Life is so lonely

First off, thank you to several of you for asking me to keep writing,even through tragedy. I am really struggling with real life right now, and when I try to find the words,I’m at a complete loss. You’re going to hear about my REAL life, as a slave, going thru tragedy. 
As you are aware of, we lost our little girl about 2 months ago. Everyone can agree that if you don’t pull together, you pull apart thru something so awful. We are definitely trying to pull everyone together. We have four other kids, so it was very important to us to keep our family in tact, but then the unthinkable happened… My Master taken into custody since just one detective felt maybe that my Master should be held accountable for this accident. Are you kidding me? With proof it was an accident, they took him away, put him in jail. Anyone who has heard what has happened can’t believe that they did this. It was an accident, I’m not allowed to talk about the details of this case. Omg, it’s a case. My body and mind are numb. I’m a slave with my Master locked up. I am now unprepared on how to handle everything on my own. I have two jobs now to pay our bills, and I had to pick the important ones. I can only see my Master on a video call, we can’t see each other in real life. We haven’t touched, kissed, held hands, been intimate since that day. We weren’t given a moment to figure out how I’m supposed to do all of this on my own. 

How has it all been… Well as His slave, I’m lost. I have no real way to serve Him. So I do all I can. We still try to keep the lifestyle first and foremost, but I had to call Him something besides Daddy or Sir since everything is recorded and we don’t want anyone in our business. So calling babe, sweetheart, my love was approved really fast. 

Once bail was set we contacted our family and very close friends, we were pretty sure someone would help him, get him home so we still had an income and most importantly, our other kids needed him as much as I do. Much to our surprise, no one stepped up. It’s a secure bail. That means they could put up their home, they know he won’t hurt their trust and just run. He needs to get back to work and us save since it could be very real jail time for him. They now know it’s an accident, but feel he should be held responsible. We have come to the point that we must face that he may have some time behind bars. My Master is still his wonderful self, he’s making friends, he gives me info on how to help others inside. As His slave I gladly help. I found a way to serve! Be of use. My Master tells everyone that I’m the perfect ‘girlfriend’! He’s still the perfect Master. 

Our love for each other didn’t change at all. Our love for our kids hasn’t changed. I just now look at the kids when misbehaving, instead of saying “when your dad comes home” it’s now ” there’s a video call tonight, wait til then to talk to your dad”. It was an adjustment. My Master feels like a caged animal that I must be in charge of it all. I’ve never had to do that before. I’m tired more of the time, I’m stressed, a bit depressed. We are down to one car and that one is having a few problems. I am wanting,with my whole heart, to win the lottery get Him out, and go back to being the slave who’s NOT in charge. I’ve yet to just stop and try to process, I refuse to think about it. I lean on my friends and cry very little. I just stuff it. My friends point out that wasn’t this way before. Of course not, I had a Master who knows my every mood, still does. Only this isn’t about me. It’s about our child. It’s about my Master, our head of our home. 

One of the hardest things is, in our lifestyle we don’t prepare the submissive for something of this magnitude. Why not? Because we actually don’t think it will happen to us, that’s a normal response. I am actually trying my hardest to find my bearings. I may be going through this for a bit. His court date is set for March, it doesn’t look like he has a way out to come home and help out our family financially. I’m angry with that thought, there is no one else doing anything,but me. 

Good things that are happening… Believe it or not, there is some! We, our family, have remained close. I have told the kids to tell me when they need me to spend extra time with them. Each of our kids have spent extra time with me, whether it’s just to talk about their dad or ask me to pay for an extra video call to talk to their dad ,alone. There are less tears, that first month was just the hardest. I couldn’t fall apart, the kids looked to me. I wanted to give them confidence that I can do this. Our kids and the few friends who have remained by my side tell me how easy I make this look! The kids know that Mom and Dad are still very much in love and very much on the same page. Our kids have seen us pull together and have an attitude of ‘ this won’t break us’. I can tell our family is healing, we find ways to keep our lost daughter a part of our lives. My Master and I laugh and cry together. He’s a beautiful soul, always has been. I’m faithfully by His side, no matter how tough. And believe me that statement is saying a lot. 

There were no date nights, we will do a special video together and talk about where we would go, what we would be doing if we were out right now. He will tell me how proud He is of me. We both talk about all the reasons we love each other. It’s a different kind of date night! He will sing to me. We also do postcards, letters to each other. Our connection is still very much there. We have the kids and Master talking! All laughing at my phone screen! Tells me we are doing something right! This isn’t easy, it’s your worst nightmare. But we are happy people, and that part has been coming back out. My Master still runs this family. 

How does this slave cope: well the few friends that stuck by my side are females or gay. I get to snuggle with them , I get plenty of hugs, plenty of kisses. I need the closeness. I’m also a babygirl. My gay bff let’s me snuggle up next to him like I did my Master. My girls let me hug and kiss them. All are things I miss so much, but these are important things. My friends may not know just how much their closeness right now helps me. One of my friends knows I don’t eat, don’t sleep. She puts a pillow in her lap and she tells me to put my head on the pillow and one of us starts talking, getting it all out all the while she plays with my hair. I try hard not to fall asleep I want to enjoy my time with her, she knows once I’m out she reads, texts her Daddy, watches TV. She’s been moved up to family. I adore my friends, they will never know how much I love them. I couldn’t get through this without them. 

Recently my Master asked me a very important question! He asked if I’d marry Him when all this is done and over. 

Yes,Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!!!

We don’t do anything traditionally! We even had to pick out a ring in a much different way. We did a video call and the kids helped me pick it. It was a cheaper ring, more of a place holder til He’s home and can pick the ring! It’s more for me I think, so I know I’m completely His. Even though I don’t go to sleep with Him , I don’t wake up with Him. I don’t text Him thru the day. We have calls as He can. I schedule video calls, we do write! We know this isn’t going to be easy, but it’s completely doable. I will need my friends, oops I mean family! I will need our kids! I could use a better job cuz I’m exhausted for a lil bit of money. 

So, this is our life right now. It’s not pretty by any means. I wish I had more answers than questions. I’m hoping that everyone gets thru this easily. I’m hoping I can find a Pro Bono lawyer to take His case. I may need to keep writing, as I can, just in case there are more submissives going thru the same thing. 

Yes, I’m looking at wedding ideas! Yes, I’m happy in some areas which sounds crazy since there is so much heartache. Yes, once He’s home I will gladly relenquish control over our lives right back to Him. Now I have a great reason to lose 20 lbs. I want to be in a beautiful dress! Life will always be great, I’m with my soulmate, my best friend, my Master, my Daddy, my confidant, my guide, He’s absolutely my everything! One thing stands true, even in the face of all this ugliness in our life , the pain, I’m still true to who I have always been. My feelings for our kids and my Master have not changed, are not lies. You will know that part of me didn’t change. 

I miss our daughter, so much. I miss Him so much. I love our family! 

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A moment of silence

I needed a moment of silence, to clear my thoughts, concentrate on whats important here. 

What’s important? Well, I am first and foremost His slave. I will find a way to be of use at this time. I will grieve but not let it stop me. That’s not what He would want. He would want us to not stuff our feelings, but also not let it stop our life. Balance.

Emotions are a tricky thing. We tend to not let go of them, let them control us. 

How will I do my day in His absence… Like I always do. Kids will have their list of chores to get done. I will be at work. I will find out what my Master needs from me, and get it done quickly as I can. Be His strength right now. He will need me in this very rough time. I know my place. By His side. 

I will fight my inner urge to stay in bed and be depressed, as it will not help anyone right now. And at some point He will bring it up and I would have to pay for that. This is not the time to push my own agenda. 

Doesn’t all of this affect me to? Of course it does, I’m only human. But perspective is key. As I needed to talk to a friend of mine, she’s a wonderful slave, she gave me that moment, and then put things in perspective for me. She walked me thru some things, showed me the slave that I am. What really matters here. I love her dearly, as most don’t know the life of a slave. 

There are no books written,’how a slaves to behave in the face of tragedy’.  If you’re a slave have some slave friends, so when you go thru the hardest time of your life,you can draw on their strength to renew your own. I have needed her so much. In the one small moment she helped me! I’m so grateful.

I have some great friends, but they are not slaves, that was obvious. I have been confused with Him not right here to guide me, comfort me, give me strength. Yet, I know deep down He will need me to be fine right now, His plate is so full. We will get thru this to, together. Be stronger than ever. 

It will take lots of time to move on from this. It has been horrific. One thing will always remain our love for each other, and our children. 
My Master has my heart, He knows that. I’m His forever 💓
I love you Daddy. Now, more than ever!

As I take this moment of silence, I realize it’s really happening, it wasn’t a bad dream, it’s completely real. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her. She was just gone. Now to get Him back on track to. 
Life finds a way.. 

RIP our little cookie

She was only 3, cutest lil thing you’ve ever seen. I adored her the moment I saw her. How could I not, she’s just like him. 

I’ll always remember her making goofy faces with her dad, and her sister. Just being her very busy self. Putting on tons of lip gloss or chapstick,she looked beautiful! No matter what she was doing she involved you. Whether coloring, trying to read, loved stuffed animals. 

My heart aches, I seek for an answer I’ll never find. Why did she have to go so soon. We will all miss you 🍪 cookie. We love you so much! We know you are in heaven playing up there. Eating all the food, playing with balls and swim noodles,and babies.

We have all cried and cried tonight, it just doesn’t feel real yet. We love you cookie, and no matter how much we miss you, your daddy misses you like a bajillion times over. We will never forget you. We will never be the same without you babygirl. 

My heart weeps and aches

This is my new feeling throughout my body. I tried to write about it. I wrote it out 4 times only to find each writing to inferior of how deep this is. 

This past weekend was one of a kind. It was wonderful beyond words. But once over this sadness took over. My heart longs for Him. Like a drug. I need Him, His voice, His command, His touch. But I am not getting that, we have separate lives til into the future, we put our lives together. We try to be together as much as pissible. I didn’t know that when He gave me this complete happiness, that once it subsided it would go to the opposite end of the spectrum, which is this unbelievable sadness. How do I go without Him? 

I finally understand all those stupid romantic movies. A love you will never let go of, you will never forget. A love so big, so vast,  you cannot even understand it yourself to be able to explain it. There are just no words. Maybe if I could show Him my heart, how it beats for Him only. How its gently weeping when He’s away.  I don’t know if anyone really ever understands love and the emotions that go with it.

Once our call ended last night, and this morning. I felt the cure , He holds the key to my heart. He let’s the love flow through my body and soul. I have never loved this deep in my life. I don’t even know how to tell anyone. Not even Him. Did He cause this or did i? Or is this what happens when 2 souls are interwoven together. You get emotions and feelings that you’ve never expressed. They were always sitting there ,waiting for that first real love to open the box and let them out. He is everything to me now. I thought I felt it beforw, this is a new level. It’s wonderful,  but wow do you feel the pain in every breath you take. You wonder if your heart will just stop beating if He’s not close by. It didn’t.  

Love has so much to go with it. When I say I love you, right now it means something completely different then it ever did before. I love you means, my heart aches to be with you, to hold you, to look upon you, to feel your heart beat, to see your face, to feel your skin touch mine. To breathe into me a kiss that gives me your soul, I’ll give you mine. 

I love you, I absolutely love you

He smiled at that moment

I was trying to hide the tears, but I can’t anymore. He made me feel so loved♡ I never quite understand my feelings for you, I only know that I love you with everything in me.

I really can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t think the tears will stop, you just take a piece of my heart every time you leave. When we’re together again, I’m whole. I know there will be a day when it gets easier, until then… 

I love you so much Daddy, now you get that these words are true. My heart aches when you’re gone. You have touched me like no other. Thank you♡

-babygirl☆

Don’t let go…

I had so much fun with Daddy tonight, I just never want it to end. The drive home all I could think of was,

“Wtf is my problem? I was so happy, then it was just gone” tears in my eyes.

In an instant it came to me, everytime I see Him. It’s so great , at first, but then I must face the inevitable,  He will be leaving soon. I hate that part.

I have to kiss Him goodbye, give Him one last embrace, look into His eyes, feel His skin touch mine and nuzzle His neck when He pulls me close, one last time before He let’s go.

Anymore right after He let’s go I can feel inside of me just want to shout, ‘No’ . I really don’t want to let Him go. I dont want to spend more lonely nights in a bed without Him , in my life without Him. Does that make me clingy? Like I fucking care. I love this man, so god damn much I just need Him , He’s such a part of me. How that happened,  I don’t know, I’m just so glad it did! 

I love time with Him. Seeing smile, Him making me laugh, Him flirting with me! Ohhh myyy goddd Don’t ever let go Daddy. I’m addicted to you. I absolutely adore you.  I don’t care about holidays so much, as I just love being in your arms, feeling your heartbeat, wondering if you even know how much I love you. It’s a lot♡ immeasurable. 

I love you Daddy♡ things I just don’t know how to say, but want to. I can’t find the words til I process. I try to process quicker anymore. That you made me important, you have so much going on! That means a lot to me. 
Til the next time with you… my sweet Daddy♡

-babygirl

I’ve waited my whole life for Him

Last night, was another great time with my Daddy.  It’s funny how each time is so different from the next. He’s a great Daddy for this reason alone, I wouldn’t even have to touch on the many other reasons. But I’m going to!

He saw me drowning in stress. My personality needs, craves balance. I didn’t think He saw it. I should have known better. He’s so busy, just like me. But He had been waiting for me to bring the issue to Him. I thought about it, but I didn’t want to sound like I was complaining or not handling my life. I try my hardest,  I don’t back down, I don’t always take no for an answer. I get this shit done. This is what I’m used to. To be able to find a man who just gets it, and is my equal this way,  just thrills me. Ok, I need regular maintenance.  It’s a fact. Fuck, I tried bubble baths, massage from my kid, But that lil shit, she charges me. Going for a long walk. Put on a movie, cancel out the world, but I’m not a big TV watcher. Even talking to my bff Chanse didn’t help, alittle. But I knew what I needed, My Daddy. Once I asked for what I needed I could surrender! Could give up! Daddy is gonna be in my life a long time, He’s gonna know all this stuff about me. Plus Daddys tasks are just always tailored to me, help me, even if I don’t understand them. I just don’t need to question anymore, I am at a point of complete trust!

As Daddy, knew what I needed, in that moment. I just asked for pain. I think I know ,He knows me best. He can see what I need, even before I ask. This makes Him a great Master.  The fact that He left me on my own since I refused to tell Him I was suffering, was brilliant on His part. Why should He help someone, who obviously thinks they were handling it all just fine.  I am not always so smart, as I think I am. I have moments when I’m weak, but I would like to hide those,pretend it’s not so.  I’m still doing fine,what i tell myself. Basically lie to myself! It was working for me, not… Daddy took control, once I admitted I needed Him. He let me fall on my face, but notice He picked me back up, put me back on the path. Let me release all that stress, tears, anxiety.  When He was done, He held me, cared for me, asked how I was doing. My body was spent,  I was so thankful He didn’t require me to go to the gym, but then that’s how smart He is, He could tell I was in no place mentally or physically to handle anything else. Plus later that night, I slept like a baby. This is a miracle in itself, I haven’t slept in years, but with Daddy I can sleep.

How does He do it? The mind just boggles. I could never be a dominant,  the thought and time that goes into everything,  I’m not that patient.  But I will devote myself to being the best slave I can be. To make Him happy, as long as He permits me to be His.

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Aline with Daddy, that made me feel safe.

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I used to have so much pride that I’ve never cried in front of any man. But now being His slave, my pride has changed. I’ve cried in front of Him several times. He’s never shamed me, thought I was weak, He is everything to me for giving me that gift. What a great Daddy, What a brilliant Master, What a wonderful King I get to serve.  I am so lucky to be His.

I ♡ you Daddy!!!

-babygirl