Would never think of harming me. Keeps me safe, yet wants me to experience the world! Always be by my side, thru thick and thin. Won’t cheat on me as I have had this done to me numerous times, i couldn’t handle it again. 

Everything i desire doesn’t have a pretty bow on it, no sparkle. It’s what we bring to each other.  I know I could make Him happy, happier than He’s ever been, but I want Him to really know exactly what He wants. If it wouldn’t be me, I could live with that. I would rather He be happy in His life than be stuck. I love Him so much I don’t want Him to ever feel like He must ask me a question unless He feels that it’s right with everything in Him.  But I can say I like my traditional Daddy! 

So what changed in me that I’m now on board. Well, my oldest son looked at me and said, “You know if He keeps feeling like you are rejecting what He sees for the future, He may think you not really in love with Him and just leave one day”. My sons’ words hit me hard, “But I do love Him”, I said with tears in my eyes. ” Then stop pushing His ideas away of what He wants for the future with you. We ,as men, will only try for so long and then if we keep feeling rejected we will quietly go”. ” I don’t want Him to go, I want Him, I just don’t need all this stuff. Marriage, wedding, ring… I just need Him” I say. “Well mom, I love you, but this man is trying to say something but you aren’t listening.  He’s trying to show you something ,but you won’t see iloves you, He wants to do this with you, not to you. Do you really hate marriage that much?” I took a few mins before I spoke again. Tears now running down my cheeks. ” my sweet son, you think I hate marriage? I don’t ,I enjoyed taking care of a man. I need the right man this time. I don’t want to mess up again. It hurt so bad the first time. I hear Him, I see what He’s bringing to the table. I adore Him. But there are obstacles, none mine. So I don’t rush. I just wait for a clear path. I worry that obstacles will take forever to move out of the way.which I really wish the path was clear,  I would feel so much better. I have thought about each time He’s said something. I’ve even mentioned it to my girls.  Some want to tell me what to do, but I know me best,  and I will follow my heart! I already know what my answer will be.” My son was quiet, He had no idea that I had already processed much of this. “Son, you of all people know I just want to be happy. Plus I’ve never had a ring, I’ve never had a honeymoon either. The wedding sucked. But then so did the marriage. I lived without all the things women go crazy about. I just want Him.”

With that, we ended our conversation. I realized my son was right. Why was I not more on board?  Part of me thinks that preplanning before being asked is a bit much for any man. But then Daddy is not like any other man. And, Daddy brought it up first, several times. So I’m on board. Still processing. I love my Daddy!  
Here’s the rings I checked out. It will be great to see what Daddy picks.  I’ve never been surprised before. So I guess that part is the hardest for me. 

– His kitten

A moment of grace

3 moments most grateful for

My life has never been easy, but never feel sorry for me. I might share someday, but for now I don’t see the need to do that. But someone I know did ask me to tell about my 3 most grateful moments…And here they are
1. The birth of my children. Even losing one, I still count myself lucky that I got to be his mom. The 3 that survived I love them so much, they have no idea! I used to do dates with each individual kid, let that one know they were, ‘my favorite’ , i figured they’d never catch on, as I did it to all of them, they found out!but I just wanted them know how very special they are to me, each has a secret place in my heart. As my heart makes room for 2 new favorite people♡! Yes, I’m so grateful for these 5 people. 
2. That it never worked out with anyone I dated before Daddy. Not even in marriage, not even through having children. I’m so grateful to not be in a dead end relationship anymore.
3. That I have the ‘man of my dreams’! I get my fairytale ending♡ And we live happily ever after. I’m so grateful to be in this relationship, happy just doesn’t describe it well enough.  Ecstatic? Close, but it’s more than that. It’s simple, there are no words that can humanly define what we have, or how I feel. 

7 of us is enough! Lol