Life is so lonely

First off, thank you to several of you for asking me to keep writing,even through tragedy. I am really struggling with real life right now, and when I try to find the words,I’m at a complete loss. You’re going to hear about my REAL life, as a slave, going thru tragedy. 
As you are aware of, we lost our little girl about 2 months ago. Everyone can agree that if you don’t pull together, you pull apart thru something so awful. We are definitely trying to pull everyone together. We have four other kids, so it was very important to us to keep our family in tact, but then the unthinkable happened… My Master taken into custody since just one detective felt maybe that my Master should be held accountable for this accident. Are you kidding me? With proof it was an accident, they took him away, put him in jail. Anyone who has heard what has happened can’t believe that they did this. It was an accident, I’m not allowed to talk about the details of this case. Omg, it’s a case. My body and mind are numb. I’m a slave with my Master locked up. I am now unprepared on how to handle everything on my own. I have two jobs now to pay our bills, and I had to pick the important ones. I can only see my Master on a video call, we can’t see each other in real life. We haven’t touched, kissed, held hands, been intimate since that day. We weren’t given a moment to figure out how I’m supposed to do all of this on my own. 

How has it all been… Well as His slave, I’m lost. I have no real way to serve Him. So I do all I can. We still try to keep the lifestyle first and foremost, but I had to call Him something besides Daddy or Sir since everything is recorded and we don’t want anyone in our business. So calling babe, sweetheart, my love was approved really fast. 

Once bail was set we contacted our family and very close friends, we were pretty sure someone would help him, get him home so we still had an income and most importantly, our other kids needed him as much as I do. Much to our surprise, no one stepped up. It’s a secure bail. That means they could put up their home, they know he won’t hurt their trust and just run. He needs to get back to work and us save since it could be very real jail time for him. They now know it’s an accident, but feel he should be held responsible. We have come to the point that we must face that he may have some time behind bars. My Master is still his wonderful self, he’s making friends, he gives me info on how to help others inside. As His slave I gladly help. I found a way to serve! Be of use. My Master tells everyone that I’m the perfect ‘girlfriend’! He’s still the perfect Master. 

Our love for each other didn’t change at all. Our love for our kids hasn’t changed. I just now look at the kids when misbehaving, instead of saying “when your dad comes home” it’s now ” there’s a video call tonight, wait til then to talk to your dad”. It was an adjustment. My Master feels like a caged animal that I must be in charge of it all. I’ve never had to do that before. I’m tired more of the time, I’m stressed, a bit depressed. We are down to one car and that one is having a few problems. I am wanting,with my whole heart, to win the lottery get Him out, and go back to being the slave who’s NOT in charge. I’ve yet to just stop and try to process, I refuse to think about it. I lean on my friends and cry very little. I just stuff it. My friends point out that wasn’t this way before. Of course not, I had a Master who knows my every mood, still does. Only this isn’t about me. It’s about our child. It’s about my Master, our head of our home. 

One of the hardest things is, in our lifestyle we don’t prepare the submissive for something of this magnitude. Why not? Because we actually don’t think it will happen to us, that’s a normal response. I am actually trying my hardest to find my bearings. I may be going through this for a bit. His court date is set for March, it doesn’t look like he has a way out to come home and help out our family financially. I’m angry with that thought, there is no one else doing anything,but me. 

Good things that are happening… Believe it or not, there is some! We, our family, have remained close. I have told the kids to tell me when they need me to spend extra time with them. Each of our kids have spent extra time with me, whether it’s just to talk about their dad or ask me to pay for an extra video call to talk to their dad ,alone. There are less tears, that first month was just the hardest. I couldn’t fall apart, the kids looked to me. I wanted to give them confidence that I can do this. Our kids and the few friends who have remained by my side tell me how easy I make this look! The kids know that Mom and Dad are still very much in love and very much on the same page. Our kids have seen us pull together and have an attitude of ‘ this won’t break us’. I can tell our family is healing, we find ways to keep our lost daughter a part of our lives. My Master and I laugh and cry together. He’s a beautiful soul, always has been. I’m faithfully by His side, no matter how tough. And believe me that statement is saying a lot. 

There were no date nights, we will do a special video together and talk about where we would go, what we would be doing if we were out right now. He will tell me how proud He is of me. We both talk about all the reasons we love each other. It’s a different kind of date night! He will sing to me. We also do postcards, letters to each other. Our connection is still very much there. We have the kids and Master talking! All laughing at my phone screen! Tells me we are doing something right! This isn’t easy, it’s your worst nightmare. But we are happy people, and that part has been coming back out. My Master still runs this family. 

How does this slave cope: well the few friends that stuck by my side are females or gay. I get to snuggle with them , I get plenty of hugs, plenty of kisses. I need the closeness. I’m also a babygirl. My gay bff let’s me snuggle up next to him like I did my Master. My girls let me hug and kiss them. All are things I miss so much, but these are important things. My friends may not know just how much their closeness right now helps me. One of my friends knows I don’t eat, don’t sleep. She puts a pillow in her lap and she tells me to put my head on the pillow and one of us starts talking, getting it all out all the while she plays with my hair. I try hard not to fall asleep I want to enjoy my time with her, she knows once I’m out she reads, texts her Daddy, watches TV. She’s been moved up to family. I adore my friends, they will never know how much I love them. I couldn’t get through this without them. 

Recently my Master asked me a very important question! He asked if I’d marry Him when all this is done and over. 

Yes,Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!!!

We don’t do anything traditionally! We even had to pick out a ring in a much different way. We did a video call and the kids helped me pick it. It was a cheaper ring, more of a place holder til He’s home and can pick the ring! It’s more for me I think, so I know I’m completely His. Even though I don’t go to sleep with Him , I don’t wake up with Him. I don’t text Him thru the day. We have calls as He can. I schedule video calls, we do write! We know this isn’t going to be easy, but it’s completely doable. I will need my friends, oops I mean family! I will need our kids! I could use a better job cuz I’m exhausted for a lil bit of money. 

So, this is our life right now. It’s not pretty by any means. I wish I had more answers than questions. I’m hoping that everyone gets thru this easily. I’m hoping I can find a Pro Bono lawyer to take His case. I may need to keep writing, as I can, just in case there are more submissives going thru the same thing. 

Yes, I’m looking at wedding ideas! Yes, I’m happy in some areas which sounds crazy since there is so much heartache. Yes, once He’s home I will gladly relenquish control over our lives right back to Him. Now I have a great reason to lose 20 lbs. I want to be in a beautiful dress! Life will always be great, I’m with my soulmate, my best friend, my Master, my Daddy, my confidant, my guide, He’s absolutely my everything! One thing stands true, even in the face of all this ugliness in our life , the pain, I’m still true to who I have always been. My feelings for our kids and my Master have not changed, are not lies. You will know that part of me didn’t change. 

I miss our daughter, so much. I miss Him so much. I love our family! 


Do I want these things?

As Daddy and I were recently talking ,He wondered if I wanted these things:

I’ll admit when I got married the first time I  didn’t get most of these things. No ring, no beautiful wedding, no honeymoon. But I also didn’t get married for love. Things with Daddy are much different, I took my time to make sure He is the person I really wanted in my life. I didn’t rush into anything. I do want a future with Him. Question is, do I really need all those things, or just exist peacefully under the same roof with the man I love and that would be enough?

I gotta say, I never saw myself getting married again. But the idea of marrying someone who loves me, wants me in their life for more than just sex is wonderful! We have tons in common. I want to serve Him. I love our family. We just fit together perfectly. It works so well without the ring,wedding, marriage now…

Ahh , but the romantic in my soul sees all the things I’ve never had and wants them! As long as He does! It would be nice to have something wonderful with Him, as long as He feels the same way!

So there’s your answer Daddy❤️

I just looked at Him

So after a misunderstanding,  we were together both of lost as to how we went off track and derailed. Well no one ever said we were perfect. We got back on track!

The moment He walked through the door He set things in His hands down, walked over to me and we just melted into each other. Any couple can lose it for the moment, but once I saw Him, it was worth letting go of, i held Him, He was holding me. It felt so good to just feel Him next to me, His arms around me. That deep sigh we both took. Nothing is more important than that moment,nothing. 

We talked, we laughed,  He shared. He had some great news for us! That was probably the sweetest thing I had heard ever from a man. It will remain private, He always shows me in small subtle ways that I am right where I belong. 

So, after some very private time together, He was over me, just looking at me. I really looked at Him,  I could feel love coming from Him and I matched His level of desire. I saw the man I want to be with forever just staring at me and smiling. My first thought was, ” I really do want to be His wife”. One day it will be!
I did go Check out Pinterest, fb, Instagram and online for wedding ideas, bouquets, dresses, cakes,  invites, and more… I  inundated Daddy with all this stuff too. I wanted Him to get a glimpse of my thinking. To see that I’m matching His thinking. I want the same things for us, all because of this one look on His face.  There was just so much love in His eyes.  I want Him forever! 
I love you Daddy!

– His kitten

To see her happy

I get to go to Hawaii soon! Daddy and I are going to watch a friend of mine get married. I’m so happy and excited for her. She’s has been the one person I could always count on. No matter what. 

She’s had to do things for me that no friend should have to do, but she did and without complaint. But believe me the lectures were loooonnnnggg enough.

I met her online. Her name is ‘M’. For all purposes and keeping her privacy I will only give a letter. But make no mistake, her friendship means the world to me. The moment we met in person, nearly 5 yrs ago, I think! It’s been a while! It was like we had known each other forever. She’s fun to be around. She is also the only woman I’ve ever submitted to. ONLY WOMAN EVER. There was a good reason for that. Life with my mother and grandmother was horrific. I hated them. When M wanted control over me, I put up the fight of my life. Vowed never to ever be on my knees to serve any female. But after the accident, things changed for me. She had seen how abusive my ex was, and just how wild I behaved, so to keep me safe from myself she took control.

One dark night, I was to drunk to know better. I took a hot bath, but the bubble bath and all the alcohol I could drink (3bottles) not more like others remembered,  was enough to make me black out once I got out of the tub. I was standing one moment, the next I was waking up to someone shaking the shit out of me, asking was I ok?
‘ I would be fine if you quit shaking me’ , but at that moment I was in a very dark place. People around me screaming to others to call 911, I had passed out and hit my head pretty hard. Someone set me on the side of the tub and left me to see if 911 was called cuz I wasn’t doing so hot. I blacked out again, this time fell backwards into the tub. Hit the back of my head so hard. I woke to someone shaking me again.  Only this time I didn’t see anyone familiar.  I didn’t know the answers to the questions being asked. 911 had arrived, I had 2 blows to my head. No memory of anyone or anything.

My kids and M took care of me. She lived way across town, over an hour and a half away. So, it was up to my kids and M (Over the phone mostly, saw me when she could), to help me. No one else cared. Not all these men who acted like they cared, not all the ppl I partied with nearly every weekend. Just them. I was lost, lonely. I had no idea what was going on, who anyone was, but I was still wild.

M saw how I couldn’t be trusted at this time. So she took complete of my life. I think she expected me to fight her again but I was lost and I submitted. I wasn’t allowed to date, or meet anyone. No parties,  no alcohol, no fun. She and my kids took care of me. Reminded me who I was, who I am, tried to jog any memories. It was 6 months before anything ever came back to me. M moved me at this time, into a rental home. Got me motivated to work. I would put my head in her lap and cry. I didn’t know anything, anyone. Very few memories came back to me. I had been in a car accident several months before all of this so M got me to drs, took time off to help me go through 3 procedures. My kids were still helping to, but it was M who made me have hope.

To the present,  I am still great friends with M. I love my friend. She was always there for me, never left me. Got me through so much. I don’t submit to her any longer, not since my Daddy took over. M still checks on me and the kids. She still worries about me. She always wants the best for me. She has seen me through a lot. I have only had a few times to pay her back for all this. I get to be there when she marries the man who loves her! I’m so happy for them both! I know it’s not really in my budget but I will find a way. I need to be there for her like she has been there for me.

I love you M, always will! You are more than a friend to me. You’re family. I can hardly wait for you to finally marry the man of your dreams, lol. It took you guys long enough!

Thank you for all you’ve done for me. I don’t know how to pay you back. But I do love being friends!


The beauty of the ceremony of the Roses in bdsm

This ceremony goes with collaring first. Or the sub/slave has been collared for already.

The formal lifestyle is filled with traditions and ceremonies. Some haven’t been used in quite sometime, but our lifestyle has thought of everything.  If you study the lifestyle you will come across these traditions. The most beautiful, and is centuries old, is the ceremony of the Roses. It is a bonding ritual. This ceremony is all about symbolism. It actually does date back many centuries.i had to look online for the full meaning, as I have forgotten, but I have also never been through this ceremony. I have never seen one, but heard about them. I must say the hopeless romantic in me thinks it sounds breath taking. It can go along side a traditional wedding too, or stand by itself. I still think either way,  it’s a good one to go through, as traditional weddings have lost their meaning. It is all about the 2 of you. So it can be very personalized.

It’s about an eternal bond for the couple, who have decided to remain together for the duration of their lives and beyond. This is not a ’til death do us part’, but eternity. Most opt for this ritual as a statement of their eternal commitment, remember it  can be used in place of a traditional wedding, or together. It can renew the relationship,  or if a couple has gone through a difficult time together and survived the test. There are many variations. Couples can choose how to personalize it, and add special touches and make it uniquely  theirs.

This ceremony is never public. The couple should have 2 people attend, you will understand why soon enough.the submissive has a single white rose, closed, not in bloom, Symbolizes  white is the purity of her submission, her submission has not come into full bloom, never will, she will always grow and learn.Dominant has a single red rose, in full bloom. Symbolizes red is the blood he vows to shed for her protection,  and its openness  to show he lets her into his heart.  Both roses must have thorns on stems, usually white doesnt, but both must  be fresh cut. This will be for the ritual. Couple will also need a 6-8 ft light chain. Along with candles, or alcohol burner, or other liquid fuel.

Couple and 2 others stand and face each other. Candle on a small table, roses are laid down ,red first, the white across it. sub will go to her Doms side for removal of collar. Couple may wear what they want. Dom removes collar, passes it through the flame. Then puts the collar back on the sub. Symbolizes to protect and guide slave for eternity. He can make his eternal vow now.  Then they pick up the roses, sub has white, Dom has red. The dominant will prick slaves finger , 2 drops of blood fall onto petals of white rose.  Symbolizes taking the slave body and soul.  Then dominant will  prick his own finger , 2 drops of blood , one on the white petals , the other one of the  drops onto one of hers  to mingle together. Symbolizes  1st drop to shed his blood to protect slave, 2nd drop seals their unity. They can, at this time, rub the fingers together to mix the blood, they vow to become one in flesh and blood. The Roses are mingled together and they vow to be together for eternity.

The friends with them, will take the chain and pass it through the flame, quickly. Symbolizes it’s series of links thst represent all the couple has gone through. Passing the chain through fire Symbolizes it’s purification.   It is then wrapped around them as they make a vow to each other to be bound for eternity. The Roses are exchanged , as a gift to each other of their unity for eternity.The chain is carefully removed,  placed in a cloth , given to couple after ceremony. Roses are put into a single vase together, and should be placed in the bed chamber, as later that evening they will join their bodies together. 

The next morning they will take turns plucking the petals off the Roses, while talking about their hopes and dreams for the future. The petals are placed in some kind of container. The petals are kept for their lifetime. Each one will have half the petals buried with them.

The chain can either be kept, or passed down to friend or family going through the ceremony. It is a great honor to receive  the chain. It can be passed through generations.