Do I want these things?

As Daddy and I were recently talking ,He wondered if I wanted these things:

I’ll admit when I got married the first time I  didn’t get most of these things. No ring, no beautiful wedding, no honeymoon. But I also didn’t get married for love. Things with Daddy are much different, I took my time to make sure He is the person I really wanted in my life. I didn’t rush into anything. I do want a future with Him. Question is, do I really need all those things, or just exist peacefully under the same roof with the man I love and that would be enough?

I gotta say, I never saw myself getting married again. But the idea of marrying someone who loves me, wants me in their life for more than just sex is wonderful! We have tons in common. I want to serve Him. I love our family. We just fit together perfectly. It works so well without the ring,wedding, marriage now…

Ahh , but the romantic in my soul sees all the things I’ve never had and wants them! As long as He does! It would be nice to have something wonderful with Him, as long as He feels the same way!

So there’s your answer Daddy❤️

Do you know what suffering really is…

I do. Since my completely horrible life with my ex from hell. 2 separations. I was the dumbest woman in the world to go back. Even after dating my daughter’s father, not long, just long enough to feel I needed validation as a woman ,get knocked up, and it was over.

Moral of my story: be careful who you keep in your life, be even more careful with whom you choose to have children with.

The law has never been on my side. Not when I was an abused wife. Not when my children saw and heard so much. County that I live doesn’t believe in domestic violence, it’s a Christian area. They only believe I wasn’t a good wife. Nevermind his cheating,blaming, all the abuse, none of it mattered. Not even broken ribs, not with his handprints on my throat. 

Once I finally grew the balls to leave, I ran! I wanted freedom. But I didn’t know there would be casualties. I would pay dearly for those. My son would turn 18 in only so many years, and then I would get guardianship, and I did. He’s special needs. But the one that broke my heart, was my daughter. 

See, my ex promised to give me my kid. But in the state where I live all his underhanded bullshit got him the right to stay in my daughter’s life. He’s not not her biological father, he’s a different man and in her life. But the law in AZ let this asshole have time with my daughter. He helped raise her. Since no Police Dept would ever make any statements about domestic violence, all I had in court was my word. The judge wouldn’t even listen to the children, as his lawyer said I’d messed with their minds and turned them against him. None of it true. The kids hated him for all the reasons I left for. 

I thought with divorce I’d be free. I wasn’t. I was legally tied to this man forever. My daughter will turn 18 and finally get to go do her life away from him. She’s seen me fight my ass off in court to get her. My war brought new prisoners of war. There will be no treaty for release. He refuses to let her go only to hurt me. 

Every week it kills me just a little at a time. I want to drink but I fear I won’t stop this time. What kind of life is that.

I try not to remind myself that it’s a man’s world, they all get what they want/desire. My ex wants me broken. I am, deep inside where my heart weeps for all that we’ve gone through. I’ve sat in the aftermath once the dust settled. I lost the war. I have my daughter,sort of. To have to hold her while she cries. 

After divorce I thought about going back, not for love, to keep her safe. I wasn’t sure I’d be alive long enough to protect her, I was right. My ex had put a hit on my life. Still no jail time. Still all the same suffering. It sure is a man’s god damned world. And you can all have it, I only want one thing , my daughter. 

Yesterday, I picked up my son . He’s  in his 20’s now.  Even Special needs I want him to go far in life. The man in my life has helped me push my son. I see a future for him.

Yesterday, I wanted to see my daughter,give her a kiss and hug before I left. I was denied that. She looked at me, I looked at her thru the glass of his truck, both of us with tears as he and his friend drove off with MY DAUGHTER. She put her head down, never answered any of my texts . I stopped sending them after midnight.

I want to yell, scream, hurt him as he’s been killing me but that only gives him purpose. I text her that I love her. I will continue to fight for her til my dying breath, or she turns 18, whichever comes first. 

I have not ever hated on a level like this in my life. I refuse to talk to god, if you love ppl so much then give me my daughter. It’s been 4 years, we have two to go. I hate him, I hate him with every breath I take , I hate his smug look as he drives off with her week after week. I hate the law. I hate courts. I hate lawyers. I hate , I hate ,I just hate…

If you know my pain, then you get it. If you are like my asshole ex holding a kid hostage just to make more pain, go fuck yourself. You deserve a slow painful death. I’d spit on you and your grave. You aren’t fit to call yourself a person. You are human waste.

Now my other side. I look in the mirror, put make up on , go to work. I have a nice life, great kids, a loving boyfriend. I love my friends. I cook, clean, do laundry. I look just like you. I shop, eat, swim, read, write. But no one knows my secret. 

I am a hater. I have no regrets hating you so much. I hate you much that if you were crawling across the hot desert dying of thirst, and I had the last glass of water, I’d pour it out in front of you. Not one drop for you. Why? Cuz you deserve that. 

I’ve asked myself will I ever get over this. No, it’s been to much damage you’ve caused you self centered prick. 

After an accident in 2012, it changed me. I can no longer hold anger or hate for very long. Within hours I’m happy again. I think I’m broken, my kids say it’s great cuz I was the angriest human alive. Mainly because I can’t get one day back. I went back, twice. I didn’t fight back hard enough. I’m a loser, do I have my daughter? No.  I even pay other ppl to take her to my ex cause I work and I don’t want to see my ex. But she has to. Try living with that everyday. Just to keep focused on my hate I have to write it down before my memory tears thru the hate and I’m happy again. I hate my brain. I want to stay angry.

When the man I love says I’m beautiful, I see a monster who hates. When he says I’m a great mom, I try to be, but explain that to my daughter who put all her trust in me and I failed and she nearly took her own life. When the man I love wants a life with me, I wonder why, I’m broken. Do I really have anything to give? My love. But is that enough. Will He one day just wake up and realize I was the wrong woman. Now I don’t get that time back either. Can I handle marriage? He’s brought it up. I don’t always see the pint of marriage, maybe one day I will see value in me, as He does. My friends and my kids say to let Him save me from myself. How do I do that? They are glad I’m still with Him after nearly 2yrs. But stuff in His personal life feels like it’s pushing me very hard. My friends and kids say to hang on tight, this is the guy for my forever. That He can put me back together, He will love me no matter what. That we belong together. I felt it already. But thanks for the pep talk. 

All I see is a shell of a person. I’m trying to survive my own apocalypse. I’m drained of life most days. I can’t handle the thought of, will someone try to hurt me again. You made me your safe place. That is so foreign to me. I can’t be, I’m toxic and full of hate. 

Now you know what suffering is.

I didn’t believe in happy endings

As I’m telling my bff all about my week, I decide it’s to negative, I need to put out some positive vibes and now. I hate it when ppl are only negative with me, now I’m doing that to myself, no no no.

The positive stuff was great things going on. Kids are doing great, except a few are sick, no big. Our littlest one did fall and hit her head, she’s gonna be fine! So happy. I’m getting some job offers! But when my bff asked how Daddy and I are doing, I stopped dead in my tracks. I get quiet. Tears well up in my eyes, my voice is shaky. She starts thinking the worst. I smile at her thru my tears that are just ready to fall down my cheeks.

She demands an answer from me, I’m overwhelmed and choke on the words. I start again, “He believes in me”. She smiles back at me, hugs me. I say, ” there’s tons to tell you!”  I have never been treated like that before, not in my life. I’m not sure I deserve it. But He’s talking about big things, scary things like meeting His family, that’s huge to me. He’s reminded me a lot ‘we’ will get thru all of this together. He keeps asking me what’s wrong. Well I’m scared to death of how things in my life are going ,but He’s been right by my side this whole time. He’s not wavered. He’s been my Master, my Daddy, my best friend, and my soulmate. He’s been strong for me. He’s been my rock, my shoulder to cry on even as He’s been guiding us all. He’s been in control, so much so that I haven’t wanted to drink all the alcohol in the world. Him having that power has been so freeing and wonderful for me. I have such deep respect. I’ve spent much time right now in babygirl mode, He’s allowed it! The slave in me is there, but the woman in me is struggling to find the courage one more time to get shit done. I’m trying to stay motivated. I’m trying to keep my eyes on Him.”

There was so much more to say, but trying to find the words to describe Him, nearly impossible. If I can’t tell Him how I feel, how will He know? Does He truly understand that my love for Him drives me each day? Probably not. Or that I’m trying not to count the minutes til He and I get to wake up to each other each morning! I can hardly wait, it feels more tangible then ever now. 

It’s been a long wait , but it was worth every second. We know each other so well. I know what He wants/needs without any words. He’s the same way with me. I’m the luckiest babygirl in the world. I have the love of the most amazing man ever. I get to spend the rest of my life with Him. One day I get to take His name even if it’s only 2 letters off from mine,lol. Plan a life with Him! My god I love this man. I’m so thankful He loves me beyond words too. That He even wants the job of taking care of me and all the kiddos. Believe men like Him don’t come along everyday. I’m looking forward to our future! 

I always thought Disney got it all wrong, that there were  no happy endings, but I found mine, or He found me???

Daddy’s babygirl
Hope you all had wonderful holidays!! Now it’s a new year, with new hope. 

Problems? We ain’t got no stinkin problems.

Today is about problems within your bdsm relationship and how we deal with them. My girlfriend’s each have a different area of their lives that is challenging right now. That’s reality. Even those crazy vanilla people have problems to. But within bdsm we are supposed to be more connected, deepen our communication, make the Dom, or sub more important so we can avoid problems.

Funny thing, no matter what, life hands you lemons. It’s what you do with them that counts. OK, so vetting is one thing, and in bdsm we definitely encourage it. Take the time to see if this is the person for you. Can you be in charge of this sub/slave? Can you submit to this Dom? These are great questions, but many only see the sex side, and forget that a real relationship is forming. Put sex aside, if you can’t ,at least in your mind so you can be real with yourself. Do you really belong with this person? My true thoughts here : is that you will need 3-6months to truly answer that question. No one can hide their true self forever, and don’t lie to yourself. Some of you knew it was wrong from the start(anyone can tell, you’re in denial). 

I know in the wonderful world of bdsm, it’s damn hard to wait for “the one”. But I’m gonna say it! Yep, it’s so worth it! My Daddy is “the one”. A bit of advice, you CAN find ‘ the one’ , and still fuck it up. So take your time. If you’re planning long term, then taking your time just makes sense. I’ve trained subs/slaves for a long time. The hardest part was telling them everything I’m writing here, to have it fall on deaf ears. They would be collared in weeks, maybe a month. Yes, I have a problem with that. It’s the equivalent to an engagement ring, would you get engaged after weeks with someone, I’m hoping the answer is no. These same women come crying to me pretty fast, that it didn’t work out and I trained them wrong. Nope, I’m not responsible for your victim shit.

What went wrong so fast? Well, do you really know each other. Did you accept that person and all their baggage? If you want any relationship, you must realize we ALL have baggage. Unless your Dom/sub has been on a deserted island for many years , highly unlikely, then we all come with baggage. For the relationship to work, you must be comfortable enough to unpack that baggage, and both sort it all out. First, get past the honeymoon phase, usually 3-6 months. If you can get to that point and you still respect each other, the passion is alive and burning, you have a chance.

This is no ordinary relationship. If you have or are a Dom, you’re in charge of this crazy train. Hopefully you’ve weighed it all and feel you want the sub before you, her baggage too. As his/her Dom you will require him/her unpack and start moving on from the past. Set her up to be the best she can be. The Dom sets the tone , rules, structure, boundaries within this relationship. So it’s up to the Dom to present to you have He/She wants the relationship. Yeah subbies, you might get many choices, or any at all.  If He is kind ,He will want to know your thoughts on how you feel. He still has final say. My own Daddy will ask for my real thoughts, so if I’m questioning anything, confused, or feel I’m not wanting something in my life well ,we talk. I usually ask for time to think, He has granted that each time, He knows I’m a thinker. He knows when I’m ready I will ask to talk soon. I always know He is listening to me. I also know His word is final say. If at any point I can no longer serve Him, I’m free to walk away, but He would rather I communicate first. Since I suck at communication I do try my best to respectfully say what I need to say, in hopes that He’s listening and can guide me if I’m not correct in how I see things,Which is my turn to listen. We aren’t perfect, but we’ve come a long way!

As the sub, remember you serve. Can you serve on your good days and bad days too. There is no difference to the Dom in your life. He will want to know why you’re not yourself, Dom/sub, we are all human, but you still serve Him. I can only think of a few times you’d be excused from serving, at least for a bit. 

1. You died, jk. A family/friend died

2. You had a baby

3. You’re sick as a dog

4. There could be a few more, but nothing comes to mind.

Can a sub really deal with serving even when it feels the world is against you. Because that’s what you’re signing up for. I get to hear subs complain, “He treats me like I’m His indentured servant”. My first thought , ‘ I’m not surprised’, but you are,why? We made it clear what a submissive is/does. If you romanticized it, or thought it wasn’t really like that, who’s problem is that?

In the lifestyle, we have vanilla times/ moments. But we are still fully lifestyle. Even after my surgery, my Master wanted to know how I was doing, when would I be myself again. Was He being selfish,No,I am His. We are not vanilla, although while I healed we had some vanilla moments. His actions before/ after surgery showed me how much He loves me, His property. And I was focused on getting better quickly, I love to serve, it gives me purpose. I am happy when I can do for Him. He can count on me. Are we perfect, not by a long shot, but we are very good together, we balance each other very well. And after all this time together, that’s promising. We couldn’t fake it this long, OK a complete psycho could, but we are normal kinky ppl.

When I hear issues from friends, my first thought is, ‘ go talk to your dominant’. I do listen, but I will want you to do the work that our lifestyle requires. ‘ is this the real problem?’ , ‘ is there something underlying going on instead?’ ‘what is your struggle really about?’. I don’t like excuses, I like working on it. I like to think first, especially in my own life. I ask myself if this is why I’m really upset. Think it through. 

I do like the concept of living together first before anything to permanent. Do you really belong together? Where do squeeze the toothpaste from? Do you talk or fight? Can you clean up after your dominant day after day? ( Even after a hard day at work). How will you balance Dom/work/kids? ( Or is calgon just gonna take you away each night). It’s hard to get upset with your dominant when you signed up for this life. You knew what you were getting into, now you’re trying to act like a victim. Nope. Can you imagine if you got married to quickly? You would have to stick it out, or go get divorced, but there were answers right before your eyes, you ignored them. 

I guess you lied to yourself. You lied to your SO. You don’t have follow thru, or you watched 50 shades. Sorry subbies not every Dom is a millionaire, or gonna let you call the shots. You really will be serving Him, cleaning/dusting/vacuuming/ doing laundry/dishes/cooking/ entertaining/ raising kids , in His castle. 

In our lifestyle it’s not up for debate, it’s not a democracy, it’s the Dom’s way or no way. Now hopefully you took your time and got the right Dom for you. Not a fake or phony. Someone looking for a victim, or  He’s an abuser. This is your life, plan it well. Keep in mind, we all have our way of doing things, we all have problems. In the lifestyle we should be working on those problems, and any that come up in the relationship. How you communicate and work things out, should tell you a lot. Will you and your dominant last a long time? I hope you can honestly say yes. 

Problems will show up from time to time. It’s how you and your dominant tackle them together that counts. Just keep in mind, no one is perfect. But two ppl who want the same things, grow together, listen, and find their balance in our lifestyle have a great chance at succeeding. 

Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah ( Starts tonight!).

– His babygirl

Terrified of love

I have really given this a lot of thought. I am terrified, but why? For starters, I hate the thought that anything could happen to Him, and I could be alone. Things that go thru my mind: could He ever fall in love with His ex again, I’ve seen it many times that a person will go back , and not necessarily for love but for the kids. I have even had a few ask me to wait til there kids were 18 , nope. You do what you need to do, no hard feelings from me, but I won’t be waiting in the wings. 

I’m afraid He could be in another horrible accident, and well you know… That is a scary thought, He’s wrecked on his motorcycle before. I refuse to be like women I know; “if you love me/our family then you won’t ride”. Nope, that’s not me either. I don’t want Him to stop being Him, reason I fell in love with Him! Everyone has an expiration date, I can only hope we get 50 yrs together!

I worry about not being enough. What if someone hotter, skinnier gets His attention? Ok, I ‘was’ afraid of this, but something in me changed one day.i don’t want an actual open relationship, but I do like threesomes. I have some boundaries that no bitch should cross, but other than that I’m good. How did the other change? Well, I feel that if some girl can actually take His mind off me, what we have together, then it was never meant to be. Cheating is a choice. 

Let’s say, everything is perfect. He only wants me, dreams about me. Wants a life and a future together. Have some threesomes, but i am the woman at His side, loving Him, taking care of Him. He is my world. Maybe married someday, now how do I feel…scared. What if I’m not enough. What if I the biggest regret to Him. Has He really seen every side of me to make such a choice. What if at some point i can’t fulfill my duties as His slave/babygirl. What if I just need a break from the lifestyle? I do that from time to time. I put it in a pretty box, on a shelf, in my mind. I always come back to it. but what ifs are on my mind lately. He keeps saying little things,” when we live together…” I get it, it’s soon. I don’t ask what soon means, not because I’m not curious, or don’t care, not looking forward to this. I am! I want everything with Him. I just do more ‘what ifs’.

What if He hates how I decorate our home.

What if I can’t really cook, and my kids just lied and said it was good all these years cuz they were hungry.

What if I lose my looks as I age, will He still want me

What if His friends, family, or His club doesn’t like me

What if His kids don’t bond with me, like mine have with Him.

What if we fight and argue, I’m not big on that, so I know it would damage me

What if He wants to change me, will it be good for me, or will I resent Him

What if He ever cheats on me, it would kill me. I’ve been cheated on by former men in my life, it stung. But He would kill me, He’s my first real love of my life. He holds the key to my heart, the knife too. 

I deserve to be loved, past men and exes taught me that I was nothing, get used to being cheated on. There was nothing special or wonderful about me. I am nothing but a place to put a cock in where a guy wants. But my Daddy changed all that. He gave me value, worth, a crown. As I’m seated on the right of my King. I don’t always feel noble, I’m still a slut with no real worth in my head. But He makes it all wonderful since He doesn’t say or do things that change that. There really is no one else in this world who gets me, like He does. Has taken the time to talk to me, listen to me, as He does. He gives me the most beautiful gifts, I am not sure I’ve done anything to deserve them, but I love them. He’s the greatest man to me, in my heart. There is none other that could ever do what He’s done, He’s done the impossible, made me learn to love myself. I’m not conceited,but I can now look in the mirror and see some value. I feel love coming from Him, I feel it all around me. When I think of all He’s done for me, my kids, I feel so small in this life. I don’t think I can match what He’s done. I will always try, He deserves me to give my best. 

What if my best isn’t good enough, He’s still here. So maybe He sees my heart and can feel how much I love Him, care about Him, think about Him, miss Him, pray for Him. He really is my everything!

– His babygirl

My Master, the most wonderful man ever

My Master/Daddy really is the most wonderful man. Tonight we had dinner together, I try to listen but He’s sexy as hell, I really wanted to just throw the food on the floor and fuck His brains out. I didn’t. I’m trying to be more ladylike, which is what He had wanted. 

I figured while I’m in pain right now, I should take the opportunity to show restraint, be kind , do as He says. I’m hurting so much I don’t think there’s much brat in me right now. I’m not in a very slave place, my mind wants to be, but my body is in pain and so worn out. I’m really am giving it my best.

Tonight, my Master let me know how proud He is of me. I was bewildered, just lost. How on earth could He be proud of me? I’ve done nothing worthy of Him being proud. I did listen to Him. He explained why He’s proud of me. To be honest, I really needed to know. I have felt like such a failure lately, not being able to take care of my Master like I usually do. He’s everything to me. 

I am trying to not feel sorry for myself. I know I won’t feel like this forever. I will soon be back to my slave self. I’m so thankful I have such a great Master. He’s been here for me the whole time, by my side. That’s a first for anyone in my life, besides my kids and my girls. He’s surprised me so much through this. Each time anyone asks how things are going right now, I get teary while I’m talking about Him. He’s one in a million. Its such an honor to be His💞 I’m the luckiest babygirl in the world! 
Thank you Daddy, you are the most precious Master. 

– your kitten Sir

Sweet thoughts♡

As you know I’m on board! In my head is this new thing going on. Weddings thoughts, colors, flowers, table scales, destinations, omg… He started This! 

While talking to a friend yesterday,  she’s going at the speed of light with romantic things. It makes me nervous that some people would ever go so quickly with something so important. This is the rest of your life. 

Here’s my thinking, I know it went wrong the 1st time. I get to correct it now, do it right. Divorce is not in my vocabulary,  I’m not wanting Him out of convenience or He seems like a good idea at the time. No, I will be His forever because I followed my heart♡ He is the only man who has been able to capture my attention, I haven’t been bored one day. I don’t notice other men. I still get butterflies when He walks through the door. I love to take care of Him after a long ,hard day at work. He’s all mine to just adore and serve.  Even if only for a few hours, the time He’s with me is all mine! One day it won’t be like this. And I do all things possible to show Him my heart full of love for Him.
This is where I’m thankful that He wasn’t wanting lightning fast. It would have bothered the shit out of me. I probably would have left in a hurry. There would have been a hole in the door in the shape of a babygirl, literally. 

It took me a while to climb on board and get with His program, but I’m fully there! I needed a long time between us to see if He was really staying. He’s still here! I’m so happy and excited about that. I know He said He wasn’t going anywhere, but those were just words. I needed the action. He’s proved to me time and again, if He’s says something I can most definitely take it to the bank! 
He’s the most wonderful man ever! The thought of spending the rest of my life with Him makes me smile, even if I’m the only one in the room. I love that He goes at a pace I can keep up with. I can hardly wait to see where we will be in our journey in 3yrs, 5yrs, 10yrs… and well you get It! A long happy life together.

To my friend, I love her dearly. But my best advice is if this person is everything you want, everything you’ve been looking for ,then take your time. I never see a reason to rush, not on something that should last forever.  I can only hope you don’t go to fast. But this is me. The romantic Libra in me, loves the idea of you meet, He sweeps you off your feet, you marry quickly. But this sort of thing happens in the movies , in real life I put the romantic ‘me’ away and stay focused, forever is a long time and I am wanting to do it right.  

This was not what I ever expected.  He knows that. But I’m so happy things have fallen into place one step at a time. I never saw myself marrying again. But it’s such a big deal to me to do this right. I don’t want anything but a fairytale ending, to my sweetest life ever. All because of Him!