As my mind wanders

The drive was a long one, but worth it. I found something for Daddy’s birthday and I really wanted it! The store near me didn’t have it, so they gave me the closest store, it was far, but I know I’m going! Took the boys with me! girls were doing other things, Daddy was busy, so off we go…

As we drive thru a part of the next town, we were in the area of 4 homes we had lived in. My mind started going fast like a movie, it was scenes in each home and how violent our lives were back then. It was my ex, the monster. He hides it so well from the world, but underneath he’s really a big piece of shit, as far as human beings go. No one who meets him thinks he’s capable of all he put us through, but we aren’t crazy, and we did survive.

The fighting, yelling, hitting, bruises, screaming, and tears. How each of us suffered ( me and 3 kids). We were lost, and never thought it would stop. But I didn’t know the memories were still there, not all of them. Plenty were blocked. My boys started remembering how bad our lives had been. If you ever believed in zombies, well that was the four of us once separation set in. I will never know how I got out, I just knew I needed out. I’m still alive!

None of us had any idea how to do this life, figure out this world. I was the leader, so it felt up to me to make the first move. 

* Side note* when you are trying to get free from a sociopath narcissist nothing is easy, after 8 years we all still have some fear of his wrath. We know what he’s capable of, you have no idea.

Today is a new and wonderful time in our lives. We made it out of hell. Well most of us, three of us to be exact. One is still stuck by a parenting plan, but plz sweet girl hang on, I’m trying to save you. I really am. I need some hope, so does she.

The only hope we have really have, has been since my Daddy started taking over my life. I was this shell of a person, He showed me things I’ve never seen before. He treats me as I’ve never been treated before. I’m always grateful that even if we disagree He still loves me, He doesn’t hurt me mentally, emotionally, physically.He wants me to be fine. But I don’t think He has any idea how days like today make me happy that He’s here for me and the kids. We aren’t scared. Well a little maybe, but my ex is to scared himself to hurt anyone of us, since Daddy is the first man that ever wanted to stay. I feel protected,safe. We all have someone to go to now, cops never did a good damned thing to save any of us, neither did the courts.

I remember the first time Daddy stayed the night, actually for the first so many months I wouldn’t sleep much. I was so afraid He might try to kill me in my sleep, as my ex had tried so many times. I learned to not sleep, so I could stay alive. Now I sleep better when Daddy is in bed next to me, it’s the best sleep I’ve ever had! Thank you Daddy! You will never know what this means to me, that I can trust you so deeply. No one ever spent the night in my bed before, because of fear. They weren’t allowed in my home, cuz of fear. No guy near my kids , again cuz of fear. 

We were very fucked up, maybe we still are to some degree. Once Daddy arrived, I think He saw the damage, but I don’t think even now He fully gets the extent of the violence, maybe He does. I’m thankful that He doesn’t want to talk about it. He knows some, enough to know we are thankful He is in our lives. Weird thing is, we had cried to Him ” please don’t let the asshole hurt us”. I’m not sure what this does to Him when He hears our pleas. 

How does He feel about our pleas? Does He feel keeping us safe could get dangerous? How does He process all the violence we have all been thru? Does He even realize how much we owe Him for the safe feeling we have now? 

This family finally feels complete. We have a protector in our lives. If you’ve never been thru abusive hell than you won’t understand that kind of joy. 

Where it all began

I’m sitting in the same restaurant where we met at, nearly two yrs ago. Tons of  memories running thru my mind. The first look at Him, I was hooked. It was raining and I was running late, He mssgd to make sure I was still coming. Little did He know not slate, rain, hale, snow, or a tornado would have kept me from that night.

Once I arrived, He walked towards my car, in the rain. We were both wet. He was such a gentleman and opened the door for me. We stopped and waited for the lady to show us to a booth. Even as domly as He is, He motioned for me to go first. I am sure it was just to stare at my ass though! 

As we sat, I found it hard to not just get lost in His eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that sparkle. That smile.And He was so sexy, smelled like a rugged man ( my fav). He stared at me, I stared right back. I was so nervous. I also never wanted that night to end. Eventually it had to. We left,  rain had stopped by then. He walked me to my car. We made light conversation and then He pulled me in close to Him and kissed me! I was hooked. We haven’t looked back since. Fuck, that was quite a kiss too!

Nearly two years later. Wow. Right where it all started for these two ppl who had no idea they would still be together and wanting a future together. It has been such a whirlwind. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

Memories… That one night on May 15th 2015. I was so smitten!

In the blink of an eye

This is not a reg post. This is for one of Daddy’s brothers( best friend). He was in an accident last night, and his life was cut short. He leaves behind his wife and brothers. He will be missed very much so. This is Daddy’s extended family, they mean the world to him, just as me and the kids do. 

Life is never fair, so be sure you live life to the fullest each day. Enjoy your loved ones. Tell those important to you that you love them. For you may not get the chance ever again. 

Death is the most unexplainable thing we ever go through, deal with. There is no way for us to understand the universes infinite ways, therefore its something we question and must accept. We know things happen for a reason, even if we never understand that reason. For those of us left here to sort out feelings, go through memories, we are usually left with more questions than answers. It takes time to heal, but we never forget…

R. You leave behind your family and your extended family. All feel the pain of the loss of you in their lives, Not one left untouched by your passing. Just know you were loved, may that give you everlasting peace.

My sympathy ,for all who are mourning the loss of R. My heart goes out to you, especially my very own Daddy. I’m not sure how to get you through such a loss, but I’m here for you. All of you. If he was Daddy’s family, he was my family too. 

– babygirl

To see her happy

I get to go to Hawaii soon! Daddy and I are going to watch a friend of mine get married. I’m so happy and excited for her. She’s has been the one person I could always count on. No matter what. 

She’s had to do things for me that no friend should have to do, but she did and without complaint. But believe me the lectures were loooonnnnggg enough.

I met her online. Her name is ‘M’. For all purposes and keeping her privacy I will only give a letter. But make no mistake, her friendship means the world to me. The moment we met in person, nearly 5 yrs ago, I think! It’s been a while! It was like we had known each other forever. She’s fun to be around. She is also the only woman I’ve ever submitted to. ONLY WOMAN EVER. There was a good reason for that. Life with my mother and grandmother was horrific. I hated them. When M wanted control over me, I put up the fight of my life. Vowed never to ever be on my knees to serve any female. But after the accident, things changed for me. She had seen how abusive my ex was, and just how wild I behaved, so to keep me safe from myself she took control.

One dark night, I was to drunk to know better. I took a hot bath, but the bubble bath and all the alcohol I could drink (3bottles) not more like others remembered,  was enough to make me black out once I got out of the tub. I was standing one moment, the next I was waking up to someone shaking the shit out of me, asking was I ok?
‘ I would be fine if you quit shaking me’ , but at that moment I was in a very dark place. People around me screaming to others to call 911, I had passed out and hit my head pretty hard. Someone set me on the side of the tub and left me to see if 911 was called cuz I wasn’t doing so hot. I blacked out again, this time fell backwards into the tub. Hit the back of my head so hard. I woke to someone shaking me again.  Only this time I didn’t see anyone familiar.  I didn’t know the answers to the questions being asked. 911 had arrived, I had 2 blows to my head. No memory of anyone or anything.

My kids and M took care of me. She lived way across town, over an hour and a half away. So, it was up to my kids and M (Over the phone mostly, saw me when she could), to help me. No one else cared. Not all these men who acted like they cared, not all the ppl I partied with nearly every weekend. Just them. I was lost, lonely. I had no idea what was going on, who anyone was, but I was still wild.

M saw how I couldn’t be trusted at this time. So she took complete of my life. I think she expected me to fight her again but I was lost and I submitted. I wasn’t allowed to date, or meet anyone. No parties,  no alcohol, no fun. She and my kids took care of me. Reminded me who I was, who I am, tried to jog any memories. It was 6 months before anything ever came back to me. M moved me at this time, into a rental home. Got me motivated to work. I would put my head in her lap and cry. I didn’t know anything, anyone. Very few memories came back to me. I had been in a car accident several months before all of this so M got me to drs, took time off to help me go through 3 procedures. My kids were still helping to, but it was M who made me have hope.

To the present,  I am still great friends with M. I love my friend. She was always there for me, never left me. Got me through so much. I don’t submit to her any longer, not since my Daddy took over. M still checks on me and the kids. She still worries about me. She always wants the best for me. She has seen me through a lot. I have only had a few times to pay her back for all this. I get to be there when she marries the man who loves her! I’m so happy for them both! I know it’s not really in my budget but I will find a way. I need to be there for her like she has been there for me.

I love you M, always will! You are more than a friend to me. You’re family. I can hardly wait for you to finally marry the man of your dreams, lol. It took you guys long enough!

Thank you for all you’ve done for me. I don’t know how to pay you back. But I do love being friends!

-babygirl

RIP Alan Rickman/Dr. Lazarus

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Mr. Rickman, one of my favorite actors. Well he is in one of favorite movies. ‘Galaxy Quest’, died at age 69. He has such a great background of his work. I have seen a lot ,but not all.

Sad to hear that you left this world today, I don’t do death very well, especially when it’s someone I respect.  So I will just keep this short and sweet while I’m teary.

So here’s to you Mr. Rickman, we will say that stupid line one more time in your memory Sir!

“By Grabthar ‘s hammer, by the suns of Worvan, you shall be avenged ”

Good night Mr.Rickman, you will be missed.

-babygirl  ( a sad babygirl )

Something is on my mind

I am the kind of person to stuff as much crap as I can. I will deal with it later, if later ever comes. Usually some stuff comes out in my dreams. Or I just won’t sleep, I really can’t sleep. I always know the reason why. I will have alittle alcohol to wear off the affects from feeling so deeply, but You has taken that from me. I understand why, but I need a release, an outlet. I’m an overthinker, that is not good. It means I can create a problem where there are none. I wasn’t always this way, but I’ve changed. My past cannot be changed, only accepted and move on. I live with the effects of my choices each day. Since He has been kept in the dark about one thing, I can only assume, that for us to grow, or be stronger together, He may need to know. I’m just not a big talker. I won’t throw my life in your lap, I need to feel safe, comfortable to be able to talk.

Although I did try a few times , in the past, to open up. It didn’t go so well. I know He is not the person who damaged me, but He is the person who will have to guide me, help me change. I guess from talking to a close friend, that He can see potential in me. I look in the mirror , I don’t see a damn thing, other than evil, ugly, a person not worth anyone’s time. If you think you can change that , more power to you. I don’t know how much time you want to put into me. Will it be worth your time, or will you feel it was wasted. 

You remind me all the time, I’m yours. Which I love, I do need the reminder. What happens if you see the real problems in me, will you feel the same. What if you don’t like my evil past, will you stay. How much is to much to handle?

I truly didn’t think this was a problem. I could keep it locked away deep inside. My plan didn’t go as I wanted. I feel to much. Here is the crazy part, I haven’t shared it before. With a close person to me, it came out, slipped through my lips but not so easily. Now I’m left with revealing this deepest, darkest secret to you. Will you handle it the same way as the other person. Shock and awe, then acceptance, move right into it will be ok. This close person didn’t think less of me, I’m glad. But what you think and feel about me can either move me to change things for the better, or crush me like a tidal wave releasing it’s power on me. You have the power with few words as possible to make me, or break me.

The thought runs through my head, what if what I think is a big deal, just isnt. But what if it is. I never saw myself revealing this chapter in my life, to anyone. As of recently it was like a barren land. No man had set forth in that part of my mind. Now the fact that there are footsteps, makes me uneasy,  I want to retreat to my quietness before I need to ever say the words. How will you view that. How will you see me. How will you look at me. Will this part answer questions that we don’t talk of. Will this give some explanation as to whom you picked to own. Will you regret owning me.

I still want you in my life. I still want what we have. I am very happy. Will that matter. I am a libra, I need my balance back. I need my life to have color. I guess I needed to reveal everything to you at once, but I couldn’t.  I really did push this out of my mind. But with you changing things recently, emotions keep coming to the surface. Tears have found me, for no reason. Well no reason I agree with. I’m stronger than that.  I didn’t know this needed to come out to be broken, I thought I could hide it forever. Now I feel I must come to you one last time to give over another piece of me. I have nothing left inside. This eats at me, I am empty. I’m scared,I’m unsure of myself.  I need you to know, I need you to handle this in me. Break this in me, take its power over me.

I think this is why you require me to keep writing, I reveal more here than I do with words when we are together. I don’t know to say these things. But I know that you noticed the change in me. I tried stuffing back down, but it won’t stay. The tears keep coming. I try block it from my mind, but it keeps rushing back.

Help me Daddy,  show me I don’t have to be strong on my own, that you are strong enough for the both of us.

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Getting thru the holidays

This will be tough, just writing this post, the tears are in my eyes, but I’m strong enough to fight them back, at least til I go to bed then let them silently fall from my eyes,  as I miss everyone in my world, no matter how small my personal world is, it’s all mine. I hold everyone I love so close to my heart. It’s just how I am. If I love you, you get all of me.

First off, I lost my fluffy this year in Feb. It just happened so fast, her going down hill. She was 14 yrs old, would have been 15 a few months after her death.

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Here is my babygirl with my cat. She was the best cat. When I was sick, she didn’t leave my side. When the kids were gone,after divorce,  she didn’t leave me alone. Now when they go I am completely alone. I miss her. I could tell her all my secrets. She loved me without question. I miss you fluffy.

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I lost my son years ago, but the heart wrenching pain is still there. Whoever said time heals all wounds lied. It doesn’t heal all pain, you just manage it. I still long to hold him, kiss him, talk to him, know how he is doing. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. You are always in my thoughts babyboy, I miss you all the time. How many times I have wished for death to make the pain stop.

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This loss here was of my own choosing, all the people in my family are quite dysfunctional.  Being a part of their lives, well just wasn’t an option. I do miss them,  especially around holidays. The loneliest time of year.

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My cookie face! My favorite little man. How I love you so much! I will miss my sweet boy when he’s not living near me. I can’t see him when I want. This little one means so much to me.

I am not sure how this year will go. Although my Master put me on task the last time I started crying over all of these people in my life. The memories  they have given me, I hope I remember them! LoL. I have just started this Hanukkah /Christmas season and already I want to pack the tree up, dive under the covers of my bed, just get thru the holiday quietly. If I font think about the pain , then it isn’t real, right? Wrong,  it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to miss them, it’s ok to feel lonely. I just need balance. The libra in me needs balance. I did get to share my heart. My Master will probably have ideas of how to help me get thru this time, but I really want to go hibernate and hope everyone goes away. There is still a Master to care for, and more children who need me.