A moment of silence

I needed a moment of silence, to clear my thoughts, concentrate on whats important here.

What’s important? Well, I am first and foremost His slave. I will find a way to be of use at this time. I will grieve but not let it stop me. That’s not what He would want. He would want us to not stuff our feelings, but also not let it stop our life. Balance.

Emotions are a tricky thing. We tend to not let go of them, let them control us.

How will I do my day in His absence… Like I always do. Kids will have their list of chores to get done. I will be at work. I will find out what my Master needs from me, and get it done quickly as I can. Be His strength right now. He will need me in this very rough time. I know my place. By His side.

I will fight my inner urge to stay in bed and be depressed, as it will not help anyone right now. And at some point He will bring it up and I would have to pay for that. This is not the time to push my own agenda.

Doesn’t all of this affect me to? Of course it does, I’m only human. But perspective is key. As I needed to talk to a friend of mine, she’s a wonderful slave, she gave me that moment, and then put things in perspective for me. She walked me thru some things, showed me the slave that I am. What really matters here. I love her dearly, as most don’t know the life of a slave.

There are no books written,’how a slaves to behave in the face of tragedy’. If you’re a slave have some slave friends, so when you go thru the hardest time of your life,you can draw on their strength to renew your own. I have needed her so much. In the one small moment she helped me! I’m so grateful.

I have some great friends, but they are not slaves, that was obvious. I have been confused with Him not right here to guide me, comfort me, give me strength. Yet, I know deep down He will need me to be fine right now, His plate is so full. We will get thru this to, together. Be stronger than ever.

It will take lots of time to move on from this. It has been horrific. One thing will always remain our love for each other, and our children.
My Master has my heart, He knows that. I’m His forever 💓
I love you Daddy. Now, more than ever!

As I take this moment of silence, I realize it’s really happening, it wasn’t a bad dream, it’s completely real. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. She was just gone. Now to get Him back on track to.
Life finds a way..


RIP our little cookie

She was only 3, cutest lil thing you’ve ever seen. I adored her the moment I saw her. How could I not, she’s just like him.

I’ll always remember her making goofy faces with her dad, and her sister. Just being her very busy self. Putting on tons of lip gloss or chapstick,she looked beautiful! No matter what she was doing she involved you. Whether coloring, trying to read, loved stuffed animals.

My heart aches, I seek for an answer I’ll never find. Why did she have to go so soon. We will all miss you 🍪 cookie. We love you so much! We know you are in heaven playing up there. Eating all the food, playing with balls and swim noodles,and babies.

We have all cried and cried tonight, it just doesn’t feel real yet. We love you cookie, and no matter how much we miss you, your daddy misses you like a bajillion times over. We will never forget you. We will never be the same without you babygirl.

My heart weeps and aches

This is my new feeling throughout my body. I tried to write about it. I wrote it out 4 times only to find each writing to inferior of how deep this is. 

This past weekend was one of a kind. It was wonderful beyond words. But once over this sadness took over. My heart longs for Him. Like a drug. I need Him, His voice, His command, His touch. But I am not getting that, we have separate lives til into the future, we put our lives together. We try to be together as much as pissible. I didn’t know that when He gave me this complete happiness, that once it subsided it would go to the opposite end of the spectrum, which is this unbelievable sadness. How do I go without Him? 

I finally understand all those stupid romantic movies. A love you will never let go of, you will never forget. A love so big, so vast,  you cannot even understand it yourself to be able to explain it. There are just no words. Maybe if I could show Him my heart, how it beats for Him only. How its gently weeping when He’s away.  I don’t know if anyone really ever understands love and the emotions that go with it.

Once our call ended last night, and this morning. I felt the cure , He holds the key to my heart. He let’s the love flow through my body and soul. I have never loved this deep in my life. I don’t even know how to tell anyone. Not even Him. Did He cause this or did i? Or is this what happens when 2 souls are interwoven together. You get emotions and feelings that you’ve never expressed. They were always sitting there ,waiting for that first real love to open the box and let them out. He is everything to me now. I thought I felt it beforw, this is a new level. It’s wonderful,  but wow do you feel the pain in every breath you take. You wonder if your heart will just stop beating if He’s not close by. It didn’t.  

Love has so much to go with it. When I say I love you, right now it means something completely different then it ever did before. I love you means, my heart aches to be with you, to hold you, to look upon you, to feel your heart beat, to see your face, to feel your skin touch mine. To breathe into me a kiss that gives me your soul, I’ll give you mine. 

I love you, I absolutely love you

He smiled at that moment

I was trying to hide the tears, but I can’t anymore. He made me feel so loved♡ I never quite understand my feelings for you, I only know that I love you with everything in me.

I really can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t think the tears will stop, you just take a piece of my heart every time you leave. When we’re together again, I’m whole. I know there will be a day when it gets easier, until then… 

I love you so much Daddy, now you get that these words are true. My heart aches when you’re gone. You have touched me like no other. Thank you♡


Don’t let go…

I had so much fun with Daddy tonight, I just never want it to end. The drive home all I could think of was,

“Wtf is my problem? I was so happy, then it was just gone” tears in my eyes.

In an instant it came to me, everytime I see Him. It’s so great , at first, but then I must face the inevitable,  He will be leaving soon. I hate that part.

I have to kiss Him goodbye, give Him one last embrace, look into His eyes, feel His skin touch mine and nuzzle His neck when He pulls me close, one last time before He let’s go.

Anymore right after He let’s go I can feel inside of me just want to shout, ‘No’ . I really don’t want to let Him go. I dont want to spend more lonely nights in a bed without Him , in my life without Him. Does that make me clingy? Like I fucking care. I love this man, so god damn much I just need Him , He’s such a part of me. How that happened,  I don’t know, I’m just so glad it did! 

I love time with Him. Seeing smile, Him making me laugh, Him flirting with me! Ohhh myyy goddd Don’t ever let go Daddy. I’m addicted to you. I absolutely adore you.  I don’t care about holidays so much, as I just love being in your arms, feeling your heartbeat, wondering if you even know how much I love you. It’s a lot♡ immeasurable. 

I love you Daddy♡ things I just don’t know how to say, but want to. I can’t find the words til I process. I try to process quicker anymore. That you made me important, you have so much going on! That means a lot to me. 
Til the next time with you… my sweet Daddy♡


I’ve waited my whole life for Him

Last night, was another great time with my Daddy.  It’s funny how each time is so different from the next. He’s a great Daddy for this reason alone, I wouldn’t even have to touch on the many other reasons. But I’m going to!

He saw me drowning in stress. My personality needs, craves balance. I didn’t think He saw it. I should have known better. He’s so busy, just like me. But He had been waiting for me to bring the issue to Him. I thought about it, but I didn’t want to sound like I was complaining or not handling my life. I try my hardest,  I don’t back down, I don’t always take no for an answer. I get this shit done. This is what I’m used to. To be able to find a man who just gets it, and is my equal this way,  just thrills me. Ok, I need regular maintenance.  It’s a fact. Fuck, I tried bubble baths, massage from my kid, But that lil shit, she charges me. Going for a long walk. Put on a movie, cancel out the world, but I’m not a big TV watcher. Even talking to my bff Chanse didn’t help, alittle. But I knew what I needed, My Daddy. Once I asked for what I needed I could surrender! Could give up! Daddy is gonna be in my life a long time, He’s gonna know all this stuff about me. Plus Daddys tasks are just always tailored to me, help me, even if I don’t understand them. I just don’t need to question anymore, I am at a point of complete trust!

As Daddy, knew what I needed, in that moment. I just asked for pain. I think I know ,He knows me best. He can see what I need, even before I ask. This makes Him a great Master.  The fact that He left me on my own since I refused to tell Him I was suffering, was brilliant on His part. Why should He help someone, who obviously thinks they were handling it all just fine.  I am not always so smart, as I think I am. I have moments when I’m weak, but I would like to hide those,pretend it’s not so.  I’m still doing fine,what i tell myself. Basically lie to myself! It was working for me, not… Daddy took control, once I admitted I needed Him. He let me fall on my face, but notice He picked me back up, put me back on the path. Let me release all that stress, tears, anxiety.  When He was done, He held me, cared for me, asked how I was doing. My body was spent,  I was so thankful He didn’t require me to go to the gym, but then that’s how smart He is, He could tell I was in no place mentally or physically to handle anything else. Plus later that night, I slept like a baby. This is a miracle in itself, I haven’t slept in years, but with Daddy I can sleep.

How does He do it? The mind just boggles. I could never be a dominant,  the thought and time that goes into everything,  I’m not that patient.  But I will devote myself to being the best slave I can be. To make Him happy, as long as He permits me to be His.







Aline with Daddy, that made me feel safe.



I used to have so much pride that I’ve never cried in front of any man. But now being His slave, my pride has changed. I’ve cried in front of Him several times. He’s never shamed me, thought I was weak, He is everything to me for giving me that gift. What a great Daddy, What a brilliant Master, What a wonderful King I get to serve.  I am so lucky to be His.

I ♡ you Daddy!!!


Getting thru the holidays

This will be tough, just writing this post, the tears are in my eyes, but I’m strong enough to fight them back, at least til I go to bed then let them silently fall from my eyes,  as I miss everyone in my world, no matter how small my personal world is, it’s all mine. I hold everyone I love so close to my heart. It’s just how I am. If I love you, you get all of me.

First off, I lost my fluffy this year in Feb. It just happened so fast, her going down hill. She was 14 yrs old, would have been 15 a few months after her death.


Here is my babygirl with my cat. She was the best cat. When I was sick, she didn’t leave my side. When the kids were gone,after divorce,  she didn’t leave me alone. Now when they go I am completely alone. I miss her. I could tell her all my secrets. She loved me without question. I miss you fluffy.


I lost my son years ago, but the heart wrenching pain is still there. Whoever said time heals all wounds lied. It doesn’t heal all pain, you just manage it. I still long to hold him, kiss him, talk to him, know how he is doing. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. You are always in my thoughts babyboy, I miss you all the time. How many times I have wished for death to make the pain stop.




This loss here was of my own choosing, all the people in my family are quite dysfunctional.  Being a part of their lives, well just wasn’t an option. I do miss them,  especially around holidays. The loneliest time of year.


My cookie face! My favorite little man. How I love you so much! I will miss my sweet boy when he’s not living near me. I can’t see him when I want. This little one means so much to me.

I am not sure how this year will go. Although my Master put me on task the last time I started crying over all of these people in my life. The memories  they have given me, I hope I remember them! LoL. I have just started this Hanukkah /Christmas season and already I want to pack the tree up, dive under the covers of my bed, just get thru the holiday quietly. If I font think about the pain , then it isn’t real, right? Wrong,  it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to miss them, it’s ok to feel lonely. I just need balance. The libra in me needs balance. I did get to share my heart. My Master will probably have ideas of how to help me get thru this time, but I really want to go hibernate and hope everyone goes away. There is still a Master to care for, and more children who need me.