Life is so lonely

First off, thank you to several of you for asking me to keep writing,even through tragedy. I am really struggling with real life right now, and when I try to find the words,I’m at a complete loss. You’re going to hear about my REAL life, as a slave, going thru tragedy. 
As you are aware of, we lost our little girl about 2 months ago. Everyone can agree that if you don’t pull together, you pull apart thru something so awful. We are definitely trying to pull everyone together. We have four other kids, so it was very important to us to keep our family in tact, but then the unthinkable happened… My Master taken into custody since just one detective felt maybe that my Master should be held accountable for this accident. Are you kidding me? With proof it was an accident, they took him away, put him in jail. Anyone who has heard what has happened can’t believe that they did this. It was an accident, I’m not allowed to talk about the details of this case. Omg, it’s a case. My body and mind are numb. I’m a slave with my Master locked up. I am now unprepared on how to handle everything on my own. I have two jobs now to pay our bills, and I had to pick the important ones. I can only see my Master on a video call, we can’t see each other in real life. We haven’t touched, kissed, held hands, been intimate since that day. We weren’t given a moment to figure out how I’m supposed to do all of this on my own. 

How has it all been… Well as His slave, I’m lost. I have no real way to serve Him. So I do all I can. We still try to keep the lifestyle first and foremost, but I had to call Him something besides Daddy or Sir since everything is recorded and we don’t want anyone in our business. So calling babe, sweetheart, my love was approved really fast. 

Once bail was set we contacted our family and very close friends, we were pretty sure someone would help him, get him home so we still had an income and most importantly, our other kids needed him as much as I do. Much to our surprise, no one stepped up. It’s a secure bail. That means they could put up their home, they know he won’t hurt their trust and just run. He needs to get back to work and us save since it could be very real jail time for him. They now know it’s an accident, but feel he should be held responsible. We have come to the point that we must face that he may have some time behind bars. My Master is still his wonderful self, he’s making friends, he gives me info on how to help others inside. As His slave I gladly help. I found a way to serve! Be of use. My Master tells everyone that I’m the perfect ‘girlfriend’! He’s still the perfect Master. 

Our love for each other didn’t change at all. Our love for our kids hasn’t changed. I just now look at the kids when misbehaving, instead of saying “when your dad comes home” it’s now ” there’s a video call tonight, wait til then to talk to your dad”. It was an adjustment. My Master feels like a caged animal that I must be in charge of it all. I’ve never had to do that before. I’m tired more of the time, I’m stressed, a bit depressed. We are down to one car and that one is having a few problems. I am wanting,with my whole heart, to win the lottery get Him out, and go back to being the slave who’s NOT in charge. I’ve yet to just stop and try to process, I refuse to think about it. I lean on my friends and cry very little. I just stuff it. My friends point out that wasn’t this way before. Of course not, I had a Master who knows my every mood, still does. Only this isn’t about me. It’s about our child. It’s about my Master, our head of our home. 

One of the hardest things is, in our lifestyle we don’t prepare the submissive for something of this magnitude. Why not? Because we actually don’t think it will happen to us, that’s a normal response. I am actually trying my hardest to find my bearings. I may be going through this for a bit. His court date is set for March, it doesn’t look like he has a way out to come home and help out our family financially. I’m angry with that thought, there is no one else doing anything,but me. 

Good things that are happening… Believe it or not, there is some! We, our family, have remained close. I have told the kids to tell me when they need me to spend extra time with them. Each of our kids have spent extra time with me, whether it’s just to talk about their dad or ask me to pay for an extra video call to talk to their dad ,alone. There are less tears, that first month was just the hardest. I couldn’t fall apart, the kids looked to me. I wanted to give them confidence that I can do this. Our kids and the few friends who have remained by my side tell me how easy I make this look! The kids know that Mom and Dad are still very much in love and very much on the same page. Our kids have seen us pull together and have an attitude of ‘ this won’t break us’. I can tell our family is healing, we find ways to keep our lost daughter a part of our lives. My Master and I laugh and cry together. He’s a beautiful soul, always has been. I’m faithfully by His side, no matter how tough. And believe me that statement is saying a lot. 

There were no date nights, we will do a special video together and talk about where we would go, what we would be doing if we were out right now. He will tell me how proud He is of me. We both talk about all the reasons we love each other. It’s a different kind of date night! He will sing to me. We also do postcards, letters to each other. Our connection is still very much there. We have the kids and Master talking! All laughing at my phone screen! Tells me we are doing something right! This isn’t easy, it’s your worst nightmare. But we are happy people, and that part has been coming back out. My Master still runs this family. 

How does this slave cope: well the few friends that stuck by my side are females or gay. I get to snuggle with them , I get plenty of hugs, plenty of kisses. I need the closeness. I’m also a babygirl. My gay bff let’s me snuggle up next to him like I did my Master. My girls let me hug and kiss them. All are things I miss so much, but these are important things. My friends may not know just how much their closeness right now helps me. One of my friends knows I don’t eat, don’t sleep. She puts a pillow in her lap and she tells me to put my head on the pillow and one of us starts talking, getting it all out all the while she plays with my hair. I try hard not to fall asleep I want to enjoy my time with her, she knows once I’m out she reads, texts her Daddy, watches TV. She’s been moved up to family. I adore my friends, they will never know how much I love them. I couldn’t get through this without them. 

Recently my Master asked me a very important question! He asked if I’d marry Him when all this is done and over. 

Yes,Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!!!

We don’t do anything traditionally! We even had to pick out a ring in a much different way. We did a video call and the kids helped me pick it. It was a cheaper ring, more of a place holder til He’s home and can pick the ring! It’s more for me I think, so I know I’m completely His. Even though I don’t go to sleep with Him , I don’t wake up with Him. I don’t text Him thru the day. We have calls as He can. I schedule video calls, we do write! We know this isn’t going to be easy, but it’s completely doable. I will need my friends, oops I mean family! I will need our kids! I could use a better job cuz I’m exhausted for a lil bit of money. 

So, this is our life right now. It’s not pretty by any means. I wish I had more answers than questions. I’m hoping that everyone gets thru this easily. I’m hoping I can find a Pro Bono lawyer to take His case. I may need to keep writing, as I can, just in case there are more submissives going thru the same thing. 

Yes, I’m looking at wedding ideas! Yes, I’m happy in some areas which sounds crazy since there is so much heartache. Yes, once He’s home I will gladly relenquish control over our lives right back to Him. Now I have a great reason to lose 20 lbs. I want to be in a beautiful dress! Life will always be great, I’m with my soulmate, my best friend, my Master, my Daddy, my confidant, my guide, He’s absolutely my everything! One thing stands true, even in the face of all this ugliness in our life , the pain, I’m still true to who I have always been. My feelings for our kids and my Master have not changed, are not lies. You will know that part of me didn’t change. 

I miss our daughter, so much. I miss Him so much. I love our family! 

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He’s a worthy King indeed

How in the world,in our lifestyle can you tell when one has earned the title, ‘King’?

First of all, I’m not new. Any man in the lifestyle, that refers to himself as royalty, is usually one I don’t give the time of day to, never have. A dominant should exude confidence, not arrogance. There’s a huge difference. 

The dominant who can juggle all aspects of His life (work,family,play) has my respect. Pay attention to the wording, I said juggle , not has all the answers. He’s still human. 

If He is kind to children, and animals, except snakes hates those. Can He be gallant? We all know that men want a lady on their arm in public, and a freak in the sheets. No problem there. But I want the same from my dominant. Will He be the gentleman who opens the car door, and grabs my ass too?! He does!

I want a man who worries about me, will be funny and silly with me. Who can make it a night of bdsm, or just something sexy and hot, Both make me cum, it’s about effort. Can He cook? Cuz I will clean. When I’m sick, am I a priority.

I see Him, as He is. He’s strong, but He needs a woman by His side with strength too, a partner in His life. Someone He can talk to, share His secrets with and knows that no one will ever hear it. 

He needs to know that she has His back. That she’s close to Him, clings to Him but that they can go there own ways and still be 100% committed. She His ‘ ride or die’, cuz He would be hers if He has to. Care for Him when He’s sick. His goals are her goals, and vice versa. He can make someone else a priority at times, she doesn’t blink, she knows it’s for the moment. 

She can tell when He just needs some time to Himself, she doesn’t take it personal, but pushes Him to rest and put Himself first every now and then. They make their relationship a priority, but know it takes both to work at it. Any holidays and she will go pick a gift, she knows He has more important things to do. 

If He’s off with friends, family, or His club she knows she is still on His mind. And He’s on hers!

He makes her talk so He knows what’s on her mind, what she’s stressing about. He wants to guide her, encourage her, help her. They are always there for each other.

They know the goals they have set for themselves,kids, etc… And they both work together as a team. When one succeeds, they both do! 

This is how I know He’s my king. He never insisted I call Him that, He’s to humble. But He deserves the title, it’s been earned a million times over. 

When I look at Him, really look. I see a man with lots of friends, family, and His club but still really lonely. My job is to fill that void, to become everything He needs. Be His partner, His lover, His babygirl, His slave. Cuz I’m just like Him! We have all the stuff ( job, family, friends, kids) but to grow old with someone, cherish the love they give you, take care of their heart. Then you have found someone worthy , someone who should be treated like a king, called ‘ My King’. For He is everything to me! 

The long road ahead

As my bff has found the Dom of her dreams, things are heading full steam ahead. She’s now at the very crucial point, becoming fully His.

He is starting to break her. For those in our lifestyle you know what I’m talking about. Each Dom will shake is head in accordance, as they have each broken someone who means something to them. Each submissive smiles and has that moment of ‘ oh dear God , the pain. But it’s all worth it.

Was it really worth the pain? When it’s the right Dom, yes. I’ve known some that would help break any sub or slave, no relationship was needed. Just your time, and respect for the Dom. No sex involved. It was just to free her from all the pain of the past, set her free. Help her grow in each area of her life to be the best she can be. I’ve met fake Dom’s who took this breaking very wrong. Used the women for sex, no real training. I’ve been here a long time, even my first Master who helped train me to a point, knew it would not be sexual, never was. It was about protocol, rules, expectations, how to serve with your whole heart. Once he was done we were released. He let us know he’s gone as far as he was able, training would be accomplished by the one who picked us for their own. He was right. I learned plenty. I was happy, peaceful, young, and now searching for my other half of the puzzle. I now look at all exes as life showing me what I don’t want. If I think about this any other way, my self talk really goes badly, ‘ how could you be so stupid’, ‘ what were you thinking’, ‘ were you on drugs for that whole relationship’. Shit like this, unhealthy.

Granted I still have my good days, and my bad days. But most are good! I’m happier now that my Master has shown me how He wants me to serve Him. How to think, how to behave. He’s made room for my babygirl side, not much room for the brat in me. My friend did ask, ‘ how will I know when training is done?’ that’s a fair question, ‘ never’. As people we are always evolving and changing, He will know the way, so follow Him. 

When you’ve been single a long time, how do you just let someone take over your life? One step at a time! Rome wasn’t built in a day, neither will you be. Believe me, she doesn’t always like my answers. Each sub or slave will have their own breakdown and rebuild, no two are alike. 

She is cautious if he will read her and know what she needs, doesn’t need. On this, I giggled alittle. They are born dominant, they think dominant, they sleep dominant, they react dominant in this world. We, however, are submissive so we can only understand our side of things. This is where trust will take you further. Just let go… Yes, easier said,than done. But we submissives all go through this fire.

Why must I be broken? Aren’t I fine the way I am? This gave her cause for concern, does he want a perfect woman and she is his willing victim. To the untrained eye it might appear this way. I had to find an analogy she could relate to. Her children and gardening. I started, ” if your child was full of unhappiness,sadness, pent up emotions, not living life to the fullest would you leave your child there? If any of your plants were not doing well would you let it die, or work on bringing it back?” Her response, ” I’m not heartless I would guide my child with love ,listen to them, help them thru, do what was necessary. The plant too”. I smiled at her, she looked puzzled.

Let me explain! He sees you not living at your full potential, pent up crap from the past, things that need to go. He will show you how to release it all. Then he will fill those empty spaces with things you actually need. And show you who you really are, the real YOU that you were meant to be before life happened to you. Plus, you’re his so you will learn how to please him. Think of his needs before he speaks of them. Put him first in all things. This is what Dom’s do, when he’s done you will be an amazing woman, the woman you were always meant to be. And since he’s the one doing the work, he reaps all the benefits. I can hardly wait to see you six months from now, a year from now. 

She wondered if this is what makes me love my Master more? Yes, it does. Plenty of men before Him saw my pain, and made more, whether intentional or not. He saw my worth, what I can become. Even the things He puts me in charge over in my life, He still watches those. He still pushes me, even out of my comfort zones. The only thing is I don’t fight near as much. I will occasionally ask if this one area can be untouched, the answer is usually, ”No, I expect it to be done, no more questioning me”. Believe me I know how to grit my teeth and bare it really well. But once I get through it I’m very happy, I grew again. 

My Master knows me like a book. He’s knows when to push, and when to leave something alone and maybe try it again at a later date. For instance, humiliation, my ex robbed me of all my emotions. My Master could hardly say anything to me that I didn’t take it like a personal hit to mean He must hate me as much as my ex. Years later, my Master can look at me and ask, ” who’s Daddy’s lil whore?” I’m smiling like an idiot! And my babygirl side is bouncy and giggling, ” me Daddy!!” I’ve changed so much. He, my Master, knows my past, knows me so well that with only words He could kill me if He wanted. A few times, in the heat of an argument, He has cut me and I’m bleeding out. Only He didn’t leave me like that, lifestyle or not, we are still only human. He has had to fix me up again, and send me on my way. I’m good again. But there’s a difference, what other men meant for harm, my Master had no intention of harming me and leaving. It’s fixable. 

The vanilla world knows nothing of this kind of thing. Vanilla women are not allowed to let vanilla men break them down and build them up again, but better. Most vanilla men wouldn’t know where to begin. This is where I have always felt like our lifestyle is far superior than our vanilla counterpart. We choose to be an open book, they hide their true feelings. 

If you are so unhappy in your own world that you cannot see the beauty in this breaking down do NOT mssg me, I will not be kind. I have seen tv and many about females letting men deconstruct you, or take your identity. The commercial that comes to mind is a woman being  led around by a man, she’s on a collar and leash. He leaves her outside a store, the commercial sees her the same as a common house pet. I see the beauty in the collar and leash. As you wouldn’t want your dog to go to far from you, safety reasons, how would you let your woman go to far from you? But this particular commercial is made by feminists movement, and infringes my rights. They do NOT decide for me, my Master will. He has only my good in mind. For those small minded people, you make me sick 

The road ahead is a long one for bff, reason being, does she have a submissive side that she’s denied for years? If there is her Dom will be bringing it out. She’s never been trained before so everything is a surprise. I’m trying to show her how to respectfully ask for clarification. She did however not listen to me, and he stopped his process once she questioned and then told him what she can’t handle. But then asked him to explain what he’s doing, after he already did. I was shaking my damn head. Yikes! If this had been me and my Master, let’s just say I’d be lucky to be alive. This is where my bff says, ” I will not be in fear of any man”.  Wanna bet?

I calmly say, ” I never said fear, I said reverence”. I did try to explain to stop fighting the process. She let me know that he’s aware of how far he can push her and things that are hard limits and will stay that way. Again, I’m shaking my damn head, and I’m thinking” just shut up”.  

I had to explain why when she starts telling him she’s doing her best, that he gets up and leaves. Always a hard one! I explained it’s several reasons. 1. He knows it’s not your best, but you’ll get there how he wants you to be, he must push to see what that is. 2. How submissive are you. 3. Only one of you will be in charge and he leaves to remind you he chooses to be in your life and feel the pain of his empty presence. 4. You need to stop talking, this is his job. 5. Once you said, Yes , you lost all rights, you’re his.

She did let me know that breaking hurt like a son of a bitch. ” You don’t say?” Was my come back! She’s not sure she can continue. I ask, ” do you love him? Do you trust him? If not, don’t go thru the fire for him. It gets worse before it gets better, but it’s worth it”. We submissives know that ONE DAY when you look in the mirror, you finally see the person looking back. You wonder WTH is going on. Oh my god, he broke me. The only person you have to thank is him. The only person you want is him. You have value because of him. You now know all that pain was worth it! 

I gave her a hug as I left, I wished her the best. I hope she sticks with the breaking down, she needs it. She deserves to let go of all the crap from her past. She hugged me again, and said she was sorry for never paying attention to things I said. Or seeing the slave I am for my Master. She always thought the things I do to show my Master love and respect were mundane. Now she sees for herself! No apology was necessary, but I do get the added joy of when we go somewhere she MUST ask, and wait for the response. Paybacks a bitch! 

I’m still very thankful for my Master seeing potential in me. I don’t always see it. But I like me more now, than ever! All because of Him. Is His work done in me? Nope, it never ends. Thank you Daddy!

He’s always dominant,  I’m always submissive 

Do you ever days when you just don’t like the lifestyle,  be honest. Because we all do. Whether it be life’s stresses, you’re sick, personal issues in your life,  there will always be those days when you really don’t give a shit, you just need some space.

Never take it as rejection though. It really means that both ,you and your dominant, are human. Wow, what a concept. I know I’m just smart like that!

I figured I’d hit on this subject since both myself and my Daddy, at almost the same time went through this. Usually it lasts just a short time, we get back on track. Truth be told we can’t hold back who we really are for long. I was born submissive,  and He dominant,even when the lifestyle doesn’t seem appealing.  

Both of us needed some space, but we did communicate that to each other. At that moment, we both went our own direction to sit, think, reflect, and breathe. Does that mean we rejected each other? Most certainly not. But we are good at reading each other, giving the other some space to fall apart. We will keep texts short, and to the point, let the other know we care,but I need this time to feel how I need to feel. No one making the other feel guilty for being human.

 There’s reason for that.We both want long term, and as I’ve stated before, we both were married to other ppl, so we are trying to do something different with us. What worked, what didn’t work. In a way, it’s great that we have had these marriages even if they sucked. It was still experience . We both have some idea of what we want, need from each other.

We both suck at communication, so we have had to find what will work for us. But one thing I notice we don’t stop communication.  That only happened once, it wasn’t  good for us. So we know what we need to keep this going. We were everything to our exes, with no real outlet, the other person was our whole life. Now I know how much I love my Master, but I need time without Him. You can judge me all you like, but absence does make the heart grow fonder. When He’s out with His friends and they go on a weekend ride (motorcycles). He will text when they stop to gas up. But once Hes back and we are near each other ,OMG! I breathe better, when I fall into His arms I’m home again, that’s the stuff I Need! We missed each other,  we talk , we smile, we flirt, we kiss, we fuck, but most importantly we didn’t fall apart without each other. But we most certainly belong together! 
This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Daddy has stated that same thing to me. That gives me hope I need that we have both found what we are looking for, each other. Even in those days when we aren’t feeling quite like ourselves, we still belong together. 

I call it silent communication. It’s more about reading each other! The other day when He needed space, it didn’t feel like rejection, nor did I feel it was me. He did make sure He let me know it wasn’t me. But in my texts from him, I caught onto something. He cussed. Daddy never cusses, I’m the one who can cuss like a sailor on leave. But when He does cuss,  He is not doing ok. I let Him know I could tell He needed His space, and it’s happily given. I love this man I call Daddy, so much, I know He’s only human. I know once we live together we will be who we are now. We will still need that time to go thru real life shit, and maybe not in front of that person, and that’s ok.

We will both have bad days, we will both need space to fall apart. I know when He needs space He won’t be home til late, or at all. He’s thinking.  Does that mean I need Him to be by my side to tell me every little detail? No. He’s a big boy , I’m a big girl, you work shit out how you see fit. Some days He does come to me for comfort, other days He rides til He is done. I know He will be fine, He always is. We do communicate when we see each other after this time apart. Sometimes we will talk about what we were going through, sometimes not. But we know the other is in a good place, we don’t leave each other hanging.

 I have a friend that doesn’t quite understand,  she asked, ” How are you sure He’s ok if He doesn’t come to you with what He’s going thru?  How is that ok for both of you to go away from each other and not To each other?” I sort of giggled, ” life is messy, you just trust that the other person always has your back til you know otherwise. And where is it written that we must only go to each other when we are going thru something?”

She looked shocked, but she is the type of person to go to the only person in her life as shit hits the fan. Daddy and I are different. We don’t just rely on each other,  is that wrong? It doesn’t feel wrong. It feels good. What if I just needed to work on something on my own? I don’t want Him to feel rejected, but I might need my space for a bit. I’ll always find my way Home! I know where I belong, whom I belong to, Daddy! 

It hit me last night about this subject, simply because when she and her Dom went thru stuff, they only talked to each other. A lil text came across my phone, and I smiled to myself. See, it’s ok to need other ppl too! It’s not rejection, it’s not ‘I don’t love/trust that person’, it’s just getting another perspective. 

– His kitten 

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Beautiful Aspirations – http://wp.me/p5A2PB-1ko

This does sound like my Master even without the collar. As He knows the collar is sacred to me, this writing is very close to how I feel, why it means so much to me. The very reason I can only give this to one man as my dominant and not go from Dom to Dom wearing many collars. Meaning, I have reasons I’ve never worn a collar offered from a dominant,  as of yet. It is a most sacred trust that you are asking for, or giving. It’s to be taken quite seriously, as a proposal. The collar I would receive will be mine because One finds me worthy, not just to own me. But proud of the deeper meaning for us both. We are one. I have never taken this lightly, and I never will. Most subs/slaves I have trained often wonder why I don’t congratulate them on getting a collar in under a year. Because you don’t need me to explain something only my heart and soul can barely put into words. I was trained to honor a collar that I accept. If this dominant  will  be in my life forever and we have enough time together to prove this, there’s no need ask if I wear your collar, you already know the answer, it is a gift like my submission was when we were first together.  If these things are not present between us, please do not ask I would never accept.  

I guess in a way I always knew I wasn’t about to just be collared to say, “Look at me! I’m a collared submissive”. I could care less what the world thinks, or anyone in the lifestyle for that matter. Only my dominant, and only my heart.  

Time will tell, my patience will be rewarded. So will the meaning. The one true dominant who has my heart will be the only one I accept, ever. He knows who He is! Mark my words, this will be the only collar I ever wear.

Beautiful writing even if it’s only a book. Seems whoever wrote this understands what a collar actually means. 

Found the one my soul had been searching for…

This one I’m probably gonna pay dearly for it. My poor ass

I chose each meme carefully, they show you how deep we love, care for each other. You don’t have to understand it, but we do! It’s one of those forever things ♡ 

Daddy loves His bike (My badass biker!), His woman, our kids, His family,  His extended family,friends

Life is good

-babygirl

He’s been debating…

I am worrying about this great debate. Which side my ass will fall on. It’s not like I get a choice, I’m like a prisoner with no rights , waiting for sentencing. Maybe I should have hired representation?  Someone to present my case before Daddy,  give my side of things. Then hopefully Daddy will find some points and reconsider how bad this could go. 

As of right now, still waiting for sentencing. Daddy did say I could try negotiating with Him. I’m not even gonna touch that one. Some things I think He just wants to see if I will dig a hole under myself and fall right in. Yeah, that happens. Right now, I’m being quiet, patient,  and hoping I’ll be allowed to live. 

-babygirl