Happy 4th of July

Our family hopes you have a wonderful day to today celebrating Americas freedom.

Our family is having a rough time. Once she was gone, we were broken. Coming to terms with she won’t be back, has been a thought that doesn’t want to process.

We are trying to get back to normal, only for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was. What was I doing before all of this? Was I thankful everyday that I had such a great life? I find myself waking each morning I’m already in tears. If I close my eyes I see her, so why close my eyes…

I’m having a hard time eating. I go to the fridge and look around, my thoughts are “what do I want?” I know what I want, to hear the pitter-patter of little feet. She’s not in the fridge, so I close the door. I realize I’m not eating much. Food lost it’s flavor. Except BBQ.

My house is staying clean. I actually hate it now. I used to gripe each day. Toys everywhere, piles of stuff, looked like the Tasmanian devil went thru our home. If I could just have that one more day, I promise I won’t be irritated by it anymore, ever again. 

All the challenges of toddlerhood, learning to potty, the accidents, baths cuz that baby is a mess, will you please just eat, no you’re not getting candy, taking my iced tea, bedtime! You’re exhausted at the end of the day, but you smile cuz Mini me is so much fun. Damn that energy is definitely wasted on the youth!

No more seeing her dad be the human jungle gym. No more her sit by dad, put her legs up for him, say”get’em”wanting him to grab her legs, and pick her up and toss her around. When she’s sick or can’t sleep wants to snuggle up to her dad, cause she’s a total Daddy’s girl!

No more build a bear, celebrating holidays, birthdays with her. How do we get thru them? 

What’s the timeframe for moving on…I don’t want her forget her, but I’d the pain in my heart to calm down. 

I went to the store the other day, Everytime I heard a little girl laugh or cry, I had to look. What if it was her? What if this never really happened, we wake up it just felt real. 

What happens when this happens and you don’t get to say goodbye? Does she know how much we love and miss her? Does she feel gone, wonder where we are? It feels so final, it’s just over. Why couldn’t I be warned that it was coming and I needed to hold her, kiss her, cuddle her one more time. Do I have enough pictures in my phone of her.

I feel now all things we will miss. First day of school. Missing teeth. Babydolls and Barbie’s. Learning to ride a bike. Makeup. Girls night with both my daughters. Sleepovers with friends. Driving. College. Day she gets married. It’s just all gone. What would she look like? Would she still be a Daddy’s girl? 

I know I’m rambling here, but I don’t know how to say these things. We have other kids to get thru this time. Wow is this tough. People keep asking me how I’m doing, I’m numb. I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I just want to stay in bed. I have to work, the bills didn’t stop. 

I miss her ❤️

A moment of silence

I needed a moment of silence, to clear my thoughts, concentrate on whats important here. 

What’s important? Well, I am first and foremost His slave. I will find a way to be of use at this time. I will grieve but not let it stop me. That’s not what He would want. He would want us to not stuff our feelings, but also not let it stop our life. Balance.

Emotions are a tricky thing. We tend to not let go of them, let them control us. 

How will I do my day in His absence… Like I always do. Kids will have their list of chores to get done. I will be at work. I will find out what my Master needs from me, and get it done quickly as I can. Be His strength right now. He will need me in this very rough time. I know my place. By His side. 

I will fight my inner urge to stay in bed and be depressed, as it will not help anyone right now. And at some point He will bring it up and I would have to pay for that. This is not the time to push my own agenda. 

Doesn’t all of this affect me to? Of course it does, I’m only human. But perspective is key. As I needed to talk to a friend of mine, she’s a wonderful slave, she gave me that moment, and then put things in perspective for me. She walked me thru some things, showed me the slave that I am. What really matters here. I love her dearly, as most don’t know the life of a slave. 

There are no books written,’how a slaves to behave in the face of tragedy’.  If you’re a slave have some slave friends, so when you go thru the hardest time of your life,you can draw on their strength to renew your own. I have needed her so much. In the one small moment she helped me! I’m so grateful.

I have some great friends, but they are not slaves, that was obvious. I have been confused with Him not right here to guide me, comfort me, give me strength. Yet, I know deep down He will need me to be fine right now, His plate is so full. We will get thru this to, together. Be stronger than ever. 

It will take lots of time to move on from this. It has been horrific. One thing will always remain our love for each other, and our children. 
My Master has my heart, He knows that. I’m His forever 💓
I love you Daddy. Now, more than ever!

As I take this moment of silence, I realize it’s really happening, it wasn’t a bad dream, it’s completely real. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. She was just gone. Now to get Him back on track to. 
Life finds a way.. 

I’m a sucker for pain

As Daddy surprised me today, I proved again I’m following His rules. I had no idea He came through the door when I was on the phone, I was shocked. Daddy saw I had a healthy snack and a water. I’ve been a good girl!

Daddy spent some time with me on His lunchbreak. It was a great surprise. I love our connection, it’s stronger each day it seems. But I notice the stronger it gets , the more He is taking charge like never before. I am to fall in line, and I happily do. He let me go slow at my pace for as long as I needed, but now it seems we are up to speed. Things are going faster, but I like it. 

Daddy had me take Him back to work, then pick Him up later. We got some time together, it feels so good to be in His arms, sit near Him, feel Him near me. 

He feels how I do, we want more of each other, again. We clear out kids from the bedroom to have a quickie. He leads the way,  I follow. I love my life with Him. He makes His way between my legs, and goes in deep. I feel every inch of Him. He sends shivers up my spine, I know what’s coming! He turns me over and pushes me on the bed, Within moments His strong arms pull me to the edge of the bed where He enters my body and goes deep, it just takes my breath away. He pounds deep into me, I feel it building. I need to cum. I ask Him if I may cum, He lets me over and over again. 

Once He decides to move His strong hand to my clit ,it’s all over. I’m working hard to keep breathing and not cum so hard it hurts my body, it’s building quickly, I need release.  I ask Daddy if I can come, He allows it. Oh thank God  He does , I need to let it go. My body is cumming so hard I’m bucking at Him. My moans are getting louder. 

He stays on my clit , He can tell my moans are echoing thru the room now. My orgasms are coming faster,  harder.  I’m liking it so much I remove my jeans, so i can open my legs wide for Him, I can’t help it they just want to be open, give Him access. Let Him touch this body that belongs to Him. I’ll take whatever He’s giving me. I feel His closeness. I feel Him deep inside.

It’s torture to know He’s gonna leave soon. To know that our time has to end. As He pulls out, I’m spent. He can tell I came hard multiple times. It was painful, my body is weak and shaky. He smiles at me, that makes me feel so loved. I like the idea of being able to do this for the rest of our lives. 

The deeper the love…

The deeper the love, the deeper the devotion. Whitesnake has it right, I finally feel these words.

Tonight Daddy stopped by, like He does a lot!, to see me. We started talking about the past. This is a subject I try not to hit on, it’s not my favorite place. But the past is real, something we all live through. Daddys past is just as dark a place as mine. It was easy to see why we both have trust issues. I completely understood. His pain is real,  just as mine is.

For the first time ever, I felt like someone understands me. He gets why I’m not in a hurry. I’m not going anywhere, but I want to be in your life.

I hate that we are broken people, that someone had to hurt us so deeply that it’s hard to find ‘The One’, but in a way I think it made us stronger. We both know what we want, how we want our lives to be.

I want something that looks like a family. We don’t put on happy faces, we are actually happy. We have our good days, our bad days. We all support each other. Listen to each other. Be there for each other.

I used to be to afraid to start my life, but with this man by my side, I am the luckiest woman alive. I like that we don’t pressure each other to move faster, no reason to do that. Life is going as it should. I love my life now, for the first time ever.

Today I understood why He took His time to introduce me into His life. I thought it was about no trust, but I was wrong. It was about proving He is safe in my love. He won’t be hurt.

I hope He understands that I was the one hurt in my past. I know how bad it hurts to be lied to, cheated on, scammed by a person who is supposed to care about you. When I hear His pain, all I want to do is bring Him in close to my heart, hold Him til He can feel the love emminating from me. I won’t ever let go of His heart. He’s all mine, I’m all His. Plus I get the added bonus of being His slave, babygirl, just His…

Daddy, my love for you is immeasurable.   I want to show you each day how much you mean to me. Til, forever♡

-babygirl

He completes me

I had a rough weekend.  I noticed the last few weeks I keep having these off days, it’s not like me. I’m usually in a great mood, ready to take on the day. But not right now,  the words that come to mind are : fuck. And. Off

Even talking (A) another slave, she’s been off lately too. But her Master fixed her before she out of hand. I personally did not know what I needed, after talking to her about what helped, yeah I don’t think so. But I love ya girl! I learned a while ago His maintenance fucking hurts. It does clear my head, puts me back on track, but I’m to damn stubborn to say the words.

Trying to talk to other friends, well they are only subs or babygirls,  they don’t get it. My Master is changing lots of shit, it gets me off track. Now I’m wearing fake PINK nails, I’m not liking it at all. I figure pretty soon I’ll be a full fledged Martha stewart. Plus I hate the AZ heat, I don’t want to work in it, but He’s not gonna care much about that either.

Once He said we will talk tonight,  all I heard was a possible lecture coming, and pain. Any chance He will get busy? Forget all about it? Not likely, but there’s always hope.

A gf of mine called, she saw a pic of my new ring,  and commented about the nails, when I said how much I didn’t like them she actually suggested I talk to my Master about renigotiating things. I laughed. I needed a good laugh today!
All I said was, ‘honey, you’re still new to the lifestyle,  and don’t become a slave. Negotiations ended the moment He took control.’

She actually thought that didn’t seem fair. Lol. I should bring her along to talk to my Master, He might need a good laugh too.

Strange things today: at work, I had no idea men checked out women’s hands so much. I’ve been congratulations on nuptials. ‘Excuse me’ I didn’t get married, it’s just a ring, has been my comment all morning. Men are crazy. The world has gone officially insane.

As far my life goes , I’m happy, just stressed. I’m sure I’ll get over it. He’s the only I talked to about it all that made me feel better. Wow. He really does complete me.

-babygirl

So close to letting go.

Ok, I have admit when you’re right. Youre right. I did let my feelings go off track, without talking to you. I felt like I was not important in that one moment , rather than wait for you to clarify it. I forget you have bad days too. That is my fault, I’m sorry.

Finding out that I hurt you, that you felt like letting go. Cut right through me. That’s not what I want. I did listen to my friends, after that I couldn’t tell how I felt, confused. This is my fault, again I’m sorry.

I really listened to you today. It’s just hard to believe that things will be fine, when another reality points at a different direction. To know you were telling me the truth, but then the other side of this coin, didn’t match up. I feel so lost. I could have asked you again, to remind me that it will be done, soon, but I didnt. That is my fault, I’m truly sorry.
This has not been the easiest thing to do, but I did my best in a situation that sucked. You even said it lasted longer then you figured it would. Then please think how strong I have had to be, even when it felt like it was hurting me so much at the same time. I have tried very hard. I felt somedays that I was in pieces.

I didn’t think my words hurt you so deeply, but they did. For that I’m guity. I didnt want you feel how I feel, it was the last thing I wanted,  but it did happen. I heard that pain today. I’m so sorry. If you can’t find any reason to hold on, I won’t stand in your way. I want you to be happy, whether you are with me or need to let go , I care about you, I do love you, last few days didn’t show that. I’m sorry. I will help you how I can, as you allow, because I care.  But if you need to go, I understand. 

The different types of spankings

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There are 5 main types of spankings. I’m glad there was questions, I will write extra blogs on your questions. I do realize some people are new.  Always talk to your Master/Dom first, they will want to train you themselves, or clarify things. If you want outside help, in my opinion, it’s best to ask your dominant if He/She will allow that. I do get questioned a lot by dominants, they ask my background,  with many years in the lifestyle I’m qualified to help subs/slaves with any advice, I don’t know everything , I will be honest about that, and give my honest opinions. No, I don’t train, one on one, anymore. But I do blog about many things in our lifestyle,  so if you always welcome to scroll through my writings. I’m not an expert, just what we call a ‘seasoned’ sub/slave/babygirl.  Yes, I have been all 3. I’m not dominant at all, well unless I gave birth to you. I’m not a switch, tried it, hated it. I need a dominant in my life, on every level. My Master definitely understands this, and gives me what I need.  His guidance, His dominance in and through my life.

Let’s talk about spankings!!

Sexy spankings– A.K.A – funishments.  These are fun and playful spankings. They get you hot and bothered. My Daddy is great at these. Even after He has entered me, He will still swat me on the ass, it gets my attention back on Him, gets me out of my head space. 

Punishment spankings– just what it means. You either broke a rule, we’re a brat,  was being disrespectful, you didn’t do as you were told. In my case, with my Master, if I don’t answer fast enough, or don’t answer Him at all. Sometimes I’m in a different headspace, and the answer hasn’t come out of my mouth quite fast enough for Him. Sometimes I am a SAM (smart ass
Masochist) and I just refuse to answer. I can think the question is unfair, like no matter how I answer He wont be happy, or there is no good answer so I stay silent. He doesn’t care for either.

Therapy spankings- these are a MUST for me. In the past, before I knew about this kind, I was abused, lost,anxious,stressed. Once I learned what this type of spanking was. I realized how much I needed it. Has not a damn thing to do with sex. But it will keep me grounded. My life has many stressors, so 5-10 swats on my ass, I feel this euphoric feeling. Stress melting away. Balance is back, my attitude has been adjusted. I had some great friends (couple) after divorce that, would have me over weekly, just for this. I had pent up rage, so tying me down to a cross or spank bench was necessary. It could take about an hour. I didn’t feel any pain then, I was numb. I didn’t flinch. I didn’t cry. Just needed this release thst therapy spanking gave me. Eventually the couple saw how I never quite let the past go. And the therapy became harder. It was in my best interest.  I finally broke down, yelled back, for the first time ever, used a safeword. Once I was unlocked I had to be carried to a nearby couch, where 4 subs would start aftercare. My backside was nearly ripped open, that’s how strong mentally I was. Even the Master who was helping cried, He was glad I could finally let that pain melt away. Now ,I can feel pain. I was a pain slut, once I got all the crap of the past out of my head, I’m a real girl now! I firmly believe in this type of spanking. It’s also maintenance for me. I do try to not discuss it with my Master, I try to handle things on my own.  He’s busy, can’t do this everyday, but I do know there are days when He just turns me around and smacks my ass hard. My mind let’s go, my body is alert, but less stressed. It’s what I need. 

Role play spankings – to be discussed before a scene takes place. Agreed upon by both parties. If you are an established couple in bdsm then at some point you don’t discuss it, you just know it might/might not be a part of a scene. For newbies, stick to discussing this. You need to agree to it. For people who don’t do pain, but have play partners, again stick to discussing it. With play partners you don’t give up your full rights, you have a say, plus if it’s not working for you, you don’t do pain. Say something.  Always have a safe word, use it.

Hardcover spanking- yep you guessed it. This is for those special ones that like to give pain (sadists), and those who love to recieve (masochists). I get a safe word, I hardly use it. I like some pain.  I used to be a pain slut,  but working on my past, released that. I usually think to myself, that I can take whatever He will dish out, but He see’s that look in my eye or something,  and says to me on a mental level ‘wanna bet?’. He wins everytime. Ok, a few times I can take it. Or He will warn before He starts this is how many I have coming,  no He wont stop/I can’t stop it because I earned them and deserve each one. So ,depending on my attitude, He can and has added to the list once He started. Now He gives me a choice, beat my ass or take the hitachi, ( I hate the hitachi) I know many women who swear they love that fucker, I dont. Which was the reason I didn’t buy one when He ordered me to. I bought the jr. He finally wouldn’t take anything less than the real one. I have always hated them. And now when I ask to play, He will require that toy (His toy) and a video. He likes that I hate it, you have to see His face, he’s completely happy. He knows if it wasn’t a rule that I can’t move away from Him, I would be moving away from Him. When I ask to play it’s with my toys ,that I actually like!

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With any kind of spanking, please make sure you are with an experienced spanker. This is truly important,  as many things can go wrong. There are areas of permanent damage. You need someone who will learn your pain tolerance. You need proper care afterward, or if it opens up. You need to have your own spanking equipment, nothing shared. There are pieces of equipment that you can purchase, or have someone make. ( St. Andrews cross, spank benches) were what I was used to. My Master now, puts restraints on me and ties me to my bed, yes my bed is bdsm ready. There are many places/positions I can be tied in. Find what works for you. I am a babygirl,  but I have never liked over the knee spankings. I find it a humiliating pose for spankings, but that’s just me. I know many babygirls who love it. The beauty of our lifestyle, to each his own. No judgment.

I hope this helps those who read my blog, wanted to know what maintenance spankings were. It just made sense to HIT on them all. Lol

Last but not least,

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I don’t necessarily agree that you have to be married for this. But I do believe in this kind of life with having a Master. I think women can have all the rights they want, and cherish. But once you live together, or marry, you are His. This is called Domestic Discipline. It’s not abuse, so learn the difference. A man is the one in charge, I’m a firm believer of that. Women can be, if she’s a single mother, then you are in charge. Once my Master took over, I was no longer ‘single’, so my life is no longer my own. Granted we don’t live together, but if we ever do, this is the kind of thing I expect. It doesn’t mean He doesn’t care about you ,your feelings, or treat you well. It just puts the balance back into the relationship,  back into the family.  Men were to always be in charge. I think commercials on TV are horrible how they emasculate men. You also don’t have to agree with me. These are my personal  beliefs. This is the kind of household I like. Plus I’m a bratty babygirl, this keeps the balance.  And I hate being in charge.

-His babygirl