In need of my Master

Yesterday He had enough of my attitude, I heard every word He said. I was listening. I had been preoccupied with my life, and I had not been putting Him first. I was guilty. We both knew it. As He beat my ass, with every hit, the pain felt cleansing. He knows how to put me back to square one,peg one. It’s very humbling. I hadn’t realized how far I’d fallen. After He was done, it was very clear.

The tears that flowed were all about how I must have hurt Him, by not trusting Him. I do trust Him, but actions speak louder than words. Where did I lose my way?

I realized all the time we have together, things were starting to change, we have plans, we talk about the future. So, I decided, on my own, to just come up with a backup plan , but I felt I had good reason. Ill be sharing it. I didn’t say anything to my Master. I was wrong. On the other hand I felt like I needed to stop bothering Him, He’s been so busy. I can deal with my life and get my direction, on my own.

Where did this come from? For me, I  go back a few weeks. First part of the  month. Granted some things had been going on for months. Recently I asked Him, ” what do you want me to write in the card?”  He let me know, so I asked Him if He was really ready for this. He replied with, ” No, but I guess I will have to be”. This crushed me, and all my confidence in the future plans we had. In my mind I felt like I needed a plan B.  So, without asking Him any questions, I came up with plan B. It was not meant to hurt Him. But I’d been afraid of what His words meant. I wanted to believe everything He’s planned for our future, but now I was scared. What if His words meant He didn’t want anything between us to change. Did He change His mind? Did He want anything in the future? 

I’m guilty, I never asked for clarification. My reason was because if He really changed His mind about me, us, I would be devastated. I wasn’t ready to hear it. 

This only happened a few weeks ago. I started feeling like,’ get a plan together for your life, kids lives’. 

I felt very lost, not like a slave at all. I felt lonely in my thoughts, I wanted to talk to Him. I kept up making sure I was serving Him His breakfast, it makes me happy. 

Then some health problems rose up, I didn’t tell Him again, how scared I was. How much I didn’t want to feel lonely. I kept it all to myself.

I met with a lawyer so I could look into a bankruptcy. I need a break from the mounting debt. All this I shared with Him. I am more scared than ever.

I have an ex I need to ask for some help with our son. I’m to afraid to ask. I’m already stuck in my head that my ex will say ‘no’. Master did discuss this issue with me. I feel less alone, I felt better. I need direction, I need Him. 

I’ve had plenty on my plate, as per usual. He hasn’t made me feel alone, He’s just had plenty on His own plate. But as He was beating my ass, telling me what He expects from me. I felt love in that moment. His words a few weeks ago made me feel a million miles away from Him. It wasn’t until that moment that I realize I only want what He wants. I do want a life with Him. I can and will discuss everything with Him.

I love being His slave, I need Him, His guidance. I need to talk with Him, make sure I understand. We are both only human. No one is perfect. In our lifestyle communication is key. I will need Him to show me the way. 

I love you my sweet Master. I hope we can talk about all this stuff. I cherish my Masters time. I needed what He gave me. I lost my way, and lost my place. I’ve been scared.  Plus my list seems to be growing. I need direction, and care from only one person, Him.

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‘Relax’ in dominant speak, actually means:

So, life handed me lemons. A basketful, but when did I ask for lemons. And why can’t life just send a nice brownie basket, I like chocolate way better than lemons. So fuck You! Next time I find out that life is down and having a tough time I’m gonna give that mother fucker a big pile of dog shit,  let’s see life do something with that.

 Life has given me some hard stuff to do right now. I’m a bit lost. The one thing that is different right now ,for the first time ever, I’m not alone. I have no answers, no control,  but definitely not alone. That does feel good. There’s only one reason I kept a bit of control was so Daddy didn’t feel like His life and my life together were just to much for one person to handle. At least that’s what I tell myself. Recently He’s been trying to take the bits of control I keep so tight in my hand. He’s bigger than me, stronger than me, so I guess I’m not gonna win this part either. As long as I can remember I’ve done this alone. My usual thing when I get to this point is to push everyone away, yell at my peeps cuz I’m stressed and only have lemons. But then it hits me , ‘I’ve got lemons!’ it’s drinking time. But I am pretty sure these things will not be happening anymore. 

I’m really at a crossroads. I need guidance, I need to be quiet so I can listen. I need support. I need to know the plan, wait… i don’t have one. I feel as I’ve already lost the last little bit of control in the world that I hung onto. How did He even know I kept this teeny, tiny bit for myself? I can feel Him all around me, swooping in to pick up the last shred that’s about to leave my hands, it was the last piece He needed of me. How can He do that, doesn’t He need me to have some control, to be in control, to help in the control of things?

I am usually careful to not use that word near Him, control… last night I swear it just passed through my lips without any hesitation. Master, I’ve felt I’m losing all control of things in my life. How I think He feels about this:

I felt like He perked right up, listened intently. He loves That I have lost all control, what dominant doesn’t. I feel as He’s been patient, waiting for this final moment. That I have no answers without Him. That I’m lost without Him. I don’t think He’s happy that life is hard for me right now, He always wants me happy. But I do think He loves that I must admit to Him and myself that I must take a step back, fall to my knees before Him, as I can go no further on my own. I’m at the weakest point again, for me. I just don’t want to  fall apart just to find my strength,  yet this time I will find His instead,  waiting for me to wear His strength all around me. Sheath myself in Him alone. Think as He wants me to think. Move from this crossroads as He depicts the step and purpose. This is most scary and adventurous for me. As anytime I’ve been at this point with anyone in the past they have failed me. I don’t see my previous Master failing. 

As I kneel before Him now, waiting for Him to give direction, I feel empowered, but not of my own strength, I have none.  I can feel Him, as He permeates every inch of what is His property. I have no doubt that He is picking up all the control I’m losing. I know He won’t be giving it back unless there would be some purpose for me to have it. He has waited most patiently for this moment. Not to harm me, but to rightfully claim what is His. I am. I am His. I was His in body and soul, the moment He held out His hand to me I have those away to Him, but I held onto my mind. I felt I could hide this from Him, that He somehow needed my help . He has waited most patiently. He did not dig a hole for me to fall in, He did not trap me , nor entice me to give in. No, He did better… He sat there patiently waiting for my time to end. He seemed to know I had a time limit on handling things. How did He know? 

This is the one thing He keeps repeating. Just relax. I keep tearing up, He says relax. I keep feeling like I can’t breathe, He says relax. I keep trying to figure out how to make all these decisions, He just keeps saying relax. So I’m thinking that dominants have a language all there own, and that Relax actually means: 

  • Give up control to all that troubles you, I can be trusted that I’ve got this. This is you and me together, but only one of us will be in control and babygirl it’s not you. I’ve never needed your help. Babygirl as your Daddy I’m more than capable of holding all this together, so let me do my job as the leader, as the dominant, as Your Master, your Daddy. We are in this together,  but you just lost all control, now you must listen to my words. Wait for My direction. Enjoy our lives together but only on my terms. you are most loved and treasured, but time has come and you need to just ‘relax’ and do only your part in this which is to be my slave, my babygirl forever. Daddy loves you, Daddy has been patient.  Now listen to me, as I decide where life takes us. No more trying to control anything in our lives. You did lose all control, you’re not getting any back. 

    Wow, what a man! For the first time I’m ok as He pushes me out of my comfort zone. As I know He has my hand. I know He’s not going anywhere. I won’t feel lost anymore.

    Thank you Daddy♡

    How blonde am I? Let’s find out!

    I’m sharing this story not to make fun of myself, but to come to terms with I’m a blonde. I’ve tried to hide it for years. I’m of a rare type. Blonde with brown eyes. I wish I had blue, but no such luck. 

    Years ago where we lived, we found a dollar store. These were a new concept then. Mostly owned by Chinese people, or middle eastern people. Not like today’s dollar stores. But nonetheless they were very cool. You could buy anything for a dollar. I’m also Jewish, so I was thrilled! With my very young boys in tow I made my way to the ‘dollar store’. 

    My daughter wasn’t even born yet. My boys were 1 and 5 years old. There were 4 aisles and I had to see it all! My 5 yr old asked if he could go look at the toys. I didn’t see the problem, take my time to find great deals. He goes his way, and his younger brother and myself our way.

    As I’m shopping, I hear a child crying. The older Chinese man is sounding upset, “where you mama?” was all I heard a few aisles away.  I recognized  the voice of the  child answering, its my son. I leave the aisle I’m on and go to him. He’s in tears. He swears he couldn’t find me. I’m trying to soothe my son, and deal with the dirty looks and attitude from the older man who owns the store. I take my child by the hand, leave the basket of goods I found. I’m actually curious as to when did he try to look for me? As I’m talking to my son, I keep stressing that there was only 4 aisles. How did he not see me. My son has no answers but still clearly distraught over not finding me.

    A week later I try it again. We go into the store and I’m already for finding some bargains!  Can’t wait.  My son asks again, if he can go look at the toys. I let him know there are only 4 aisles so I guess it will be fine, come find me when you’re done. My youngest son and I go off to see the 4 aisles. 

    So a bit later, 10 mins maybe, I hear a child crying. I’m sure it’s not mine I told him to come find me. Let him know there was only 4 aisles. I hear the older Chinese man ask the child, “where you mama?”. I hear the child answer the man, lo and behold it’s my son. Again? What the hell? I go to my child. This time I get a lot of crap from the Chinese man, and his wife. I’m ready to crawl under a shelf, why on earth is my child doing this to me? How can he not find me, THERE’S ONLY 4 AISLES for gods sakes. I take my sons hand and we leave again. This time I’m clearly upset and now I’m questioning my son, like it’s the Spanish inquisition. I want answers damnit.  

    It takes me about a month to want to go back. I figure I’ll give the Chinese couple time to forget this ever happened, twice. I figure by now they might have my picture up about not letting me in their store after all this. 

    It’s a month later. I tell my 5 yr old son to hold my hand ,do not let go. Do not ask to go look at toys, we will do it together after I’ve looked around. He tries to speak, I cut him off, tell him to stay quietly at my side, no drama this time. He tries to speak again, I look sternly at him and he goes quiet. Ahhh, I’ve established authority, I’m the parent! Oh Yeah! I’m doing great this time. I hear a child crying, I look down at my side, take a deep breath as I see my 5 yr old by my side, I’m beaming with pride now cuz it’s not my son. I hear the Chinese man say, where you mama?” But there’s only crying. I look to my other side, I start to panic , “wheres your brother?” My son starts to answer, and shyly says, ” I was trying to tell you but you wouldn’t let me talk”. I go find my son, I pick him up give a dirty look to the Chinese man and take my boys out of the store. I vow to never go back. I didn’t. Now my boys are 20 and 24, they remember this quite well. Even when we pass the empty store where the dollar store used to be. They look at me and say, “there’s only 4 aisles”. We all laugh, well it did have only 4 damn aisles. How the hell do you lose me with only 4 aisles? Not the brightest bunch!lol

    Ahh memories in the corners of my mind. Stop singing It! 

    ☆babygirl

    How the fuck did he do that???

    Ok, so I leave at a reasonable time with a friend of mine,  Lee. We take his son home.  We leave my house at just before 8pm.

    I’m on my phone texting friends, putting memes in my phone. I’m so NOT paying attention.  Not until Lee says
    “Hey. Put on your GPS were lost, there was so much damn construction I got lost”

    Me laughing,  says: ” how the fuck did you do that?” Still laughing my ass off!

    Now, before we left my home I had to pee,  but my thought was, the kid lives close, 20 mins we will be back. As I’m writing this blog post, we are still driving, it became a 2 hour trip, but my GPS saved the day! Even with mountains around us, I did fear my GPS might not work, but if you want something bad enough, and your heart is pure,  you will get that!

    Good, cuz according to my GPS we will be home in 15 mins, and I really really really have to pee!

    But the signs of ‘watch for horses’   have to admit a bit unnerving! Would they really wreck his car, we are low on gas, no lights, no food, only 1 NOS drink ,his. Would anyone ever find us again?

    Thank goodness I have a phone with GPS that works! 

    Lee, I love ya but you’re a dumbass!

    Still laughing… it was a nice Sunday drive, to bad it was dark as shit and couldn’t see a damn thing! What a night!

    I need to pee!  Laughing is not helping…

    For anyone near Az, we wound up near usery pass. Wow!

    ♡babygirl

    Update: I finally got home, and got to pee!

    Feeling loved, fucked well, and guilty

    The last few days were so good. My Daddy came over to spend time with me, two days in a row. The reason it’s a big deal, is that my Daddy is usually so very busy. I respect that, but I miss Him too.

    How weds went: like any other day, except that in Az it was raining. I was sending Daddy meme’s and naughty photos. My usual thing to do! I love sending Daddy things that show much I love Him, horny I am, or just to get Daddy more horny! I’m naughty like that.When He came in the house, I was already waiting for Him in slave position, being the good Daddy that He is used me any which way He wanted. He started out by lovingly having me open my mouth for His cock, while still in slave position,  and some kisses from Him too. Once He is ready for to release that position He always puts His hands out to help me up. He them ordered me to be on the bed, and He started giving it to me good, but in a naughty way, not the like a sweet and nice way, He knows my body is His to use as He pleases, and oh fuck does He!!! He used me over and over ,my body is shaking, I can’t take one more minute, I’m out of breath, freshly fucked hard, and loving every minute of it.  Damn He’s good at that. He held me afterwards and we talked for a bit. I love my Daddy!

    How Thurs went:  Daddy was working til late , let me know He has a few things to take care, then He would be over and He was mine all night!! Yay! Once Daddy walked in, He was trying so hard to hide that He was tired,  He was wanting us to have time together, outside of ghe bedroom. That was so lovely, but my Daddy was tired. There was no way I wanted to add more on that. I do love staying home and watching netflix too. So we did that, talked for a bit, kissed. I was in a very strange head space ,as my best friend had just broke off his engagement and was very upset. It was hard to not feel guilty that I have everything with my Daddy,  while I am watching my friends life unravel. We will get back to that…

    I think Daddy noticed to. How He knew what I needed, I will never know. But oh my god! Daddy and I usually fuck like there’s no tomorrow.  We are great at sex! Sex with Daddy is fun! But last night was probably the second time that we didn’t have sex, we made love. Yes, there’s a difference.  He’s much more gentle, each thrust is for pleasure not pain, I can feel Him on top of me, His weight on me is comforting. They way He looks into my eyes as He is thrusting inside. It’s breath taking, in a different  way. I so needed that. It was beautiful. But then something changed. Daddy was getting more horny, I was too. You could feel this animalistic urge come up from the depths of us. Like our bodies were saying, ‘ ok,  you made love, now let’s fuck’ and it was on. Daddy had me cumming  so hard, and over and over. Now I’m multi orgasmic but this was harder and deeper. Oh fuck! Daddy brought it on. He was thrusting so hard, my body was shaking and moving, it was like watching the exorcist but without spewing green vile. Fuck! He kept going, but then He sent me over the edge, He started playing with my clit while He was thrusting. Oh God, oh Fuck! He kept that up for sometime. I couldn’t take anymore. My body was wanting a break. The wrong move happened, I moved away from Him.

    Rule #1, never move away from Daddy. He was mad and all over that in seconds. Picked me up, moved me around. My back was to Him, He bent me over the bed. I knew what was coming for pissing Him off. He violated my ass. It was painful, He made it painful. Til I couldn’t take it one more second. I was so very very sorry for moving away from him. Oh yeah, very sorry. 

    I found myself feeling guilty. I was having the time of my life with my Daddy, but my friend was having the worst day ever. I was in love with Daddy, and my friend just lost in love. I get to plan my life with my Daddy,  and my friends life is being uprooted and unresolved. 

    By this afternoon,  I found my happy place again. My Daddy is everything to me. I don’t want to feel guilty for being so happy.  I do feel for my friend, but then I feel so lucky, so blessed, so happy. I never know how I got such a great Daddy. Fate? I don’t know. But I do enjoy my life now, especially  with Daddy in it.

    Thank you Daddy♡