In need of my Master

Yesterday He had enough of my attitude, I heard every word He said. I was listening. I had been preoccupied with my life, and I had not been putting Him first. I was guilty. We both knew it. As He beat my ass, with every hit, the pain felt cleansing. He knows how to put me back to square one,peg one. It’s very humbling. I hadn’t realized how far I’d fallen. After He was done, it was very clear.

The tears that flowed were all about how I must have hurt Him, by not trusting Him. I do trust Him, but actions speak louder than words. Where did I lose my way?

I realized all the time we have together, things were starting to change, we have plans, we talk about the future. So, I decided, on my own, to just come up with a backup plan , but I felt I had good reason. Ill be sharing it. I didn’t say anything to my Master. I was wrong. On the other hand I felt like I needed to stop bothering Him, He’s been so busy. I can deal with my life and get my direction, on my own.

Where did this come from? For me, I  go back a few weeks. First part of the  month. Granted some things had been going on for months. Recently I asked Him, ” what do you want me to write in the card?”  He let me know, so I asked Him if He was really ready for this. He replied with, ” No, but I guess I will have to be”. This crushed me, and all my confidence in the future plans we had. In my mind I felt like I needed a plan B.  So, without asking Him any questions, I came up with plan B. It was not meant to hurt Him. But I’d been afraid of what His words meant. I wanted to believe everything He’s planned for our future, but now I was scared. What if His words meant He didn’t want anything between us to change. Did He change His mind? Did He want anything in the future? 

I’m guilty, I never asked for clarification. My reason was because if He really changed His mind about me, us, I would be devastated. I wasn’t ready to hear it. 

This only happened a few weeks ago. I started feeling like,’ get a plan together for your life, kids lives’. 

I felt very lost, not like a slave at all. I felt lonely in my thoughts, I wanted to talk to Him. I kept up making sure I was serving Him His breakfast, it makes me happy. 

Then some health problems rose up, I didn’t tell Him again, how scared I was. How much I didn’t want to feel lonely. I kept it all to myself.

I met with a lawyer so I could look into a bankruptcy. I need a break from the mounting debt. All this I shared with Him. I am more scared than ever.

I have an ex I need to ask for some help with our son. I’m to afraid to ask. I’m already stuck in my head that my ex will say ‘no’. Master did discuss this issue with me. I feel less alone, I felt better. I need direction, I need Him. 

I’ve had plenty on my plate, as per usual. He hasn’t made me feel alone, He’s just had plenty on His own plate. But as He was beating my ass, telling me what He expects from me. I felt love in that moment. His words a few weeks ago made me feel a million miles away from Him. It wasn’t until that moment that I realize I only want what He wants. I do want a life with Him. I can and will discuss everything with Him.

I love being His slave, I need Him, His guidance. I need to talk with Him, make sure I understand. We are both only human. No one is perfect. In our lifestyle communication is key. I will need Him to show me the way. 

I love you my sweet Master. I hope we can talk about all this stuff. I cherish my Masters time. I needed what He gave me. I lost my way, and lost my place. I’ve been scared.  Plus my list seems to be growing. I need direction, and care from only one person, Him.

A very long day

I’ve been in need of rest for several days. Saturday I spent a good part of eight hours wet from rain. I work outside, in a way. I was soaked. No way to get warm, but I never complained to anyone. I just wanted some rest, and to see my Daddy.  I had no idea He needed me to. 

Today, if it could be worse, it sure was. My morning was spent driving in the rain, from store to store, finding the perfect outfit. I’m not sure I accomplished that, but I tried. I did wake up with a bad cough, and sinus pressure. I do not feel good, I tried not to complain. I did get a text that made me feel I’d get to see Him. Much to my surprise that wouldn’t happen. I need Him right now. I had no idea He needed me too.

I went for a drive tonight. I wound up at one of our favorite restaurants. Missing Him, longing for Him. I just really needed His strong arms around me. His voice to be reassuring, and hear Him say:  ” nothing will harm you babygirl, or our family”. All I needed, wanted from Him. I had no idea He needed, wanted me to be there for Him to.

He promised me long ago, that He’d love me, feed me, and never leave me. But no Daddy showed up when I felt I needed Him the most.I thought about this a while,The thing that happened was cops were called, someone tried to get into my home tonight. Police have failed me so many times, so anything they say ,I don’t trust. My only thought was I wanted my Daddy. No one else would do. I was a million miles away all day from everyone. It didn’t matter how many ppl were around me to make me feel better,no one is Him. No one can reach me on the deepest level as He can.

On the other side of town ,is a Master having a rough day, my Master. He is the person everyone goes to for support, but does anyone want to support Him when He needs it? I do. Where should He go when the weight of the world is on His shoulders? To me. But I couldn’t be there for Him tonight. Same as He couldn’t be there for me either. He always appears so strong to me, like there’s nothing He can’t handle., I actually need Him to tell me when He needs me to be His strength. As I should have told Him tonight. Neither of us are psychic or read minds. I would gladly be there for Him. I would listen. On those days when there are no words, I hold Him. He does that for me as well. Tonight we both needed each other so much, but things went wrong. 

I know if anything had happened to us, He would have been right there. I didn’t know how to tell Him that even though we were OK, my daughter and I still very much needed Him. He’s our protector, we know with Him we are safe. But on the other hand, how is He supposed to give more and more of Himself when He had quite a bad weekend, He felt to many ppl needed His time and attention, Him to be there for them. He felt disrespected by ppl. So, seriously how is supposed to keep giving to others, when it doesn’t feel like anyone cares about Him, what He’s going thru. I care, I very much care. 

So where do these two ppl go when they are both having one hell of a night? I needed Him to be my strength, He needed me to be His. But in fact we both missed the mark. Missed the point of what was going on. He couldn’t hear me, I couldn’t hear Him. It’s like in a storm and the power is down. Now we must work to get the power back up, because that’s what you do when you love someone. You don’t have to take vows to be in a relationship, but you should be able to count on each other in sickness and health, thru good days and bad. 

That’s what real love is all about. Getting things right back on track where they were. Being stronger for the next time the world tries to knock you both down. Put pride aside. No, you are not selfish in a relationship, it’s always about both of you. 

Even lifestyle ppl can have bad days. It won’t last forever. We get back up and keep going . Love each other unconditional, come what may. It’s not always easy, but it is necessary. Keep in mind this is different from anyone I’ve ever been with. I know where I belong, in my Daddy’s arms.His arms were made for me! On His bad days He puts His head on my chest, my boobs make great pillows! And we both just breathe. No one else can get me to breathe like he does. No one else can make sense like He does. I hope He feels the same about me. 

So, today sucked. Tomorrow is a whole new day. Daddy doesn’t think I need to stay afraid. So I will try to let it go. I love my Daddy. The man who shows me who I am, believes in me, helps me face this fucked up world.

I love you Daddy. Sorry things didn’t go so great this weekend, but like you say, tomorrow is a new day! I can hardly wait to see you. Feel you, breathe you. 

Terrified of love

I have really given this a lot of thought. I am terrified, but why? For starters, I hate the thought that anything could happen to Him, and I could be alone. Things that go thru my mind: could He ever fall in love with His ex again, I’ve seen it many times that a person will go back , and not necessarily for love but for the kids. I have even had a few ask me to wait til there kids were 18 , nope. You do what you need to do, no hard feelings from me, but I won’t be waiting in the wings. 

I’m afraid He could be in another horrible accident, and well you know… That is a scary thought, He’s wrecked on his motorcycle before. I refuse to be like women I know; “if you love me/our family then you won’t ride”. Nope, that’s not me either. I don’t want Him to stop being Him, reason I fell in love with Him! Everyone has an expiration date, I can only hope we get 50 yrs together!

I worry about not being enough. What if someone hotter, skinnier gets His attention? Ok, I ‘was’ afraid of this, but something in me changed one day.i don’t want an actual open relationship, but I do like threesomes. I have some boundaries that no bitch should cross, but other than that I’m good. How did the other change? Well, I feel that if some girl can actually take His mind off me, what we have together, then it was never meant to be. Cheating is a choice. 

Let’s say, everything is perfect. He only wants me, dreams about me. Wants a life and a future together. Have some threesomes, but i am the woman at His side, loving Him, taking care of Him. He is my world. Maybe married someday, now how do I feel…scared. What if I’m not enough. What if I the biggest regret to Him. Has He really seen every side of me to make such a choice. What if at some point i can’t fulfill my duties as His slave/babygirl. What if I just need a break from the lifestyle? I do that from time to time. I put it in a pretty box, on a shelf, in my mind. I always come back to it. but what ifs are on my mind lately. He keeps saying little things,” when we live together…” I get it, it’s soon. I don’t ask what soon means, not because I’m not curious, or don’t care, not looking forward to this. I am! I want everything with Him. I just do more ‘what ifs’.

What if He hates how I decorate our home.

What if I can’t really cook, and my kids just lied and said it was good all these years cuz they were hungry.

What if I lose my looks as I age, will He still want me

What if His friends, family, or His club doesn’t like me

What if His kids don’t bond with me, like mine have with Him.

What if we fight and argue, I’m not big on that, so I know it would damage me

What if He wants to change me, will it be good for me, or will I resent Him

What if He ever cheats on me, it would kill me. I’ve been cheated on by former men in my life, it stung. But He would kill me, He’s my first real love of my life. He holds the key to my heart, the knife too. 

I deserve to be loved, past men and exes taught me that I was nothing, get used to being cheated on. There was nothing special or wonderful about me. I am nothing but a place to put a cock in where a guy wants. But my Daddy changed all that. He gave me value, worth, a crown. As I’m seated on the right of my King. I don’t always feel noble, I’m still a slut with no real worth in my head. But He makes it all wonderful since He doesn’t say or do things that change that. There really is no one else in this world who gets me, like He does. Has taken the time to talk to me, listen to me, as He does. He gives me the most beautiful gifts, I am not sure I’ve done anything to deserve them, but I love them. He’s the greatest man to me, in my heart. There is none other that could ever do what He’s done, He’s done the impossible, made me learn to love myself. I’m not conceited,but I can now look in the mirror and see some value. I feel love coming from Him, I feel it all around me. When I think of all He’s done for me, my kids, I feel so small in this life. I don’t think I can match what He’s done. I will always try, He deserves me to give my best. 

What if my best isn’t good enough, He’s still here. So maybe He sees my heart and can feel how much I love Him, care about Him, think about Him, miss Him, pray for Him. He really is my everything!

– His babygirl

Wtf happened here…

I really couldn’t say, not for lack of words, but no sleep for days, no food, a crazy dream, reality set in. Where is my Daddy? I didn’t know. FEAR.

After days of no sleep, wondering what happened to Him, stepping over a boundary I would never cross, taking anxiety pills to calm down, the brat came out in full force, I was anxious, frustrated, scared, and in a stubborn mood. When I’m at my peak of stress I start throwing up, so add in days of that.

When I finally hear from him, He has news of being in the hospital for days, completely out of it, He wasn’t sure what happened to Him, He had a sound of fear in His voice that, at one point, He thought He could die. We have such a strong connection, I knew something was wrong, I didn’t know how to find Him. How to help Him. I had no peace, I only wanted Him.

On top of this I refused to eat. I didn’t go about my day as I normally would. I didn’t follow my rules. Then add in it is the holiday and I was already not in the mood for Christmas, missing my forever child,  then having to drive my kids to their other parent, made me feel like a chauffeur.  Then it hits me, I need Him, can’t reach Him. I was more upset about how I felt ,then what He might be going through.

A text appears on my phone, it’s been 2 days. I was finally going to know what happened, you think I would feel relief, I did some, but I’m exhausted,hungry, scared, stubborn,bratty, anxious, and frustrated, throwing up , and I was not about to let it go, I couldn’t. I am actually clearly upset with Him. I find my mind is saying ‘ I’m so glad He’s ok’ but the rest of me wanted to unleash my fury.  Rather then pick a better moment to quietly discuss a few issues, I pick this moment. That was a smart move. Immediately He’s not feeling like His sweet babygirl cares for Him, she’s on the attack. He goes from being sweet and trying to help me understand what He’s been through, to full on sadist. He’s just met His match. He didn’t miss a beat, and I was not about to back down. I didn’t give any thought to what could happen if I didn’t, I was feeling brave. At least until the next day, I got a little bit of sleep, the med I was given made it all a huge blur, reality was sinking in. It really did happen, it wasn’t a bad dream, it was on my phone. He is always wanting me to say what I’m thinking, but I dont think  this is what He meant.

I wasn’t sure what could happen at this point. This has never happened between us. We have had  some small arguments, 20 mins later it’s over. But this was tougher,more emotional for me, I was clearly a very stubborn babygirl, now facing a very pissed off sadist Daddy. Who will win? Plus we are not just in the lifestyle,  we are in a relationship. Is this how something should be handled?  No. It went bad, very fast. I could have done better. Let Him know how happy I was that He is alive, because I was/am. I love this man beyond words. But I could have calmly said I needed to speak to Him, I have some concerns, some issues, plz lets talk when you are feeling better. I know He would have listened and we would have figured out how to handle things. We usually do. We work together that well.

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This is the reason I’m afraid to be near him at all right now. Maybe if I wait til the new year,or longer. I know I will have to face Him eventually. I know the sadist in Him has already been filling His head with ideas of suffering, and pain. All the punishments I just took off ‘the list’, are probably all back on, and He may have even added more. I don’t take any of this lightly. I really don’t know how to be in His presence right now. I have screwed up before, but I have never been so scared that I just lost it, and clearly I lost it. We have slowly opened up to each other, a good thing, there is much to talk about. See where this all went wrong so quickly.

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Now it’s time to face my Daddy. I don’t know how to do that just yet. I’m nervous,  and quite frankly scared, different kind of scared (not abuse scared). If you don’t understand our lifestyle, then you have no idea that what I have done, is a cardinal sin. To push Him the way I did, to show Him disrespect as I did. I am being honest, in a public forum. Maybe you can learn from my mistake. Even being a long time slave, I am not perfect, or flawless. I know He loves me, I love Him. Now to see what will happen… can we move past this? Will we be able to face the issues at hand and move past them? There’s always hope.