I got very insecure about an issue, that he has been patient to clarify, more than once. When He has requested things of me, things for me to work on, i do it half assed. I didn’t serve or submit on a daily basis, just when i felt it needed it. Not that it was a game, i wanted my way, be a babygirl and a brat. I didn’t give thought to the time He took to listen to me, work on my strengths, my fears, push me to be better.
I just expected to come and kneel before Him, and feel like it was all good. To be honest, he’s been so busy, sometimes i wasn’t even kneeling when He was before me, i was disrespecting Him, acting like i deserved a place of honor. I didn’t, that would be for Him to decide not me. I have been quite selfish. I knew He wanted to make me happy, and would try to return that, only to sometimes disgrace myself, badly. This lifestyle is not just about my wants,my needs, my sexuality, His are supposed to come before my own, unless He chooses different. I don’t want Him to feel He has wasted His time, i did not try to. I have known what i wanted for a long time. So why didn’t i do that,i have no good answers.
I have said communication should be better, He will ask me to tell Him all that is on my mind, i will only tell a few things that i can focus on. I don’t usually share it all. I know He’s not a mind reader, but i figured i could handle some of the petty crap that goes through my head, instead of, again, waste His time. He did ask. I did always try to respect His time, i knew it was valuable, and He is always busy. Did i thank Him enough for finding time with me? I hope so.
Could i have tried harder to be a better submissive? Yes. There is more to this lifestyle than just fucking and being on our knees. I have been part of a house with other subs, i know how to serve in many ways. I should constantly be finding ways to prove myself to Him, showing Him i am learning, wanting to be better for Him, yes even long time subs too.
When He presented me with doing things i did not want to do, i fought him. Sometimes silently , but i still didn’t want to give in. I noticed anytime He found something i did not like to do, He made it a point to say ‘then that’s what we will do’. My way of fighting back, was to not share these things, or just say i liked them. I know He was proving a point, the point is, that i do things i like to do all day/ everyday, but to fully submit to a dominant , He needs to know I will do things i don’t want to do. I only hurt myself, not really serving Him. I should be doing all that is asked of me, as happily as possible. I promise it works. To see your dominant beaming with pride that you took direction,fully did as asked, let them do their job of being the lead, as you follow.
Occasionally i have triggers, He would listen to these, helping me work through them.
He took control of everything around me. I just wouldn’t stop resisting when it came to myself.
I didn’t lie to Him. Always tried to show appreciation, but i have deep trust issues and insecurities so i decided, to not do this anymore.
It is with deepest regret. I need rules, i need structure, i need a strong dominant. I also love and care for Him very much. I was proud to be His, even with denying to myself how badly i was behaving.
Would i undo all that i have done, yes. He deserved my best from the start, not just when i felt like it, or it suited a purpose.
Will everything be ok? Only He can answer that. I have really seen the light, since He broke me, not fully ,but pretty close. My slave side made its way to the surface. A long time slave i know, she and her Master spoke with me over the weekend. He said i forgot my place, i couldn’t even address him properly. It took me 12 tries before He was pleased. I started to cry when i realized what i had done to my own Dom. I have shamed myself before Him, so many times. I am not proud of my self.After a 2 hour conversation with my friend and Her Master. I was told how badly i behaved,that i forgot how to be my true slave side. I had buried it for so long. that i need to accept my Dom’s training happily to please Him. That i should stop calling Him Sir, its to common, He should have a title of respect, i should ask what He prefers. I knew he spoke the truth, with amnesia and previous Dom’s not requiring me to follow protocol, rules, structure. I cannot blame them, i need to take responsibility for my own slave side here. I know how to get back to where i started. I owe it to Him, and to myself.
Will He be in my life? I don’t know, i have done nothing to give Him reason to stay. I can only offer the deepest apology, and i felt public was best. Only because showing how disgraceful i have treated Him, how unserving i have been , this IS true humiliation, and degradation for me,to show it publicly. i would not do this except to try to hope there is some shred of something worthy in me. That He can find it, wants to find it. i am willing to truly submit, give myself 100%, talk when He says, show Him full respect, serve Him how He wants to be, and offer myself to Him to use as He sees fit. My sub friends were never on my side about any of my choices recently, they warned me to behave, and wait for Him. I did not. I am guilty. I feel like I’m bleeding on the inside. After speaking with that Master i feel more unworthy then i did before. I am broken down in my spirit, only because i forgot how wonderful it really is to serve your dominant. To see them pleased and happy. Then ,and only then , are you to truly be in a place of honor, they will put you there. As my world is right this minute, i have more questions then answers. I will wait patiently and quietly for Him to let me know where this stands. Its all i have to offer Him.Does He even want me to be a slave? Does He want a different dynamic as i have lost my way? I can only hope that He will understand these are not just words. I mean this. If he chooses to not, then it was my own undoing. I will have to live with that. But i will get back to my slave side, my true slave heart, and only let the babygirl out when she’s allowed. Keep my mind focused, and quiet. Like it should be, like it has been in the past.
Thank you for listening to a slave who had hid from the world and lost her way.