This word ‘we’, you talk of…

Lately, I noticed Daddy using the word ‘we’. I wondered if He really meant to use this word? He seems to actually mean ‘we’, as if we are working together, I like it!

Now I’m really paying attention.  He’s been using this word ‘we’ as He talks about our future together. I like that!

Here’s  why is this word so foreign to me? I have heard it before. I have just never heard it used in my presence when it meant ‘we’,actual ‘we’. It was always meant like: hey bitch you do this, this, and this. Don’t report back to me since I don’t really care, or give a shit. I just want you to take care of everything, while I can push you out of my life and not give a fuck about anything. I’m not interested in helping you, valuing you. Don’t think we are close, we arent. Don’t think that ‘we’ want to know, or we care. This ‘we’ means you. You do it all, alone, figure it the fuck out by yourself. There will be no discussions, no argument, no nothing. Just get it all done without question.  

Now I’m learning this new terminology from Daddy. I must say, I’m liking it! I am able to trust that Daddy’s ‘we’ actually means ‘we’.  I am listening,  I want to really hear what He has to say. I really like how the future is going. 


Complete surrender 7-8-15

It was nearly a year ago now, that i felt the best decision for me was to give myself over to my Master, 100%. To serve Him completely,  give my full submission to Him. Let Him guide me as to what He wants in His slave. That once I knew He wanted me as His slave, it was my turn to give to Him. I have not regretted this decision once. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. 

 It was a hard thing to do since I had tried this path before and had been quite disappointed.  This Master is different and very wonderful. He made it easy to feel safe and secure enough that I would contemplate not being a sub anymore, and go back to my slave roots. Back to the real heart of me. How did He find it, how did He bring it out of me? He’s a genious, cuz I vowed to never be a slave again. The last year has been a huge learning process. I’m so happy.
Nearly a year later, I’m still so glad I have made the decision to serve my Master/Daddy. 

The struggles as being a slave are very real. How will you give 100% of yourself to another human being, serve them with your whole heart,mind,body. Put Him first in everything :action,thought, and deed. Well, it all depends on how much you put that person first. I can only hope I have made Him proud, showed Him that the more I gave to Him, my trust grew. As my trust grew, my heart loved Him more and more. I put Him first because that is what I want and desire.

I want to be above all other women in His world. I want to serve Him as long as He allows. 

I am so deeply moved that I get the privilege of still serving Him, it’s been nearly a year.

I don’t need to be collared to feel owned. I am owned! I am loved. I do serve. 

Sir & kitten, a meeting of the minds (original story)

Sir, had a bad week and kitten didn’t make it any better. Out of everything Sir had to deal with kitten meant the most to Him. But to let her keep her attitude was not on His agenda. Sir had a very cunning plan. And kitten was the target.

Kitten came in from work, headed for the shower. As she was undressing to take a hot steamy shower, she was greeted by Sir.

”Hello kitten, we need to talk NOW”, said Sir.
“Yes Sir, right after my shower”, kitten purred.

Sir smiled at her, a most evil grin. He shut the shower off, grabbed hold of her wrist and pulled her into the bedroom. She started to feel very sexual, thinking some fun was coming her way. Sir, put her hands behind her back and locked them there. He was pulling off some tape to put over her mouth.

“Sir, if you put tape over my mouth, I can’t talk or use my safeword” she said.
“That’s the idea kitten, tonight you listen” Sir said with a growl.

Kitten swallowed hard. She knew He has been mad, but she’d never seen Him like this before. She struggled a few moments to see if she was able to get free. No way. Sir, saw the struggle, and smiled at her another evil smile. Kitten thought they were going to have sex, her favorite thing to do with Sir.

“There will be no sex tonight kitten, not unless I change my mind” he said

She looked at him with fear now. When Sir is mad he’s still sweet, but when he’s angry He’s mean, unpredictable. More demanding, not reasonable at all. She considered herself a strong sub. A real force to be reckoned with. Only Sir has plans for het tonight, and it will be his way, or no way.

“Where are your rules kitten?” He said in a questioning tone.

She motioned towards a shelf with her head. He walked over to pick it up. He started reading them aloud. Kitten knew she had made him mad recently, but was unaware of how mad he was.

“Have you ever broken any of these rules kitten ?” He asked
Kitten shook her head yes. She tried to talk thru the tape. He removed the tape, put his hand over her mouth. He looked her right in the eyes and said,
” Don’t make a sound, not one word. If you do you will find out what’s coming”
She shook her head yes in agreement. The look on his face told her that he meant every word.

“Shall we start kitten? You will listen, you will do as I say. You will remember your place from now on, you will not question me. But you will be able to ask questions, or for something you need when and only when you approach me the right way verbally. Do you understand ?”

She shook her head yes again.

“As of late, when I speak you don’t respond correctly. It’s not ‘Yes Sir’, it’s asking questions,  or adding in comments, or even rolling your eyes in another direction thinking I can’t see it. You signed up for being my sub, did you not?”
She shook her head yes again, but this time she opened her mouth to explain.
He picked her up, turned her around, took off his belt and within seconds it was across her bottom. She yelled out in pain.

” I warned you didn’t I kitten?” He asked her
She just shook her head yes, said not a word.
“When we got together we signed up for a certain kind of life. We are not vanilla even though we are in a vanilla world. You were the one who felt you were a sub and so you are treated as such. I am the Dom and yet you answer back, continue to be bratty, question my authority, speak out of line. I have had enough. You are the sub, I’m the one in charge. I do care about you, I want you to be happy, I want to know how you feel, I want us to communicate, I want you to feel loved, to never question how important you are to me. You are mine. I want you to be mine always but if this doesn’t change you are free to go. Do you get my point kitten?”

With tears in her eyes, she shook her head yes. She wanted to explain and thought maybe he would allow her to, but all he did was pick her up again, turn her around, and put his belt back over her ass, only this time the hitachi on her clit. “That better stay on your clit kitten” and she moaned and screamed out in pain. He knew she hated the hitachi so while they talked he made her body go crazy, with no chance of her cumming.  It was nearly to much for her to take.

“I love you kitten, but only one of us is in charge. This is how our life will work from now on. Do you want this with everything in you ?”

With tears streaming down her cheeks, she shook her head yes.

“Then we will write some new rules, keep some of the old ones. It is time for a change.  I want to be proud of you all the time. You are my world kitten. I will expect you have some opinions on what you want changed. I want to hear you, I promise to listen, but I have final say on everything. Just remember you didn’t like the punishment now, you won’t like what’s coming my sweet kitten. If I think you are fighting me then we will see if we belong together at all. But from now on this is how it is. You belong to me. You may still have your friends, your job, your shopping as I say, but I am to be your first thought in all of it. As long as I feel we are both happy,  we can proceed to make this more permanent in the future, as that is what I want kitten. Is that what you want?” ” I don’t expect perfection, you are only human, but when I know you are truly sorry for what you have done then I’ll be fine. I know change can take time, but as long as you work hard to show me change, you will always be forgiven”.

She shook her head yes, she was fully listening to him now.

” I see you are finally hearing me. Not giving your opinion, no comments. Now that you understand me better I wish to hear you speak. I will ask you questions and you will answer from your heart. And I make the final decision, are you ready?”

“Yes Sir” she said with a slight grin. She knew even though he was mad, he was fair, and he loved her beyond words.

Sir untied his kitten, picked her up, laid her on the bed and sat next to her. He comforted her and he asked many questions,  and she answered and obeyed completely.  The love between them was as strong as it ever was. For they both knew that what they had with each other was rare and to be protected.  It was that forever kind of love.

Once they talked and Sir held her a while. They spent some intimate time together. Kitten finally got to cum!

” oh, thank you Sir”

They both smiled and held each other. She knew He could handle her, and wasn’t wanting to go. She could finally release that part of her that she always held back from him.


The big push

Title won’t make sense, yet…

The longer I’m with my Master, the more He brings me out of my comfort zones. At first, I truly hated it. I was comfy back there. Why was He doing this to me? Now, I see each and every time, it was love pouring out of Him.

If you truly care for someone, you don’t leave them to wallow in their old shit. He has required me to be more of a grown up, then anyone ever. I like to use my excuses,’ I can’t do that’, ‘ this is to scary’, ‘my kids can’t do that/ I can’t do that’,  ‘but I’ve been hurt before’, which I have but not by Him, so it holds no merit. And of course He calls me on it.

He used to be kind and gentle about it. Like coaxing a baby animal to come to you so you can touch them ,show them you’re safe. Now that I have approached Him. He finds that putting me up to the task will get my ass moving. The slave in me, wants Him happy , so what do I do? I put 150% of myself into whatever He has chosen.

Recently,  He had me make a blanket. I had a time limit. I don’t sew, I don’t know anyone who sews. What the hell am I supposed to do? He smiles and says, ‘relax babygirl, go look up  ‘ no sew’ blankets ‘. And then He’s on His merry way. He seems delighted at times when I freak out. I long to please Him, but how the hell am I supposed to get this task done. I walk into a fabric store. I inquire about this type of blanket.  It was a real thing! I bought material, I MADE A BLANKET! Not one, but 3 now. When I’m done, I text Him. He doesn’t seem surprised. How did He know I would not fail? I hate it when I’m on the spot,  He delights in it! I see me going to fail before I ever start. I come up with excuses, none of which change His mind. I’m still on task, and the clock is ticking. I have had to try to outsmart Him. Beat Him at His own game, so to speak. I want to turn the tables and show Him I’m just as smart He is. But then that was His point in the first place.

I’m glad there is no security cameras up in my home. From the moment a task is thrown my way. I’m not fun. Like I said, I try to find anyway out of them. I am even yelling at the walls ‘ what does He want from me?’ ‘ why does He do this to me?’  Once I finally make peace with the task, and get going. I notice they’ve gotten harder. And yet I’m still smart enough to get them done. He has brought me to a place inside myself that is a miracle to see. I think of myself as smart. I haven’t felt that in so long. And obviously no one before Him even cared. It endears Him to me. I smile at my phone ( because I look at His picture! I’m not crazy) ok, not certifiable anyway.

I must say it quiets my mind that I can finish a task. Know deep inside He will have to admit I did it. No matter how hard some of them are. A few months back,  it was cleaning out my closet. Get rid of things I don’t use/need. I needed it all, it’s my stuff. He did not care. It was so hard, I even thought about putting the stuff in storage where He could not see it. Call a friend, ask them to take it so I may eventually get it all back. Knowing Him , He would notice. I did none of that. I actually gave it to a thrift store, and believe me I wanted to go in and shop to get it all back, He was onto me. It was a NO. Plus He made sure to ask for pictures of it all going bye-bye. Which one of my kids, so lovingly did for Him. I couldn’t send all the pics, as I did keep flipping off the camera as my child made remarks. Maybe it was sort of to the kid. Just shut up and take the damn picture.  I knew I couldn’t send Him those 2, as I was sure He would feel it was to Him. I do talk under my breathe at Him sometimes. But once the task is done , I’m happy I put Him first, I pleased my Master.  Months later, I don’t even miss that stuff now. Yes, He was right.

So, recently I was given a task, but this one failed. I will explain as much as I can. I hope to not disrespect Him or myself. I wanted to finish the task, and much to my delight it was almost there. Fuck, I have worked so hard on it. I have no guilt about that part.

The guilt comes in when the other person said something I didn’t agree with. To me, I felt disrespect from this person. Then the claws came out. Really girly, you want to play in my yard? Here’s the deal, be respectful.  You don’t love Him like I do. You won’t share your life with Him, as I do.  Don’t treat anything here as common. I serve 24/7, I am His slave.  This to me is real life, I do it each day, I am honored to be called His.  I feed Him, laugh with Him, disciplined by Him, I follow His rules, I am trained by His own hands. I report to Him.
I  then felt vendicated to share my attitude with my Master as well. Only to be reminded of my place, as He should. I do respect Him even more when I’m not allowed to get away with things. As He explained things to me. I really wanted to know that I’m valued, the fact that He called me to talk did show my value. I couldn’t see that.

Now it’s another day. I failed my task. I’m at a low point.  And now it hits me… oh yeah, it didn’t matter. I do serve Him. I really am His slave. I do get to spend time with Him. Be a delight to Him. I am here for the 24/7.  I do report to Him. I am disciplined by Him. Right now that thought makes me worry will I need the morgue or a hospital. As I haven’t faced Him yet. His words cut right through me.  I was allowed to feed Him. I’m so thankful for that.

No whore will ever matter to Him, like I do. My insecurities are what He tries so hard to break down. He really does delight in me, most of the time. He guides me, offers advice. I saw it as a rejection. How did any whore take over my attitude? I’m better than that. It could be the amount of stress on me at the moment. It is great. When I look at myself,  I must admit He’s done quite a bit of work on me. I like the changes. Granted there’s still more to be done, obvi ( teen word!) I hope someday I am to be the most beautiful treasure anyone has ever owned. That I fully understand my worth. No more insecurities.  It will take time, nothing changed overnight. I like how gentle,yet firm He can be with me. He knows I won’t break in two, I have strength.

I think I’ll know when He’s done with me. When I finally appear to myself ,as I see my 2 friends who are long time slaves. They are beautiful.  I love watching how they are, so ladylike. So much reverence.  They do say, it didn’t happen overnight. I look upon them with such envy. When will I get there?  They both remind me, it took years to find the right Master. That He knew He had His work cut out for Him, and did not run. Yet, He took a broken and damaged slave, and is polishing her up. To be a beautiful lady, for His enjoyment. Can I really handle it? They both say Yes. That if I couldnt, He would have never started the work in me. That He is up for the challenge.  While this made me feel sort of like Sandra Bullock in ‘Miss congenitality’.  I got there point.  I finally belong. I belong to Him. I want to see a look on His face, as their Masters have for them, what an honor.

Now, hopefully you can understand the title. With each task He sets before me, comes a big push to get out of myself, out of my comfort zones. How could I not respect that?  I know why I’m not allowed to drink any longer, I know why my partying days are in the past.  How can I honor Him if I’m just not serious, but looking foolish won’t help. I see what He’s doing.  But this time, I failed. 


What are friends for , even Domly ones.

I do have some Dom friends, 2 to be exact. One is going through lots of stuff right now, the other was very helpful. Our conversation was helpful, very insightful. I was so thankful.

So over the last few days, I have gotten my closet cleaned out, or downsized as Daddy wanted it. This was a tough thing, my friend knew this as I was talking to him. He offered some insight. I really wanted to see this from a dom point of view. I got to a little bit. 

My friend listened intently. How difficult this task was before me. How it was requested a while ago, and I finally got it done. Not for lack of trying, but lack of wanting to give in.

My friend stopped me right there.
Dom: “How long this has been, that Daddy was waiting for this task.
Me:” little over a moth I think.  But I tried twice, but would put it all back, hope that He would forget about it, but then He will check my closet,  make comments about it. He just had no idea I was trying my hardest to comply, but I put it all back, twice.”
Dom: “Why do you put it all back in?”
Me: “I think because of my ex, I was never allowed to shop. Now I’m free to shop, well sort of. But I want stuff, I never had stuff. My ex bought himself and the kids everything, in the divorce I got literally nothing. Kitchen stuff, kids stuff plus the kids,  and my clothes and personal items, that was it”.
Dom: “So, you’re afraid that Daddy is taking your stuff, maybe won’t let you have stuff?”
Me: “No, well maybe. He said when I downsize I could shop again, but I can’t fill it back up”.
Dom: “So, what’s the problem?”.
Me: “I don’t know, except this side of me , my sub side, didn’t want to comply. I’m not being bratty, I’m irritated. He didn’t say why this was such a big deal. He didn’t explain”.
Dom: “Does He know this?”
Me:” I don’t think so, I don’t think anyone knows I am struggling with my sub side, as the slave is coming out. He wants me to be the slave side, but not a side, completely.”
Dom: “And?”
Me: “I swore to myself, that I would never let her out again, she couldn’t get hurt, or taken for granted, ever again.”
Dom: ” Do you think your Daddy is gonna hurt you?”
Me: ” Actually, no. Recently we had a fight, and He was mad, very mad. But He was kind , He was great really. I did more damage to myself psychologically then He did when He was near me. He smacked my ass maybe a total of 4 times. But hurting Him by my sub side, was awful.  I didn’t run away though, that felt good. It wasn’t even on my mind. I feel so close to Him now, I don’t want to run away. But then I cried a lot.  He did talk to me. But when we were intimate, He changed that. It was beautiful,  I have never had that in my life, not ever. Not with a vanilla guy, not a Dom, not any Master. Only Daddy.
Dom: “You said He didn’t explain why He was requesting you to downsize, why should He have to, are you His property? Does He care about you, love you.”
Me: “Yes”.
Dom: ” Then what’s the problem?”.
Me: “I guess I don’t know. But my sub part of me doesn’t want to go away. It’s hard to let it go, I wanted Him to just say why He made this request . It seems unfair.”
Dom: “Do you trust Him?”
Me: “Yes, I would just like to know why this is so important. There was no explanation.”
Dom:”Are you sure?”
Me: “I don’t remember one.”
Dom: “Well, have you gone back over His messages? Really searched?”
Dom:”Maybe that’s the key here. I remember the last time you were upset , we looked through your messages and it was there in black and white.”
Me: “I remember. That helped me immensely “.
Dom: “Then why didn’t you ask Him for clarification or go through your messages?”
Me: “I felt He wasn’t going to clarify, because He keeps saying , He’s Master, I’m slave, I will do as He says everytime, without question. I’m trying to, but this was hard. Ohh, He keeps reminding me, in subtle ways, He is waiting for compliance.  Does He know that my sub side is so strong, that it’s like a fight in me?”
Dom:”Did you let Him know you were struggling?”
Me:”No, I sort of felt like He knew. He has said our relationship can’t go to the next phase, because I wasn’t ready,  is that what He was talking about? And a few times we both felt a disconnect from each other.”
Dom: “Maybe, you should consider asking Him, not struggling so much”.
Me:”Yeah, I guess I should. I have never found that in anyone. There are times He hasn’t explained. ”
Dom:”Did you get hurt by compying?”
Me: “No , but I want so badly to hear Him explain, but to ask for that means I don’t trust Him. I know how the M/s works. I blindly follow His lead.
Dom: “Can you do that?”
Me:” I think so, I’ve done it before, but not with someone I cared about.”
Dom:”What do you think will happen?”
Me: “I’m not sure. I very much want to comply. But this side of me just says no. I’m fighting that side. I did comply.”
Dom:”Yes you did. That part is good, but it could have been faster”.
Me:”He never gave me a timeframe. When He has commented on it, I have let Him I’m working on it. He still didn’t put a time limit”.
Dom:”Then you answered your own question”.
Me:” I did?”
Dom: “The questions you have are the wrong questions anyway. You should be asking ‘What is He showing me by having me downsize?”, “There is some reason here for me to downsize, has He shared it with me but I glossed over it?” You keep asking why, Does He know I’m  struggling. These are the wrong questions. He is moving you past where you are. He’s teaching you something,  He already knows you struggle. He’s smart. He’s a very good Master for you.”

I walked away from my friend feeling crushed, just plain stupid. I had been asking all the wrong questions.  I have been fighting an invisible fight, mostly with myself, but He feels it too. He can see it. As I did go back over messages, the one thing that came through loud and clear, was Daddy has seen the struggle. He took full control so my sub side could be choked out. I didn’t even know there was a struggle. I get it now. I still never got the answer as to why I am downsizing. I guess if I’m quiet , He will reveal that to me. One thing I do know, is we have been getting closer. I really like that. He hasn’t hurt me. He can be trusted. Does the lesson have to be so brutal? But then again He knows how stubborn I am, and the both of sitting down to an afternoon tea and sharing pleasantries wasn’t going to cut it. You work with what you’ve got. I’m a tough little bitch, and complying hasn’t been my strong suit over the last 5 yrs. He’s the Daddy who is smarter then me, and He’s here to clean up the mess others have left behind. He does have His work cut out for Him. I do think I found even more reasons to fall deeper in love with Him.

I love you Daddy, thank you that you see me, the ‘real ‘ me, and how to fix it. No wonder you are tired, so much of the time. I’m a full time job.


Journaling 1-11-16. The sub is strong in this one

Well, an eye opening thing happened to me recently. Seeing my sub side on the attack against my slave side, was more than I can handle. Daddy told me to do something, downsize my closet. He gave no reason why, He just wanted it done,  I put it off since the thought of giving away MY stuff from His command didn’t seem logical or like He should even ask such a thing from me. How does MY stuff bother Him. I could have handled a reason to make the thoughts better. Did He do this to see if I would follow direction from Him, no matter what. Did I do as expected. Will more be coming. Will He require me to downsize more of My stuff to make Him happy, and I really am curious to why I need to downsize (He sees weakness in me? He plans on being around for a long time and I need to prove I will obey, no matter what the request is?)

The slave side of me says, ‘Daddy should be obeyed, Daddy is the one in charge, I am to follow without question. He is the Master, I am the slave.

The sub side of me said one thing, one thing only. “Fuck that “.


But the longer I took, the more He hasn’t allowed me to shop. I love to shop. I have even had my sub side seem to not care if I ever shop again, as long as I don’t have to follow a command that makes no sense. While the slave understands that some things don’t make sense, but the He would never harm me, He wants the best for me, what if He can see this war going on inside me, and He’s trying to help me ,help the slave win. I really don’t know. I would ask for clarification and to speak with Him, but my fear is that the sub will come out, not the slave. Even recently we were supposed to talk about some issues. The sub wanted to fully come out, point out all things I have been irritated about. There was no respectful tone in my thoughts, so letting that come out of my mouth, wow, there was no way to really talk to Him. I let it go. The slave part of me tried hard as hell to takeover and remain calm.



Am I the only one with this struggle? I hope not, but then this struggle is awful, so I hope I’m the only one. As you can tell I was less than happy giving away all those clothes. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Without even knowing why, just trusting Him. As you can tell from His message it could turn into more. The sub in me wanted to argue that point,  but the slave says, He must have a great reason. And would not ask me to do something that could make me to angry, or cause me to push Him away. My example of obeying shows Him that I will do as I’m asked.

Recently, I was very happy knowing that certain things in His life were about over, but are on hold til He has a chance to deal with the subject at hand. Daddy knows it’s my least favorite subject. My sub side wants this breakthrough, show me I’m important,  that I am all yours. The slave side says be quiet, be still, He can be trusted, It will be in the right time. He loves me, He cares about me, now let Him lead, and just watch. But I was very happy by Him letting me know that this is done.

I really do want Him in my life, long term. Anything worth having, cant be rushed, and He doesn’t rush. I know He shows me all the time how much He cares about me. This was a tough thing to do. I’m sure He understood that, as He knows how much I love to shop, how much I love clothes. I could definitely use some time with Him, just a conversation to know I have made Him happy by obeying, even with the struggle inside me. Maybe someday He can show me , how He see’s all of it, someday.


The sub in me is impossible.

In this beautiful lifestyle I actually started as a slave, at about 17 yrs old. That continued even after marrying a vanilla guy, granted he never appreciated me, but did love being served. About 5 yrs ago I brought out of me the sub side. I was never big on arguing, I could but didn’t like it much. And being with a vanilla man for so long, well I was never going to serve again. Hide my slave side from the world. I couldn’t let her be hurt or used any longer. Once I was separated , dating Doms , they could tell quickly that I had been a slave. So pushing them all away made sense.

For a long time after marriage, 5 yrs now. I knew I was still that slave, but I brought out the sub more and more. Granted into the last so many years of being married the sub was showing up, but not enough. Divorce/separation really brought it out full force.

Once I met my Daddy, last year, I was a sub, slave, and a babygirl.  Daddy seemed fine that we were a little of each , but the power exchange was still good, and worked well.  But quickly, as our relationship progressed, He was not happy with the sub. The sub in me doesn’t hold back, she’s all about protecting me. And I have let the sub just go off and yell at Him, or just say all the things that the slave in me will not say. The babygirl doesn’t want to fight, she’s just a damn sex kitten.

It does sound terribly hard to be me. No, it’s not multiple personalities. But these different parts of me act differently in any given situation. The sub will say and do what she thinks is best, will question everything, if she doesnt want to serve she wont. The slave wants to ask for clarification, but it’s usually to late, wants to serve, wants to trust.  The babygirl,  well she doesn’t care.

The sub side of me wants to come out right now. I’m fighting to keep her down. Like there’s a hungry wolf inside of me. I am doing my best. I need His strength, especially to know how to get the sub to back down and obey. I feel kind of alone this moment. I sort of feel, if He is wanting my slave side to prevail, then I’m gonna need His help to know how to do that.

Recently, He has required me to downsize things. Starting with my closet. Now the slave in me really wants to obey. The slave part of me did obey. Once I bagged the clothes, I took them quickly to a thrift store and gave them away. The reason being, my sub side started going a mile a minute, and all I could think of was how much I needed that stuff He us making me give away.  The sub side wants answers as to why this is so important to Him. The slave side trusts Him to make decisions for me/for us. As we progress in our relationship, and get closer, things are so beautiful.  The sub just wants what the sub wants. How on earth do I get her to release. I have no idea. When I should see Him, the slave side says ‘something came up, I know He loves me’. The sub side says, ‘it should be a damn good reason for doing that to me. I should be worth a text/call’. I think He can see the war inside. But I have no idea how to make it stop. This is not being a brat,  this is like a full on war. 

Anytime the slave side wants to do as I should, as I’m expected to do. The sub wants to do the opposite. In the past I have done whatever I wanted, I made damn sure no man, no Dom could tame me. But I really do care about my Daddy.
Recently, after a fight, yes my sub side came right out ,and tried to get her point across. He shut it down quickly. Even with a punishment coming, the sub wasn’t about to care. But I fought for my slave side to come out and takeover. Swallow my pride, be a good slave, i want this Master in my life. I’m sure this is how He knows that silence from Him is killer to the sub side. But when does the war end? I can’t keep it up. After a day together last week, I felt so close to Him. He shared so much about himself with me, I felt honored. I felt His trust. I felt special to Him. After sharing a very intimate time together, and it was incredible, just euphoric.  I had never had a time that with anyone in my life, I felt closer to Him then ever before. It really felt like we are moving forward and getting even closer. The sub part of me is still there. I don’t know how to extinguish her. The only reason I ever feel a disconnect to Him, is because of my sub side, and yes He has said He feels it to. So part of me thinks He can feel this too. I haven’t let the sub come out to destroy my thoughts of Him, or to make that disconnect feeling happen. No way.

I need His guidance, I need His care. I need His instructions.  Am I fighting that part the correct way.  Is there something I could do better. I need to know. I guess part of me wonders if He can see this going on inside me, and He handles me accordingly . Maybe He can tell, but nothing He can do til I was ready? I’m fully ready. The slave needs a quiet mind. A serene place to just be in front of Him. I don’t have that this moment. I need His help, His answers. 

Feeling lost, confused, upset, irritated.
The slave wants what Master wants, but that sub side doesn’t care.. It all started late Saturday night, with cleaning out my closet. I have noticed He doesn’t give the sub side anything, as not to feed that, not even beating my ass. He hasn’t touched me in months like that, the sub likes it to much. He’s smart. The slave however, doesn’t want to be beat, she wants to serve, to love, to care for Him. But this hunger,  this awful hunger. How and when does it go.

I need you Daddy,very soon.