I get so many messages from subs/slaves/babygirls about the subject of
‘Love and relationships’. I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m not the authority on this subject. Having come out of my fair share of bad relationships, some abusive physically, some verbally, some emotionally. One was all three. I have had counseling to overcome my past. But then my past taught me who I am. To realize if I didn’t love myself, treat myself well, then how on earth was any man going to? It does start with your relationship with your own father, he should be your shining example of how men treat you, what’s acceptable, what’s not. But if you were already denied that relationship, then it’s much harder for you already.
I can say that most men, who I have allowed in my life, I have walls, have shown me I wasn’t worth being the only girl they fucked. I wasn’t worth being a priority. I wasn’t worth keeping in their life. I would hear that they loved me, while they longed for pussy elsewhere. I never treated one man that way, but a few wanted poly and when they noticed I was busier than they were, it became a one sided poly. I became like an animal all caged up. I only got their time when it was feasible for them. The problem with that, when a good woman has had enough, she’s gone. She doesn’t look back fondly. But one thing has always remained clear, they always begged me to try again. When I asked ‘what has changed’. I heard crickets chirping. I won’t do it again, incase they didn’t realize, they left me a shell of a person. Which then I must put myself back toether. My friends and my kids have this one joke, sort of a joke. ‘Well he will miss you when you’re gone, they always do’. I don’t stay where I’m not wanted. A man’s actions show me if I belong with him, is there a place for me in your life?
My best friend and i, well a man was fucking us both, we had no idea. He lied his ass off to both of us. It wasn’t until we saw each other at a party. It took us about an hour to finally talk, once we realized what was happening… well hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned, and here were 2 women. He even brought up how much he loved, cared about me, wanted me to live with him. I do believe his actions showed me everything I needed to know. In four months of dating here’s what I saw: ( we went out to eat twice, he wanted to fuck but don’t they all, he was apparently playing with more than just my friend, and he never went anywhere out with me (dates), tried to cut everyone out of my life, our first holiday went badly ( this stupid fuck bought me a gift but bottom of my bag was a Receipt for more gifts, all lingerie and perfume. That’s not what was in my bag, I doubt he bought that shit for his children) His assumptions were ridiculous. I never loved him. Those words never came out of my mouth, they couldn’t I didn’t have those feelings. As far as living together, well ask someone who knows me I’ve never even considered that an option, til my current Daddy. But He brought it up first. I thought about it about for like a month. I watched Him, listened to Him. Thought about how He makes me feel. I like this idea, I would actually consider it, as long as I know every level is at 100%. Realized I was the one who said ‘ I love you ‘ first, but only because it was eating me alive that I really wanted to say it, I had to say it. I’m a brave girl with as hard as my life is, I decided one day not to be so afraid of three little words. I knew if He didn’t feel the same, thank Him for the experience and go on my way. Be proud of myself that I finally said those words to someone important to me. Now if He felt them too, it would be up to Him to say them when He felt them, ‘if’ He did. He did say it , in His own time. Which for me, felt real. I liked that rather then Him be like a parrot, ‘awk, I love you too, I love you too’. What my Daddy didn’t know at that time was I had never said these words to anyone and meant them. I had even been married, I didn’t feel them at all for that man, I was doing what my religious parents wanted. I had sex so apparently god would be pissed if I didn’t marry that man. He wasn’t even my first. If we go with you have to marry each time you have sex, then Liz Taylor looks like she had her shit together. It was really my mother , whom I hate, but always sought her approval on my life. This woman couldn’t pick a good loaf of bread to eat, but somehow felt she picked me a great guy. Could be why I don’t respect marriage. I never saw a great example of one. Both of my parents were married three times each. My mother cannot pick a good man. My dad married a wonderful woman, i like her more than i like him. I do seriously think that before you marry anyone , be honest with yourself. Is this person for you? Do you know how to be married? This question is an excellent one, since most parents could not show us what that is, divorce is just to prevelent. I saw my parents do divorce really well. But that was not the example I wanted.
Deep down inside myself, I actually like the idea of marriage. I’m not that cold hearted. My own son was about to get married, I was glad he did not waste something so precious on the wrong girl. That was smart. I wasn’t against him getting married, but make sure this is really the right person. Every area should be 100%. If it’s not, stop fooling yourself. Remember the vows actually say, ’til death do us part’. That’s a fucking long time, so hopefully you chose well and married your best friend, cuz if not you’ll be wishing for that death part.
For me personally, I won’t do it again. Not unless I know it’s the right person. It hurt to much the first time to fuck it up again. I won’t lie to myself, I’m not 20 yrs old thinking ‘I’ll get him to change his ways’. Men don’t change, but women don’t either. Each person is who they are, now you can adapt and make things different/better in your life. But change? I have never seen it happen.
I have talked to women about this subject, many times. I have heard the guy must be wealthy. I have dated many, billionaires, multi millionaires, rich and famous. One thing I know about me is… I couldn’t see it last long. I didn’t have this feeling for them. Something was just missing. I would leave. I had many girlfriends get mad at me. Because they would tell me I could learn to love. Umm, nope. That’s stupid. I was even told just marry them for the money, then leave, but I’d be taken care of. That’s not how I think, it’s not me. The one thing I did hear from those men, was they loved my honesty. They knew I was one hell of a woman that wasn’t staying for money, wealth, stature. I wanted the right person, rich or poor.
I have cut my friends list down quite a bit over the years. Many are aqaintances, I see them, not to often. My bff from years ago, now lives in a three story mansion, But the guy is an asshole. I hope that money keeps her happy, but I doubt it. She shops nearly everyday. She smiles less than that.
I guess the good thing about coming from a wealthy family, I did. Was that I learned the value of a relationship, the value of a dollar, and they are rare to have both. But then I know poor people who aren’t happy either. Money never equals happiness. Money is a tool, it pays your bills, feeds the ppl in your home, maybe some to squander, but it’s not everything.
I am not a love guru, relationship doctor.
As of this morning, why was this so important to write? Well. 7 of my friends are now engaged. All sharing details of wedding stuff, wanting me to attend. I’m not sure how I feel about any of it. But then I have someone close to me, who has been seriously thinking of ending her relationship. I have listened to how/where it seemed to go wrong. They hardly see each other, they hardly have sex, they don’t go on dates, they are poly and with more play partners then with each other. They hardly talk, they hardly text. I get so scared about that. I realize I don’t see my Daddy very often. Sometimes I have felt like I’m not a priority, or He has things more important that need His attention. My Daddy and I don’t go out much, don’t talk on the phone a lot, we text some. But when we are together, we are connected on every level. Sex is never the goal, but even that is always hot. But in my mind , I wonder if it’s enough… I do crave to see Him more, talk more. Even things that are the past need to be settled. It can’t be soon enough for me.
In fact I’m doubting ‘us’ because of the past. This is not a good place for me to be in. I know Daddy and I go slow, I like slow, but there’s this one thing that just makes me think I should let go. It’s the last thing I want, but I can’t stress how it hurts me, day after day.
I felt very good that, if anyone got in the middle of Daddy and I, they needed to go. I let go of 5 of my so called friends. It hurt to do, but felt necessary. Recently being told off by someone I considered a friend. I don’t do stress, I will only hold on for so long. I’m trying my best. I need Him to make this happen, catch me if I fall. I know where I want to be. I won’t force it, or try to make it happen, even ty to manipulate to get the result I want. I will just go, quietly.
No relationship is perfect , vanilla or bdsm. It’s really about a connection, something so strong that you can’t explain it. But you know you feel something for this person that you had never felt before. I have seen it end though. You can’t make anyone love you, like you do them. You can’t make someone make you a priority if they just cant/wont. You can want forever, but there are no guarantees. You might want to marry that person, but you need to see if that’s where they are to.
It is has been very hard on me the last five months, watching some friends move in together, watching others get ready to marry, and others go their own way. I wasn’t sure how to help any of them. But mentally it took its toll on me. Made me think a lot about my own relationship. Why on earth these women felt I hold all the answers , I will never know. But I do know that today they will realize I was always there to listen. To hopefully never give advice as only they know if it will last or not. I will always be a friend, I do care. I just don’t know all the answers.
I hope my girls recover from this shocking revelation! Lol.
Lastly, I don’t know how to tell if any relationship will last forever, I have no crystal ball. It’s either worth your time, or not. If it goes badly, I will help pick up your pieces. If it goes great, I will be cheering you on! But I expect the same from you.
My girls know how I feel about marriage, I don’t hold back on that subject. Any man who goes to that subject, needs four things, or don’t bother. I don’t change my list for any man either. I won’t tell the four things, if the guy knows me, talks to me, it will come out eventually. No hurry!
As for other relationship aspects. I’m just not a guru. I have my own short comings. I’m really not perfect, but If I love you, I will show you. It should be more than words. That person will not doubt my love. I won’t want to leave. But I will be thinking about a long time. Just keep me important, in your toughts, communicate with me, actions speak louder than your words, and do wonder if im happy. If i feel like I’m competing for you, I will let go, done it before. I know what I want. I don’t have time to fuck this up, been there/done that. If any man wants me, as much as I want him, well then you have my attention use it wisely please. I don’t wish be hurt anymore, nor will I try to cause pain. I will never be afraid to say I’m sorry, I’m humble enough to know it’s the way to fix things. I can live vanilla or bdsm, I have both in my life, we all do. I am not one to waste time. If I see you are done, or backing away, like I said I will go quietly. I’m not a baby, I don’t need to be coddled. What I want/expect is simple. Be honest with me, talk to me, I want to be the only one in your life, if I feel like 3somes consider yourself the luckiest son of a bitch, that doesn’t happen often, if ever. But don’t take advantage of it either. Make me a priority. Show me what I mean to you. If all these things are working 100% for me, then I’m happy, I’m right where I want to be, sex is usually fucking fantstic. Any of those things change, my balance is off, yeah I give hints, or subtle warnings, but I’m thinking of going soon. I may even have a date picked out . Which means fix it with me, or I’ll be gone before you know it. I gave chances, plenty of them.
I hope this helps explain me, who I am as a person, as a slave/babygirl.
* I have been stressed, as of late, lots of shit on my platter. I had to trade in the plate, upgraded so I could handle more. There are some ppl who are confusing me. I’m a thinker by nature. I have been thinking a lot lately. Is that good or bad, I’m not sure yet. I’m very unsettled inside. I don’t know who to talk to. I know I want to make up my own mind. Hopefully soon. Right now though, I have it on the back burner while dealing with other people’s issues. Things they can’t do alone. I’m sure once all my issues have been dealt with, I will feel much better. I need balance, to think clearly, peace. Fuck with these things you’ll wish you hadn’t.