I’m a babygirl, but I’m a brat too. I want lots of things in this great big world, but I really want my way!
Wanting my way is not new to me. Getting my way, well that’s a whole other thing! Daddy is careful to find the balance between wanting and getting my way. Recently, Daddy has been very busy, He was not paying as much attention to this babygirl, I became very sad.
Sad turned into bratty, turned into His lil monster. My first thought was He’s so busy ,and I was patient at first. The busier He got, the less of Him I got. I felt like even when I saw Him, i was only getting what was left. He seemed distracted. He was even on His phone more than usual. I did have Him physically, but He was a million miles away. At first, I tested my bratty theories, how much attention was He really paying me. All of a sudden I felt like I was right, we weren’t going anywhere together. If we spent time together it was in front of a tv., or Netflix and chill. I want more than sex, I love His company.
At first, I tiptoed around Him, Daddy is a beast. His growl is as bad as His bite. I started by saying snarky things when He was on His phone, such as; ” You wouldn’t be opposed to me having pop would you?” Daddy heard pop, which is something off limits. But what He didn’t hear was the whole question, the way I said it, NO was the answer I needed to get my way. This continued thru more things, I was trying to see if He heard me. He didn’t. He paid attention to what He thought I said, what He thought He heard. I knew I couldn’t do this at the wrong time. My Daddy, ladies and gentlemen, is a smart man, He’s always been 2 steps ahead of me, but I felt right now He had bit off more than He could chew. This wasn’t all the time for Him, cuz when I got His attention I really got it. I wasn’t doing this activity unless I felt it was fair, or justified.
I knew also that I couldn’t keep it up long, I would lose respect for Him and myself. After a few things I’d try to tell Him before it got to big, but He was busy, I was about to tell Him one day but He had to go something came up, He asked if we could talk later, but it never happened.
I was having a time getting pop, junk food. I got to go where I wanted, usually a movie, or a midnight run to fast food on weekends. I did shop, but then it hit me I would be hiding the stuff because Daddy is a smart man. I knew if the ‘mouth from the south’ ( my daughter) knew anything or was with me ,Daddy would find out. I know this because I made the mistake of going to some stores with her and the moment she was in front of Him it was like she had diarrhea of the mouth. She was talking about where we went, what we bought. I tried to stop her, but He didn’t allow it. He looked most displeased. I tightened my security, no more daughter, well at least not with me. I had Wednesdays if Daddy wasn’t around and every other weekend. I would give limited information on my whereabouts, be vague ( I have some errands). I did have errands but i didnt hurry home, or just casually forget to say im home.
I figured im not cheating, just doing things He wouldn’t approve of in a million years. The worst part is after seeing suicide squad 4 times, He was supposed to go with me, I really really wanted that shirt Harley Quinn was wearing, ‘Daddies lil Monster’. That was definitely me. I tried to buy it one day, figured id only wear it when Hes not around. But Daddy is not stupid by any means, He was just distracted. Plus if mouth from the south saw the shirt, Daddy would find out. The lady asked,” will that be all sweetie?” I yelled at her, ” no, I can’t have it, He’s gonna find out.but I really want it, I even texted Him and asked for it, but do you think He would answer, no He hasn’t , He just ignored me again”. The lady looked at me like I lost my mind, but I really did want the shirt, and I didn’t get it. But I was even more mad now cuz the busier He got ,the more it seemed He ignored me by not answering a small text. I would ask for pop, alcohol, junk food… no text, I felt I didn’t even matter. Could someone be that busy?
I went to my friends and said He won’t answer a text. They agreed that after all this time together a simple text would be nice, but that when Daddy was busy, He was busy. It was really nothing new. Ok, I get that. But I’m feeling very lonely, ignored, like maybe I don’t matter. You’re Daddy has always been one to be sporadic on weekends, that was His time. He would answer as He chose to. My friends asked if I asked to talk to Him, tell Him how I was feeling? No.i didn’t. Oh yeah, you’re the one that doesn’t talk, you like pushing everyone away since you’ve been hurt so much. Was that true? Did I do That? Was I pushing Daddy away since I was feeling so bad? I needed to think about this. My friends told me to tell Him, I’m not good at being guilty, I suck at it. They said once I tell Him it will all be ok, I felt a certain peace about it, cuz a month of feeling guilty was to much for me.
There were a few weekends that I was all by myself, nothing to do. My girls were all busy. Daddy was doing fun and interesting things. There is nothing worse then this babygirl being alone with nothing to do. I did try to text Daddy, but I waited and waited, now I felt ignored. I drank my ass off, I played ,by myself of course, but nonetheless it was without permission.
The guilt was eating me alive. I vowed one night to tell Him everything, but then His phone rang, it was like a 30 minute call. By the time He was done I felt justified not saying a damn word. It was just me and my secret.
The hardest part is that Daddy knows me well. ” what’s on your mind babygirl? You have that look you get”. A few times I did start crying, work and life had some big struggles for me. The lawyer over a part of my life was not going well. Work, if i did work, seemed like was not working everyday. That was stressful. I lost a lot of money all at one time. I was going to sleep at night, in tears, cuz I couldn’t figure out how it would all work. Daddy tried to console me, but my thought was ; ‘ you’re just going to kill me when you know everything, I won’t have to deal with it all, I’ll be dead’. My blood pressure was sky high from it all, worst thing was I wasn’t taking the meds. I hadn’t in months. I really enjoyed Him holding me at that moment, so it wasn’t a good time to tell. For me, I need to feel close to Him. Not constantly, but any disconnect scares me, I take it badly.
Confession time. Daddy had things He wanted to talk about, I had no idea if He knew anything about my activity. I even had a dream that He put a tracker on my phone. Thankful it was just a dream. After we talked, guilt ran through my body, I wondered if this was the right time to tell Him? He was being so honest with me about something private. I decided to just listen. What I heard was Daddy had messed up to. But He knew I mattered to Him very much, thats why we were talking. To get back on track. I wanted that very much, but I knew we couldn’t get back on track until I told Him everything. It was already a trying day, so much to process, and I don’t process at lightning speed, but I was up very late trying to do that. It was very important. I thought we were supposed to see each other the next day. We didn’t. I did think about leaving it all in a text, run away from home. Live under an assumed name, change jobs. But those darn kids love Him, I do to!
Time to face the music. I was quite worried , how do you tell a beast , face to face, that I was mad at you and rather than ask to talk ( I’m not good at, but I have to now) I just decided to hurt you, cuz I felt you hurt me. I had this brilliant speech all prepared, I think I even had charts. I knew tears wouldn’t be helpful, but some might fall cuz this is my Daddy. I was going to let Him know that stuff He told me i felt on a scale of 1-10 , Daddys was like a 9, I felt justified that mine was more of a 6 or 7.
Face to face changed everything. I’m that moment before I spoke, I was thinking it would be great to be Charlie, from Charlie’s angels, I could speak thru a box from an undisclosed location. He was looking at me, waiting for me to speak, ready to listen. My brilliant speech left my head. All that came out was , “Daddy I’ve been doing lots of things, and you’ve been so busy you know none of it.” His face hardened a bit, but He kept talking and eating , He had this nice tone as He spoke, which made me feel oddly peaceful, enough to tell Him everything. EVERYTHING. I told why I felt justified in doing this sort of activity. Now I felt our talk was going well. I was so surprised, and felt the weight of the world off my shoulders. I finally looked Him in the eye, uh oh, that look didn’t seem good. I sized up the situation, Could I make it to the door, get through it, and out the front door before He could grab me? My fight or flight instincts were kicking in, maybe He saw me panic which was why when He started walking towards me the gap to getting out the door was closing in fast. Before I knew it He was on me, one hand on me, the other on His belt. I was thinking well that is not fair. You mess up and no one spanked you. But I mess up and I get beat. A smile came across my face. I knew in that moment I was loved. He showed restraint, I’m alive! But I was smiling, not out of disrespect, but out of love for Him. I respected Him more at that moment cuz He wasn’t about to let me continue what I was doing. I didn’t want Him to go. He is my first love. But I knew I deserved it, and with each smack of the belt on my ass I felt how much He loves me! I spent the next few days feeling great, I knew I was still in trouble, but my Daddy knew everything, no more hiding stuff. I even reminded Him about a question He used to ask me on a weekly basis . He said He stopped cuz He liked giving me some freedom and letting me be a person and in charge of myself, not a slave all the time. I wondered if next time He could just say that. I like freedom, but tell me first so I don’t think I’m just being ignored,or not cared for.
We did realize our communication needs some work. We are back on the same page! And we want to stay there!