As my mind wanders

The drive was a long one, but worth it. I found something for Daddy’s birthday and I really wanted it! The store near me didn’t have it, so they gave me the closest store, it was far, but I know I’m going! Took the boys with me! girls were doing other things, Daddy was busy, so off we go…

As we drive thru a part of the next town, we were in the area of 4 homes we had lived in. My mind started going fast like a movie, it was scenes in each home and how violent our lives were back then. It was my ex, the monster. He hides it so well from the world, but underneath he’s really a big piece of shit, as far as human beings go. No one who meets him thinks he’s capable of all he put us through, but we aren’t crazy, and we did survive.

The fighting, yelling, hitting, bruises, screaming, and tears. How each of us suffered ( me and 3 kids). We were lost, and never thought it would stop. But I didn’t know the memories were still there, not all of them. Plenty were blocked. My boys started remembering how bad our lives had been. If you ever believed in zombies, well that was the four of us once separation set in. I will never know how I got out, I just knew I needed out. I’m still alive!

None of us had any idea how to do this life, figure out this world. I was the leader, so it felt up to me to make the first move. 

* Side note* when you are trying to get free from a sociopath narcissist nothing is easy, after 8 years we all still have some fear of his wrath. We know what he’s capable of, you have no idea.

Today is a new and wonderful time in our lives. We made it out of hell. Well most of us, three of us to be exact. One is still stuck by a parenting plan, but plz sweet girl hang on, I’m trying to save you. I really am. I need some hope, so does she.

The only hope we have really have, has been since my Daddy started taking over my life. I was this shell of a person, He showed me things I’ve never seen before. He treats me as I’ve never been treated before. I’m always grateful that even if we disagree He still loves me, He doesn’t hurt me mentally, emotionally, physically.He wants me to be fine. But I don’t think He has any idea how days like today make me happy that He’s here for me and the kids. We aren’t scared. Well a little maybe, but my ex is to scared himself to hurt anyone of us, since Daddy is the first man that ever wanted to stay. I feel protected,safe. We all have someone to go to now, cops never did a good damned thing to save any of us, neither did the courts.

I remember the first time Daddy stayed the night, actually for the first so many months I wouldn’t sleep much. I was so afraid He might try to kill me in my sleep, as my ex had tried so many times. I learned to not sleep, so I could stay alive. Now I sleep better when Daddy is in bed next to me, it’s the best sleep I’ve ever had! Thank you Daddy! You will never know what this means to me, that I can trust you so deeply. No one ever spent the night in my bed before, because of fear. They weren’t allowed in my home, cuz of fear. No guy near my kids , again cuz of fear. 

We were very fucked up, maybe we still are to some degree. Once Daddy arrived, I think He saw the damage, but I don’t think even now He fully gets the extent of the violence, maybe He does. I’m thankful that He doesn’t want to talk about it. He knows some, enough to know we are thankful He is in our lives. Weird thing is, we had cried to Him ” please don’t let the asshole hurt us”. I’m not sure what this does to Him when He hears our pleas. 

How does He feel about our pleas? Does He feel keeping us safe could get dangerous? How does He process all the violence we have all been thru? Does He even realize how much we owe Him for the safe feeling we have now? 

This family finally feels complete. We have a protector in our lives. If you’ve never been thru abusive hell than you won’t understand that kind of joy. 

Never easy, but always worth it!

As I talk to a friend of mine today, she’s excited about her new Dom. I’m excited for her. She’s got her new rules! Knows what he wants and expects from her, she’s happy as a clam! That’s great!

She did ask me if that happiness ever wears off? That’s a tricky one to answer. If it’s the right Dom for you, then no. If he’s not, then it will be short lived. I gave her honesty, it’s best to swallow that pill now.

Shes asking me a ton of questions. She’s so happy! She wants to know why she feels like a school girl. Dominants give us a gift. The gift of freedom! The gift of being our true self. The gift of service to them. He could have picked any female for this job, but it’s mine! It comes with no paycheck, no vacation time, but the perks are plenty!

Freedom just from Him taking over your life! How’s that possible? It’s hard to explain to the vanilla world, but those of us who get it, it’s the most wonderful feeling any submissive, man or woman, can have. My choices are what He allows. I go places, only He allows. I meet up with friends, only He allows. I eat, only what He allows. I drink, only when He allows. I dress how He allows. I cum, only when He allows. I speak, only when He allows. I serve, All the time! I am actually serving in each example listed, by obeying Him. It’s an easy concept, but delivery can be hard as fuck somedays. 

I shall be her support on days when she’s tired of giving, and doing. Forgets why this was such a wonderful life. Trust me, you have those days. But we always get back on track, a great Master knows your human. That you might need a moment to just be you. They watch, observe, and then help you get back to being submissive you, it’s never forced. If it was forced you’d never find joy in it.

Vanilla people serve too. A wife who makes dinner, cleans the home, does laundry, chauffeurs the kids, is her man’s support. Umm hello that’s serving! 

My life is happy! I can understand my friends happiness, because my life rocks too! I have the love of a wonderful man, who’s also my Master. He’s my Daddy, my King, the only man who owns my heart and soul. But He’s also my friend, the one I go to when I’m falling apart, He listens then points out how to find what I’m looking for, makes me laugh! He sings to me! I love our conversations, ok when they aren’t about me being blonde. Yeah, I said it! I won’t remember it in 30 seconds! He encourages me, helps me, believes in me, wants me. I have the most amazing life! Of course we all have our good days and bad days. Make sure the good out number the bad. 

What about Him? Does He feel your love in word and deed? Hopefully so. Does He always want to be in charge? He was born dominant, as I’m born submissive. But He will have good days and bad, He’s human as well. Don’t be so selfish as to think you are the only one who has needs here, they are just different from His own. Men need to feel loved, cherished, women need to feel wanted. Always give your best to your dominant, the rate of return is great. This is where vanilla people get lost. When you communicate, on the same page, roles identified, rules established you can’t help but feel safe, happy. It’s all spelled out before you. You know what’s expected, what will happen, how it will happen. There are no grey areas. But if something is not clear, just ask , your dominant wants you to understand. You won’t be set up to fail, ever. This concept is most definitely lost on vanilla people. 

So, what did we learn today? Lifestyle is pretty easy, we make it harder than it is, we will have some challenges, but it’s always worth it! Live with no (regerts)!!! Yeah I did that on purpose, not cuz I’m blonde, but I am blonde, but cuz  it’s funny. I think I’m funny, Daddy doesn’t! But I am!  Oh forget it!

Happy birthday to my big boy! 

It is my oldest child’s birthday! It’s a good and a tough day for me. It was a great morning, woke to my Daddy in bed with me ( nothing better than that, fuck I miss waking up with someone in my bed, (KIDS ARE NOT ON THAT LIST, DON’T COUNT!). My clock rings, I have to get early again. Thought of leaving my nice,warm, comfy bed with my naked Daddy in it, well let’s just say I’m not a happy babygirl. Much to my surprise, as I was in the bathroom getting dressed and ready, Daddy was in the bedroom getting dressed and ready, my heart started to sink as I miss Him so much but I deserve to stay in bed with Him, I’m thinking now He’s leaving… I pull Him close to me, so I can smell Him ( girls you know exactly what I am talking about!) I want to feel His touch one more time before I must release Him again, steal more kisses!! He surprised me, ” I’m going with you!” . There was no way to explain how happy I was in that moment! 

What were we talking about? Oh yeah it’s my son’s birthday. Lol

So, for me it’s a good day, and a bad day. My son is a twin. I lost one, kept one. I remember leaving the hospital that next morning, feeling very confused as a part of me was happy, but a part of me was broken forever. It seemed like a cruel thing for a young mother to go thru. Family around me asked why I was crying, I had never held my lost son, no real memories so get over it. My ex, was my husband at the time, was just as cold. I said we need to give him a name so he can have a place in our hearts, he said, what for?. So a day like today still has mixed feelings for me. It was a happy day watching my son turn 25! He’s a good kid, becoming a man ,due to my Master who has taken on the task of being a father even to my adult children, as their own father failed them. I must say I thought I really was showing them the way, I couldn’t be more wrong. I made them more confused, more emotional. All the things MEN aren’t​ allowed to be in our society. As I watch my Master with my boys breaking the walls I put up for them, with them. I wonder how I couldn’t do what He did for them? Men and women are so different. I would say make sure all boys have their father in their lives to show them the way, only my boys dad is the reason my boys are acting like boys , and not men. How could my ex teach our boys something he couldn’t even do, be a man. He still acts like a child himself. My Master has even been the example that my boys follow for many things! I had no idea. But it’s been fascinating to hear about. My oldest son has a child, he’s been learning to be nicer to his ex but not a victim any more. He’s established boundaries, sticks to his guns, won’t let her control him, or keep his son from him. I asked about these changes what brought this on. My son looked at me ,smiled and said, ” my stepdad”. I even found out that ppl at his work know all about his ‘ stepdad’! My son has never bragged about his own dad, asked for advice, he has asked for help from his own dad only to be told no. But my Master guides him, shows him the way, then expects my son to go do it. And surprisingly he does! Wow!!
We were talking about… Oh yeah birthday!  I’m proud of my son! I watched him work on a vehicle practically all by himself, asking my Master questions when he needed guidance. My son came thru the door so proud of himself. He has even made some life decisions, and honestly he didn’t ask me for my opinion at all. That is so great! My son is becoming the man he needs to be. My Master said use this time alone to work on yourself. And much to my surprise my son extended an invitation to an enemy that he wants to be his friend. I was in shock and awe. 

For my son’s birthday we took him out to dinner, just me and the men in my life, our girls were gone. My son was so happy, when I asked him if he was doing anything with his dad for his birthday, he smiled and said, ” I just did! I had dinner with him”. I nearly cried right there, and writing that made my eyes well up with tears again. Everyone has been affected by this man I love. Once we got home from dinner, my middle son canceled plans with his dad, I asked why, but he didn’t answer til this afternoon, it was about my Master again! Wow! Even my daughter, calls him her dad. Everyone of her friends knows who her dad is. She even told me recently that she waited and waited for him to toss her aside as her dad has, she said he hadn’t. She’s learning to trust that there are good men in the world now. She says I have lunch with my dad almost everyday, I didn’t know I needed that, but I do. He talks to me, he listens to me. He will give fatherly advice and I know it’s cuz he loves me. 

The other day she watched her ‘ little sister’. She was so happy and excited. She came up to me hugged me said you can never ever leave my dad, I let her know I’m not planning that. She said well don’t, ever. She looked at me with tears, “I finally have a family mama, I belong to someone besides just you”. Tears flowed, no way around that one. My daughter has always looked for a connection to someone besides just me. Even been suicidal at times because if I died she was going with me. She let me know she’s staying to see her life unfold, I’m so thankful! She has another year and a half before she’s free. But she’s getting stronger. She even shouted at her ‘Dad’ to be careful on his motorcycle, he said he’d try, she thought that wasn’t good enough, he has to be safe if only for her. She doesn’t want to lose her Dad. 

This is probably the happiest I’ve ever seen these ppl in my life. I worked hard making sure they have a home, food, spend time with them. But even the libra on me knows that we were all still out of balance. We needed Him! Maybe more than He needs us. As I examine my life, it finally feels balanced. Like I have everything I ever wanted, needed. I won’t take that for granted,ever. 

Happy birthday to my first born. I love you so much. Daddy, thank you! The list of why I’m thanking you is to long to tell unless you’ve got hours. Just know there are five ppl who love you so much, beyond words. 

My birthday boy!!!

Top photos are of me and my younger son

No Tomorrow

I’m watching Netflix and I see this new show come up. it’s called ‘No Tomorrow’. I really like this show, especially since the main guy thinks the world is gonna end soon. Yeah, sounds crazy, but it’s really a decent show 

The show got cancelled. But I did take something from it. The world doesn’t have to be ending for you to stop living in fear, or have just a safe boring life. Try new things, make a list of things you want to do, not so much a bucket list. The end doesn’t have to be in sight for you to live your life. 

There are so many things in this world that I haven’t done yet. Where to start?! 

1. Volunteer and make a difference. Since I’ve been single I’ve volunteered plenty of times, I do like it.

2. Go to place in AZ that is like a simulator for skydiving.

3. Crash a wedding, cuz it looks fun. Like the movie!

4. Food fight! 

5. Go play Lazer tag, but not with an epileptic, again…

6. Get more tattoos

7. Connect with Him on levels I never knew existed. I can’t ever do the disconnect again.

8. Drive a corvette

9. Go on a roaptrip to Vegas. Just cuz I haven’t been there in years and I like it.

10. Road trip to Cali. Not sure exactly where but I don’t care, I like it there

11. Roaptrip to karchner caverns in Tucson, cuz I’ve always wanted to, so why not.

12. Go to zoo , cuz I love it

13. Get into a nerf gun war with someone! Cuz it’s the legal way to shoot ppl.lol

14. Be in a bikini again!

15. Go back to my natural hair color, blonde. I went dark to have some fun, ready for a change

16. Go get the best steak ever!

17. Make a porn video with Daddy, personal video!

18. Watch Daddy dance, hopefully strip!  Cuz that was hot

19. Give Daddy a lap dance, cuz I want to be his personal porn star

20. Write more stories that are in my head

21. Figure out what I want to do with my life

22. Figure out how to get some peace of mind

23. Find a great school for lil babygirl

24. See some movies this year

25. Learn makeup contouring again

26. Start a blog or vlog with my daughter cuz she wants to

27. My daughter has an idea for a business, help her with it

28. Help my kids get to be more independent

29. Figure out all my debt and find a solution cuz it’s on my mind, way to much

30. Better car, soon…

31. Look at places to live, cuz my lease will be up soon. Need to save for this too. ( Mobile home, another apt), I need a plan.

32. Figure out lawyer situation

33. Start cooking again. Maybe a bigger kitchen would help? Idk

34. Teach my daughter how to cook even more things, she’s pretty good!

35. Shop again. Not buying any new clothes makes me dress like shit. I need some motivation to feel pretty again

36. More dirty pics for Daddy, cuz it’s fun!

37. Go to more museums! I like them. All work and no fun makes babygirl a dull girl.

38. Learn new things

39. I like my job but if it can’t be consistent, I need something new

40. Go see monster trucks again!

41. Go see dirt bikes. Even freestyle

42. Try to NOT go camping cuz it’s boring and I like things like electricity and indoor plumbing.lol

43. Visit tonopah again and spend a naked day with Daddy, cuz that was so fun. More than a few hrs

44. Go to a football game for any team. OK not the Cardinals.lol

45.

46.

47.

I’m sure there’s more stuff in my brain. Maybe I’ll add to this list or just make a new one in my notebook. Either way I like goals, and there’s stuff I want to do. This show is pretty good, sucks it got pulled. I found it positive and inspiring. There may not be a meteor headed our way to end our lives, but life has a way of sneaking up on you, before you know it there is regret and resentment for not doing more things that make you happy.

So I suggest you get inspired, maybe go watch the show, and have some fun in your life instead of it just passing you by. 

Babygirl

Our day trip to Tonopah, AZ.

Mix – Kane Brown – What Ifs (Audio) ft. Lauren Alaina: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGV5Yom8JEY&list=RDBGV5Yom8JEY

Daddy and I took a trip today, played hooky from work. We got a much needed break from kids, everything.

We needed time together, things have gotten so stressful and crazy the last few months. This trip was important to both of us. Put everything in perspective. 

We talked about the past, our exes, kids, life, hopes, dreams, us as a couple. The day was beyond words. It was just what we needed. We laughed so much, made love, we got a day together and got to be naked the whole time! Who could ask for more. Not us, it was perfect! 

I can’t wait for the next trip, hopefully longer than this one was.But I will have this man in my life forever so I’m not worried about it. I’ll take whatever we can get. 

As we headed home we both had this look, we both just knew we needed today. For me, it opened my eyes to some things going on in our lives. I can’t tell Him how I just stare at Him and watch what He’s doing. Several times I got tears in my eyes, I just love Him so much. I feel so good, I hope I never forget today! I love my Daddy!!!!!!
**Song I put on this post, describes how I used to feel, when Daddy and I were first together. I’d been hurt so much I couldn’t tell which end was up. I was pretty sure He was gonna hurt me and leave eventually. Lucky me He reminded me over and over that He’s where He wants to be. Today, nearly two years together, I’m not so scared of our future together! I want everything with Him**

Sorry, I bet you thought I was gonna show you pics of Daddy and I?! Nope, we were naked all day, that’s private!!!!

Thank you Daddy, it was fantastic today! I love you!

Counting on forever

I’ve been deep in thought for a week now, I’ve come to realize that I really want to be there for Him and all He’s going thru, but I truly need Him to know I can only process in chunks. I don’t get so stressed ,or ready to argue. It’s not the ideal situation, but I’m here. He’s a smart man, doesn’t make a move without thinking it thru. I trust things will take care of themselves. I can’t worry about it, not want to. I have better things to do. It’s one of those ‘ make it or break it’ times in ppls lives. Those times that just suck the life out of you, as you are in survival mode.

Time. All He wants. So, I’ll wait patiently for my love. I’ll do my best not to give more stress. It won’t help the situation. It won’t help us. I’m trying not to struggle, then I can’t breathe.

As I think of where we are headed, I realize that we both have exes, some maybe harder to get along with, but hopefully not impossible. I have tried my hardest to be understanding about one of His exes, but being pushed beyond what I want to handle doesn’t make me happy. I’m out of my comfort zone. Plus seeing Him hurt makes me want to fight. I do want Him to still be transparent, even though I’m trying to process at the speed of light. I appreciate that from Him. But as I think about the rest of our lives together, I need Him to show me how to get along with her, for his child’s sake. This person will continue to be in our lives, same with all the exes, but I want Him to know I can try to make the best of it, as long as He’s by my side, I think I can, I think I can… I know me, I’m doing my best. But then He has to put with my exes as well, and one of them is not so lovely either. Why must it be that way? Who knows, can’t we all just get along.

I can say I’m proud of us, for taking our time and really bonding. He’s my best friend, there’s nothing I can’t share with Him. He listens, He gives His perspective. I’m so glad that there were obstacles, it showed us that we are strong enough to get thru them all. This last one seems like He’s got a good handle on it. He’s reminded me it’s not forever. I can trust Him. 

I’ve gone thru the worst with Him. I’ve broken my own heart along with His, I walked away from Him over stupid things. Not once but twice, after that I promised I would never do it again, and I didn’t. I really want ‘us’. I always have. I have wanted to be His since we met, the first time, I was just so afraid of getting hurt. I’m much stronger now. 

Hoping for a happy life. One where we look out for each other. We are there thru good and bad. For me, bad is now, and He’s showing me how important this is to Him. I try to not be self centered, only think about what I’m going thru. His pain must hurt so badly, but He stuffs it. Gets to work, does what any man does, makes life happen. Strives for happiness.

I want to hold Him right now, let Him melt into me, become one with me. His pain is my pain, we share one heart, one soul. Emotions gets caught in your chest. As you push it back down with all the strength you can muster. We’ve all been there. I can tell He’s not Himself, Cuz He’s a million miles away. His happiness is in spurts. He’s trying so hard to be everything to everyone. But I worry a loss is coming, I hear His heart crying out. I want to save Him, He won’t allow it. He’s the Dom, the strong one. Yes, my love you are, but in this moment it’s OK to be in your safe place and not put on a facade of happiness. There is no judgement. Only unconditional love. 

I will care for you like no other has before. Drop your worries, and your pain in my lap, those emotions are not new here. I won’t be scared, I won’t runaway. I will be your strength if you must give in for the moment. Find your strength in me, take what you need, breathe in life, be renewed. Then go take on this world. I will be waiting to hear your report from the front lines, where the most traumatic things are happening. I can handle it, give me chunks. This is not all or nothing, I’m right here. I’m strong enough to withstand your storms. I’ve been thru my own. 

I may fall apart momentarily, but I always get back up. I’m just like you. We are a lot alike in many ways. To strong for our own good. You do it with such grace, while I choose to be a whirlwind. I see us building, a strong future, one that can’t crumble over small , insignificant things crashing into us. We will get thru this-together. My love for you is so vast, I just need you to know. Right now there is no right or wrong way to accomplish our goals. 

I didn’t believe in happy endings

As I’m telling my bff all about my week, I decide it’s to negative, I need to put out some positive vibes and now. I hate it when ppl are only negative with me, now I’m doing that to myself, no no no.

The positive stuff was great things going on. Kids are doing great, except a few are sick, no big. Our littlest one did fall and hit her head, she’s gonna be fine! So happy. I’m getting some job offers! But when my bff asked how Daddy and I are doing, I stopped dead in my tracks. I get quiet. Tears well up in my eyes, my voice is shaky. She starts thinking the worst. I smile at her thru my tears that are just ready to fall down my cheeks.

She demands an answer from me, I’m overwhelmed and choke on the words. I start again, “He believes in me”. She smiles back at me, hugs me. I say, ” there’s tons to tell you!”  I have never been treated like that before, not in my life. I’m not sure I deserve it. But He’s talking about big things, scary things like meeting His family, that’s huge to me. He’s reminded me a lot ‘we’ will get thru all of this together. He keeps asking me what’s wrong. Well I’m scared to death of how things in my life are going ,but He’s been right by my side this whole time. He’s not wavered. He’s been my Master, my Daddy, my best friend, and my soulmate. He’s been strong for me. He’s been my rock, my shoulder to cry on even as He’s been guiding us all. He’s been in control, so much so that I haven’t wanted to drink all the alcohol in the world. Him having that power has been so freeing and wonderful for me. I have such deep respect. I’ve spent much time right now in babygirl mode, He’s allowed it! The slave in me is there, but the woman in me is struggling to find the courage one more time to get shit done. I’m trying to stay motivated. I’m trying to keep my eyes on Him.”

There was so much more to say, but trying to find the words to describe Him, nearly impossible. If I can’t tell Him how I feel, how will He know? Does He truly understand that my love for Him drives me each day? Probably not. Or that I’m trying not to count the minutes til He and I get to wake up to each other each morning! I can hardly wait, it feels more tangible then ever now. 

It’s been a long wait , but it was worth every second. We know each other so well. I know what He wants/needs without any words. He’s the same way with me. I’m the luckiest babygirl in the world. I have the love of the most amazing man ever. I get to spend the rest of my life with Him. One day I get to take His name even if it’s only 2 letters off from mine,lol. Plan a life with Him! My god I love this man. I’m so thankful He loves me beyond words too. That He even wants the job of taking care of me and all the kiddos. Believe men like Him don’t come along everyday. I’m looking forward to our future! 

I always thought Disney got it all wrong, that there were  no happy endings, but I found mine, or He found me???

Daddy’s babygirl
Hope you all had wonderful holidays!! Now it’s a new year, with new hope.