The long road ahead

As my bff has found the Dom of her dreams, things are heading full steam ahead. She’s now at the very crucial point, becoming fully His.

He is starting to break her. For those in our lifestyle you know what I’m talking about. Each Dom will shake is head in accordance, as they have each broken someone who means something to them. Each submissive smiles and has that moment of ‘ oh dear God , the pain. But it’s all worth it.

Was it really worth the pain? When it’s the right Dom, yes. I’ve known some that would help break any sub or slave, no relationship was needed. Just your time, and respect for the Dom. No sex involved. It was just to free her from all the pain of the past, set her free. Help her grow in each area of her life to be the best she can be. I’ve met fake Dom’s who took this breaking very wrong. Used the women for sex, no real training. I’ve been here a long time, even my first Master who helped train me to a point, knew it would not be sexual, never was. It was about protocol, rules, expectations, how to serve with your whole heart. Once he was done we were released. He let us know he’s gone as far as he was able, training would be accomplished by the one who picked us for their own. He was right. I learned plenty. I was happy, peaceful, young, and now searching for my other half of the puzzle. I now look at all exes as life showing me what I don’t want. If I think about this any other way, my self talk really goes badly, ‘ how could you be so stupid’, ‘ what were you thinking’, ‘ were you on drugs for that whole relationship’. Shit like this, unhealthy.

Granted I still have my good days, and my bad days. But most are good! I’m happier now that my Master has shown me how He wants me to serve Him. How to think, how to behave. He’s made room for my babygirl side, not much room for the brat in me. My friend did ask, ‘ how will I know when training is done?’ that’s a fair question, ‘ never’. As people we are always evolving and changing, He will know the way, so follow Him. 

When you’ve been single a long time, how do you just let someone take over your life? One step at a time! Rome wasn’t built in a day, neither will you be. Believe me, she doesn’t always like my answers. Each sub or slave will have their own breakdown and rebuild, no two are alike. 

She is cautious if he will read her and know what she needs, doesn’t need. On this, I giggled alittle. They are born dominant, they think dominant, they sleep dominant, they react dominant in this world. We, however, are submissive so we can only understand our side of things. This is where trust will take you further. Just let go… Yes, easier said,than done. But we submissives all go through this fire.

Why must I be broken? Aren’t I fine the way I am? This gave her cause for concern, does he want a perfect woman and she is his willing victim. To the untrained eye it might appear this way. I had to find an analogy she could relate to. Her children and gardening. I started, ” if your child was full of unhappiness,sadness, pent up emotions, not living life to the fullest would you leave your child there? If any of your plants were not doing well would you let it die, or work on bringing it back?” Her response, ” I’m not heartless I would guide my child with love ,listen to them, help them thru, do what was necessary. The plant too”. I smiled at her, she looked puzzled.

Let me explain! He sees you not living at your full potential, pent up crap from the past, things that need to go. He will show you how to release it all. Then he will fill those empty spaces with things you actually need. And show you who you really are, the real YOU that you were meant to be before life happened to you. Plus, you’re his so you will learn how to please him. Think of his needs before he speaks of them. Put him first in all things. This is what Dom’s do, when he’s done you will be an amazing woman, the woman you were always meant to be. And since he’s the one doing the work, he reaps all the benefits. I can hardly wait to see you six months from now, a year from now. 

She wondered if this is what makes me love my Master more? Yes, it does. Plenty of men before Him saw my pain, and made more, whether intentional or not. He saw my worth, what I can become. Even the things He puts me in charge over in my life, He still watches those. He still pushes me, even out of my comfort zones. The only thing is I don’t fight near as much. I will occasionally ask if this one area can be untouched, the answer is usually, ”No, I expect it to be done, no more questioning me”. Believe me I know how to grit my teeth and bare it really well. But once I get through it I’m very happy, I grew again. 

My Master knows me like a book. He’s knows when to push, and when to leave something alone and maybe try it again at a later date. For instance, humiliation, my ex robbed me of all my emotions. My Master could hardly say anything to me that I didn’t take it like a personal hit to mean He must hate me as much as my ex. Years later, my Master can look at me and ask, ” who’s Daddy’s lil whore?” I’m smiling like an idiot! And my babygirl side is bouncy and giggling, ” me Daddy!!” I’ve changed so much. He, my Master, knows my past, knows me so well that with only words He could kill me if He wanted. A few times, in the heat of an argument, He has cut me and I’m bleeding out. Only He didn’t leave me like that, lifestyle or not, we are still only human. He has had to fix me up again, and send me on my way. I’m good again. But there’s a difference, what other men meant for harm, my Master had no intention of harming me and leaving. It’s fixable. 

The vanilla world knows nothing of this kind of thing. Vanilla women are not allowed to let vanilla men break them down and build them up again, but better. Most vanilla men wouldn’t know where to begin. This is where I have always felt like our lifestyle is far superior than our vanilla counterpart. We choose to be an open book, they hide their true feelings. 

If you are so unhappy in your own world that you cannot see the beauty in this breaking down do NOT mssg me, I will not be kind. I have seen tv and many about females letting men deconstruct you, or take your identity. The commercial that comes to mind is a woman being  led around by a man, she’s on a collar and leash. He leaves her outside a store, the commercial sees her the same as a common house pet. I see the beauty in the collar and leash. As you wouldn’t want your dog to go to far from you, safety reasons, how would you let your woman go to far from you? But this particular commercial is made by feminists movement, and infringes my rights. They do NOT decide for me, my Master will. He has only my good in mind. For those small minded people, you make me sick 

The road ahead is a long one for bff, reason being, does she have a submissive side that she’s denied for years? If there is her Dom will be bringing it out. She’s never been trained before so everything is a surprise. I’m trying to show her how to respectfully ask for clarification. She did however not listen to me, and he stopped his process once she questioned and then told him what she can’t handle. But then asked him to explain what he’s doing, after he already did. I was shaking my damn head. Yikes! If this had been me and my Master, let’s just say I’d be lucky to be alive. This is where my bff says, ” I will not be in fear of any man”.  Wanna bet?

I calmly say, ” I never said fear, I said reverence”. I did try to explain to stop fighting the process. She let me know that he’s aware of how far he can push her and things that are hard limits and will stay that way. Again, I’m shaking my damn head, and I’m thinking” just shut up”.  

I had to explain why when she starts telling him she’s doing her best, that he gets up and leaves. Always a hard one! I explained it’s several reasons. 1. He knows it’s not your best, but you’ll get there how he wants you to be, he must push to see what that is. 2. How submissive are you. 3. Only one of you will be in charge and he leaves to remind you he chooses to be in your life and feel the pain of his empty presence. 4. You need to stop talking, this is his job. 5. Once you said, Yes , you lost all rights, you’re his.

She did let me know that breaking hurt like a son of a bitch. ” You don’t say?” Was my come back! She’s not sure she can continue. I ask, ” do you love him? Do you trust him? If not, don’t go thru the fire for him. It gets worse before it gets better, but it’s worth it”. We submissives know that ONE DAY when you look in the mirror, you finally see the person looking back. You wonder WTH is going on. Oh my god, he broke me. The only person you have to thank is him. The only person you want is him. You have value because of him. You now know all that pain was worth it! 

I gave her a hug as I left, I wished her the best. I hope she sticks with the breaking down, she needs it. She deserves to let go of all the crap from her past. She hugged me again, and said she was sorry for never paying attention to things I said. Or seeing the slave I am for my Master. She always thought the things I do to show my Master love and respect were mundane. Now she sees for herself! No apology was necessary, but I do get the added joy of when we go somewhere she MUST ask, and wait for the response. Paybacks a bitch! 

I’m still very thankful for my Master seeing potential in me. I don’t always see it. But I like me more now, than ever! All because of Him. Is His work done in me? Nope, it never ends. Thank you Daddy!

Oh the thinks I can thinkūüĆą

Dr. Suess was right. The things my mind comes up with! 

I wonder why the juice V8 is called that. What happened to V1 thru V7?

 How do you get almond milk? I just want to watch someone milk an almond.

I’ve heard of olive oil, sunflower oil. But how do you get baby oil?

I’ve heard of full metal jackets how earth could anyone wear those?

So, my son let me know the other day, I was an inspiration to a woman he knows that is wanting to get out of her marriage. She’s been abused for awhile. My son let her know all I’d been thru with his dad, and how I got free. 

She asked if I had cried when the divorce was final? Yes, but not because I loved him. Because I lost so much time of my life, I can’t get one day of it back. I was happy at that time cuz I felt like it was done, someone let me out of prison. I was lost and confused, but I knew I would learn how to do this life. I knew I would screw up, but that was part of learning. I wanted her to have hope, feel empowered to go on with her life. I wished I had done it when my kids were younger, but I can’t think like that. I wished I had left after the first time he humiliated me in front of others, but I can’t think like that. I wished I had left after the first time a fracture appeared on my body from him, but I can’t think like that. I wished I had left the first time I had to gravel at his feet, but I can’t think like that. I wished I had left before my children had heard or seen the violence. 

Life got better once the healing began. I know have the most wonderful man in my life, Daddy. I have to admit I was scared at first, always ready to run because I couldn’t handle being hurt, thought I might be lied to. What if Daddy hit me too, besides spankings! Would He humiliate me, make me gravel too. Would I lose my identity again. Would anyone ever care that I have no self esteem? I was very skiddish. 

Actually Daddy cared about all these things. He’s had His job cut out for Him. I’m a handful, not always my fault. Sometimes I just really need His support. Or Him to remind me that I am special to Him, loved, and He’s not going anywhere. He reminds me that we have plans for our life, and that we will have forever together. When I am at His feet, He treats me with such greatness. I feel like a princess. I love being in slave position in front of Him. I have not once, in almost 2years, felt humiliated. Even when I’m having a blonde moment! He still makes me feel loved. A simple text at times, shows me I’m important to Him. 

I’m looking forward to the rest of my life, how I got so lucky? I have no idea, but I’m glad it’s my turn to be happy. To be with the man I love. 

The slave in me, the woman in me

Yes, confession is good for the soul, cleanses your heart. So I hear, I’m here on my own blog to confess to those who read my writings. I’m not perfect. Today proved it.

About 5 years ago I changed to being a sub, threw the slave me out. I wanted nothing to do with her. She was a doormat, or so I felt. Maybe she wasn’t,¬† maybe it was that she chose the wrong men, and could have fixed that. That could be true, but now i have a Master like none other. My Master saw that there was a slave in me. I put her out to pasture, but He desired I bring her back. Be my true self.¬†

While my Master and I have¬† been together nearly a year, I have only been back to being a slave for about 9 months. I did go to a friend of mine, i will call her (J). I needed her guidance,¬† her slave ways,¬† her thinking, her servitude.¬† Plus she has a babygirl side like I do. If anyone could guide me, it’s her. I do love my friends, but there is something about a long time slave who prides her self on putting her Master first in her heart and thought, and deed.¬† That she devotes herself to him, no matter what.¬† Since my memory didn’t recall everything, I needed the pieces of the puzzle filled in. That’s where ‘J’ comes in. She’s the slave to adore, she makes being a slave look so damn easy, she’s quiet, she’s calm, she’s the epitome of perfection. She brings a smile to her Master’s ( Mr.F) face , he beams with pride of owning her.¬† Which is what all true slaves strive for. So, in my quest to get back to myself, I treasure her help.

I’m not perfect, not even close. But  ‘J’ let me know I’m on the right track. Yet, she knows how hard I am on myself. She gives sound advice. Her ways are what I sort of remember myself being like. Just years ago. She believes I can get back there, but more time is needed.

After all the hard work, where am I at? Well, some days are good, and some days I lose it, I head back to my subbie ways. I felt shame today, once I texted ‘J’ to tell her how my day went. I could clearly see my wrong doing. She was so kind and sweet to pick up my spirits and put me on track. She knows how hard I am on myself.

She saw where the communication break down happened. I did too. But the shame was already there. The way I spoke to Him. The way I embarrassed myself in front of Him. I was not a good slave today, and It broke my heart. It made me cry. I love the man I serve. He’s my world. He’s everything to me. Yet, I once again embarrassed myself before Him, and I didn’t stop it. It’s like I was oblivious to it, til it was done. He must be so proud of me, not. I’m not even proud of myself this moment.

The only way I could see to right my wrongs, was to give my Master some space. Hope He still values my submission. As I wonder if He Still feels I’m the woman He loves and wants me in His life. How does He feel about the slave who serves Him. Does He still want the  babygirl who craves and adores Him.

I’m getting better, I can tell, progress is progress. Once He called me today to talk, which surprised me and made me feel loved,¬† it went well then went downhill. My attitude disrupted what He was trying to do, which was communicate with me. Once He knew I was on a roll, He hung up. My old ways were to call Him and try it again. This time, I didn’t do that. I decided to keep my mind on what He was saying, He was trying to comfort me. Trying to explain. I heard Him, I just wasn’t listening. I didn’t call back and disrespect Him or myself again.¬† That used to be a pattern. Keeping my mind still and on Him was my only thing to do at that moment. It was the only way to show Him I want to be His slave. And as His slave ,calling Him to argue is not an option. But being able to put myself in my place was feeling good to me. I didn’t want to make more unhappiness. All over a misunderstanding.¬†

If I could only take it back. I would. I wanted Him to have what He wanted, my goal was His happiness. I really wanted that. I was looking forward to that, so much. I wanted Him to feel the care and love I put into His task. And in one moment, I was lost. I do regret it. I was so happy to make Him feel proud that He owns me. Proud that I am His. In a world filled with people, He chose me! I’m grateful each day. I love Him so much. But my actions showed it at first, then it was gone.

Where is a slave to go from there…

What about the woman in me. This is a side we tend to forget. It’s not all about the lifestyle. I can be a slave, but I’m always me. How do I feel about myself… today was a tough day. I wished on my first text that an explanation was asked for , and given. I feel maybe the entire thing could have been avoided. That the task at hand was what I wanted. It wasn’t about getting my way. But I felt ,in that moment, I didn’t matter. Which I know in my heart was dumb. I should have asked for information.  I know the woman in me, is not perfect either. I know you are so surprised! The one thing I do know today,  I hurt my man’s feelings,  he’s my best friend, my lover, my Master, my Daddy, my King, my BEAST, my counselor, my love. He is everything to me. I would go to the ends of the earth for Him. I need Him, he’s my first and only love of my life.

I need to look into His eyes, I find myself. I need His laugh,  it reminds how wonderful life truly is. I need His strength,  as some days are tough and He gets me thru them. I need His smile, as it melts me inside.i need His hug, as it makes me feel loved.  I need His talking with me, as it keeps me intrigued with how brilliant He is( i think so!).  I just need Him, as He keeps me grounded. To send Him a morning text, so He knows He’s the first person on my mind when I wake up. I know what I want. The woman in me loves time with Him for many reasons, as I’ve mentioned. Sex with Him is just icing on this cake, orgasms are the sprinkles!

What Does My Heart Say:

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I love you Daddy

– His slave , His woman

So close to letting go.

Ok, I have admit when you’re right. Youre right. I did let my feelings go off track, without talking to you. I felt like I was not important in that one moment , rather than wait for you to clarify it. I forget you have bad days too. That is my fault, I’m sorry.

Finding out that I hurt you, that you felt like letting go. Cut right through me. That’s not what I want. I did listen to my friends, after that I couldn’t tell how I felt, confused. This is my fault, again I’m sorry.

I really listened to you today. It’s just hard to believe that things will be fine, when another reality points at a different direction. To know you were telling me the truth, but then the other side of this coin, didn’t match up. I feel so lost. I could have asked you again, to remind me that it will be done, soon, but I didnt. That is my fault, I’m truly sorry.
This has not been the easiest thing to do, but I did my best in a situation that sucked. You even said it lasted longer then you figured it would. Then please think how strong I have had to be, even when it felt like it was hurting me so much at the same time. I have tried very hard. I felt somedays that I was in pieces.

I didn’t think my words hurt you so deeply, but they did. For that I’m guity. I didnt want you feel how I feel, it was the last thing I wanted,  but it did happen. I heard that pain today. I’m so sorry. If you can’t find any reason to hold on, I won’t stand in your way. I want you to be happy, whether you are with me or need to let go , I care about you, I do love you, last few days didn’t show that. I’m sorry. I will help you how I can, as you allow, because I care.  But if you need to go, I understand. 

The different types of spankings

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There are 5 main types of spankings. I’m glad there was questions, I will write extra blogs on your questions. I do realize some people are new.  Always talk to your Master/Dom first, they will want to train you themselves, or clarify things. If you want outside help, in my opinion, it’s best to ask your dominant if He/She will allow that. I do get questioned a lot by dominants, they ask my background,  with many years in the lifestyle I’m qualified to help subs/slaves with any advice, I don’t know everything , I will be honest about that, and give my honest opinions. No, I don’t train, one on one, anymore. But I do blog about many things in our lifestyle,  so if you always welcome to scroll through my writings. I’m not an expert, just what we call a ‘seasoned’ sub/slave/babygirl.  Yes, I have been all 3. I’m not dominant at all, well unless I gave birth to you. I’m not a switch, tried it, hated it. I need a dominant in my life, on every level. My Master definitely understands this, and gives me what I need.  His guidance, His dominance in and through my life.

Let’s talk about spankings!!

Sexy spankings– A.K.A – funishments.  These are fun and playful spankings. They get you hot and bothered. My Daddy is great at these. Even after He has entered me, He will still swat me on the ass, it gets my attention back on Him, gets me out of my head space. 

Punishment spankings– just what it means. You either broke a rule, we’re a brat,  was being disrespectful, you didn’t do as you were told. In my case, with my Master, if I don’t answer fast enough, or don’t answer Him at all. Sometimes I’m in a different headspace, and the answer hasn’t come out of my mouth quite fast enough for Him. Sometimes I am a SAM (smart ass
Masochist) and I just refuse to answer. I can think the question is unfair, like no matter how I answer He wont be happy, or there is no good answer so I stay silent. He doesn’t care for either.

Therapy spankings- these are a MUST for me. In the past, before I knew about this kind, I was abused, lost,anxious,stressed. Once I learned what this type of spanking was. I realized how much I needed it. Has not a damn thing to do with sex. But it will keep me grounded. My life has many stressors, so 5-10 swats on my ass, I feel this euphoric feeling. Stress melting away. Balance is back, my attitude has been adjusted. I had some great friends (couple) after divorce that, would have me over weekly, just for this. I had pent up rage, so tying me down to a cross or spank bench was necessary. It could take about an hour. I didn’t feel any pain then, I was numb. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t cry. Just needed this release thst therapy spanking gave me. Eventually the couple saw how I never quite let the past go. And the therapy became harder. It was in my best interest.  I finally broke down, yelled back, for the first time ever, used a safeword. Once I was unlocked I had to be carried to a nearby couch, where 4 subs would start aftercare. My backside was nearly ripped open, that’s how strong mentally I was. Even the Master who was helping cried, He was glad I could finally let that pain melt away. Now ,I can feel pain. I was a pain slut, once I got all the crap of the past out of my head, I’m a real girl now! I firmly believe in this type of spanking. It’s also maintenance for me. I do try to not discuss it with my Master, I try to handle things on my own.  He’s busy, can’t do this everyday, but I do know there are days when He just turns me around and smacks my ass hard. My mind let’s go, my body is alert, but less stressed. It’s what I need. 

Role play spankings – to be discussed before a scene takes place. Agreed upon by both parties. If you are an established couple in bdsm then at some point you don’t discuss it, you just know it might/might not be a part of a scene. For newbies, stick to discussing this. You need to agree to it. For people who don’t do pain, but have play partners, again stick to discussing it. With play partners you don’t give up your full rights, you have a say, plus if it’s not working for you, you don’t do pain. Say something.  Always have a safe word, use it.

Hardcover spanking- yep you guessed it. This is for those special ones that like to give pain (sadists), and those who love to recieve (masochists). I get a safe word, I hardly use it. I like some pain.  I used to be a pain slut,  but working on my past, released that. I usually think to myself, that I can take whatever He will dish out, but He see’s that look in my eye or something,  and says to me on a mental level ‘wanna bet?’. He wins everytime. Ok, a few times I can take it. Or He will warn before He starts this is how many I have coming,  no He wont stop/I can’t stop it because I earned them and deserve each one. So ,depending on my attitude, He can and has added to the list once He started. Now He gives me a choice, beat my ass or take the hitachi, ( I hate the hitachi) I know many women who swear they love that fucker, I dont. Which was the reason I didn’t buy one when He ordered me to. I bought the jr. He finally wouldn’t take anything less than the real one. I have always hated them. And now when I ask to play, He will require that toy (His toy) and a video. He likes that I hate it, you have to see His face, he’s completely happy. He knows if it wasn’t a rule that I can’t move away from Him, I would be moving away from Him. When I ask to play it’s with my toys ,that I actually like!

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With any kind of spanking, please make sure you are with an experienced spanker. This is truly important,  as many things can go wrong. There are areas of permanent damage. You need someone who will learn your pain tolerance. You need proper care afterward, or if it opens up. You need to have your own spanking equipment, nothing shared. There are pieces of equipment that you can purchase, or have someone make. ( St. Andrews cross, spank benches) were what I was used to. My Master now, puts restraints on me and ties me to my bed, yes my bed is bdsm ready. There are many places/positions I can be tied in. Find what works for you. I am a babygirl,  but I have never liked over the knee spankings. I find it a humiliating pose for spankings, but that’s just me. I know many babygirls who love it. The beauty of our lifestyle, to each his own. No judgment.

I hope this helps those who read my blog, wanted to know what maintenance spankings were. It just made sense to HIT on them all. Lol

Last but not least,

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I don’t necessarily agree that you have to be married for this. But I do believe in this kind of life with having a Master. I think women can have all the rights they want, and cherish. But once you live together, or marry, you are His. This is called Domestic Discipline. It’s not abuse, so learn the difference. A man is the one in charge, I’m a firm believer of that. Women can be, if she’s a single mother, then you are in charge. Once my Master took over, I was no longer ‘single’, so my life is no longer my own. Granted we don’t live together, but if we ever do, this is the kind of thing I expect. It doesn’t mean He doesn’t care about you ,your feelings, or treat you well. It just puts the balance back into the relationship,  back into the family.  Men were to always be in charge. I think commercials on TV are horrible how they emasculate men. You also don’t have to agree with me. These are my personal  beliefs. This is the kind of household I like. Plus I’m a bratty babygirl, this keeps the balance.  And I hate being in charge.

-His babygirl

Getting thru the holidays

This will be tough, just writing this post, the tears are in my eyes, but I’m strong enough to fight them back, at least til I go to bed then let them silently fall from my eyes,¬† as I miss everyone in my world, no matter how small my personal world is, it’s all mine. I hold everyone I love so close to my heart. It’s just how I am. If I love you, you get all of me.

First off, I lost my fluffy this year in Feb. It just happened so fast, her going down hill. She was 14 yrs old, would have been 15 a few months after her death.

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Here is my babygirl with my cat. She was the best cat. When I was sick, she didn’t leave my side. When the kids were gone,after divorce,¬† she didn’t leave me alone. Now when they go I am completely alone. I miss her. I could tell her all my secrets. She loved me without question. I miss you fluffy.

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I lost my son years ago, but the heart wrenching pain is still there. Whoever said time heals all wounds lied. It doesn’t heal all pain, you just manage it. I still long to hold him, kiss him, talk to him, know how he is doing. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. You are always in my thoughts babyboy, I miss you all the time. How many times I have wished for death to make the pain stop.

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This loss here was of my own choosing, all the people in my family are quite dysfunctional.¬† Being a part of their lives, well just wasn’t an option. I do miss them,¬† especially around holidays. The loneliest time of year.

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My cookie face! My favorite little man. How I love you so much! I will miss my sweet boy when he’s not living near me. I can’t see him when I want. This little one means so much to me.

I am not sure how this year will go. Although my Master put me on task the last time I started crying over all of these people in my life. The memories¬† they have given me, I hope I remember them! LoL. I have just started this Hanukkah /Christmas season and already I want to pack the tree up, dive under the covers of my bed, just get thru the holiday quietly. If I font think about the pain , then it isn’t real, right? Wrong,¬† it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to miss them, it’s ok to feel lonely. I just need balance. The libra in me needs balance. I did get to share my heart. My Master will probably have ideas of how to help me get thru this time, but I really want to go hibernate and hope everyone goes away. There is still a Master to care for, and more children who need me.

Waiting in the wings

I have this need, I need to be able to feel that you need me in your life, as much as I need you in mine. I hunger for you.

I don’t like to wait, but for you I will be patient and wait, I have been. It was a gift I could give to you. For you are that important. In life, sometimes we must wait, be understanding.

Now. Right now, I need a gesture, a sentence, a look, your voice. Something that says you need me, something that says you noticed I waited. Something that tells me you are right where you want to be. That love knows no bounds, wherever we are, that is where love abides. Be with me, standing before me, as I kneel before you.

We are as intimate as two can get. You have seen my body, and my naked soul. Most cannot see the real me. I hide her, protect her. No one shall pass. But with you, it felt safe, to let you see the real me. In hopes that you wanted to mingle your soul with mine, in some kind of forever. 

This love grows slowly, as it should. Anything worth having, worth hanging on to, must be protected, cared for. Let it grow stronger,  with trials and tribulations,  that will make it as steel.

I feel I have shown you my world, my real self, and all that you needed to do was take it, consume me, own me. You did. I cannot say the same, I feel a distance that comes from being in the wings. I want to shout to the world, tell all; ” I love this man”. Yet I am silenced. As a secret, waiting in the wings for that time. Please give that to me which my heart wants.

When will we be able to let it be known. I have no knowledge of when. I hope that this will not come as a surprise, but sooner rather than later, as I am losing faith some days.

If you can give me the greatest gift , money cannot purchase, it only comes from a pure heart. Please close the door on the past, let’s really start to be an us. If not now, when?  My love, you have all of me, do I have all of you? I am reminded by your messages, they give hope. But the present reality paints a somewhat different story. I want two to collide, make it so.

As my heart cries to be with you, I know I cannot. I have much to decide, much to think about. Many tears to cry, in a  silent lucidity.

Show me my love,  show me the way. Take my hand, guide me, be the one who I know is there, my strength. For if it’s not so, I will be heart broken, perhaps just close to death. I know what I want, now I must wait for a sign. Do you feel it too?

Oh how we count the days, hours, months. But do they really belong to us. I wish it to be so. For you my love, missing you will not be easy, but waiting in patience. All I can do. You have me, all of me. I need you my love. I need all of you.