I found something ,something i never saw before

There is a pain that feels like its gut wrenching, and a sweetness that goes with it , it is indescribable. When you know your life had some purpose, but nothing made sense. Then you notice that something new is there. You feel alive, for the very first time. Things around you have meaning. The old you is fading away, you feel like you are in a foreign land but you also feel like you are home. Everyone around is taking notice as well. The world is sweeter, its not perfect, but you just know you are grateful for each day you have. Life is a beautiful thing! Long time friends, and your family want to know why you seem so happy, so full of life, some sparkle there that had been missing before.

When they hear the answer, they are shocked at the news, for they know you are speaking the truth, as you have never said these words before in your life.

I’m in love!

I tried to runaway from it, I just can’t, its all new to me. I am scared, but I have to see what this is, why I’m drawn to Him.




And its football season, Go Steelers!!




At war within myself

The war within myself started Saturday . Friday i was just being selfish, did as i pleased. No care to the outcome, well i did think about my Dom , a lot. I missed him so much, later that night feeling physically sick. After talking to long time friends i finally had this epiphany, i wasn’t looking to be released, i needed a day off. So, on this day off that i assumed i wanted. I thought i was having a great time. I ate junk food, had playtime , no texting about where i was going or being on task, drank pop, i hadn’t been allowed on fet for over a month and put myself back up. I did accept old friend requests, but i wasn’t happy about it. I did realize that the people i talk to all the time are the ones closest to me, and i already talk to them. I didn’t even talk to anyone. A few mssgs came through from men, but it  made me angry , because I knew someone actually cared for me, and for more than just sex. They weren’t worth my reply. All the things my Dom kept me from, i actually thought i was missing something. About the only thing i really missed was my Dom. In that moment i loved my rules, my structure,  my protocols. I only wanted Him. I was feeling so sick to my stomach from when reality had just set in, i kept throwing up . I asked to be released, what was i thinking? I wasn’t thinking. That was apparent. Why didn’t i ask for a day off? I’m not sure he would have given that, but you never know. I finally stopped throwing up, i really stressed myself. I realized too that everything i want, i just let go of. How did i do that, i should be banned from my phone sometimes. Someone take my phone away when I’m about to do something so stupid and completely regrettable.  Now i may have sealed my own fate. It took me over a year to find this Dom. Now to figure out how i got here.  I don’t see anything out there that i wanted. I don’t want to start over with someone new. Learn all the stuff about someone. I was already happy and comfortable.  I drove my Dom crazy , but at least i had Him.  I don’t like being alone.

So i spent the day cleaning, taking fet back down, i will miss the readings of friends pages, but not enough. I just let Him go , He was the best sex i have ever had. Am i out of my fucking mind? Obviously. May i plead temporary insanity.

Now, to wait and see what His decision is. Only He can let me know if i am  worth another chance. I have nothing to offer but a heartfelt apology and my body to use as He pleases, and of course take any punishment that i would clearly earn. I have never felt so foolish in all my life. I really needed the day off to be able to look at my life, and appreciate that i had everything i was looking for, and treated it like it was nothing.  I couldn’t be more serious. My stomach is in knots.

Here’s how much fun i had, i ate what i wanted, I’m still not sure if that helped with the throwing up. Drank pop, after a while you lose the taste for that crap. Being on fet, it sucked, except for
readings from old friends. Later in the evening, it did make me cry so hard , like i haven’t done in quite sometime.  I had the worst time, and for what? Nothing.
My life changed in the blink of an eye, and i am so terrified of His answer.  How did i get here?

Do i expect Him to read this and have mercy me? No, i don’t. I just cant stop thinking about it, feeling so upset with myself. I just miss him so much. His blue eyes, his great smile, his muscular chest, his strong masculine voice, my favorite part of him ( down south between his legs, that huge cock!), fantastic ass, strong arms. They way He looked at me. Winked at me, smiled at me, cuddled me. Took me for His pleasure, made me orgasm over and over, listened to me, could fuck my ass so well, and could make me cum from it. Saw my weaknesses and wanted to make them strengths. There is so much on my mind. It will be hard to let go. I can hardly breathe just writing this.

I broke his trust

I got very insecure about an issue, that he has been patient to clarify, more than once. When He has requested things of me, things for me to work on, i do it half assed. I didn’t serve or submit on a daily basis, just when i felt it needed it. Not that it was a game, i wanted my way, be a babygirl and a brat.  I didn’t give thought to the time He took to listen to me, work on my strengths, my fears, push me to be better.

I just expected to come and kneel before Him, and feel like it was all good. To be honest, he’s been so busy, sometimes i wasn’t even kneeling when He was before me, i was disrespecting Him, acting like i deserved a place of honor. I didn’t,  that would be for Him to decide not me. I have been quite selfish. I knew He wanted to make me happy, and would try to return that, only to sometimes disgrace myself, badly. This lifestyle is not just about my wants,my needs, my sexuality, His are supposed to come before my own, unless He chooses different. I don’t want Him to feel He has wasted His time, i did not try to. I have known what i wanted for a long time. So why didn’t i do that,i have no good answers.
I have said communication should be better, He will ask me to tell  Him all that is on my mind, i will only tell a few things that i can focus on. I don’t usually share it all. I know He’s not a mind reader, but i figured i could handle some of the petty crap that goes through my head, instead of, again, waste His time. He did ask. I did always try to respect His time, i knew it was valuable, and He is always busy. Did i thank Him enough for finding time with me? I hope so.
Could i have tried harder to be a better submissive? Yes. There is more to this lifestyle than just fucking and being on our knees. I have been part of a house with other subs, i know how to serve in many ways. I should constantly be finding ways to prove myself to Him, showing Him i am learning, wanting to be better for Him, yes even long time subs too.
When He presented me with doing things i did not want to do, i fought him. Sometimes silently , but i still didn’t  want to give in. I noticed anytime He found something i did not like to do, He made it a point to say ‘then that’s what we will do’. My way of fighting back, was to not share these things, or just say i liked them. I know He was proving a point, the point is, that i do things i like to do all day/ everyday, but to fully submit to a dominant , He needs to know I will do  things i don’t want to do. I only hurt myself, not really serving Him. I should be doing all that is asked of me, as happily as possible. I promise it works. To see your dominant beaming with pride that you took direction,fully did as asked, let them do their job of being the lead, as you follow.
Occasionally i have triggers, He would listen to these, helping me work through them.
He took control of everything around me. I just wouldn’t stop resisting when it came to myself.
I didn’t lie to Him. Always tried to show appreciation, but i have deep trust issues and insecurities so i decided, to not do this anymore.
It is with deepest regret. I need rules, i need structure, i need a strong dominant. I also love and care for Him very much. I was proud to be His, even with denying to myself how badly i was behaving.
Would i undo all that i have done, yes. He deserved my best from the start, not just when i felt like it, or it suited a purpose.

Will everything be ok? Only He can answer that. I have really seen the light, since He broke me, not fully ,but pretty close. My slave side made its way to the surface. A long time slave i know, she and her Master spoke with me over the weekend. He said i forgot my place, i couldn’t even address him properly. It took me 12 tries before He was pleased. I started to cry when i realized what i had done to my own Dom. I have shamed myself before Him, so many times. I am not proud of my self.After a 2 hour conversation with my friend and Her Master. I was told how badly i behaved,that i forgot how to be my true slave side. I had buried it for so long.  that i need to accept my Dom’s training happily to please Him. That i should stop calling Him Sir, its to common, He should have a title of respect, i should ask what He prefers. I knew he spoke the truth, with amnesia and previous Dom’s not requiring me to follow protocol, rules, structure. I cannot blame them, i need to take responsibility for my own slave side here. I know how to get back to where i started. I owe it to Him, and to myself.

Will He be in my life? I don’t know, i have done nothing to give Him reason to stay. I can only offer the deepest apology, and i felt public was best. Only because showing how disgraceful i have treated Him, how unserving i have been , this IS true humiliation, and degradation for me,to show it publicly. i would not do this except to try to hope there is some shred of something worthy in me.  That He can find it, wants to find it. i am willing to truly submit, give myself 100%, talk when He says, show Him full respect, serve Him how He wants to be, and offer myself to Him to use as He sees fit.  My sub friends were never on my side about any of my choices recently, they warned me to behave, and wait for Him. I did not. I am guilty. I feel like I’m bleeding on the inside. After speaking with that Master i feel more unworthy then i did before. I am broken down in my spirit, only because i forgot how wonderful it really is to serve your dominant. To see them pleased and happy. Then ,and only then , are you to truly be in a place of honor, they will put you there. As my world is right this minute, i have more questions then answers. I will wait patiently and quietly for Him to let me know where this stands. Its all i have to offer Him.Does He even want me to be a slave? Does He want a different dynamic as i have lost my way? I can only hope that He will understand these are not just words. I mean this. If he chooses to not, then it was my own undoing. I will have to live with that. But i will get back to my slave side, my true slave heart, and only let the babygirl out when she’s allowed. Keep my mind focused, and quiet. Like it should be, like it has been in the past.

Thank you for listening to a slave who had hid from the world and lost her way.


Bring me to life

I remember that i didnt feel alive, no real connection to anyone. Food seemed bland, colors were washed out. I was longing for something , and yet had no idea of what.

As of recently, when we talk, both of sharing our ideas of the world and viewpoints, i come to life. Dont get me wrong, i knew how to get through the day, wearing a smile. Polite conversation. But now, i feel alive, the air is sweet as it goes through my lungs, i wear a smile all day long. The colors are so bright, i want to walk in the rain with you. I go back over conversations or texts. I miss you when you’re gone. I look at the pictures you’ve sent me , i get to see your smile.  I see you opening up and letting me close. I feel the pain of your past, i can only promise i have no desire to be without you. Whether by chance or any reason.

Reality that is before us, there are two paths. Full healing so we can have so much more time. Or we just go one day at a time, and whatever time we have , shall count that as ours, and be grateful even for that. I must say, i know which way i want it to be, as tears appear , lump in my throat. The thought of being without you feels unbearable. Don’t go, don’t leave, is what i whisper into the wind. I hope it gets to you.

I have never felt like this before. If someone moved on, i never showed a tear, let alone think on any memories. But now with you, its much different. I don’t expect you to believe me. Watch, see for yourself, i am right where i want to be. No one keeps me here, only my heart. I enjoy where we are going, this journey together. And just think, we have only begun. I am excited to be yours. I hope you feel the same. Please don’t stop. Let me show you who i am, i want to see who you are as well.  You did bring me back to life.


Do you want me

I put makeup on so you wont  see how i don’t feel pretty.

I wish you couldn’t see my body, because I’m not a supermodel.

I do my hair , so you see the babygirl who worked hard to show you beauty.

I hide my battered heart, since i don’t want anyone to know how many times its been broken.

I wont show tears, i would much rather you think I’m as strong as metal.

I refuse to talk, what if you can hear me, or want to fix me, or call me on my bullshit.

I wont look you in the eye, what if you see my soul, and decide to stay. I been told I’m to hard to handle,up for that challenge? All have run home to mommy.

I have heard it been said that I’m evil, dark, full of venom. Its a deadly bite, will you survive.

You can do what you wish to my body, beat me, fuck me, bind me. My heart is where the real prize is,not between my legs.

As i see you still standing here, i realize you have seen me with no make up, looked upon my naked body, saw my tousled hair,wiped my tears, have gotten me to talk, pull my chin up so our eyes meet. I bit you but you did not die. You have taken my body, and then asked for my heart as well.

I guess you want me!


Love me or love me not.

You can love me, or love me not. I have made my choice about you.

The way you look at me and smile.

The way you talk so sweet to me.

The way you look out for me.

The way you catch me when i fall.

The way you know me, by looking deep into my eyes.

The way you see my soul.

The way you have pulled me closer.

The way you talk to me.

The way you get your way.

The way you get me to submit.

The way you get me to obey.

The way you give and take.

The way you do that thing you do.

I only wait for those words i long to hear from you.

Written by N.S.


Hate how you make me feel

I hate how you can say one thing, and i fly to the moon.
I hate how i cant reject you, you have this hold on me.
I hate how i cant deny my feelings for you.
I hate everything about you, or do l?
I hate how i am so vulnerable around you.
I hate how your  gaze burns me to my core.
I hate how you can control yourself around me,  your hands on my body in an embrace.
I hate how insane your kisses are, i crave more.
I hate how you smile at me.
I hate what you do to me, i feel no control.
I hate how i kneel before you ,i just fall to my knees.
I hate how important you make me.
I hate how you always save me from myself.
I hate that you chose me.
I hate when you pull me back from myself.
I hate every kind word you have ever said.
I love you for everything you are changing in me.
I love that you believe in me.
I love that you don’t give up on me
I love that you see the real me.
I love how you dominate me.
I love how you take what’s yours.
I love that you never lie to me.
I love you for pushing me to face you and myself.
I love you for not letting me have my way.
I love that you give me pain, deserved or asked for.
I love you for making me see a new side of life.

I hate you, i love you.

Collaborated N.S./S.S.